How do you pick yourself up when you feel unappreciated and criticized

[Kathleen in VA]

There is this German-American tendency (I am German-American myself) to find virtue in speaking the truth--even the HARD truth. This can translate into pretty serious meanness--which you correctly point out is sinful. But it is meanness that feels like positive virtue to the speaker, if they are raised that way. In that mode of operation, kindness about things that are not quite right can seem hypocritical, and therefore dishonest/sinful. So. I would not go so far as to question his salvation over this, but rather would present alternatives and the Biblical case for kindness and respect, which is undertaught/underemphasized in those circles. I would add that it is also a tendency to find virtue in admitting fault and asking for forgiveness, so an approach that lands there is somewhat likely to be successful. Habitual sins are hard to let go, because people don't know what to do instead, and they seem so 'natural'. But let them go we must, as Christians.

 

This makes sense, but only if the motive for the "hard truth" is truly for the other person's betterment. I don't understand from Sonshine's post that this is her dh's motivation - it appears to be more of a habit developed during his childhood. Also, I stated that he may be a Christian, just a very immature one. I only mentioned the possibility of his not being a true believer because I found that particular mindset helped me to lower my expectations for my own dh (who turned out to actually be saved all along) and caused me to have more compassion for him. It helped me to cope with the situation. I know that only God can truly know a person's heart.

[Remudamom]

I didn't read all of it, but aside from not doing things for critical people, or making them do it themselves, you need to model encourgement a lot for your girls. They need to learn the opposite of being critical and it looks like you are the only one to teach them.

[Carol in Cal.]

This makes sense, but only if the motive for the "hard truth" is truly for the other person's betterment. I don't understand from Sonshine's post that this is her dh's motivation - it appears to be more of a habit developed during his childhood. Also, I stated that he may be a Christian, just a very immature one. I only mentioned the possibility of his not being a true believer because I found that particular mindset helped me to lower my expectations for my own dh (who turned out to actually be saved all along) and caused me to have more compassion for him. It helped me to cope with the situation. I know that only God can truly know a person's heart.

 

Hi Kathleen, I did not mean to justify this behavior. It's sinful, purely and simply. However, it is so common in that culture, that it feels normal, and that it has the 'feel' of virtue--even though it's not virtuous. So I wanted to make it clear that this is deeply rooted and habitual, not as a justification but as a description of how difficult it is to even see it, let alone change it, if you're raised this way. I agree with you that motivation is key, and I also think that there is a time, a place, and a way to deliver 'constructive criticism' and that public banter as a delivery method is completely inappropriate.

[silliness7]

Sonshine, I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. The first ten years of my marriage were very difficult because neither my husband nor I had learned how to speak kindly to each other. We came from dysfunctional backgrounds and it took a long time to work out a way of communicating that was not damaging to one or the other of us. It hurt a great deal a lot of the time and I spent a lot of time crying out to the Lord to please help us. I so relate to how you are feeling.:grouphug:

 

Fwiw, I think your children are not entirely to blame here. They are following your dh's lead and are probably conflicted about it at times. I realize they are old enough to take responsibility for their own actions, but they really are being taught by him to behave badly. Before I started bringing down the hammer, I would sit down with each of them individually and explain that although it appears that this kind of behavior is acceptable (since dh condones it), it is not biblical and is a sin in God's eyes. Tell them that you understand they may be confused since their dad seems to think it is ok to talk like this, but that, no, it is really a sin and they need to work on stopping. Then, if they continue to speak disrespectfully, I would institute some of the consequences others have mentioned here. You might point out that according to Old Testament law disrespectful children could be stoned to death - just to emphasize how seriously God thinks this kind of behavior is. There is also a verse in the New Testament that lists several kinds of people who will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven and "disobedient to parents" is on the list. If any of them have a conscience toward God, this may be enough to set them straight. However, as others have said, they have formed a habit - a habit that your dh has encouraged - so it will be very hard for them to change.

 

We have a rule in our house about language that I got from a book by Amy Carmichael. I'm not sure if she made it up or got it from another person. In any case, here it is:

 

Before I speak: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

 

I made a poster with this on it and taped it up on the wall in the kitchen near our table so it would be seen a lot. I also posted it on the back of the kids' bathroom door. It may not seem like much, but it is there as a constant reminder of what the standard is, even if they don't always meet it. It pricks their consciences each time they see it. (It pricks mine as well, btw.)

 

I also made a little poster with the verse that says "Let no unwholesome communication proceed from your mouth but only that which is edifying to the hearer." That's my quick paraphrase and I don't know the reference off hand.

 

Judging from what you have said about your dh, I wonder if he is actually a Christian. I can't imagine a true believer thinking this kind of speech is acceptable. But, if he grew up with this kind of criticism during his childhood, then he is probably just oblivious to the damage he is doing. The only appeal that could work with him would be to take him to scripture and point out that his speech dishonors God. If that has no effect, then I would venture to say he is not really saved - he is a Christian in name only. If that is the case, there really isn't anything you can say to him that will effect a change. You must pray earnestly for him. Hudson Taylor said, "If you seek to change a man, do it through prayer." (Just want to add, only God can truly know your dh's heart, but it would be better for you to assume he is not a Christian because then your expectations for his behavior would be significantly lower and you would have more compassion for him. He may be a Christian - just a very immature one - and that would be wonderful. But it would be better for you if you stopped expecting him to behave like one and just prayed for God to open his eyes and save him. Does that make sense?)

 

You have no control over others - you are responsible for your own responses to their bad behavior however. Just keep doing what you know is right before God. You are accountable to Him. Look to Him for your acceptance and love. Even if your dh and children were models of perfection, you should still be deriving your joy from your relationship with God. I know that when I was struggling with this, my prayer life became my lifeline. I grew very close to my Savior. Just keep thinking that your self-worth is not tied to your family but to your God. God loves you, accepts you, forgives your shortcomings, all because of His dear Son. You can rest in that and get your joy and satisfaction from being in Christ - beloved of God.

 

As far as actually interacting with your family, I would do my best to model the behavior I desire of them. When reviled, I would not revile back (just like Jesus). Prov. 31 says "The law of kindness is on her tongue" (again, my quick paraphrase). I would pray and ask God to give me the grace to speak kindly even when I am not treated well. Of course, this is terribly difficult - it can only be done with God's help.

 

This is a very difficult situation and I'm sorry you are dealing with it. But, it is also an opportunity to preach Christ by your behavior - to be a living episitle of Christ's love. Jesus was rejected, treated badly, reviled, etc. and he did not respond in kind. He prayed for his tormentors. This trial has the potential of growing you spritually in ways no other could.

 

When I was struggling during those ten years, I prayed constantly, sang hymns that I found particularly comforting (Be Still, My Soul; Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus; What a Friend we Have in Jesus, for example) and devoured scripture. I grew a lot in those years.

 

I know it does not seem fair - it really isn't. But since you cannot control others, you must do your best to control yourself. Do not let this defeat you. Turn it into an opportunity to grow close to your Savior and to learn how to do right and good in the face of severe heartache.

 

I just reread what I typed, and I fear that I sound unfeeling and trite. Please know that my heart breaks for you - you are going through a very rough trial. Please also know that I can truly relate and I know it hurts excrutiatingly to be treated like this. I hope my words are a help and not an irritation.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Kathleen,

That was a beautiful post full of great wisdom. Thank you for taking the time to write it. It was encouraging. I'm off to make some posters to hang on my walls. :001_smile:

[lmkzbcb]

Carol in Calif - wow - someone else knows what I am talking about and can explain it to me about the German personality trait. I am thinking maybe if I apply the carrot and the stick - consequences for unkindness and rewards for kindness, with much talk about what the Bible says, quoting specific verses about loving one another. Emphasizing all of loving one another with our words, not just them loving me. Maybe it's easier to replace an old habit with a new habit. Also, I can reward positive verbal behavior with taking the kids to get a treat, etc.

 

I think you have a pretty good handle on the situation. Now comes the implementing. You can do it!! :thumbup:

 

:iagree:with silliness7.

[Garga]

Growing up, my family got into a bad habit of being critical of my mom. She was such an easy target because things would seem to happen to her or she would do things that just begged for a joke or a snide comment. I say it was a habit because we didn't do that to other people, just her.

 

She put up with it for years, then one day she just said enough was enough. After that, when we would say something critical or make jokes about her, she would say that it was hurtful, and sometimes she would walk out of the room. My mom was very calm and didn't get angry, didn't lecture, but her taking her presence from us was somehow enough for us to realize we were hurting her. After she did that for a while, we really began to filter our comments and respect her more. The good thing was that my dad really changed and became more protective of her.

 

We are still able to laugh at the dumb things we do, but we are more careful about taking it too far.

 

The above sums up the way I think you should handle it. I'm not sure that you need to have "consequences" yet. Maybe if they don't stop. I think you should calmly explain what you've said to us, and then the next time they do the comments, just say, "That's the sort of comment I was talking about that I find hurtful. Please don't say things like that anymore." I would point it out each and every time until they catch on to exactly what is hurtful to you.

 

If they are still saying the same amount of hurtful things after a couple of weeks, then I would implement "consequences." Until then, give them a grace period to learn a new way of treating you.

 

Oddly enough, I experienced a taste of your problem just today. I was reading a book to my sons (8 and 5 yo.) In one part of the book it mentioned a song that was sung, so I stopped and hummed a little tune (about 1 bar of a made up tune.) For some reason that I do NOT understand, whenever I hum a tune the kids think it's ok to hit me or shriek to drown out my singing. So, when I hummed my little tune, my ds 8 hit me in the FACE with a glove and it got in my EYE. I was BEYOND furious. I mean, I had to stop and stand very still because I was so enraged. My first reaction was to say, "OUCH! WHY DID YOU DO THAT!?!?" DS8 said, "I thought it would be funny, like in a cartoon." I told him to "Leave the room."

 

I had to stay there alone for about 10 minutes until I felt that I could speak to him without completely losing it. I called him back in and told him, "I don't know why you guys think it's ok to make fun of me or HIT me when I hum or sing, but it will STOP. Now." I do NOT know why they think it's acceptable to make fun of someone innocently singing a little song to themselves or humming, but I find it malicious that they think it's ok. I don't know where it stems from, but I can't even describe why it bothers me so much, but I find it disturbing. It's like they want to crush a little bit of joy that singing or humming brings a person and I'm disgusted with it.

 

I'm going to test them on it. I plan on singing and humming over the next few days until they respond properly to my singing or humming.

 

And if ds EVER hits me again "like in a cartoon" he will not be watching cartoons for a veeeery long time.

[JudoMom]

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to give you a hug, and to let you know that I will be praying for you and this situation. :grouphug:

[Mama2Boys]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I feel this way sometimes jut due to the lack of appreciation for all that I do. My Husband just tells me that the children won't truly appreciate you until they are grown and in their 30's. I think that is a long time to wait and hopefully disagree. Anyways, I just wanted to send a :grouphug: and let you know you are not alone. I am certain that for all you have invested you deserve some recognition....not disrespect. Hang in there and continue to be the positive example, because we can't control others.....only ourselves.

[SnowWhite]

I recently was reading online about changing a family culture of sibling rivalry(which contains many of the same selfish, harsh actions as a critical spirit) by fostering a culture of kindness and generosity. Rather than praising children for quickness, intelligence or hard work (so much), pick out the character traits of the fruit of the spirit to receive the highest praise. When one of the teens goes above and beyond the call of duty in generosity and kindness, reward this by letting them treat the family to a pizza night or ice cream trip- further encouraging the generous spirit. Within the context of homeschooling, this can tie into our literature studies as well, as we pick out the admirable traits of generosity, love and kindness to admire in characters we're studying.

 

I would take this one step further by using restitution as a consequence. You are the matriarch and as such are deserving of respect, love, even to be cherished. If any of the teens hurts your feelings, I would take the offender aside and explain just how much that hurt. Then I would make it the offender's responsibility to "make it right." She must create an opportunity to cherish and respect you, either by doing some job for you, creating some treat for you, writing a letter of respect and admiration, creating an item of art or clothing you would enjoy, or a gift... You get my drift. She needs to do something to make you happy in proportion to the damage she has done to your spirit. In this way, she learns the value of building up others and cherishing them. It also works on developing her traits of generosity and support for loved ones. Explain that they will have the responsibility of making others happy in their future and they need to practice now.

[Gooblink]

Growing up, my family got into a bad habit of being critical of my mom. She was such an easy target because things would seem to happen to her or she would do things that just begged for a joke or a snide comment. I say it was a habit because we didn't do that to other people, just her.

 

She put up with it for years, then one day she just said enough was enough. After that, when we would say something critical or make jokes about her, she would say that it was hurtful, and sometimes she would walk out of the room. My mom was very calm and didn't get angry, didn't lecture, but her taking her presence from us was somehow enough for us to realize we were hurting her. After she did that for a while, we really began to filter our comments and respect her more. The good thing was that my dad really changed and became more protective of her.

 

We are still able to laugh at the dumb things we do, but we are more careful about taking it too far.

 

This is a really touching and inspiring example.

 

Like!

 

:grouphug: Sonshine, I pray your family is enlightened to how their behavior affects you and makes effort to build you up.

[LizzyBee]

Something that has worked really well for us is a dollar jar. Every time someone is rude, they have to put a dollar in the jar, and it gets donated to charity.

[secular_mom]

I have explained to my husband that negative input outweighs positive input by 10, and I do NOT receive positive input on a regular basis but I DO receive negative input on a regular basis. Negative input= angry, depressed me who doesn't want to do anything for anyone but myself. Things improve for a while, then go back to 'normal' and I have to reiterate the previous conversation. HTH

[Sonshine]

I talked with my oldest daughter today. She very much seemed to understand and received it well. She's the leader of the girls so it's good she seems to be on board. I know she will still have to be worked with when she's not in the good mood she was in today, but I think it was a good start. I still need to talk with my other two, but they actually are much less critical of me than the oldest, so I think it will be an easier habit for them to break. I am much encouraged.

 

I like secular mom's way of explaining things to my husband - it puts things in a mathematical, less emotional way, which usually works better with my type of husband.

 

I so appreciate everyone's prayers and insights. They help so much.

 

Garga - As an aside, I am easily irritated by whistling and humming - it's a sensory thing. Actually, I feel like I am going to go crazy when someone whistles especially. As an adult, I don't react in the way your children do, but feel like having a strong, this has got to stop now reaction. I don't know if you know much about sensory issues, but that may be what is going on with your kids.

[Garga]

Garga - As an aside, I am easily irritated by whistling and humming - it's a sensory thing. Actually, I feel like I am going to go crazy when someone whistles especially. As an adult, I don't react in the way your children do, but feel like having a strong, this has got to stop now reaction. I don't know if you know much about sensory issues, but that may be what is going on with your kids.

 

Nah, it's not that. I do understand being easily irritated by humming and singing (as I need a lot of silence myself throughout the day, and have been known to often tell monotone hummers to please stop humming.) It's more of an excuse to pick on mom and be mean about it. I rarely sing or hum. Very, very rarely. But the odd time that I will, they get aggressive. (Like when the story said, "And as the song of farewell faded over the hills..." and I hummed about one bar of make believe music, "humm, humm, humm," as part of the story and my son hit me in the eye, thinking that that would be funny.)

 

But thanks for the response anyway and the other point of view.