maddykate Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Long story short...(well, still kinda long) Our two oldest dd's (ages 12 & 10) share a bed. Every night, they stay up late talking and giggling together. Every night, I repeatedly have to go in their room to tell them to quiet down so they don't wake up our younger dc. Tonight, they got completely carried away and were way out of control - laughing really loudly, wrestling, etc.....I told them three times to quiet down. Then, after them continuing to ignore me, I went to their room and gave them two pops on the bottom. They immediately got quiet and I have not heard another peep, but now I am feeling so guilty... There was really no need to pop them, but it is done now. All I can think of is that I have scarred them for life. I couldn't tell you the last time any of my children have gotten a spanking, so it really shocked even me that I resorted to that kind of punishment. I just had enough of being ignored and I couldn't think of a better way to get immediate results. Though they are entirely too old for spankings, it did get the results I wanted....but at what cost? I am just having a really hard time right now....it is past midnight here and all I want to do is go crawl in bed with my girls and apologize. Thanks for listening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EarthyMama Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I think your guilt is too much for the circumstances. It sounds to me like it was what was needed. I'm not a spanker, either, but sometimes a pop is needed. I think a discussion is in order with them but I don't think you should be overwhelmed with guilt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SBMama Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 :grouphug: I have much less parenting experience than most on this board, but for what it is worth I think it is okay to apologize to them. We all do things that we regret doing, and it is okay to tell our children that we messed up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I think it is okay to apologize to them. We all do things that we regret doing, and it is okay to tell our children that we messed up. This. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 {{maddykate}} Let it go, hon. While I am not a spanker and don't necessarily think spanking was the best solution to this problem, I don't think you scarred them for life. You got their attention and took care of the situation. I think a discussion about a long-term solution to the problem is in order today. They are showing that they have difficulty behaving appropriately with the current situation, so the situation needs to change. They are old enough to be involved in coming up with a solution. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbeyej Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 (edited) Okay, so it was a mistake. Not a big one, and you haven't scarred them for life. On the other hand, I think you need to have a discussion with them and let them know that the very next time that they do not quiet down the first time you ask, that they will find themselves sleeping apart in rather less comfortable circumstances. (Probably the floor, as separated as you can make them given your living situation, or perhaps on separate couches, whatever will work in your house.) And follow through. But no, a single swat when they know perfectly well what they did wrong will not scar them or make them hate you for life. Nor will they be hurt by sleeping on the floor a few times if they can't control themselves and obey when asked to be quiet and go to sleep. ETA: I think it's reasonable to apologize to them as part of the discussion. "I'm sorry that I swatted you both. I don't think that was the right decision, but I was tired and frustrated and couldn't see the best choice in the midst of that. That's why..." And then let them know how they will be separated if they cannot calm down and be quiet the first time you ask... While I understand Sophia's suggestion that whispering and giggling together is part of the pleasure of sharing a room or bed, they still have to take into account the needs of the rest of the family (younger siblings sleeping), etc. Edited January 13, 2011 by abbeyej Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sophia Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Well you got their attention, didn't you? ;) At those ages, I don't spank anymore, and I warn them when they are heading down that path, but I really don't think you've scarred your girls. I will say that my 8 and 12 y.o.'s also share a bed and whispering and giggling is part of the reason why I want them sharing a bed. That is a time they talk over the day and bond. In fact, last night, both girls showed up at my eldest dd's door and asked if they could have a sleepover :lol: The three girls piled up in a fullsize bed and dh and I could hear them giggling well past the time they were supposed to be sleeping, but we let it go because we want them to have a close friendly relationship. As long as they understand they still have to get up in the morning for school we let it go. (Actually a few days of this gets them tired enough so they will sometimes go straight to sleep.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 You did what you needed to do to get their attention. Chances are you'll never have to do it again. Now they know you mean business when you ask/tell them to be quiet. A family discussion might be the next step. The kids should apologize for not listening to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 :grouphug: No scarring for life at all. Apologize and have a long talk/problem solving session in which all of you are involved in discussing what led to your frustration (the ignoring of your legitimate requests) and ask them to come up with solutions. Kids are so creative - I feel sure that all of you can solve this dilemma. Sometimes a "crisis point" (and this was such a tiny blip on the radar to call it that, really) helps everyone to refocus and change in ways that days and weeks of just going along with low level frustration do not. That has been my experience anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 {{maddykate}} Let it go, hon. While I am not a spanker and don't necessarily think spanking was the best solution to this problem, I don't think you scarred them for life. You got their attention and took care of the situation. I think a discussion about a long-term solution to the problem is in order today. They are showing that they have difficulty behaving appropriately with the current situation, so the situation needs to change. They are old enough to be involved in coming up with a solution. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2cents Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I don't think you have anything to worry about. My girls are close in age and shared a bedroom. We used to have headaches every night with the talking, arguing, giggling etc. until I hit on a novel solution. I would warn them and tell them that if they had so much energy that they could do some homework for tomorrow since they would be so tired in the morning. They didn't take it seriously and had to get up and do homework only about one night. After that it was nice and quiet. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddykate Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 Thank you all for your replies. I feel so much better after reading them. It is 1am and I think I have settled down enough to go to sleep now. I will definitely be talking to the girls in the morning and apologizing to them. But, I do plan on making sure they understand what led to my frustration. They are both really good girls - I am pretty sure we will not ever have this issue again. I love this group! Thank you all for your kind words and suggestions. Maddy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emmy Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I'm glad you feel better - I'm sure the girls will be fine. I would apologize but let them know that they should not be disobeying repeatedly either. As an aside, I will tell you what we did to solve the problem. We put a baby monitor in with our boys. Yep. And it works like a charm. We don't use it on the weekends as much or if it's "ok" to sit in bed and talk - that is bonding time for brothers and we understand that. But when it is TIME TO GO TO SLEEP and they don't comply, we turn the baby monitor on and it works like a charm. I hated that we had to go to those lengths but the problem we had was that we wouldn't hear them talking initially so we ended up being very inconsistent in our discipline - the kids didn't understand why one night when we said - ok no more talking - we didn't come in but another night they got punished. Anyway, it has been a good solution for us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1bassoon Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 :grouphug: I have much less parenting experience than most on this board, but for what it is worth I think it is okay to apologize to them. We all do things that we regret doing, and it is okay to tell our children that we messed up. And, in fact, I had an interesting discussion once with the son of Steve Demme (of MUS). I asked him what it was that made him respect his dad's faith in Christ and make it his own. Without hesitating, he said it was that when his dad was wrong, he apologized and asked forgiveness, with humility. Those words have stuck with me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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