When people attribute bad, untrue things to you....

[Pamela H in Texas]

As many of you know, I'm battling depression due to our situation right now. We're actually not as desperate as it may seem, but.... So the last couple days, I've felt a little better....

 

Anyway, last night, I got a message that was sent 3 weeks ago (I keep thinking that if I remember it was sent 3 weeks ago, that it shouldn't stab me as badly now). It called me horrible names and said some untrue things about me, what I've done, and my motives behind those things I didn't really do.

 

Honestly, there are no doubt some people who don't always like me. I'm opinionated. I do things a little differently (homeschooling, parenting, etc). But generally, I'm a likeable person! And even if someone didn't LIKE me, they know I'm a good person trying to be a good person. Most people know my heart is in the right place. No one has EVER thought I was horrible or would do something to purposely hurt another person. And I wouldn't!

 

Hubby's take on this message is that anyone who knows me whether a little or a lot knows who I am and that I don't even come close to what this person suggested. Hubby thinks that this person doesn't even KNOW me so why should I worry about what they think. Though that makes sense, I have two thoughts:

 

1) I don't want ANYONE ever thinking THAT poorly of me for ANY reason.

and

2) *I* have never felt THAT badly towards another person. I ALWAYS give people the benefit of the doubt even if I think they are being hateful, rude, mean, selfish, etc. I assume they aren't EVIL. So to have someone think worse of me than I have ever thought of someone else? That is hard.

 

I keep trying to tell myself things to feel better, but I just can't. I got this message just before bed last night so we stayed up a little later. And then I woke up with a headache. And I just can't quit thinking about it all. I want to scream the truth. But the people involved wouldn't dream of listening at this point. Well, I know that people who know me generally know I'm a good person. And I know God knows the truth about the situation this person is talking about. And I know I have raised my kids better than to ever be so illogical, judgmental, or mean.

 

But in the end, there are at least two people in this world who think REALLY bad things about me, though those things couldn't even be true if they'd just think about it. I really hate that this is the case.

 

Part of this post is venting, but I would LOVE if someone could give me a pointer or two so I don't dwell on this most of the day.

[atara]

I have been in a situation like this. I still get a little ting of aggravation when I think about it, but it is OH so much better.

 

The first thing I would do is DELETE that e-mail.

Disclaimer: Religious suggestions following

The second thing I would (and did) was start getting solid word into my system. I would listen to Beth Moore's lessons on confidence, any kind of teaching tapes ("how our words defile us" at www.christianfamilyheritage.com) and uplifting music.

 

In my situation, I had to be the professional and I made the CHOICE to love even though I DID NOT WANT TO.

 

Believe it or not, you can really grow from this if you let the Holy Spirit guide you. That does NOT make it easy, but when things are done, you will be better for it and that person will have to live with the things they said to you. In the end, it all comes out....the truth and the liar.

 

Food for Thought: Oh - one more thing...I had a situation just recently where a person I thought was a cool friend started talking very badly about another mutual friend we know. I was so shocked that she would tell me her PERSONAL business and gossip about her. In the end, it changed my view NOT of the person of whom she was speaking, but of her. When we would all be together, I would notice how friendly she was to her and it made me sick at my stomach. I lost a lot of respect and trust in this person. This is not the kind of friend I want to have.

Edited September 24, 2010 by atara

[FO4UR]

:grouphug:

 

I'm a PW....I relate all too well.

 

Some people need to make others feel bad to make themselves feel good.

 

Some people need to demolish another person's reputation in order to gain a reputation of their own.

 

Some people are just looking for validation of their own life choices, and your choice to do things differently (in your OWN life) is taken as an attack on theirs...and so they lash out.

 

In short, this person doesn't even really know you so they are aiming all this venom at some perception of you that isn't really you. You did nothing to build this perception, I'm quite sure. She would have built you up in this light no matter what b/c your choice to (homeschool, parent, etc...) threatens her and she MUST attack.

:grouphug:

[Parrothead]

All I can tell you is to offer it up. I've been there. It isn't pretty and this too shall pass.

[MIch elle]

... including the evil in this world. Forgive them, try your best, and then give it to God (Jehovah).

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[elegantlion]

:grouphug: I'm sorry. :grouphug:

[praisefor3]

People of integrity expect to be believed. When they are not, they let time prove them right.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:Pamela:grouphug:

 

 

 

Aww, you poor thing. Remember there has always been evil in the world and plenty of mean people. I'm sorry you are so hurt by them.

[Mom2absh]

:grouphug::grouphug:, Pamela!

 

Some people really are that narrow-minded - whatever THEY think is true, MUST be. It is hard, but the problem is with THEM, not you.

 

So you need to love on yourself here. Go ahead and tell yourself what you know to be true, and acknowledge your hurt to yourself - the part of you that hurts needs to know it's OK that she's hurting. Take some extra time to be kind to yourself, and give yourself some kind of quiet time - sitting in a pleasant spot, listening to relaxing music, doing a handicraft you enjoy - something that will bring you some peace.

 

In popular parlance, "Don't let this person rent space in your head" - don't let her/them have any more power over you by letting this fester. You CAN move beyond this, and soon, too.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

J

[*********]

Pamela, I have no idea what the circumstance or situation is that caused this person to feel so poorly about you. But, I can say that I've had it happen to me before, more than once. And of course it hurts.

 

Here's the scripture I dwell on when I find myself in that situation:

 

“Blessed are you when they revile and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake. Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you." - Mat. 5:1-12, KJV

 

I always start out praying something like 'But Lord, I don't feel exceedingly glad; I don't want to rejoice. I mean, do you KNOW what they said to me? Do you KNOW what they think of me?'

 

But then the answer always comes. Of course he knows, he's my Father. And his word says that great is my reward in heaven when these things happen. It says that we should EXPECT, as Christians, to face presecution, and that it should make us rejoice.

 

Please don't think I'm judging you for struggling with what's happened to you. And please don't think I'm saying I don't struggle, too. Just wanted to give you some encouragement, something to lean on.

 

:grouphug:

[Momma2Many66]

I keep this posted on my refrigerator, it always, always, makes me feel better when I am attacked for my personal beliefs or the way in which we live as a family such as homeschooling etc...... perhaps it can be a blessing to you also.

 

 

"If I were to try to read, much less answer, all the attacks made on me, this shop might as well be closed for any other business. I do the very best I know how - the very best I can; and I mean to keep doing so until the end. If the end brings me out all right, what's said against me won't amount to anything. If the end brings me out wrong, ten angels swearing I was right would make no difference." The Inner Life of Abraham Lincoln: Six Months at the White House by Francis B. Carpenter (Lincoln, Nebraska, University of Nebraska Press, 1995), pp. 258-259.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Thanks y'all. I felt better just posting it.

 

Sometimes things are just so far from the truth it's laughable; but when people are hurting (and no doubt these two people are due to the circumstances), it's not. How *I* became the bad guy in the situation is beyond me. It's not even POSSIBLE (not just because I wouldn't; but seriously, logistically it's just not even possible) that I've done what I'm being accused of. It probably would hurt too much to look at those who caused this. But what HURTS is the motives they are claiming I had to do it, I guess. It goes against every fiber of my being.

 

But instead of dwelling on it today, I'm going to look at some houses, go to the library, maybe get a paper done (I have one that I just need to do a quick revision)...I'll feel productive.

 

ETA: this has nothing to do with a personal life choice and has nothing to do with me at all. It's a LONG convoluted story of lies and even crimes by one person effecting the lives of others for a very long time. I hope it works out in the end and the two main people hurt by this situation (one of which was the one who sent the message) can forgive this person when it's all said and done.

Edited September 24, 2010 by 2J5M9K

[Guest CarolineUK]

:grouphug: to you Pamela, I'm very sorry you're feeling so bad. I'm in a VERY similar place at the moment and have been struggling with it terribly. I've been wanting to ask for advice here, but the more I've slid towards depression the more difficult I've found it to put into words. Your thread and all the wonderful advice and support you've received has also helped me enormously. I will be praying for your situation and sending loving, positive thoughts your way.

 

Please take care of yourself, enjoy the beauty that always exists in life no matter how bad our circumstances, and try your best to ignore those who want to pull you down.

[Harriet Vane]

This happened to me. Someone very, very dear to me went through something very, very difficult. In the aftermath of this she lashed out at me. Repeatedly. Personally. Over the course of more than a year. Her repeated accusations were entirely false, and increasingly paranoid. I tried repeatedly to answer her concerns and work through this with her. Each. and. every. time. she told me my words were not sincere enough, not contrite enough, or else she met my words with more accusations and insults (literally).

 

I tried to work it through with her for more than a year. Finally dh asked me to please stop, and he was right. I stopped engaging with her.

 

About a year after that she had the nerve to tell a mutual friend that I had refused to work through a sin issue with her!!! I had not told ANYONE except dh and a friend in an entirely different state who does not know her what had happened. I could not believe that she was lying to others about me.

 

It hurts, and it's awful. I'm sorry you are experiencing this.

 

I prayed for you this morning (and for the other posters in this thread who have been similarly hurt). :grouphug:

[specialmama]

Pamela :grouphug: some people are just sick, hon. Genuinely, not funny, mentally sick. They are dealing with whatever and it comes out however. I'm not condoning their behaviour at all, but sometimes it helps to tell yourself that they are sick and it is the sickness talking, not truth talking. You have received some wonderful counsel above, thank God there are some very wise people on this forum. I can only reiterate one thought: you cannot control other people, but you CAN control your reaction. I know it sucks to be thought of guilty when innocent, nobody likes that at all... but be the bigger person here and keep walking upright. One day, all things will be brought out into the light. :grouphug:

[Starr]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Heatherwith4]

:grouphug:

[justasque]

I do not know anything about your situation. That said, when someone else is acting irrationally, or over reacts to something, I try to realize that it may not have anything to do with me. That person may be struggling with something completely different that I know nothing about; I'm just the one who got the fallout. It could be a mental illness situation, it could be family stresses they're not sharing, it could be they're wrestling with something like addiction, it could be illness or physical pain, it could be the loss (physical or mental/emotional) of a loved one, it could be a series of bad things that have happened to them and your issue was the final straw. Whatever it is, you can only control YOU, not them. Your friends know who you are, and why you've made the choices you've made. If you stay on the good path, and rise above, and be generous to others in your thoughts as well as actions, it will come out all right in the end.

[Denisemomof4]

People of integrity expect to be believed. When they are not, they let time prove them right.

 

that time may take years, and sometimes the truth is never revealed.

 

:grouphug:

 

I'm a PW....I relate all too well.

 

 

dh was in leadership, and I can relate.

 

We didn't want a very young pastor and his wife to be deeply hurt, so we took blame for things that never had a thing to do with us. We carry that bad reputation even now, years later. The PW realized later what we had done, but the church still views us badly. It kills me, and it has hurt me in another church where we brought this "bad" reputation with us. I'm glad we helped the pastor and his wife, but it came at a tremendous cost to us.

Edited September 24, 2010 by Denisemomof4

[Teachin'Mine]

:grouphug: Praying for you, this situation, and all involved.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Caroline,

 

I'm so sorry for your hurting. I am glad that my venting and the answers I got were able to help. I wish you peace.

 

Thanks so much y'all. I really do feel better.

 

ETA: it only took me all morning to figure out what PW stood for :)

Edited September 24, 2010 by 2J5M9K

[A.J. at J.A.]

People of integrity expect to be believed. When they are not, they let time prove them right.

 

Thank you for this. I've gone through something similar to the OP this past year, and your post really spoke to me.

 

Blessings,

Angela