If you grew up in a family where yelling was the norm...

[TKDmom]

How do you overcome it?

 

I am hearing my mother's voice coming out of my mouth more and more lately. I'm coming to understand her better.... But I really don't want to pass this on to my own children.

[Mergath]

Both of my parents were yellers. Constant angry screaming at us for every single thing. Part of what helps me is that I tried to learn from my parents mistakes. I spent a lot of time thinking about how what they did when I was little hurt me psychologically before I had my daughter. The other half is just constantly watching what I say. If I'm the least bit angry, I don't open my mouth until I've considered what I'm going to say. I'm not perfect, obviously, but I have succeeded in greatly reducing the yelling in my house.

[robsiew]

I grew up in a yelling household too. Unfortunately, it took having children and them getting old enough to yell at each other before I realized I was doing the same thing. (One of the best teachers for me has been watching my children act like me!! :001_huh:)

 

I have had to be VERY intentional in learning how to stop my yelling. I've worked very hard at trying not to react right away in a situation (unless safety is involved). I've also had to leave the room or send kids to their room while I calm down and figure out how to handle it. Really the bottom line has been me wanting to stop yelling and catching myself when I start. I find I yell less now. Usually the times I yell now are when I've been driven to the brink... I don't have any good coping skills for that yet. ;)

 

Also, in thinking about this, I think having one of my children be one who escalates quickly has helped. I HAVE to be calm when disciplining/dealing with him because he escalates so fast and furious that if both of us are high intensity NOTHING gets accomplished! If I stay calm, we can deal with things much easier. Tough lessons though! It's hard to break free from family patterns sometimes. Kudos to you for wanting things to be different in your family!

 

If you are the praying sort... I've found praying for help really helps. God has given me solutions for dealing with things that I would have never come up with on my own!

[Miss Peregrine]

I was yelled at constantly growing up. It was very easy to become a yeller. :(

 

My counselor told me that when you yell you rob your children of the opportunity to make the right choice. Everything stops and now the issue is you, not what was going on.

 

That was very helpful to me and lessened my yelling a great deal. I don't often yell anymore. :)

[indigomama]

I heard a speaker address this once and he said if he's ever tempted to yell at his children he sits down! He said it's a lot harder to yell at someone if you're sitting on the ground. It made me laugh and while I've never done it, I've often thought about it when I feel like I'm about to yell and I can't help but smile at the mental picture of that grown man sitting on the floor:)

 

It's hard not to use what was used on you, I think it's great that you see the problem and are trying to overcome it.

[Barb_]

I yell less than my parents did, less than I used to, but still more than I want to. In my defense though, I yell mostly at my son and my ADHD daughter who sometimes don't hear me through their own thoughts unless I am speaking sternly at top volume. Some kids do need volume more than others. But our house will be so much more peaceful when they learn to respond to soft voices.

 

How did I get past my upbringing? The first thing I changed was to stop yelling out of habit. I didn't try to curb my anger right at first, but I stopped yelling from room to room. Then I stopped yelling when my kids did something they didn't know was wrong. Everyone deserves once chance to screw up. Accidents happen. Children are inexperienced. Then I stopped assuming my kids were constantly out to annoy me. It wasn't about me. Letting go of the resentment cut down on a lot of anger. Don't attempt to stop yelling in spite of anger, work on the root of the anger first. You can build up a real power struggle if you focus only on what is happening in front of you rather than the underlying reasons. If your son is lying on the floor talking to himself with his shoes next to him, chances are you can figure out that he is distracted by the fantasy going on in his imagination. Working with that knowledge and physically handing him his shoe to break his reverie gently can work better than assuming he is defying you.

 

Sometimes I still get angry. Sometimes I assume a power struggle when none exists and I lose it. Sometimes the power struggle isn't in my imagination at all and I don't have any other option. I find I often yell when I feel frustrated and powerless. Usually I haven't been taking care of my myself. Maybe I've been feeling taken for granted by my husband and I'm unwittingly taking it out on my kids. Or I've not been sleeping enough or remembering my fish oil every morning. But most days I try to smile even when I don't feel particularly happy; I try to snuggle even when I don't feel particularly affectionate. The kids respond to that and they tend to want to co-operate when we are getting along. Sometimes you have to fake a good mood until you feel it ;)

 

Barb

Edited September 19, 2010 by Barb F. PA in AZ

[gingersmom]

My mother was a yeller.

 

I vowed as a child I was never going to be like my mother. I'm not (thankfully).

 

My mother was yelling from when she woke up in the morning till she went to bad. If she wasn't yelling at me and my brothers she was yelling at the gas station attendant, another car, another person, etc.

 

Its just not in my personality to be a yeller. My kids can probably count on one hand the number of times I have lost it.

 

I do get mad at them (obviously) but I just have found other ways of dealing with things.

[Rosie_0801]

I tell hubby I need some mamma time. It's funny how much more patience I have when I'm allowed to sleep through the night. It's not funny how much patience I don't have when I haven't even had two hours to myself in over a month.

 

Rosie

[anissa]

We had a dog that would cringe when she heard yelling. She made me feel so bad. I can only imagine what my poor husband and dc thought. I have made great improvements and I have dear old Haley to thank for that. I also prayed, a lot.

[laughing lioness]

I yell less than my parents did, less than I used to, but still more than I want to.

 

How did I get past my upbringing? The first thing I changed was to stop yelling out of habit. I didn't try to curb my anger right at first, but I stopped yelling from room to room. Then I stopped yelling when my kids did something they didn't know was wrong. Everyone deserves once chance to screw up. Accidents happen. Children are inexperienced. Then I stopped assuming my kids were constantly out to annoy me. It wasn't about me. Letting go of the resentment cut down on a lot of anger. Don't attempt to stop yelling in spite of anger, work on the root of the anger first. You can build up a real power struggle if you focus only on what is happening in front of you rather than the underlying reasons. If your son is lying on the floor talking to himself with his shoes next to him, chances are you can figure out that he is distracted by the fantasy going on in his imagination. Working with that knowledge and physically handing him his shoe to break his reverie gently can work better than assuming he is defying you.

 

Sometimes I still get angry. Sometimes I assume a power struggle when none exists and I lose it. Sometimes the power struggle isn't in my imagination at all and I don't have any other option. I find I often yell when I feel frustrated and powerless. Usually I haven't been taking care of my myself. Maybe I've been feeling taken for granted by my husband and I'm unwittingly taking it out on my kids. Or I've not been sleeping enough or remembering my fish oil every morning. But most days I try to smile even when I don't feel particularly happy; I try to snuggle even when I don't feel particularly affectionate. The kids respond to that and they tend to want to co-operate when we are getting along. Sometimes you have to fake a good mood until you feel it ;)

 

Barb

:iagree:

 

sorry for the thumbs down- my computer's been glitching on me today....

Edited September 19, 2010 by laughing lioness

[G5052]

Became a student of your triggers and manage your stress level very carefully. When I was that way, I think that some of it was that I was spread too thin. I also realized that if I was proactive with my children and monitored them better, things wouldn't get to the point that I'd feel like yelling.

 

My childhood was a mess, but thankfully I feel like I'm truly on a better path and don't have to repeat the ugly past. It's been several years since I "lost it" with them.

[TKDmom]

I heard a speaker address this once and he said if he's ever tempted to yell at his children he sits down! He said it's a lot harder to yell at someone if you're sitting on the ground. It made me laugh and while I've never done it, I've often thought about it when I feel like I'm about to yell and I can't help but smile at the mental picture of that grown man sitting on the floor:)

 

:laugh: That's a good idea!

 

How did I get past my upbringing? The first thing I changed was to stop yelling out of habit. I didn't try to curb my anger right at first, but I stopped yelling from room to room. Then I stopped yelling when my kids did something they didn't know was wrong. Everyone deserves once chance to screw up. Accidents happen. Children are inexperienced. Then I stopped assuming my kids were constantly out to annoy me. It wasn't about me. Letting go of the resentment cut down on a lot of anger. Don't attempt to stop yelling in spite of anger, work on the root of the anger first. You can build up a real power struggle if you focus only on what is happening in front of you rather than the underlying reasons. If your son is lying on the floor talking to himself with his shoes next to him, chances are you can figure out that he is distracted by the fantasy going on in his imagination. Working with that knowledge and physically handing him his shoe to break his reverie gently can work better than assuming he is defying you.

 

 

Thanks for the baby steps! I've noticed in the past that shouting from room to room makes it easier to yell at the kids when I get frustrated with them. I'd forgotten about it though...

 

 

Sometimes I still get angry. Sometimes I assume a power struggle when none exists and I lose it. Sometimes the power struggle isn't in my imagination at all and I don't have any other option. I find I often yell when I feel frustrated and powerless. Usually I haven't been taking care of my myself. Maybe I've been feeling taken for granted by my husband and I'm unwittingly taking it out on my kids. Or I've not been sleeping enough or remembering my fish oil every morning. But most days I try to smile even when I don't feel particularly happy; I try to snuggle even when I don't feel particularly affectionate. The kids respond to that and they tend to want to co-operate when we are getting along. Sometimes you have to fake a good mood until you feel it ;)

 

And I see from the bolded part here that you've been to my house. ;) Will I ever feel well-rested again?

 

DH and I have commented to each other that our disciplining is at its lowest when we are tired and just sit on the couch telling kids what to do. If I just take the little bit of effort to get up and go to the kids to help them, things are so much better.

 

sorry for the thumbs down- my computer's been glitching on me today....

 

I bet you could fix that by clicking on "Go Advanced" when you edit.

 

Became a student of your triggers and manage your stress level very carefully. When I was that way, I think that some of it was that I was spread too thin. I also realized that if I was proactive with my children and monitored them better, things wouldn't get to the point that I'd feel like yelling.

 

My childhood was a mess, but thankfully I feel like I'm truly on a better path and don't have to repeat the ugly past. It's been several years since I "lost it" with them.

 

Yep. Thank you. I know these things already, but it's so easy to forget when you are in the middle of things. Thanks for the encouragement.

[Alenee]

I grew up in a yelling household too. Unfortunately, it took having children and them getting old enough to yell at each other before I realized I was doing the same thing. (One of the best teachers for me has been watching my children act like me!! :001_huh:)

 

I have had to be VERY intentional in learning how to stop my yelling. I've worked very hard at trying not to react right away in a situation (unless safety is involved). I've also had to leave the room or send kids to their room while I calm down and figure out how to handle it. Really the bottom line has been me wanting to stop yelling and catching myself when I start. I find I yell less now. Usually the times I yell now are when I've been driven to the brink... I don't have any good coping skills for that yet. ;)

 

Also, in thinking about this, I think having one of my children be one who escalates quickly has helped. I HAVE to be calm when disciplining/dealing with him because he escalates so fast and furious that if both of us are high intensity NOTHING gets accomplished! If I stay calm, we can deal with things much easier. Tough lessons though! It's hard to break free from family patterns sometimes. Kudos to you for wanting things to be different in your family!

 

If you are the praying sort... I've found praying for help really helps. God has given me solutions for dealing with things that I would have never come up with on my own!

 

:iagree: I was a yeller for quite a while but just like the above poster, I recognized it and had a strong desire to stop. God definitely showed me a way out and has changed my heart in the matter. Pray pray pray and take LOTS of deep breaths!

[The Girls' Mom]

I apologize a lot.

 

I'm leagues away from the amount of yelling I grew up with, but I still feel like I'm channeling my mother sometimes.

 

It's hard to stop it all together when sometimes it seems like they don't listen UNTIL I yell..:confused:

[PiCO]

Both of my parents were yellers. Constant angry screaming at us for every single thing. Part of what helps me is that I tried to learn from my parents mistakes. I spent a lot of time thinking about how what they did when I was little hurt me psychologically before I had my daughter. The other half is just constantly watching what I say. If I'm the least bit angry, I don't open my mouth until I've considered what I'm going to say. I'm not perfect, obviously, but I have succeeded in greatly reducing the yelling in my house.

 

When I was growing up, my family argued incessantly. About EVERYTHING. We called it debating. (Sometimes it did involve yelling, but not always.)

 

It really stressed me out, but I fell into the same pattern as an adult. But I married someone who would not argue. At all. Best thing I ever did.

[MeaganS]

My mother is a yeller, and I was the oldest of 6 kids and was often left in charge of them. When I would babysit them, I'd yell, so I already had the habit before I even had my own children.

 

One definitely agree that it's one of those things you have to try very consciously not to do. It helps that my husband is not a yeller and doesn't tolerate me yelling at him if I'm angry. It used to make me more angry when he'd tell me to stop yelling, but I'm getting to where I choose to find it helpful. The other thing that helps was something my mother told me. She said when she was growing up, her mother would slap them and physically punish them quite a bit, as well as yell at them. She has struggled the whole time as a parent to not be physical with us because it's her natural impulse, and she really did a good job with that. She didn't focus so hard on not yelling. Now I don't have the urge to be physical with my kids, but I do still have the urge to yell. I appreciate that I don't have to struggle with that, and figure if she can get over being physical, I can get over yelling.