Anyone with a depressed friend?

[myfunnybunch]

I have a friend. She struggles with depression. She attempts to treat it with counseling and natural remedies. (IMO, this is not working well for her for a variety of reasons, but I have not been asked my opinion and firmly believe that it is her choice and that she needs to make her own decisions in this area.)

 

I am struggling with this friendship because it wears me out to be around her.

 

She constantly directs the conversation to herself and her problems, areas which lead to tears...sobbing...for her, in front of our children. I wanted to be a supportive friend, then I finally realized that while it is cathartic in some ways, it is not a healthy behavior for her or for the children to see. So I constantly redirect and redirect and redirect the conversation.

 

She takes offense easily and takes things very personally. If we must cancel a playdate, she reacts very negatively; if, in a group, I sit with someone else she takes it as avoidance of her. I finally realized that in order to continue the friendship I needed to stop tiptoeing, behave as I would with any other friend and let her reactions be what they are.

 

Her life is constant chaos, and she feels helpless and out of control. But she's not open to offers of help. I rarely offer suggestions or advice because she doesn't want those--she wants conversation to focus on how helpless she feels and how other people are not fixing her problems for her. Redirect.

 

I am not writing these things as complaints, only as description of how this affects our relationship (and, I suspect, her relationships with others). She is generous, loyal, we have common interests, and she has lovely sweet children. When she's feeling healthier, we have wonderful conversations.

 

I know I can choose to distance myself. I am pretty good at setting healthy boundaries for myself, and have chosen to continue this friendship because I think she needs it, her children need healthy people in their lives, and we genuinely enjoy the family. I do limit the amount of time we spend together according to the energy I have available. That sounds so cold when I say it that way, doesn't it? But I want to be able to be present when with her and her children instead of exhausted and watching the clock after 20 minutes...

 

I am asking for advice or just some empathy because this is hard, that's all.

 

Thanks. :)

 

Cat

[kalanamak]

It is said that "a depressed person is depressing". (This is used as a technique when the diagnosis is a bit unclear.) I do find depressed people depressing, but not "wearing you out". Sounds like she has other issues going on. You may want to wander through a google of "personality disorders" to see if you are dealing with something else, too.

 

:grouphug: People in the grey are difficult: total jerks you get rid of, wonderful people you cherish....it is the ones in between that set me in a quandary.

[Beth in OH]

Yes, I have this friend, although she is not in counseling, nor is she medically treated. I am getting ready to have a "concerned" conversation about the markers of depression that I see and how I have noticed them progressing.

 

I, too, want to be there for her. Nonetheless, I limit the time I spend with her to fitness walking in the park no more than once per week. I don't want to enable, and I can't be the "problem fixer" she might like me to be. I suspect that like most of her previous friendships, this one will peter out as she becomes tired of my "failure" to reach out to her sufficiently.

 

 

Beth

[myfunnybunch]

:grouphug: People in the grey are difficult: total jerks you get rid of, wonderful people you cherish....it is the ones in between that set me in a quandary.

 

Yes. This exactly.

 

And I do love her children, particularly her darling dd. That little girl has the brightest smile, and her momma really does treasure her.

 

Cat

[kalanamak]

That little girl has the brightest smile, and her momma really does treasure her.

 

Cat

 

Now that is depressing....

[Guest janainaz]

It sounds like you already know how to handle her and there is nothing wrong with limiting the time and circumstances of your visits with her. I think when some people are feeling depressed, they don't want answers, they just want to wallow in their frustration. So being a friend to a person in that mindset does require you to focus more outward, but with healthy boundaries on your end.

 

Just be you and if she gets upset, if she's your friend, she'll eventually get over it. You should not feel guilt and on the other end, expect her to be upset so that you don't feel angry with her later on.

[Rosie_0801]

My mother has had depression almost since I can remember and she's not like this. Depression (not talking about bipolar here since I've no experience with that) is not a good enough excuse for dumping like this on everyone, all the time.

 

Rosie

[Alphabetika]

You are a very dear friend to care so much, as it does sound exhausting to be with her, and also like it may not be doing her good in the long run. She may need more help than you can give. Perhaps phone conversations with her would be better? Then your children don't have to see her fall apart and you may have more control over when the conversation ends. If she truly won't seek better health measures, you may need to set some boundaries. She is an adult and must learn that the world doesn't revolve around her.

 

That's my tough love answer.

[Jann in TX]

Fun.

 

I have to seriously limit my time around her when she is blue. This week was difficult and now she is spending the next 2 weeks in the mental hospital. She will come back doped up but 'stable'... and then be OK for a month or so then the cycle will rinse and repeat.

 

I know this and she is still my best friend--even though I have to give her some space at times.

[StephanieZ]

It is hard. I don't have much wisdom to offer, but I encourage you to set boundaries to at least protect your children from witnessing her traumatic emotions. I don't think it is healthy for children to witness that on a routine basis.

 

Could you ask her to lunch, just the two of you, and set some guidelines?

 

Tell her you want to be a good friend to her, but you do not feel comfortable with her expressing her anguish in the presence of your children. Be very specific about what behaviors you do not want in front of your children (crying, discussions of anger/trauma/grief, etc) Tell her you want to be there for her when your children are not present. Tell her you'd like to meet for coffee in the evening when the kids can stay home in bed or with your husband. . . or whatever other times seem manageable for you. Perhaps a phone call when you can separate yourself from your dc. . .

 

If she could follow these guidelines, then you could have get-togethers involving the kids that would be pleasant and healthy for all the kids. And, less painful for you. And, truly, healthier for her.

 

Then, make a point of having some alone time once a month or as often as you can when she can vent and you can listen.

 

That's what I'd try.

 

FWIW, she is probably not actually helping herself by dumping on you. She needs to get real solutions and not wallow in her pain. It sounds like she is using you to help her wallow, and that helps noone.

 

((hugs))

[myfunnybunch]

FWIW, she is probably not actually helping herself by dumping on you. She needs to get real solutions and not wallow in her pain. It sounds like she is using you to help her wallow, and that helps noone.

 

Yes, absolutely. I'm already there, and no longer allow wallowing, or any conversation about how depressed she feels and how sad she is and how this and that and the other thing make her feel terrible. I bring conversations back to the things we have in common, what the kids are doing for school and say "I'm sorry you're feeling bad. I'll give you a minute to collect yourself while I distract the kids."

 

It is just tiring to spend (sometimes) an entire afternoon redirecting.

 

Cat

[dsmith]

I can sympathise with what you are going through. One of my best and oldest friends is manic depressive / bipolar. She is going through a very rough time right now, and has even mentioned suicide. I feel torn because I love her dearly, but she can only see her problems right now. She gets me on the phone and talks endlessly about her problems, which are all self - created. Some of the things she's having problems with are very sensitive and traumatic topics for me and she knows this, yet she keeps subjecting me to them. I value her friendship, but it's getting difficult to be her friend at the moment. I don't know how to tell her that I need some space from her problems without hurting her feelings, but I'm going to have to say something.

[Alphabetika]

Yes, absolutely. I'm already there, and no longer allow wallowing, or any conversation about how depressed she feels and how sad she is and how this and that and the other thing make her feel terrible. I bring conversations back to the things we have in common, what the kids are doing for school and say "I'm sorry you're feeling bad. I'll give you a minute to collect yourself while I distract the kids."

 

It is just tiring to spend (sometimes) an entire afternoon redirecting.

 

Cat

 

IMHO, you should not have to spend your entire afternoon redirecting an adult, even one you love. If she needs this level of care, she needs to see a professional.

[StephanieZ]

Are there certain situations that would make it less likely for her to whine?

 

How about something that involves vigorous exercise? A true hike, with hills? A bike ride? Chasing the kids around some insane ChuckECheese place?

 

Exercise would be great for her mental health. . . and really, who can whine if you're out of breath?

 

If you're at a play ground, can you bring good shoes and plan to MOTOR around the perimeter for exercise?

 

Alternatively, very noisy (rock concert, lol) or very quiet (story time, concerts, movie theater) places that preclude conversation?

[Joker]

My mother has had depression almost since I can remember and she's not like this. Depression (not talking about bipolar here since I've no experience with that) is not a good enough excuse for dumping like this on everyone, all the time.

 

Rosie

 

 

:iagree:I have struggled with depression for the last ten years and it was always more of a private thing. If anything, my friends (including by bf outside of dh) thought I was more than happy. My dh was the only one who knew something was wrong. I never just dumped my feelings on my friends and did not want a lot of attention directed at me.

[myfunnybunch]

Thank you everyone, for your suggestions, and especially to those who pointed out that she's likely got other issues. It just didn't occur to me since she talks frequently about her depression. I'm not sure it would be helpful for me to try to figure out what else is going on. (Would it?) but just the idea that there's some other possible personality disorder/diagnosis for her helps me to rethink things.

 

And doh! to me--thanks Stephanie. Excellent. When I read your post, I realized that while she prefers to get together in our homes, our most successful outings (imo) are things like blueberry picking or hiking or at the river or a busy park.

 

Cat

[MistyJ]

I've had depression since I was 10, treated for 8 years.

 

If she's sharing, she really, really, wants help, and might be contemplating suicide. (A friend at church used to share her depression with me every Sunday after Mass, and I thought it was strange, until she committed suicide.)

 

Yes, absolutely, physical exercise would be a great time to spend time with each other. But I am in the camp the depression is a chemical imbalance.

 

I might tell her, "I understand you are in pain. I think it's serious, it overwhelms me, too, and I feel I can't help you. I've decided not talk to you about your feelings and problems until you are under the care of a psychiatrist." I had a psychologist tell me this, when I was opposed to medication. It hurt terribly, and I felt abandoned, but I ended up getting help, and it has been smooth sailing (relatively) for 8 years.

 

Don't give up on her. You might be all she has.