HELP! I think I am raising a racist

[Firestar Academy]

We were watching Family Feud on TV just now, and my 7 year old, said, "Yeah, my favorite team won!" I asked her, "Why? is it because they did so well at the beginning?" and she said, "I like to root for the team with lighter skin."

YIKES!

I told her that we like all people no matter the color of their skin. And that God loves us all no matter the color of our skin.

 

I could NEVER tell anyone about this IRL...

 

Any suggestions for this conversation with my dd(7)???

 

Robin

[Bird Girl]

First of all, don't panic! Studies show that almost all children have a "natural" affinity with people of their own racial background--only children with the genetic condition called Williams syndrome show no racial preferences. Second, now that you've heard her assumptions, you can take steps (as you have already done) to correct them.

 

Kids in public schools get socialized to this stuff beginning in kindergarten. As homeschooling parents, we can just keep our ears to the ground, and correct these tendencies when they crop up.

 

It doesn't mean she has strongly held racist beliefs or any nonsense like that.

[BearWallowSchool]

I agree, she is just a child and didn't realize what she said. I think you handled it really well. I wouldn't panic, it might make her feel like she is a bad child.

[Laurie4b]

I think that is pretty normal for a little kid and it may not mean anything more than it would if one team was mostly redhead and the other mostly brunette and she liked the brunette team better. However, it's also possible that cultural messages about skin tone have already seeped into your child's mind. I think you injecting what you said is a good way to handle it. I wouldn't obsess about it.

 

Does your child have a selection of friends of different ethnicities? That makes a lot of difference in how kids perceive things. If your child's friends all look like her, she can begin to develop an "us" and "other" orientation. Again, it's not at all necessarily racist (though it could eventually lead there) but more like "people like me" and "people not like me."

 

One of my kids said something like that when he was young. We had dolls of different skin tones, his brother's best friend is another ethnicity, I have friends of different ethnicities, we had many books with kids of different ethnicities, we attend a church with mixed ethnicities, etc. I didn't worry about it, just kept doing what I was already doing. I've never heard anything like that since.

[hsm6kids]

:iagree: she "roots" for the team that she relates to the most. I have nephews and nieces who are African American, my kids are Hispanic and I am white. All of the kids have done the same thing when they were younger. They have even split there teams up by color while playing in the yard. We as adults just intervened and reminded them that they are all the same, related by blood in fact and that skin color is just a trait like hair color or eye color. Most of them are teenagers now and they don't have those issues anymore.

[Firestar Academy]

ok, thanks for all the supporting words. I said things like we love all people as long as they are good in heart, no matter the skin color.

 

robin in NJ

[mommaduck]

Yes, it sounds more like how girls will generally root for the girls if there is a majority girls' team and vise versa.

[mooooom]

and his twin said something similar about kids w/o teeth (the teeth thing actually took longer to get over - until they lost their own front teeth). They both got over it.

[rwjx2khsmj]

First of all, don't panic!

 

It doesn't mean she has strongly held racist beliefs or any nonsense like that.

 

I wish I'd gotten this advice when my dd was about three. I heard her talking about the brown girl she'd met at preschool and immediately started to lecture her. She gave me a funny look and said, "But mom, her hair is brown." :tongue_smilie: Now, I've learned really listen and to ask questions before I shove me foot in my mouth. Most of the time.

[dragons in the flower bed]

Any suggestions for this conversation with my dd(7)???

 

"Honey, I know you didn't mean anything by it, but in the past people have been treated very poorly just because of the color of their skin. It's not fair -- your skin color is just accidental, after all -- and it's upsetting to think of that happening again. Pick a good reason to root for a team, okay?"

 

Follow up with a book or two on Dr. King.

[Crissy]

"Honey, I know you didn't mean anything by it, but in the past people have been treated very poorly just because of the color of their skin. It's not fair -- your skin color is just accidental, after all -- and it's upsetting to think of that happening again. Pick a good reason to root for a team, okay?"

 

Follow up with a book or two on Dr. King.

 

Perfect!

[FO4UR]

My dc have said things that raised my eyebrows a time or two...I gently remind them that all people are the same and yet all people are different in some way...skin tone is a variation that some people are really sensitive about. We never want to hurt anyone's feelings so we don't describe a person by their skin color.

 

I agree with the idea of finding some good children's books on the topic.:iagree:

[DawnL]

Don't worry, it's normal. My kids are brown, and all of them like kids that look like them. That doesn't mean they don't like "lighter" kids. It just means they notice.

We watched Monsters, Inc. yesterday. At the end, when the monster comes out to make the kid laugh, my youngest said, "Momma! He looks like me!" and was thrilled. He'll be 4 next month.

On Sonny With A Chance (a show on Disney Channel) my 6.5 year old ds' favorite characters are Nikko and Grady, 2 guys that are really funny. He like Nikko slightly more and I think it's because Nikko is brown like him. But it doesn't mean he doesn't like the white guy. He just relates to the brown guy more, because he looks like him.

[mommaduck]

Don't worry, it's normal. My kids are brown, and all of them like kids that look like them. That doesn't mean they don't like "lighter" kids. It just means they notice.

We watched Monsters, Inc. yesterday. At the end, when the monster comes out to make the kid laugh, my youngest said, "Momma! He looks like me!" and was thrilled. He'll be 4 next month.

On Sonny With A Chance (a show on Disney Channel) my 6.5 year old ds' favorite characters are Nikko and Grady, 2 guys that are really funny. He like Nikko slightly more and I think it's because Nikko is brown like him. But it doesn't mean he doesn't like the white guy. He just relates to the brown guy more, because he looks like him.

We live in a very mixed neighbourhood with most of the children being hispanic. One of my daughters tends to the Native (darker skin, brown eyes, brown hair) side of the family and she made friends easily. One of my daughters tends to the Finnish/Scots (translucent skin, blue eyes, strawberry blonde) side of the family and one of the kids told her that she wasn't "human" because she was so "white". We didn't take it offensively. They are kids noticing a difference and it is not uncommon for some kid to say something offensive just to see how someone will react or just to run at the mouth thinking they are being witty. My dd did take it offensively though and we did sit down to talk with her, because it was hurtful.

[Mimm]

I think kids don't realize what it sounds like and I wouldn't freak out about it. I would talk casually about race in positive ways. I would be honest about racism and slavery and things like segregation. My kids' school would talk about these things fairly openly (but not graphically) and it's been a positive thing for my nine year old especially since she had a classmate who is half black.

 

Though, similar story: One of my sisters was adopted from Haiti. She's 16 now and was recently visiting here and everyone was getting ice cream. My seven year old asked if my sister wanted chocolate or vanilla ice cream. My sister asked for chocolate and my daughter giggled and said, "Just like your skin!" My sister laughed and told me the story. She's very laid back and jokes about race a lot, sometimes in ways that sensitive people would find quite shocking.

[....]

We're also a biracial family. If people heard the questions my kids have asked us - Wooo! :D They're just trying to figure out their world.

[ThelmaLou]

My 9 year old son has made a couple of comments recently like that. We were in Colorado Springs at a chuckwagon style dinner/entertainment venue. As we wandered through the grounds, we stopped to watch an American Indian family do some beautiful dance routines. When we finished, he asked why anyone would be interested in watching *that*. I asked him what he meant and he said, "I mean....come on Mom. We're white and they're Red Men." Oh dear.

 

Last week, one of my older boys mentioned something about China in passing (can't remember what), and my 9 year old said people don't live there anymore. I said, "What do you mean?" He said, "China's an ancient civilization where primitive Chinese people used to live." I told him, "China's roots go way back, but people live in China today, too, and they're not primitive at all! They have huge cities, schools, factories, technology, everything we have here." He was dumbfounded.

 

My older boys seem to have no similar misunderstandings. I'm thinking this kid needs some serious cultural appreciation!

[Mom in High Heels]

I wouldn't stress too much. When Indy was little (3-4)he went to the most wonderful preschool in the world (seriously), that was run by a black woman (she hated being called AA, so I defer to her wishes on this) and her daughter. The owner has a masters in early childhood education and her daughter was working on her masters in the same subject. Indy loved them so much. One night when I was putting Indy to bed we were laying there talking (I usually lay in his bed with him for a few minutes to talk) and he told me that "Miss Court was the most beautiful girl in the world." I jokingly asked if she was prettier than me (you know how us moms are-no one can be prettier, right?) and he said something that horrified me at first. He said "Well mom, she's black pretty, and you're white pretty, so it's different." Seriously, I nearly fell off his bed. I was scrambling to think of what to say when he followed it with "Isn't it great that we all come in so many colors? We're all the same inside, but outside we're all different." This certainly allayed my fears and showed me that something that *I* took to be racist to him was just matter of fact. We ARE all different outside and that's okay.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Yes. It's perfectly normal. We live in a very integrated neighborhood, and one day, my then 4 yr. old said, "I don't like people with brown skin." I was shocked, because I couldn't figure out where he would have heard that, or that he came up with it on his own. I asked him why he said that, and he told me that because his cousin has brown skin, he didn't like brown people. That made a lot more sense, because the cousin had just been adopted from India and has many issues. He drove my Aspie son insane with non-stop ADD behavior, constantly yelling (cousin is almost deaf) and poking my son repeatedly to get his attention. I explained that cousin's behavior had nothing to do with skin color, but that something didn't work right in cousin's brain and that caused him to act the way he does. Since then, I've never heard another remark about brown people. About 1/3 of the kids in ds's classes in K and 1st were black, a couple hispanic, and about 1/3 of Asian descent. I've never heard any other questions about skin color or anything else relating to ethnicity.

[Ginevra]

It might prompt me to rent a movie or two that shows dark-skinned people accomplishing substantial victories. "Akelah and the Bee" springs to mind. That was a good movie.

[Ginevra]

Seriously, I nearly fell off his bed. I was scrambling to think of what to say when he followed it with "Isn't it great that we all come in so many colors? We're all the same inside, but outside we're all different." This certainly allayed my fears and showed me that something that *I* took to be racist to him was just matter of fact. We ARE all different outside and that's okay.

:001_wub: It could be PMS, but that seriously made tears spring to my eyes!

[smrtmama]

This might be a good opportunity to examine how your whole family deals with issues of race and ethnicity.

 

What is being modeled by your family and how (if necessary or desired) could you model something else? Do you interact with people of other races/ethnicities/cultures on a peer-level with any regularity? Do you watch or read media that portrays people of other colors or cultures in a positive light and/or as every day people going about their lives without attention needed to be called to their race/culture?

 

The biggest failing that most of us have isn't that we're exhibiting blatant racism, but that we aren't addressing it at all and just rushing to address the symptoms when they manifest (like in comments about someone's skin). There seems to be this unhealthy social trend towards faux colorblindness. Kids notice that people look differently or that they dress differently or talk differently -- by NOT talking about it we aren't teaching them not to look at it or think about those differences, but are instead implying that it isn't something worth acknowledging.

[AHASRADA]

There must be something about 4 year olds, because when my ds was 4, he made a somewhat embarassing comment. We were walking home from getting ice cream, and there were two young Asian gentlemen who came up behind us. Upon seeing them, ds asks, "Are they going to do 'Ya, goosh!"? (Ya, goosh! being his immitation of karate chopping!) We were taken aback, but relieved that he didn't make any karate gestures along with his comment, so they likely didn't know what he meant, although we did. Once we got over our initial embarrassment, we realized that he and his dad had been watching Jackie Chan movies quite a bit, and that most of his exposure to Asian people was through these movies. He was making a perfectly logical assumption based on his limited experience and exposure. We just told him that not all people who look like Jackie Chan do karate, and in fact people of any color can learn karate. BTW, he has now been studying karate himself for 4 years ;).

 

I agree with not freaking out about it. If your family makes it clear in your everyday words and deeds that racism is not only abhorrent but illogical, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

[stripe]

First of all, don't panic! Studies show that almost all children have a "natural" affinity with people of their own racial background

Actually there have also been studies with darker skinned people expressing a preference for lighter skin.

 

My kids are mixed, and I have been totally horrified by some of the things that have come out of their mouth. They DEFINITELY are not in a single race/skin color environment either in the house or in everyday life. and I was really sad when one expressed dissatisfaction with their own skin color. I took a page from NurtureShock, which discusses just WHY it is important to talk about race with your child, and Does Anybody Else Look Like Me? which offers concrete suggestions (from the perspective of a parent of a ethnically mixed child).

[Mom in High Heels]

:001_wub: It could be PMS, but that seriously made tears spring to my eyes!

 

Awww, I didn't mean to make you cry. It still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. He's such a sweet kid and I was so stunned that he came up with that. He has friends of all ethnicities which is wonderful.

[Jumping In Puddles]

When my kids were 3 and 4, I took them for a visit to the place I use to work. One guy came over to talk to them and my daughters eyes lit up and she said "hi, I love your pretty brown skin!" and my ds4 says "yeah, me too, it looks like chocolate!!!" He laughed and I was mortified.

 

When ds was 5, I read him the story of MLK Jr. and at the end of the story he says "wow, if I were the bus driver... I would sit everyone in a pattern!!!":001_huh: He must have seen the look on my face because he then said "well, I guess they could just sit where they want." :eek:

[Dobela]

Actually there have also been studies with darker skinned people expressing a preference for lighter skin.

 

My kids are mixed, and I have been totally horrified by some of the things that have come out of their mouth. They DEFINITELY are not in a single race/skin color environment either in the house or in everyday life. and I was really sad when one expressed dissatisfaction with their own skin color. I took a page from NurtureShock, which discusses just WHY it is important to talk about race with your child, and Does Anybody Else Look Like Me? which offers concrete suggestions (from the perspective of a parent of a ethnically mixed child).

Another good book is I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla: Raising Healthy Black and Biracial Children in a Race-Conscious World by Marguerite A. Wright . When we adopted transracially a friend gave this to us. The first half of the book explains how all children view race and differences at different stages of development and how we should react at those ages. A fabulous book for any parent IMO - not just those raising black or biracial children.

[stripe]

One guy came over to talk to them and my daughters eyes lit up and she said "hi, I love your pretty brown skin!" and my ds4 says "yeah, me too, it looks like chocolate!!!" He laughed and I was mortified.

 

At least they said they liked it! ;)

[Tree House Academy]

While I think it was an obvious teaching moment, I also don't think your child is a racist. If you are a caucasian family and don't have a lot of friends of other races, then this is completely normal. My son made a comment when he was about 5 about skin color and I took the opportunity to educate him. Since he has never said anything like that again and has had more exposure to other races since then, I feel like it was just a good moment for teaching. Kids don't come out knowing and understanding differences in people...just like you may explain things to your child the first time they see someone in a wheelchair. It is not bad...just lack of understanding.

[Tree House Academy]

Actually there have also been studies with darker skinned people expressing a preference for lighter skin.

 

My kids are mixed, and I have been totally horrified by some of the things that have come out of their mouth. They DEFINITELY are not in a single race/skin color environment either in the house or in everyday life. and I was really sad when one expressed dissatisfaction with their own skin color. I took a page from NurtureShock, which discusses just WHY it is important to talk about race with your child, and Does Anybody Else Look Like Me? which offers concrete suggestions (from the perspective of a parent of a ethnically mixed child).

 

Thank you for the book recs. My niece is bi-racial and has done some of the same things you describe here. :(

[stripe]

Thank you for the book recs. My niece is bi-racial and has done some of the same things you describe here. :(

There was also an article in Brain, Child magazine by an African American mother whose mixed (black/white) daughter made some interesting comments, and another article by a white mother on her interracial adoption.