Weaning your 3 year old

[kwg]

:eek: :confused: :w00t: :blink: :crying:

 

I could actually chose a whole slew of smilies to fit this topic. I have a 3 and a half year old and I would like to wean him. He, however, has NO interest in weaning. I am fine with that. I am still ready (but there is a small part that is worried I will damage him psychologically by weaning before he is ready....but at the same time I am done.)

 

 

Our most challenging times is 4 AM. The early morning is the hardest because I really just want to go back to sleep :o. Hubby is not interested in sleeping with him alone although I could prob talk him into it or beg if need be.

 

He still asks to nurse if I sit down but can be distracted and accepts no usually. Though sometimes he persists. FOr the most part , he is down to 1-2 times a day, at home only.

 

Sooo...any tips, advice, stories? How long does it take?

 

I assume it is obvious but just in case- I would prefer tips on how to wean, not judgments on how long we have been nursing. Thank you! I am embarrassed and worried what others think :blushing:

 

Thank you for any and all thoughts!

[patchfire]

My oldest nursling is, well... older than yours. No judgement here. :001_smile:

 

At 3 1/2, he's old enough, IMO, to just be told 'no.' If you carefully read statements by LLLI, WHO, etc., they all say to continue as long as it's mutually okay. If you aren't okay with it any longer, then it's better to wean than to 'suffer through.'

 

I would suggest starting with the daytime nursings, because it's much easier to stick to your guns when you're fully awake. As exhausting as it sounds, don't sit down much around him for a few days. Plan a few special things for you & he to do together (just the two of you, if possible). He's also not too young to ask what it is he especially likes about nursing. If he gives you a coherent answer, you can use that to frame a 'substitute,' rather than relying on simple distraction.

 

Just a few thoughts - I hope something helps!

[Mrs Mungo]

I nursed each of my kids until they were 2 1/2. Weaning was a process that I encouraged.

 

The first change I made was when they were around 18 months. DH would give them their bath, I would nurse them (but not let them go to sleep) and then DH would put them to sleep. They slept in their own beds and didn't wake up at night at that age (my kids have always been good sleepers, that's not a brag, it's just a personal trait).

 

At two, I started giving them a starch/protein-heavy snack at bedtime to help them sleep longer-oatmeal with bananas and cottage cheese mixed in, something like that. eta: Having a cup of water and/or a small snack on your bedside table might work if he persists in waking.

 

I skipped the morning nursing by getting up and giving them a bowl of cereal, a yogurt or a banana while I made breakfast.

 

If they wanted to nurse while I was sitting, I would get up and we'd play playdough or blocks or read a story. They were often happy with getting attention and not nursing. I think a lot of nursing *of that type* is about getting attention.

 

Naptime was the last nursing they gave up and they all gave up napping along with the nursing that went with it.

[jeswa]

For my daughter just telling her later when she asked seemed to work quite well. Normally she would get distracted with something else and forget about nursing. I doubt this would work for the 4 am feeding though. Good luck.

 

Jes

[forty-two]

I've a just-turned 4yo who still nurses a bit in the mornings. I completely understand feeling ready to be done but not wanting to force weaning :grouphug:. I will say there has been a *big* difference b/w 3.5 and 4 - I finally see light at the end of the tunnel. At 3.5, dd4 wanted to nurse several times a day (though I only allowed "10 second nursies"), but the past few months she dropped off rather naturally to just nursing in the morning. Now I don't allow nursing except then, and she's fine with it - rarely asks, and takes no for an answer well.

 

Nightweaning happened when we started co-sleeping with dd1.5 (at 5mo) and dd4 (then 2.75yo) lost her easy access spot :tongue_smilie: (if she wanted to come into our bed (from the sidecarred crib), she now had to sleep b/w dh and I, facing my back). I let her nurse whenever she wanted, but she had to sit up and lean over me to manage it. Pretty soon she decided it wasn't worth it - she'd rather sleep. Keeping water handy, and having her take a drink before she could nurse was also helpful - sometimes she was just thirsty. Even now, though, I will generally allow 10 sec nursies during the night if she persists after having a drink (otherwise her wailing will wake dd1.5 :glare:) - usually means she is hungry. Making sure she has a good dinner helps a lot there.

[Mom-ninja.]

For my daughter just telling her later when she asked seemed to work quite well. Normally she would get distracted with something else and forget about nursing. I doubt this would work for the 4 am feeding though. Good luck.

 

Jes

 

This is something I warn moms not to do. It can cause trust issues. If you tell a child you will do something later (whether that is playing, nursing, read a book, whatever...) then you must follow through. Even if the child has "forgotten" they usually will remember again at some point. They will make note of it, and then there may be a time when they simply will not trust your word anymore. If you say it make sure you follow through.

 

For night weaning you can tell your child that your breasts go to sleep and they don't wake up until the sun comes up. You can make a big deal about saying good night to nursies and see you in the morning.

 

During the day you can always offer a substitute and see if your child will accept it. When he asks to nurse ask if he is thirsty and would like water, juice, milk, etc. Ask if he is hungry and offer a snack. Is he bored? Ask if he would like to play a game, read a book, etc. Does he want to feel connected to you? Again ask about doing an activity or offer cuddles. You could offer scratching his back for example.

 

If he really wants to nurse despite all other offers, you can limit the time of nursing. You can tell he can nurse until you count to 15 (or whatever number you choose) and then count out loud as he nurses. You can set a timer. When time is up, make the statement, and end the nursing. Usually, this works pretty well with older nurslings. Especially, if followed about with another offer. Such as, "You can nurse until I count to 15 and then I will read a book to you while you remain on my lap."

 

You can set a goal with your child and come up with a deadline for when you want him to be weaned. You can mark the days off the calendar. Some people have a weaning party with a cake and everything. You and your child celebrate the bitter sweet milestone of weaning with a party. It can be a big party with friends or a private family party. If, after the deadline has past, and your child asks to nurse just remind him that he is all done.

 

The amount of resistance you get from him will depend on how ready he is to wean and your consistency. Don't go back and forth as that can make things harder.

 

You can check out the book "How Weaning Happens"

 

Good luck.

[Dawn in OH]

When I weaned Owen last year at just past his second birthday I started by cutting back on the number of daytime nursings by asking him "Are you hungry?" Usually he was and accepted a snack. By the time he finished his snack he had forgotten all about wanting to nurse.

 

For the middle of the night I told him that I didn't have milk, I was making more for the morning. It was only rough for about a week.

 

The last session to go was in the morning, and I helped that one along by making sure I was up and running around starting my day before he woke up.

 

I had planned to let him continue nursing until he was ready to nurse, but the new pregnancy had me wanting a few months of uninterrupted sleep. Since Owen wasn't terribly disturbed over the idea, I continued my efforts to wean him. I was actually surprised at how well it worked for us.

[rwjx2khsmj]

Once my children were old enough to understand that night time ended when the sun came up it was easier to delay nursing. A simple explanation of "We nurse in the morning when the sun comes up. Now it is time to sleep." was usually enough.

 

We reduced the daytime nursing by having snacks and limiting nursing to one location. For us it was my bed. So, if we weren't at home we couldn't nurse because we only nurse in bed. If a dc was playing and wanted a quick sip, that was fine with me but only in bed. When given the choice of stopping play or nursing the choice was often to keep playing.

 

After a time, nursing became only in the morning and only in bed. Before long, the excitement of getting up for the day and having a favorite breakfast grew more important than the nursing.

[IsabelC]

Wow, well done! That is an amazing achievement that you have breastfed him for this long. :001_smile:

 

The wonderful thing about weaning at this age is that you can discuss it with your little one and get his input into the process. However, if he is adamant that he will never wean (as some children are) then you can always let him get used to reduced breastfeeding first.

 

I would actually suggest eliminating the 4am feed to start with. Yes, it might be the hardest, but it seems to be the one that you really don't want to do, and once you get rid of that it will be easy to sort out the daytime feeds. Just tell him that he can have a 'goodnight' feed at bedtime, and then the breasts (or whatever he calls them) go to sleep, so there is no milk until the sun comes up (or until family waking up time, or whatever). When he wakes up, give him a quiet cuddle and then be as boring as you can and don't let him nurse (you may need to wear something that makes it difficult to access if he is apt to help himself!). Have some water handy to offer in case he is actually thirsty. If he has anything else that helps him go to sleep (eg a lullaby, a backrub), do that. If you both get distressed, it might be time for his dad to settle him. If this is a difficult time, you might want to wait a bit before moving on the the next stage.

 

The next phase I'd suggest would be limiting his nursing sessions as much as you can. Figure out what would be acceptable to you as an interim thing, and try to stick with whatever you decide. Eg you might say he can have a morning breastfeed and an evening one, but not at other times of the day. Then once he gets used to this, switch one of the feeds for something else he will enjoy. Eg instead of waking up and breastfeeding, he can wake up, cuddle mom and dad, and have a fruit smoothie to drink. It can also help if you explicitly teach him to check in with what he needs. So if he asks to nurse and you are refusing, you can prompt him to think whether he might like a snack, a drink, a hug, an activity to do, etc. so that he learns to stop just automatically coming for a breastfeed when he's hungry, bored, or just because he saw you sit down.

 

Once you're down to just the goodnight feed, you might decide that you are OK with continuing this for as long as he wants. But if you decide you would prefer him completely weaned, it might help to set a date and plan a little celebration for him becoming a 'big boy'. Then if he wants to 'unwean' later, you can simply remind him that breastfeeding is for little children and he's a big boy who doesn't do that anymore.

 

The above is pretty much what I did last time, and it went very smoothly and easily. I believe that main points to remember are

1. Be firm - think carefully, but then stick with what you decide. He will feel more secure if he sees that you know what you're doing!

2. Be sure to give him plenty of other opportunities for cuddling and connecting with you. That way he won't feel as though you're pushing him away.

 

 

ETA - You might find that you have very mixed feelings about him weaning. But if you are one of those women who experiences moodswings and tearfulness (this is a quite common result of the hormonal changes as the body stops lactating), don't let your little man see you appearing to be upset about it. Make sure that all he sees is how proud and excited you are that he is growing up.

Edited July 7, 2010 by Hotdrink

[Joanne]

My answer is not always popular with AP types. I observed that the nursing relationship seems to have immunity in some settings, as if it isn't subject to the dynamic of temperment.

 

I will link you to my personal experience with needy older nurslings.

 

Nursing an intense older child.

 

I'll tell you straight up that mothering dot com types, non coercive types and those whose identity is wrapped up in being "AP" often bristle at the above link. If you have a child who has a natural development of boundaries and autonomy, you might not understand the need to be active in the weaning process. But if you have a child who feels *less* secure with on demand nursing, who acts out without a firm, strict schedule, you might recognize your life in the above link.

 

Just in case you are worried, I nursed all my kids past the age mentioned in the OP.

[ChristusG]

DD is 3 (turned 3 in early March) and still nurses. Together, we have cut nursing down to about once a day. Occasionally it will be 2 or 3 times, but most days it is once. The once a day is usually at bedtime. I have no idea how to break that habit since it is how she falls asleep. So for the time being, I'm okay with it.

 

We began with limiting nursing to only at home. If she'd ask while we were out, I'd tell her that we only drink milk at home. If people were visiting, I'd tell her that we only drink milk when our family is the only one in the house. Eventually it got to where I could reason with her and let her know that she could nurse later, but not at that moment. So now we're at once a day. Bedtime. I dread the day when I want to wean her from that. It will be some looooong nights.

 

I couldn't continue with the 4 AM feeding. The middle of the night feedings were some of the first I tried to break. I'd let her drink for a few seconds and then I'd turn over. She'd grab at my back, cry for a few minutes, and then drift back to sleep. A week's worth of doing it that way helped with that. Thankfully, our 6 year old (who sleeps in our room) can sleep through anything.

[Mom-ninja.]

Joanne,

 

I don't see anything to bristle about in the article you linked. Both mom and child need to be happy in a nursing relationship. If one or both are not happy then *something* needs to change. The key is finding what that something is.

[nd293]

My son is the same age as yours, and like yours has no interest in weaning. If I could explain the concept to him, he'd just fall off his chair laughing at such a ridiculous notion.

 

I have stopped night feeds though. That was hard enough! I just said no. And I said it the next night, and the next, and the next, and ... for a couple of months (not kidding) before he stopped throwing an all-out nighttime fit. I just tell him Mommy's not awake yet. But sometimes at 4am I give in, or I have no chance of getting any further sleep...

 

Dd stopped nursing at 2.5yrs. The difference, I think, as that she had both a pacifier and a bottle that she drew comfort from, and I was able to encourage those over and above nursing so that demand decreased and supply dropped until she lost interest.

 

It's not going to work with ds whose blanket does not substitute in the same way.

 

I look forward to the responses.

[IsabelC]

My answer is not always popular with AP types.

I'm pretty sure that I would qualify as an "AP type" but that piece makes a lot of sense to me. If a child has special needs of whatever kind, why would these same needs not apply in all aspects of daily life?

 

Also, I prefer mutual weaning to child-led weaning. Most children, if breastfed on cue, will initiate weaning and be completely weaned somewhere between the ages of 2 and 7. But not 100% will. And not many women could continue for 7 years or longer without feeling completely over it. I would hesitate to fix a firm age limit, since every child is obviously an individual, but generally I view it as a continuum. Initially, the newborn's needs outweigh my wants: I will move heaven and earth and do whatever it takes to give my baby breastmilk. My baby is now almost 2, and while breastfeeding is still an important source of comfort and nutrition for her, I have started to gently discourage it in some circumstances. If she's still going at 3, I wouldn't hesitate to impose firm limits. I see nothing at all 'un-AP' about encouraging the weaning process along for an older nursling.

Edited July 7, 2010 by Hotdrink

[Closeacademy]

At 3 1/2 we were down to just the before bedtime feeding. We were too busy in the morning, she wasn't taking naps, and she didn't need it throughout the day and she slept through the night. But she liked that one before going to sleep.

 

What eventually happened was I told her that they were empty. All the milk was gone and that she had drank it all up. She seemed OK with that and went on like normal.

 

It was a good weaning and it happened at about 3 1/2 which is one of the windows of weaning opportunities from what I have read. You may want to check out some weaning books from the library or your local La Leche League. They were very helpful, encouraging, inspiring, and got us through the process in a postive way.

 

Hope it all goes well.:001_smile:

[Peela]

I weaned my son at night first, at age 2 and a half. Then I put him in with his sister to sleep . I just said no firmly and he accepted it after a bit. Hes a pretty demaning kid though and I did have to be firm.

 

I have never consciously weaned apart from that- mine tandem bfed till they were ages 3.5 and 5, at which time they had a discussion together and told me they were too big to breastfeed anymore, and they just gave up together, just like that!

[Alison in KY]

I think telling him/her that everything goes night night, even the boobies/nursies is a wonderful idea. I did this with all 3 of mine and they all accepted it after only a night or two. I'd just have to remind them when they got loud to shh, be quiet because boobies are sleeping.

 

For the other, well, if you really want to quit (no flames please) but child lead isn't happening, then something that worked for me was putting mustard on my breasts. My 3 + year old didn't like the taste. When she tried nursing and tasted it for the first time, I acted surprised and yet excited and told her the booboos must have decided that she was too old for nursing anymore, and that the milk wasn't good anymore. She never tried again because she was so turned off by the taste. We did always have a weaning party though...with a cake and a gift to show it was a special time that we were done with.

 

Sadly, if my hormones hadn't been so out of whack, I probably would have kept going for a little while, it was such a bittersweet moment.

 

Alison

[Hedgehogs4]

:eek: :confused: :w00t: :blink: :crying:

 

I could actually chose a whole slew of smilies to fit this topic. I have a 3 and a half year old and I would like to wean him. He, however, has NO interest in weaning. I am fine with that. I am still ready (but there is a small part that is worried I will damage him psychologically by weaning before he is ready....but at the same time I am done.)

 

 

Our most challenging times is 4 AM. The early morning is the hardest because I really just want to go back to sleep :o. Hubby is not interested in sleeping with him alone although I could prob talk him into it or beg if need be.

 

He still asks to nurse if I sit down but can be distracted and accepts no usually. Though sometimes he persists. FOr the most part , he is down to 1-2 times a day, at home only.

 

Sooo...any tips, advice, stories? How long does it take?

 

I assume it is obvious but just in case- I would prefer tips on how to wean, not judgments on how long we have been nursing. Thank you! I am embarrassed and worried what others think :blushing:

 

Thank you for any and all thoughts!

 

i night weaned my son when he was a toddler because he was so demanding. i told him he could sleep next to mommy but not nurse. it was a rough few nights, but we got through it. the thing that worked is that i would let him put his hand on my breast and fall back to sleep. after a little while he didn't need to do that anymore either, and he started sleeping through the night.

 

i expect you have A LOT of people who have allowed nursing to extend beyond two and even three. my own daughter didn't wean until she was a few months shy of four. no worries!

[mamato4girls]

With my youngest we weaned at 3 1/2 also, I did finally just have to say NO and distract her with other "fun" things. The before bedtime nursing was the last to go.

My oldest nursling is, well... older than yours. No judgement here. :001_smile:

 

At 3 1/2, he's old enough, IMO, to just be told 'no.' If you carefully read statements by LLLI, WHO, etc., they all say to continue as long as it's mutually okay. If you aren't okay with it any longer, then it's better to wean than to 'suffer through.'

 

I would suggest starting with the daytime nursings, because it's much easier to stick to your guns when you're fully awake. As exhausting as it sounds, don't sit down much around him for a few days. Plan a few special things for you & he to do together (just the two of you, if possible). He's also not too young to ask what it is he especially likes about nursing. If he gives you a coherent answer, you can use that to frame a 'substitute,' rather than relying on simple distraction.

 

Just a few thoughts - I hope something helps!

[Mommee & Baba]

For starters... WAY TO GO MOM!! :hurray:

 

My oldest took the weaning very hard. She cried and pleaded with me and threw down the sippy cup and grabbed at my shirt, lifted it up, tugged at my bra..you can imagine I'm sure the obstacles she was willing to overcome to get to mama milk. But I was pregnant with dd2 and my nursling at the time was only 16 months. I wish I didn't wean her so soon. Yes I said so soon. 16 months to me is TOO soon :001_smile:

 

My middler was the mama bewbie piglet! I mean she became aggressive and would throw tantrums if she didn't get the bewbie. So I had to take back my bewbs and control the situation. She was 3yrs old when we were completely done. But the battle from 2yrs old until a few months before we weaned was a struggle. She knew she could only have them at home when mama was home only. When my dh would come home she'd come up and ask and I'd say no dadda is home. Because my dh wasn't supportive of the extended nursing. Then as she would sneak into bed at night and sneak some nursing time, I caught her of course and she would be told No dadda home. Finally she stopped asking when he was home and then one day I said no more mama milk and distracted her with other things. Boy was it alot of work and boy was I on my toes alot but I refused to let her scream and cry about it, instead I'd comfort her and cuddle her and allow her to cry with me..it was a big time for the both of us.

 

I am now nursing my 16m old son whom seems very much like my middler about mama milk. So I'm in for a battle of the bewbs I fear. But with the right tools and technique I think I can have my handle on it this time around. Oh and my dh is now supportive since he realizes its not "wrong".

 

I did have to wear a sports bra & turtleneck during the weaning process! :lol:

 

All in all..talk to your child. Set boundaries and stick to them :)

[naturegirl7]

YAY for nursing so long mama!!

 

As far as weaning, we did the child led weaning here and he cut back on everything except the night nursing - for DS that was really really hard to let go of. Alot of our friends were able to night wean and still nurse during the day for a year or more. It really depends upon your kiddo and why they are nursing.

 

Figure out which nursing is the most important to him - personally that is what I would leave and start cutting back on the others. For us, day time was easy to cut - he was so active and distracted that he didn't miss it. We got down to nap time and bedtime/at night when I came in from work and in the am. Then cut out the am, just snuggles and getting him involved in making breakfast with me while eating some fruit. Then he cut out his own naps. Bedtime was the hardest for us. I did tell him as he got bigger that he was getting so big and strong and healthy that he wasn't going to need mama milk as much, and that I would make less and eventually none at all once he didn't need it anymore.

 

But the majority of my friends have cut out the night nursing first with great success. they nurse at bedtime and then "the kitchen is closed" for the night. They tell their kiddos that they can only nurse again when the sun comes up. You are making more milk during the night, he is bigger now so it takes longer to make milk, whatever works and he seems to be okay with. In the night, snuggle him close and tell him you don't have enough to nurse him, he can nurse when the sun comes out. Replace the nursing with extra hugs and snuggles. Give it atleast a week or two. And be prepared for some tears if he is not fully ready for it. Once he is not nursing the night at all for a while, then you can cut out all the day time nursings. And finally the bedtime one.

 

Start a really good bedtime routine now, like snuggling to read a book and then nursing. Or nursing and then reading a book. Something that can replace the snuggle time and soothing relaxation of bedtime nursing.

 

GL mama! :grouphug:

Weaning is hard, but follow your gut and it won't be the traumatic event that you fear. And be PROUD that you gave him this wonderful gift for so long!! :D

[gpsings]

My dh made it clear that my son would not be nursing once he was 3 so he nursed for the last time at midnight of his 3rd birthday. He probably wasn't ready, but we had a discussion about it, and he knew he was not going to have it anymore. :( He asked for it after that from time to time, but he was ok with a no, and he doesn't seem damaged. I know the sadness about it, though. I probably would have continued if my husband weren't so adamant about it.

[nmoira]

My eldest weaned at 4.5 (her choice, she preferred reading) and my younger was cut off the day she turned 5. :tongue_smilie: However, from the time they were 2 and up, the bar was closed for the night. This was non-negotiable, barring illness.

 

DD the Younger was very sad for about a month afterwards, even though she'd only been nursing once or twice a day. However, because she weaned so late (relatively speaking), she still remembers nursing and will often speak of it fondly.

[babysparkler]

However, from the time they were 2 and up, the bar was closed for the night. This was non-negotiable, barring illness.

 

 

 

This is what I do as well. First thing in the morning, though, he comes to me and ask ever so politely for his "la-la" :)

[kwg]

Thank you so much!:D I am taking in all that you all have said.

 

It has made me giggle all the talk of night weaning. I thought he was night weaned...lol. Waking up at 4 is a heck of a lot better than what he was doing!!! This morning though he slept until 6. I think I need to set the limit of not in the bed. If we get up, he gets involved and busy. That may help some anyway. He does not nurse to sleep anymore so that is good- really it is just if I sit or lay down :lol: .

 

I bought Maggie's Weaning yesterday.

 

Thank you!! It has been helpful to read everyone's experiences and thoughts!