How do you motivate your children?

[gingersmom]

I'm not really enjoying this summer.

 

I have a 10 and 13 year old and if I am not telling them what to do they would sit in front of the television and computer all summer. That is after they managed to roll out of bed around 9-10am.

 

I'm not used to having a pre-teen and teenager.

 

Then I read this article in the NY Times this morning about this child (I think 10-11) who has earned $750 so far being a pet sitter.

 

My daughter once upon a time (a loooong time ago) offered to make scrapbooks for various family members for $$$$. They all agreed. They are still waiting for the scrapbooks.

 

She also was making cards for soldiers (http://www.operationwritehome.org). After about 30 cards (that are now collecting dust) she stopped.

 

My son is content to hang out at the town pool and go down the water slide 500 times/day.

 

How do you motivate your kids? How do I create that kid who wants to go out and earn $$$?

 

Unfortunately their are no volunteer activities for younger kids in my area. I have searched extensively.

 

I'm looking forward to September.

[lllll]

..

[Chris in VA]

Economic necessity is a big motivator here.

 

But I believe summer is time for the things you say they are doing. They are kids. Why should they have to earn money now? Why can't they just be?

[Mejane]

Well, you could tell them that if they can't find something constructive to do for at least part of the day (I think everyone needs time off), they could start school early. That might motivate them. ;)

[spradlin02]

I have a 10 and 13 year old and if I am not telling them what to do they would sit in front of the television and computer all summer. That is after they managed to roll out of bed around 9-10am.

 

 

Sorry but this one always confounds me. Get rid of the TV. Set limits on the computer. How are they getting to the pool? If you drive, quit driving them. Quit buying the crap, make them pay rent, make them pay you to do laundry. I could go on.

 

I agree, teens should be working, or at least productive.

[Parrothead]

Do you want them to have jobs or do you want them to have some kind of structure? If you want structure you will have to provide it. Get them to bed at a decent hour. Get them out of bed at a decent hour. Cow bells or bugles work great.

 

If you do not want them on the computer, in front of the TV or swimming all day, provide an alternative. The grass needs cut, the house needs pressure washed, the garden needs weeding, the dog needs bathed, closets need cleaning out, truck needs detailed, porch needs paint.

 

I can not imagine my 10-year old with a job. I can not imagine why I would want her to have one. But where we live winters are harsh so summer is the time for play.

[Karen in CO]

I have a 10 and 13 year old and if I am not telling them what to do they would sit in front of the television and computer all summer. That is after they managed to roll out of bed around 9-10am.

 

I'm not used to having a pre-teen and teenager.

 

Turn it off. Really. Turn it off or limit it so that X has to be done before they get X amount of time. If it is there an available all day that is what they choose. It is amazong how creative kids can be when they get bored. btw - don't give in when they get bored and whiney be ready with chores for whiney kids - like organing the garage and washing the cars.

 

I don't think you can make them want something but you can limit their choices.

[Ellie]

It's summer. It's a child's job to vegetate in front of the TV. :)

 

OTOH, if it bugs you, turn off the TV and the computer. When children have nothing else to do they will *find* something to do. Boredom itself is a great motivator.

[spradlin02]

It's summer. It's a child's job to vegetate in front of the TV.

 

Heck no, it's time for the almost adult to get his lazy a$$ off the couch and do something productive. He doesn't have to work to be productive.

[Parrothead]

Heck no, it's time for the almost adult to get his lazy a$$ off the couch and do something productive. He doesn't have to work to be productive.

Really?

 

I wouldn't call a child of 10 or even the 13-year old almost adults in our culture.

[spradlin02]

Really?

 

I wouldn't call a child of 10 or even the 13-year old almost adults in our culture.

 

Right, but they can have babies. And in my book, anybody that can have a baby should be considered very close to that classification. I agree that a 13yo old is not considered a young adult in our culture. I guess that's where I think our culture wrong, and a major factor in homeschooling my kids.

Edited July 1, 2010 by spradlin02

[Parrothead]

Right, but they can have babies. And in my book, anybody that can have a baby should be considered very close to that classification. I agree that a 13yo old is not considered a young adult in our culture. I guess that's where I think our culture wrong, and a major factor in homeschooling my kids.

The bolded I tend to agree with. The rest not so much. I don't think just because physical maturity has been reached, they should be classified adults.

 

What happens wth the child going through precocious puberty? The menstruating 7-year old may be able to have a baby, but she is no where near adulthood.

 

I think reaching adulthood has more to do with cognitive maturity than physical. But there one has the not adults until 21 thing going on which in turn leads to the prolonged childhood we have in our culture.

 

In other words I don't have the answer. But I'm willing to bet it is somewhere in between both extremes.

[Garga]

I have a 10 and 13 year old and if I am not telling them what to do they would sit in front of the television and computer all summer. That is after they managed to roll out of bed around 9-10am.

 

Then I read this article in the NY Times this morning about this child (I think 10-11) who has earned $750 so far being a pet sitter.

 

My daughter once upon a time (a loooong time ago) offered to make scrapbooks for various family members for $$$$. They all agreed. They are still waiting for the scrapbooks.

 

She also was making cards for soldiers (www.operationwritehome.org). After about 30 cards (that are now collecting dust) she stopped.

 

How do you motivate your kids? How do I create that kid who wants to go out and earn $$$?

 

 

So, the scrapbooking and the card making turned out not to be for her. I can totally see myself starting projects like that and then realizing they're not my cup of tea. I've tried so many craft-type things over the years and have finally learned to admit that I don't like doing crafts of any sort. There's nothing wrong with her having good intentions, starting the projects, and then learning a truth about herself: she doesn't like scrapbooking or card making!

 

Since the vast majority of us aren't business owners, then I'm thinking the vast majority of us aren't likely to just up and start a business (like the pet-sitting girl you read about.) I know that I wouldn't really want to start up a business and I'm 37. I can see how a 10 or 13 year old would be totally overwhelmed at the idea. I only know (personally) one family who owns their own business and they didn't start the business until they were in their 30s.

 

Ok--now that I feel like I've knocked you down (not meaning to), I think you just need to resign yourself to helping them with structure. They're still too young to have the kind of gumption where they come up with clever things to do on their own. You're going to have to teach them how, deliberately.

 

For example, I hate crafts, but I love writing...once I get into it. Once I force myself to start writing, I get in that zone and LOVE it. Cast about and try to figure out what your kids love and then get the ball rolling. (Scrapbooking and card making are out. Maybe cooking is in? But they won't just pop into the kitchen and make a pot roast. You may need to get the ball rolling with checking out a cookbook from the library and you guys planning, shopping for, and cooking some of the meals together.)

 

For the 13 year old, this is the time to start with some real responsibility. Time to apprentice your child into the harder tasks about the home. And you can't just say, "Dear, go power wash the house." You have to apprentice them. You have to teach them. This is very time consuming and they'll probably have a snaky attitude at first, but just keep plugging away at it with good cheer. Start giving them sole responsibility for real, valuable chores, like laundry or preparing lunch for everyone. Sole responsibility.

 

It'll take about a decade, but then they'll be grateful that they know how to do this stuff when they have homes of their own.

 

And certainly set aside time for fun!!! Lots and lots of it!!!

[mom4him]

But I believe summer is time for the things you say they are doing. They are kids. Why should they have to earn money now? Why can't they just be?

:iagree:This is where I am at. My dc aren't as old as your oldest but I want them to be kids. They have daily chores and a min. amount of school but then their day is spent riding bike, playing in the pool and watching a movie while I rest.

[cougarmom4]

I can relate to feeling frustrated with kids who just want to sit and watch tv or play computer. I just decided we are going electronic-free for a few weeks until the kids figure out how to occupy themselves without gadgets...lots of grumbling, but that's okay, I can handle it.

 

Dd11 seriously doesn't know what to do with herself if she is not playing with a friend or using an electronic device. It drives me batty...I just don't get it! I've tried providing lots of ideas & making sure we have some fun, new, exciting things to do...but she after a few minutes of it, she is begging for a friend to come over or to watch a show or play the computer. My goodness, what have I done that this girl doesn't know how to just 'BE'!

 

One thing that I have started this summer that I thought I'd mention is a Bingo chart--I wrote in lots of different ideas of productive, fun, educational, or necessary things for them to do. For example: Memorize a poem, build a fort in the backyard, play w/little sister for 30 minutes, read a specific book, weed in the garden, learn a song on the piano, do an art project, ride your bike for a mile, etc. As they cross things off there are different rewards--1st bingo might be a candy bar; four corners is a family movie night; blackout is a family trip to mini-golf.

 

As for encouraging them to earn money and/or be productive--it is a motivator for my kids--we don't do allowance, they have required chores and then I always have chores available that they can do to earn money. If they want to buy something or go somewhere, they have to pay for it and so they have to work for it.

 

Hope you find some ideas to help!

[Ester Maria]

Sorry but this one always confounds me. Get rid of the TV. Set limits on the computer. How are they getting to the pool? If you drive, quit driving them. Quit buying the crap, make them pay rent, make them pay you to do laundry. I could go on.

I agree with setting time limits on the screen time, and even with quitting to drive them to their activities if there's an alternative way they can get there (walking, public transport, etc.) so you don't have to be bothered accommodating them, especially if older children.

 

I disagree with financially/emotionally blackmailing your children, especially if minors and schooled, with the "pay the rent for living here" kind of things.

[spradlin02]

The bolded I tend to agree with. The rest not so much. I don't think just because physical maturity has been reached, they should be classified adults.

 

But I think that's exactly where modern industrialized countries have erred. I think there should be a connection between the two; that we place greater expectations on the young adult.

 

I take my cue from agrarian and more traditionally primitive cultures. I certainly understand that it's more necessity in these communities, but I'm also pretty certain in my belief that we limit growth by not empowering, accepting and mentoring them into adulthood at this absolutely critical juncture in their growth. They are taught to not only be responsible to themselves, but quite as importantly, to their community.

 

My goodness, we live in a civilization where a great majority of people waste - yes, waste - their most audacious, intrepid and productive years figuring out what they want to do. Our culture places very few expectations on "teenagers", it tells them they don't have the capacity to make decisions and I'm dead certain the high school system makes no effort to mentor these people into adulthood.

 

So what happens? At 17 or 18 we send them off to college (or not) with no or very few skills they will need, and tell them to figure it out. Additionally, the messages they've received almost their entire lives are that they be responsible only to themselves. Magnified by the rationalization that a college degree is to earn more money and then intensified by the fact that they have to earn more money to pay loans, we raise armies who chase the dollar, who are less than passionate about their work, and thus perpetuate our narcissistically consumptive society.

 

I dropped out of college at 21, moved out west and became one heck of a skier. I was a lowly line cook by night, but man could I rip up a mountain (think King Kong). I say that not to boast and beat my chest (those days are mostly over), but to pose the idea of what I could have done with that intensity had I been given at an earlier age the skills necessary to channel it into something productive. What can I give to my kids if I accept them as adults at an earlier age? What can they give back to their community?

 

I give this as an example only because I'm quite certain it's a common story in our culture. If it's not my story, then it's someone working in a job to pay loans or it's avarice or it's they just don't know what it is they want to do.

 

I'm beginning to believe kids have a general instinctive knowledge what they want to do in life. They know what they like and what they're good at. I'm also beginning to believe we spend the first fifteen years of their lives confusing them.

 

Whew. :tongue_smilie:

[spradlin02]

I disagree with financially/emotionally blackmailing your children, especially if minors and schooled, with the "pay the rent for living here" kind of things.

 

Yeah, me too. I was just blabbering. :001_smile:

[skimerinkydo]

My children are ages 7, 12, 12 and 13.

 

My goal this summer is to have them learn to do their work without distraction. (These children tend to take FOREVER to do their chores.) We will do work in the mornings and have our afternoons for play/freetime. If I find one off them "playing" before their work is done, they forfeit that entertainment for the rest of the day (it could be computer, piano, a book, whatever.) I am also having them set a goal each week of something they want to learn or accomplish. They are all in boy or girl scouts and have badges they can be working on.

 

They have assigned chores that rotate weekly: dishes, floors, bathrooms, or table/trash/wash towels. I also have them on "teams" to help cook the meals. The children assigned to the dishes and floors chores are responsible for breakfast and lunch and the children assigned to bathrooms and table chores are responsible for dinner. I of course help them with the cooking, but I have set up a simple menu plan and by the end of the summer they should all be proficient at cooking a few meals without my help. The meal "teams" came about from necessity since I just had a stroke 4 weeks ago. Several of then had been begging me to learn how to cook anyway so they were glad to get to learn.

 

I just set up a schedule...

 

1. get up, eat breakfast, read scriptures/clean-up.

 

2. We set a timer and all go out and weed the garden for 10 minutes.

 

3. Do chores and start laundry. (the oldest 3 have been doing their own laundry for some time now and each are assigned a day.)

 

4. Schoolwork- key to books, life of fred or learning multiplication, depending on the child. Something very short.

 

5. a few children have swim lesssons

 

6. Lunch and story time... we read a book aloud together for 30 minutes

 

7. Freetime for those who have their work done.

 

8. 4:00 dinner team starts dinner.

[MotherGoose]

When I whined, "I'm bored," to my mom, she'd say, okay, here's something for you to do, and would assign me a chore. I quickly learned to find something to do on my own instead of whining about it.

[Parrothead]

But I think that's exactly where modern industrialized countries have erred. I think there should be a connection between the two; that we place greater expectations on the young adult.

I agree with you there. A quick comparison of teens now and teens even 50 years ago is eye-opening. I often hear parents of teens say that they do not want their children to hold down a part time job because that takes away from school, sports or extra curriculars.

 

I think it is a shame. Do you know that I have not in the 6 years we have lived in areas that it snows I've never had a kid come to the door and ask for work shoveling snow for pay? I've never as an adult had a kid come to the door and ask to cut the grass for pay.

 

I still think 13 is a bit young, but I haven't been around many 13-year olds recently. My ideal of the maturity of one may be off.

I take my cue from agrarian and more traditionally primitive cultures. I certainly understand that it's more necessity in these communities, but I'm also pretty certain in my belief that we limit growth by not empowering, accepting and mentoring them into adulthood at this absolutely critical juncture in their growth. They are taught to not only be responsible to themselves, but quite as importantly, to their community.

This! I so wish this were the case. It used to be the norm instead of the exception it is today.

My goodness, we live in a civilization where a great majority of people waste - yes, waste - their most audacious, intrepid and productive years figuring out what they want to do. Our culture places very few expectations on "teenagers", it tells them they don't have the capacity to make decisions and I'm dead certain the high school system makes no effort to mentor these people into adulthood.

Yup.

 

So what happens? At 17 or 18 we send them off to college (or not) with no or very few skills they will need, and tell them to figure it out. Additionally, the messages they've received almost their entire lives are that they be responsible only to themselves. Magnified by the rationalization that a college degree is to earn more money and then intensified by the fact that they have to earn more money to pay loans, we raise armies who chase the dollar, who are less than passionate about their work, and thus perpetuate our narcissistically consumptive society.

At my age I could almost watch it happen. I think the beginning was a bit before my time, but the last 25 years have been pretty bad.

 

I dropped out of college at 21, moved out west and became one heck of a skier. I was a lowly line cook by night, but man could I rip up a mountain (think King Kong). I say that not to boast and beat my chest (those days are mostly over), but to pose the idea of what I could have done with that intensity had I been given at an earlier age the skills necessary to channel it into something productive. What can I give to my kids if I accept them as adults at an earlier age? What can they give back to their community?

I suppose where we differ is in what we see as an adult. I do not believe in 3 years my dd will be ready to make adult decisions simply because she has turned 13. That may be because I've let her childhood be as idyllic as possible. At 10 she still plays with dolls. I'd rather let her put them away when she is ready instead of taking them from her and saying "grow up."

 

I do not think that one has to wait until one is an adult to give back to one's community. Kids can do many things from picking up trash to helping in one's local food pantry or soup kitchen. I think these are two separate issues.

I give this as an example only because I'm quite certain it's a common story in our culture. If it's not my story, then it's someone working in a job to pay loans or it's avarice or it's they just don't know what it is they want to do.

:D I'm 43 and I don't know what I want to do. All kidding aside, I do know what you mean. Are people still taught to set goals for themselves?

I'm beginning to believe kids have a general instinctive knowledge what they want to do in life. They know what they like and what they're good at. I'm also beginning to believe we spend the first fifteen years of their lives confusing them.

 

Whew. :tongue_smilie:

This may be the cause of all parent/teen frustration. The answer to the problems of the generation gap. Parents start to like their kids after the tumultuous years of 14-19.

[Barry Goldwater]

but...are you and spouse "modeling" the behavior that you desire in your kids?

 

also, have you exposed them to different constructive pursuits to spend their free time on? Or are you relying on the school system to do that? Couldn't tell from OP if you have them in PS or at home...

 

Oh, okay...flame me if you want...

[spradlin02]

I suppose where we differ is in what we see as an adult. I do not believe in 3 years my dd will be ready to make adult decisions simply because she has turned 13.

No, agreed. But I want to make an effort to begin mentoring my kids before their pubescent years and continue after. Yeah, no, I too don't believe it's "ok, you're 14, make decisions". The most difficult part I see is the community aspect. I'm concerned about finding a community of like-minded families that want to do the same and carry the rituals with them.

I do not think that one has to wait until one is an adult to give back to one's community. Kids can do many things from picking up trash to helping in one's local food pantry or soup kitchen. I think these are two separate issues.

Absolutely, we haven't been good with that yet, but have been laying the foundations and will make more effort when I homeschool in the fall.

 

:D I'm 43 and I don't know what I want to do. All kidding aside, I do know what you mean.

I'm glad I know I want to homeschool my kids and spend the next 15 years with them. Otherwise, I have no idea either.

[Parrothead]

No, agreed. But I want to make an effort to begin mentoring my kids before their pubescent years and continue after. Yeah, no, I too don't believe it's "ok, you're 14, make decisions". The most difficult part I see is the community aspect. I'm concerned about finding a community of like-minded families that want to do the same and carry the rituals with them.

Okay, then it was a lot of misunderstanding. I totally agree with all this. I really thought you were coming from an "okay, you're 14 make decisions," POV and did not understand.

 

Absolutely, we haven't been good with that yet, but have been laying the foundations and will make more effort when I homeschool in the fall.

I haven't found our niche yet. We've been in this town less than a year

Once we do dd and I will probably start out volunteering together.

 

I'm glad I know I want to homeschool my kids and spend the next 15 years with them. Otherwise, I have no idea either.

;) My goal right now is to get dd through high school, then go to work for 4 years to get her through college as debt free as possible. After that I'm open to suggestions.

[spradlin02]

Okay, then it was a lot of misunderstanding. I totally agree with all this. I really thought you were coming from an "okay, you're 14 make decisions," POV and did not understand.

 

Yeah sorry, I can come off cut and dry, but there's sometimes a lot of uncommunicated nuance to a statement. It drives my wife crazy at times.

[MBM]

I'm not really enjoying this summer.

 

I have a 10 and 13 year old and if I am not telling them what to do they would sit in front of the television and computer all summer. That is after they managed to roll out of bed around 9-10am.

 

I'm not used to having a pre-teen and teenager.

 

Then I read this article in the NY Times this morning about this child (I think 10-11) who has earned $750 so far being a pet sitter.

 

My daughter once upon a time (a loooong time ago) offered to make scrapbooks for various family members for $$$$. They all agreed. They are still waiting for the scrapbooks.

 

She also was making cards for soldiers (http://www.operationwritehome.org). After about 30 cards (that are now collecting dust) she stopped.

 

My son is content to hang out at the town pool and go down the water slide 500 times/day.

 

How do you motivate your kids? How do I create that kid who wants to go out and earn $$$?

 

Unfortunately their are no volunteer activities for younger kids in my area. I have searched extensively.

 

I'm looking forward to September.

 

I find that a simple, flexible schedule helps us stay on track.

 

Are you asking about motivating your children to be more responsible? If so, I'd suggest using chores. My son and I devote 30" to a chore in the morning, working simultaneously. I also make lunch, and my son, who is 13 like your child, dries and puts the dishes away. Later, the whole family helps with laundry and does a two-minute tidy in the evening. You might have to oversee your children as they learn new chores, but eventually they'll be able to do them on their own. (Their future spouses might thank you, too!)

 

In our house, I generally do not allow TV or computer play time until late afternoon, the exception being The Dr. Oz show which I think is worth watching.

 

As for free time, I try to supply what my son needs to develop his interests which could some day figure prominently in his livelihood. I also let him do what he wants, but it can't be TV or computer time. Pool sliding would be acceptable if everything else was done. ;)

 

If your daughter has finished 30 cards already, could she just send them off at this point? What a nice gesture, btw. She sounds like a real sweetie. The scrapbooking projects might be too much for her now. She's still young.

 

Last and most important of all, find fun things for all of you to do -- you especially, so you don't burn out. Plan them out. Summer should involve some fun, too.

Edited July 1, 2010 by MBM

[CamperMom]

Some thoughts in no particular order:

 

Everyone needs a sense of purpose and of how much we are needed to keep up our house. The children need to know their work is important.

 

Sleep, rest and exercise are good for us.

 

T.V. is full of advertisements that selfishly promote a life of consumption of goods which we don't necessarily need. Entertainment is good, but it shouldn't be all life is about.

 

Have the children made comments at any time about anything they feel is wrong in their community or world that needs fixing or improving? Help them to do something now to right the wrongs they see. They are old enough to make a difference in the world if they feel strongly about something.

 

If you get a chance, check out David Albert's books, articles, lectures.