Well, it finally happened

[cdrumm4448]

I posted recently about DH's Grandma who keeps making anti-homeschooling remarks to me in front of dc which are somewhat innocuous. Today, she spilled her guts totally(again in front of dc). A friend of the family innocently asked ds where he attends school. I told her he is currently educated at home. Gave her the short story why, and Grandma jumped into the conversation with gems such as,"He'll never remember that stuff!" (Latin and Ancient History) as well as,"Not all Catholic schools are like that!" implying that I should have shopped around for another school for him instead of homeschooling him. There were other remarks, and I kept my mouth shut and exited the room as quickly as I could.

 

I'm not generally easily upset or a cryer, but I had tears in my eyes. I understand homeschooling is different. I get it. It's hard for some people to accept. She has made her position excrutiatingly clear on several occasions. But enough is enough. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and say."Oh, thank you! I see the error of my ways now. He's going back to school whether he likes it or not!"

 

This from a woman (albeit very sweet and good to me generally) who's 2 out of 3 children did not graduate high school. She's fit to give me advice on educating my children? She says all the time ds is brilliant. So what makes her think the education from his Catholic school would ever be enough for him.?

 

Rant over. Thanks for listening.

[TN Mama]

:grouphug: I'm sorry. It's unfortunate she doesn't have the good sense to keep her mouth closed re: your decision to hs.

[chiguirre]

Since this is your dh's grandmother, I'm guessing she's quite old. As much as she upsets you, try to brush it off. She may be losing her sense of other people's reactions to what she's saying. I'd just explain to your kids that hsing was unheard of back in great-grandma's day (along with the internet, cell phones, dvds, etc) and that she doesn't really understand that this is not a weird, flaky option in today's world. To be honest, if this is the weirdest opinion she voices in front of your kids, count yourself lucky!

[Impish]

:grouphug:

[MelanieM]

:grouphug: You know, maybe the reason she's so quick to jump on you is because of how she feels about the education her own children received. Maybe in her mind she sees you taking control and is using that to beat herself up a little over not doing something differently with her own children. People often thing doing something differently than they did it is the same as saying they did something wrong, and even though that's not the case, those types of feelings can run deep and cause inappropriate outward behaviour.

 

Wishing you and Grandma some peace.

[cdrumm4448]

Thank you for the kind replies. She is old. She will be 90 in February. And in the 18 years I have known her she has never acted this way toward me. I have issues with my own Grandma, so my dh's Grandma has kind of filled the gap for me the last 10 years. I guess that's why it hurt my feelings so much. It also felt like she was implying I'm a bad parent.

 

I firmly believe in respecting my elders so I will not aproach her about this. I actually don't ever want to talk to her about it ever again. My SIL keeps telling me I need to nip it in the bud, but I can't see anything good coming from that. She won't change her mind now, if she hasn't yet.

 

I'm just a little jumpy about it since I'm spending the next 2 days with her, all day long.

[Barry Goldwater]

Feeling your pain..BTDT...trust me, when your kids are older you will see the fruit of your labor now (you probably already are!). Pray that Grandma gets opportunity to see it too and give you proper support...took my Mom a looong time to come around, but now she's there, PTL.

 

I try to give "the elderly" a pass on their "strong" opinions. It's an opportunity to practice grace! I'll bet she means no harm...

[dirty ethel rackham]

I firmly believe in respecting my elders so I will not aproach her about this. I actually don't ever want to talk to her about it ever again. My SIL keeps telling me I need to nip it in the bud, but I can't see anything good coming from that. She won't change her mind now, if she hasn't yet.

 

I'm just a little jumpy about it since I'm spending the next 2 days with her, all day long.

 

I guess I'm in your sister's camp. If you were there for just a couple of hours and could leave, then I would just say "Let it go." But since you are staying with her, I would have a conversation with her. Tell her that you were hurt by her remarks ( you researched your options carefully and are confident in your decision - which is YOUR decision to make) and that, since she said all of this in front of the children, that she interfered with your parental authority. Tell her that you love her, but that you can not discuss this if she cannot respect your choice.

[KnitWit]

I think there are some people who just will NEVER get it.

 

My in-laws were just here for my eldest dd's high school graduation and senior piano recital. My dd is a *poster child* for a *successful homeschool*...although *I* don't take all the credit, she is a self-motivated, hungry learner and that has driven her. She is a National Merit Finalist, was Salutatorian out of her class of 102 local homeschoolers, graduated with an earned 4.0 GPA, earned very nice merit and music based scholarship $$ to her school of choice, did a FABULOUS job on her recital...yada, yada, yada.

 

AND YET...In-laws asked more than once if we were *sure* there was no public school good enough to enroll the rest of the kids in. WHAT??

 

It was weird. And it's not like my kids are not *socialized*...her senior recital was a PACKED HOUSE on a hot Saturday on Memorial Day weekend...some family, but mostly her FRIENDS that came down to support her.

 

I decided right then and there I didn't give a FLIP about their opinions ANYMORE. Not that I *really* did before.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is...do what you do for YOU and for YOUR KIDS because there are some people that you are NEVER going to convince. They will just never see it. Just shake the dust off your shoes and walk on my friend!

[lionfamily1999]

She's old and set in her ways. If anything, I'd explain this to your dc so that they understand. From here on out, her opinion would mean absolutely nothing to me (where education was concerned), but that wouldn't keep me from smiling and nodding.

 

Smiling and nodding can take you far. :D

[MelanieM]

I think it's important to remember that we get to choose our reactions. It's your choice to believe she's implying you are a bad parent. You could also choose to believe that she's simply misinformed, speaking to you from her own self-doubts, just a tad batty in her old age, etc. There are lots of ways you can view this, and I say choose the belief that makes you feel better and leave it at that.

 

I would not talk to her about it, as it sounds like the only good that will do is help you get it off your chest. In my experience, getting something off your chest with the person you are taking issue with feels good in the moment, but creates more problems in the long run. Instead, I would focus on what I would need to do to not be bothered by her, or anyone else's, opinion, and not worry too much about trying to change what others think of me.

 

It's times like this that I use my favourite Wayne Dyer quote: "What other people think of me is none of my business."

[KnitWit]

 

It's times like this that I use my favourite Wayne Dyer quote: "What other people think of me is none of my business."

 

L.O.V.E. this!!!

[AuntieM]

I suspect she's of such strong opinion because she deep down has a sense of failure over the education of her own children. She loves her little great- grands and doesn't want to see failure repeated. Couple that fear of failure with fear of the unknown/ unfamiliar (home schooling), and she is acting out.

 

I understand this is difficult for you, but try to show her some grace. If the circumstances are right and you feel so led, talk to her about it gently at a time when there is no conflict. If she doesn't understand that you made and are committed to the best choice for YOUR children, let her know you consider the subject one that you will no longer discuss. When she brings it up, walk away with a smile. She does deserve respect as an elder, but she is also an adult capable of adult conversations about important topics and you should not be afraid of engaging in an honest, gentle conversation about your role as parent.

 

FWIW, had I been a third party to the rant you described, you are not the one I would've walked away thinking less of...

[Guest janainaz]

Ugh. I know how hard it is to receive the attitude of anti-homeschoolers. It's just very invasive and impossible to explain to anyone who just doesn't get our reasons why we do it. It's very frustrating and emotionally and mentally exhausting to explain away the reasoning behind it.

 

Why I homeschool is the conversation I avoid like the plague - especially when it comes to those whose minds are already made up about it. I really just want to say, "It's none of your business and none of your concern."

The negative input and opinions are really quite rude and unloving.

[Kathleen in VA]

I think there are some people who just will NEVER get it.

 

My in-laws were just here for my eldest dd's high school graduation and senior piano recital. My dd is a *poster child* for a *successful homeschool*...although *I* don't take all the credit, she is a self-motivated, hungry learner and that has driven her. She is a National Merit Finalist, was Salutatorian out of her class of 102 local homeschoolers, graduated with an earned 4.0 GPA, earned very nice merit and music based scholarship $$ to her school of choice, did a FABULOUS job on her recital...yada, yada, yada.

 

AND YET...In-laws asked more than once if we were *sure* there was no public school good enough to enroll the rest of the kids in. WHAT??

 

It was weird. And it's not like my kids are not *socialized*...her senior recital was a PACKED HOUSE on a hot Saturday on Memorial Day weekend...some family, but mostly her FRIENDS that came down to support her.

 

I decided right then and there I didn't give a FLIP about their opinions ANYMORE. Not that I *really* did before.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is...do what you do for YOU and for YOUR KIDS because there are some people that you are NEVER going to convince. They will just never see it. Just shake the dust off your shoes and walk on my friend!

 

Just wanted to say congratulations on your daughter's accomplishments. She sounds delightful and I wish her all the best as she pursues her college education.:)

 

She's old and set in her ways. If anything, I'd explain this to your dc so that they understand. From here on out, her opinion would mean absolutely nothing to me (where education was concerned), but that wouldn't keep me from smiling and nodding.

 

Smiling and nodding can take you far. :D

 

:iagree:It can be disheartening to be around someone who always has something negative to say about your hs'ing choice (or any choice for that matter), but since she is 90yo I would do what Julie said, just nod and smile. I might even go so far as reply to her comments with something like, "Oh, grandma, I love you. Everything will be all right." Follow that with a hug and a smile and then proceed as normal.

 

From her perspective, she truly is worried that you are making a big mistake. She is from a different era when hs'ing was unheard of and it is hard for her to wrap her mind around it. It seems that her motivation is love for you and your children - she is genuinely concerned. Since she is probably not ever going to come around, accept her comments as just that - loving concern - and then ignore them.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think it's important to remember that we get to choose our reactions. It's your choice to believe she's implying you are a bad parent. You could also choose to believe that she's simply misinformed, speaking to you from her own self-doubts, just a tad batty in her old age, etc. There are lots of ways you can view this, and I say choose the belief that makes you feel better and leave it at that.

 

I would not talk to her about it, as it sounds like the only good that will do is help you get it off your chest. In my experience, getting something off your chest with the person you are taking issue with feels good in the moment, but creates more problems in the long run. Instead, I would focus on what I would need to do to not be bothered by her, or anyone else's, opinion, and not worry too much about trying to change what others think of me.

 

It's times like this that I use my favourite Wayne Dyer quote: "What other people think of me is none of my business."

 

Very well said.

[mom2denj]

Your child, your decision. The end!

 

I just wouldn't discuss the issue around her at all anymore. Maybe pull the other person to the side. You could try to have a talk with her alone. Explain that this is the decision that you have made for your family, and that you will not be changing your mind.

 

Sorry that you have to deal with this!!:grouphug:

[GoVanGogh]

I just spent a week w/my father. Since we started homeschooling four years ago, he has made several small comments about "not being worried about the academics, but about the socialization." In the past, I have just brushed it off...

But this time I decided to ask him, point blank, exactly WHY he was worried about socialization. He said, "Well, I don't know that your son is around other children all that much." (We live half way across the country from each other, so he doesn't see/know about our daily life.)

In my most polite and calm voice, I said, "I do realize that the homeschool environment varies from one area to another, but our local homeschool support group has over 700 member families. We attend field trips and weekly park days. DS takes science, art and music classes outside of the home. There were over 120 children at the Christmas party last year and we knew each and every child. More importantly, all of those children got along together! DS is constantly thrown into different social mixes and we don't always know going in to an event if we will know anyone or not. He has had to learn to adapt and make friends everywhere he goes."

My dad then asked me a few questions and we ended up having a good conversation about 'socialization.'

Here I had been 'passing the bean dip' all this time - but taking a direct, head-on (but polite) approach was what was needed.