Tips for raising an only child

[OrganicAnn]

I never expected I'd have an only child, but life is what it is. My preconceptions of an only child were that they could be a little bratty, used to having all the attention, and picky eaters. This is from only children I've known over the years (probably a sample of 6 or 7 so obviously could be skewed).

 

We've tried to avoid these pitfalls, but it is difficult. My DD 6.0 is not a picky eater, so we've accomplished that at least.

 

I attended a talk for parents where the topic was how to raise kids so that they don't feel entitled. The speaker suggested not to make your children the center of the universe. In the question and answer session, I asked how to do that with an only child. He had some suggestions, but I really need more. I think our problem is that my DH and I take turns being with my DD. So while she is with one of us, she is often the focus of that parent.

 

Anyway does anyone have suggestions, not just on 'don't make your child the center of the universe' idea.

 

Any ideas for avoiding the only child syndrome, please share.

[elegantlion]

I have an only child by choice and by chance. I'm not sure how I'd parent differently with more than one, so I'm not how much of this applies to all child rearing vs the only one. One thing we've never done is implied that our family isn't complete with only one child. We've discussed adoption in the past, but dh and I keep coming back to the fact we enjoy our family size right where it is.

 

With one I feel like ds has a higher level of maturity, not sure if that's personality or conditioning. I think he gets his opinion heard more than if we had more than one. He's quite skillful in the art of negotiation, again probably more personality.

 

He gets more choice in his items, toys, bedding, clothing, games etc. We've been "blessed" by a tight budget most of the time so he doesn't always get what he wants.

 

Ds is a picky eater, but so am I. We have food allergies and intolerances, but he is old enough now to make himself something else if he doesn't like our meal choice.

 

We've always made him an important part of our family unit. I know all parents do this, but I think it looks different with an only. He stays up with us in the evening. He has a late bedtime (10pm) specifically so he can spend time with dad. He knows how to entertain himself, but prefers to be among people in the evening.

 

Homeschooling an only has great benefits. It has some challenges and the old socialization is part of that. We strive to keep ds active in at least one thing that keeps him around peers. Right now we're not. When he was younger we made the time to get together with friends more often and have kids over.

 

As an only I think he has been privy to more of our adult conversations and decisions. Again that may our parenting but there are only a few discussions that we feel are best handled out of earshot of ds. That has changed over the years. At 6, we filtered more, now, not so much.

 

I think we have a family centric parenting style. Not all the focus is on him, it's the family and he gets to fully partake of that lifestyle too.

 

I feel like this is rambling, random thoughts. HTH

[Dandelion]

I was an only child, so this is coming from my perspective vs. the perspective of someone raising an only...

 

- Involve her in community service. Caring for the needs of others is the best way to get your focus off of yourself. Although she's still very young, there are ways a 6yo can participate in community service activities.

- If she doesn't already have a pet, consider getting one. From an early age, I had LOTS of pets (usually several at a time - hamsters, guinea pigs, bunnies, parakeets, etc.). Caring for pets provides so many wonderful lessons for a child - and again, shifts her focus to caring for others in a meaningful way.

- Ensure she has lots of opportunities to be in situations where she can practice sharing. Doesn't necessarily have to be around other kids. Sharing was the one area I remember struggling as an only (because I rarely had to share).

 

If I think of more, I'll post them... HTH! :)

[specialmama]

I think the following is generally a tip for all children and families, not just for single children. I think it's important for kids to see that mom and dad love each other, that they have regular date nights and times when they connect without the child. They have interests that do not include the child, perhaps Thursday night bowling league, or serving together in some volunteer capacity. The kids also need to see that mom and dad have individual interests and those interests are scheduled into the calendar. For example, dad goes golfing one Saturday a month and mom goes to a book club. I try to keep in mind that the parents' partnership happened first, then the child joined them... not the other way around.

 

My cousin is an only child and grew up quite contrary to the stereotype. I think I can safely credit that to his parents' willingness to take time out away from him, and to enroll him in several different group activities. He took an interest in swimming and so was always in a swim club and ended up being on an olympic swim team. He was also in a few scout groups, band and sports groups. Kids who learn team dynamics will not be spoiled with that only-child-bratdom curse. :tongue_smilie:

[kalanamak]

Important pets? A big dog, e.g. needs care and grooming and walking, and must be taken thought of when leaving the home, etc.

 

Our active dog was my boy's "sib" when he was little. As in "yes, we are bundling up and going out in this weather because Alex needs her walk."

[OrganicAnn]

Thanks for the ideas so far. We are very happy to have one. It is just not something I would have picked when I was younger.

 

One area that I struggle with is that my DD likes to pretend play. She could spend all day in pretend play with one or both of us (parents). Dinner is the time that we are consistently together as a family. I try to make it a no 'pretend play' zone, but it doesn't work too much. But she is so used to doing pretend play (in the car, at lunch, when outside playing), that she has a difficult time stopping. She usually tells us what to say in the pretend play scenarios that she acts out. They say pretend play is great for kids imagination, but I think we over do it.

 

My DH and I have date nights when we can. But usually GM or FIL and his wife do the babysitting, so my DD thinks of it as her treat to be with her grandparents and not that her parents are enjoy time away from her.

 

Any little idea, I would really appreciate. It is one of those things that I find difficult since we are too close to see the problems.

 

Also anyone who have known kids or adult only-child or if you are an only child, what did your/their parents do right or wrong.

 

Thanks.

Edited May 16, 2010 by OrganicAnn

[Carol in Cal.]

I also think that she needs to let you guys talk sometimes, and you need to insist on doing so. You need adult conversation, and she needs to hear what adult conversation is like.

 

Also, in our case, we emphasized charitable work so DD understands that she is, in some ways, priviledged. And she doesn't automatically go first or win when we play games, just as she would not if there were other children in the family.

 

We have always spent a lot of time facilitating her friendships, with playdates and stuctured one day classes of various kinds over the years.

[Garga]

As she gets older, don't be afraid to tell her she's wrong in her opinions or attitudes.

 

I am an only child. Growing up, my mom would let me talk and vent and say whatever I felt about things. But she didn't often correct me if I was being uncharitable or selfish in my thinking. She just listened.

 

I love it that she listened, but now, as an adult, when someone challenges something I say, I have trouble accepting it. I grew up assuming that everyone would agree with whatever I have to say. And obviously, that's not true.

 

If I had had siblings, they'd have pointed out to me when I was wrong or being uncharitable or selfish.

[Audrey]

I have an only by choice and haven't experienced any of these things you say are part of the "only child syndrome." :001_huh:

 

I think these "symptoms" are likely partly the child's personality and partly parenting style. I think one good step to make is not to assume that the simple fact of onlyhood means the child will have xyz behavioural traits.

 

If you are concerned about overindulgence, well that happens with children from all sizes of families. If overindulgence is part of your parenting urge, then it would be up to you to recognize that in yourself and try to correct it when you see yourself doing it. However, that doesn't mean you should be extra-stingy either. The pendulum can swing too far the other way sometimes, IYKWIM.

 

If you find that you tend to be a homebody a lot, then make some arrangements to have some more outside activities for your child, but only if that is what they want, too. Not all children need to be surrounded by other children for numerous hours each week. Others mentioned pets and opportunities for community service, both of which are lovely ideas for all children, not just onlies. ;)

 

There are many, many bonuses to being an only child and to having an only child. As my dh, who came from a family of 9, is fond of saying, "We have the blessed luxury of being a small family." :001_smile:

[hornblower]

I am an only.

 

My one tip is one that you may not appreciate:

 

-let your child get away with stuff sometimes.

 

Far from being spoiled, I think I've been very uptight about a lot of things/overly responsible/paranoid about getting in trouble.

 

My dh, who is one of 3, explains it this way: in his family (& in any family of 3+ kids), if a kid scratched the furniture etc., nobody except that kid knew who did it. (in a family of 2 kids, the other child knows...)

 

In my case, everyone knew it right away & punishment came my way instantly.

 

As a young adult, I used to obsess about the smallest infractions. Ms. goody two-shoes doesn't even begin to cover it. It took me a while to grow a backbone & really think about what I wanted to do & what risks were acceptable.

 

The only other thing is that with onlies, my experience (& also my observations of some other moms with onlies) is that there's more of a tendency for mom to make the child her friend much earlier than in other families. So moms might start confiding etc in an only, esp a girl, at younger age, which I think is perhaps a bit of a negative - depends on how life is & what mom's outlook is, I guess.

 

The only other thing I'd add is that I've never regretted being an only child. :)

[katemary63]

I've got a DD9 who is 10 years younger then her next sibling and, in essence, is like an only child. So I have experienced both. Our older three children have "flown the coop" so to speak and it is most often just DH, DD9 and I. This is what I say, "She is spoiled, but not spoiled rotten!" Our lives DO revolve around her. Pretty much everything we do is for or about her. But that's is just fine with us. However, we do have expectations from her. Just as with all our children, we expect her to be obedient, humble, kind, respectful, hard working and cheerful. These are character traits we have expected from all our children and teaching them has nothing to do with weather your child is one of many, or an only. Our DD9 has everything she has ever wanted. She get's our full attention almost ALL the time. You would not BELIEVE the lengths her Dad and I have gone to to make her happy her entire life. She is our baby, our last, we both ADORE her and do spoil her tremendously. But she is the most adorable, wonderful, joyful child you will ever meet. She is praised by all other adults we come in contact with as being very mature for her age, respectful, helpful, humble and kind. She is literally the favorite child in her Sunday school, Awana, homeschool groups by anyone who knows her. So, my point is, being "spoiled" with time, adoration, things and attention from parents, does NOT guarantee a "spoiled brat" child. The fact is, if my beloved DD9 even kinda started to ACT like the spoiled child she is, she would have some tough consequences to face and she knows it.

[OrganicAnn]

Thanks for the responses so far. I really appreciate all of them.

 

My "only child syndrome" comes from several relatives (cousin, BIL etc) and some friends over the years that were only children and seem to share the same traits. Have you ever meet people and when you found out they were onlies, oldest, middle child or youngest, you thought 'yes that makes sense.' I don't know what it is, but you really can see how birth order contributes (not completely determines) to personality. I don't assume my DD will have these traits, but I don't want to ignore the possibility either.

 

I really appreciate those who were only-children sharing their experience.

[hillfarm]

My only child is 11yo. She received most of our attention when she was younger, but now that she is older I am mindful of having her understand that she has to share our time and attention with other things or people.

 

Now that she is older, I also have her help me more with the household chores. Just because we have less laundry than the 6 child family does not mean that she doesn't need to learn how to do laundry. Or dishes, or straightening the house, etc. I think it is important to not let my only grow up to feel that she is an entitled princess and that everyone else will do her fair share of the work.

 

She is turning out to be a generous and kind person. She often offers to use some of her money to help with extra household expenses. Of course, we don't take her up on the offer, but it is nice when she says that she will chip in for the gift for Cousin Tyler's graduation or whatever.