VENT! People who are ALWAYS late.

[LadyR]

Can I just vent? I have one family member that is late to everything, every day of her life. I am not exaggerating. It is a well-know fact among family and friends. I am so sick and tired of it. She does not care that it affects other people. For example, one time she told a friend of hers that she’d be at her house around 1pm. What she didn’t tell her was that she was coming to MY house around noon to babysit my kids so I could go grocery shopping. And then it takes about 45 minutes to travel to her friend’s house. How in the world could she make it by 1pm? Her excuse was that they weren’t really doing anything, she was just going to her friend's house to see something. But my thought is what if they had other plans later in the day, or plans to serve her lunch? She would have thrown them off by being late. One time I needed her to babysit so I could get to a doctor appointment. I called her the night before to remind her (because I know she’s always late) and told her to be at my house so I could leave by 9:30am because I had a half hour drive and my appointment was at 10am. When she didn’t arrive by 9:50 I had to pack up my kids and rush off with them. I passed her on the road a couple minutes away from my house. Today I was meeting her at someone’s home at 9:30 am. I arrived on time and she wasn’t there. I waited a few minutes in the car and called her. She was just leaving her house!!! When I asked why she didn’t call me to tell me she was going to be late she snapped that she didn’t know she was going to be late. How can you not know that you are leaving your house 20 minutes late??? She always needs to be somewhere a half hour ago - or more. Why doesn’t she realize that she is affecting other people? If it was once in a while it wouldn’t be an issue. But this goes on every single day. I’m just so tired of it.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Well, I know how frustrating that can be. Several of my family members have lateness issues. I usually ask them to be there way before I actually need them, so that they get there near the time I really want them.

 

I learned this from my mother, whose best friend was chronically late. It only backfired one time. My mom had a confirmation party for my sister and me, and she told the friend the party started at 1:00 when it really started at 2:00. Imagine everyone's surprise when the friend actually showed up at 1:00 and wanted to know where everyone else was. We still talk about that. :lol:

[Daisy]

Don't put up with it.

 

Don't ask her to babysit.

 

Don't set up appointments to meet her unless you have a wide open clear schedule.

 

If she asks you about it, tell her the truth...

 

For the babysitting I'd say, "I had to find someone more reliable and punctual."

 

For the other I'd say, "I've had a busy schedule and I cannot get together with you when you will not respect the fact that I have obligations."

 

No way would I let her rudeness dictate my schedule. If she was more than 15 minutes late to anything, I would leave.

[Beth in TN]

I so understand where you are coming from. I have family and friends that are exactly like this, always late, but act as though this is the first time it has ever happened. :glare:

 

To make things easier on me, I no longer rely on unreliable people to do things for me or with me. For instance, I had a relative who would babysit for me when my older daughter was younger. She was usually late, so I began adjusting the time I needed her to be there by 30 minutes. If she was supposed to be there by 3:30 I told her I needed her to be there at 3 because I did. I knew she would be late, but would arrive just in time for me to leave to get wherever I needed to go.

 

A friend of mine that I sometime go out to lunch with is usually late to arrive wherever we have agreed to go. So I adjusted myself to get there 20 minutes or so after the agreed upon time. Sometimes I to wait (maybe 5 minutes), but usually we pull up at the same time.

 

Some people just have no perception of time. Others just care more about themselves than others. It's hard to tell the difference so I just make adjustments when needed.

[Dandelion]

A friend of mine that I sometime go out to lunch with is usually late to arrive wherever we have agreed to go. So I adjusted myself to get there 20 minutes or so after the agreed upon time. Sometimes I to wait (maybe 5 minutes), but usually we pull up at the same time.

 

Some people just have no perception of time. Others just care more about themselves than others. It's hard to tell the difference so I just make adjustments when needed.

 

This is exactly how I handle this too... One of my best friends is ALWAYS late for everything. But at least she's honest about it and apologizes and we always have a good laugh. I've started showing up 15-20 min. late whenever we get together - and we're usually pulling up at the same time. I even told her what I'm doing and she doesn't mind - it works for us! ;)

[Alice]

My SIL is like this. She's a little bettter in that she knows she is always late and tries a bit to do better, although can't. I read an interesting book where the guy made a case for chronic lateness really being an offshoot of being a perfectionist. The idea is that super-perfectionists can't say no to anything so can't admit that they can't do something so they overbook or overschedule themselves. Also, if they can't do it perfectly they kind of just give up, so if they know they will be 5 minutes late they just give up and are an hour late. I can't say I understand this way of thinking, but I can see that it's somewhat true for my SIL.

 

I also realized that to me being late is a sign of rudeness, you are saying you don't value my time as much as your own. I expressed that to my dh (who also has late tendencies) and he understood why I felt that way but felt that for him and SIL it really isn't intended that way, it's just poor planning. It helped me to try and view it as poor organization on her part and not take it so personally.

 

I handle it with her like the others said. I just always pad the time I need her to be somewhere. She knows this as other family members do it too, but it works for us.

[Daisy]

While I agree that most people who are chronically late are not intentional rude, it is seen as rude by our culture.

 

I think honesty is the best policy, personally. That person has no hope of changing if they never realize how their actions impact others.

 

But I can see where if it was a close friend or family member it might be tough to be that honest about it. I'm that sort of person though. ;)

[chickenpatty]

I have a friend like this & it drives me crazy! Especially when I babysit for her - she's always at least an hour longer than I'd expected.

 

One day she said that she likes it when people are late because it gives her more time to get last minute things done. A different mindset, I guess...

[Guest Beekeeper]

I call it Temperol Deficit Disorder. Some people just can not recognize that you have to account for transportation time.

 

I have a SIL that has it and it is part of her passive agressive attitude. She wants to show how important she is by making everyone wait on her while she recurls her hair.

 

My DH has it but he is not passive agressive. He just does not think about driving time thus I plan all events.

 

Sigh, family.

[cathmom]

My SIL is like this. She's a little bettter in that she knows she is always late and tries a bit to do better, although can't. I read an interesting book where the guy made a case for chronic lateness really being an offshoot of being a perfectionist. The idea is that super-perfectionists can't say no to anything so can't admit that they can't do something so they overbook or overschedule themselves. Also, if they can't do it perfectly they kind of just give up, so if they know they will be 5 minutes late they just give up and are an hour late. I can't say I understand this way of thinking, but I can see that it's somewhat true for my SIL.

 

I also realized that to me being late is a sign of rudeness, you are saying you don't value my time as much as your own. I expressed that to my dh (who also has late tendencies) and he understood why I felt that way but felt that for him and SIL it really isn't intended that way, it's just poor planning. It helped me to try and view it as poor organization on her part and not take it so personally.

 

I handle it with her like the others said. I just always pad the time I need her to be somewhere. She knows this as other family members do it too, but it works for us.

 

I can see that, about being a perfectionist, and not being able to leave things undone. My mil is very often late, sometimes really late. She will be getting ready to go and see something that needs to be done, so she does it, and then while doing that, she sees something else that needs to be done, so she does it...and before you know it, she's late.

 

I bet most people who are late do not intend it to be rude and are not being passive-aggressive. They are not trying to ruin your day. If you know someone who is usually late, just plan around it.

[elizabeth]

 

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/passive-aggressive-behavior/AN01563 IT is classic passive agressive behaviour that is a signal of aggression and control. It is far more than bad manners. My mother is very often late due to factors of her own creation meant to demonstrate her superiority over others. Example," I am sorry I am late for your holiday dinner but I have to clean and dust since I have no cleaning help and have to do everything on my own I do not have all the help you do."FWIW I have no cleaning help nor do I wish to have strangers in my home. Last night she really pulled a doozy. Called at 4:30 pm to ask if we could stay at her house for two hours this afternoon to accept a furniture delivery as she had to help a friend volunteer for a community luncheon. Uh, no we are not able to do so. WE have a little chemistry and rhetoric then two hours of writing in a manga group at the library. When we declined for these reasons she said that all her other friends could not wait for her furniture delivery as they all" work."Yep. And I am a lawyer who is giving up all that income to home educate so I can sit at her home and wait for furniture.... Passive aggressive all the way. Lateness as a habit is controlling, disrespectful behaviour that is, in my opinion, a moral failure and weakness of character.

[Renee in NC]

I can see that, about being a perfectionist, and not being able to leave things undone. My mil is very often late, sometimes really late. She will be getting ready to go and see something that needs to be done, so she does it, and then while doing that, she sees something else that needs to be done, so she does it...and before you know it, she's late.

 

I bet most people who are late do not intend it to be rude and are not being passive-aggressive. They are not trying to ruin your day. If you know someone who is usually late, just plan around it.

 

That is me. I am always late because of it - there is always something to be done .:leaving:

 

I also always underestimate how much time it takes to get 6 other people ready to go.:tongue_smilie:

[Renee in NC]

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/passive-aggressive-behavior/AN01563 IT is classic passive agressive behaviour that is a signal of aggression and control. It is far more than bad manners. My mother is very often late due to factors of her own creation meant to demonstrate her superiority over others. Example," I am sorry I am late for your holiday dinner but I have to clean and dust since I have no cleaning help and have to do everything on my own I do not have all the help you do."FWIW I have no cleaning help nor do I wish to have strangers in my home. Last night she really pulled a doozy. Called at 4:30 pm to ask if we could stay at her house for two hours this afternoon to accept a furniture delivery as she had to help a friend volunteer for a community luncheon. Uh, no we are not able to do so. WE have a little chemistry and rhetoric then two hours of writing in a manga group at the library. When we declined for these reasons she said that all her other friends could not wait for her furniture delivery as they all" work."Yep. And I am a lawyer who is giving up all that income to home educate so I can sit at her home and wait for furniture.... Passive aggressive all the way. Lateness as a habit is controlling, disrespectful behaviour that is, in my opinion, a moral failure and weakness of character.

 

I promise that it is not passive aggressive stemming from a need to control or aggression that makes me late all the time. Obviously there is something else going on here - I can't imagine feeling that terrible towards someone because they are late or called to ask for a favor.

[elizabeth]

I promise that it is not passive aggressive stemming from a need to control or aggression that makes me late all the time. Obviously there is something else going on here - I can't imagine feeling that terrible towards someone because they are late or called to ask for a favor.

 

You have several children to care for and are home educating all of them I cannot imagine a person less likely to be able to be on time simply because of all the demands on your time due to your several serious obligations. It is not about being late once it is all the time with the outcome of no friends as it gets old having reservations and this person never ready and just busybodying around the house throwing off the plans of a group of ten people. Absolutely unacceptable. For anyone to state that hsers are "not working," and therefore considered available at the drop of the hat is an insult of the highest order.

[RanchGirl]

I think it's overly optimistic to think that someone who is always extremely late is going to suddenly show up on time when you need her for babysitting or anything else. For whatever reason, she just isn't going to be on time, nor is she going to apologize. Yes it's annoying and rude, but unfortunately, you can't change it. Accept it and move on, and make your plans with other more reliable people!

[LadyR]

It my situation, my frustration is coming from the fact that it is never a once in a while thing. I can totally understand how hard it is to get out the door with kids and underestimating the time it takes to get somewhere, especially when you have to deal with unexpected traffic. That is totally understandable. But with this family member, it is constant. And it is rarely just a few minutes. And she's not busy with kids because she doesn't have any children. I really think she thrives on the thrill of rushing around. She is one of the only close family members I have and we work together (and drive together) so I can't just move on.

[Laurie4b]

The dominant culture in the US is one of the most obsessive with time in the world. I think it's important to remember that there are different ways of looking at it overall.

 

Secondly, there are people whose minds have deficits in estimating time it's going to take to do something and time as it is elapsing as they are doing something. A lot of those people have ADHD or ADHD traits. They may also be relational or creative types. But the issue is rarely a deliberate decision to be selfish or rude. It's more like a learning disability in estimating time.

 

That doesn't mean that the resulting behavior deficit doesn't impact other people who are in the majority culture in the US.

 

The question for you is how will you respond? Right now, you're ticked off because your family member is the way she is. You have some choices there:

 

1) Accept the way she is and a) don't ask her to do things when time is an issue or b) give her an earlier target time than you need her to be there. "I have a doctor's appt. this morning. Could you aim to be here around 9:00? (Your appt is at 10:00 and it's a 15 min. commute).

 

2) Express *without judgment* that it sometimes creates problems for you and ask if there is a way that you can help her out--for instance, you could give her a reminder call 15 min. before she needs to walk out the door, etc.

 

You can only control yourself, so my advice would be to stop labeling it as a moral deficit, entertain the idea that it may be a neurological deficit, and decide what is within your control to do about it. Enjoy the parts of this person that are positive--for instance, the fact that she is willing to come babysit and that she's the kind of person you would trust your kids with.

[Allearia]

My husband is one of these people. I am the opposite and am always early. Obviously we have had a lot of clashes. This means I have to get everything ready, get the kids ready by myself, and keep harassing him the whole time. From 17 years of observation this is what happens:

 

1) He doesn't factor in travel time or will grossly underestimate it -- even if there may be a lot of traffic on the way.

2) He hates to wait so tries to make it so he just makes the connection, or only has a 1 minute wait. So if something goes wrong he has to wait even longer, is very late, and very impatient.

3) There is always one more thing he wants to get done before we leave--put in laundry, do dishes, take out the garbage. Important necessary things, all-- but they can wait until we get back!

4) He gets all ready then realizes he is hungry and must start a full meal if it is around lunch time. If he just grabs a cheese stick and an apple he feels dreadfully deprived.

5) He doesn't realize other people have obligations and things to get to. For example, I usually drive him to the train station in the morning, but then I have to drive my younger guy to preschool, and if I get there late I have to park far away and it takes twice as long walking there, talking to people. Then I often have to get ds8 to a morning class or even just get home to do school. So if dh is late getting ready, I am late for three things. I need to get better about just making him walk if he is not ready on time (just a 10 minute walk!) but sometimes I have done this and he complains he is late for work :confused: And that is my fault how?

6) He wants to stop somewhere on the way and pick something up, drop books off at the library, etc. Fortunately I am the driver and I can just say NO!!! But if he is by himself or with the kids this happens all the time.

7) He REFUSES to wear a watch. Fortunately now he usually has his cell phone. But for example, we have a clock that runs a few minutes fast, so he will say "Well I can't trust the clock so I didn't know it was getting so late." :confused:

 

I don't think it is passive aggressive most of the time, or intentional. I have learned to compensate, telling him a very early time to get ready, packing food, getting the kids ready, calling out constant reminders. We usually manage to squeak in right on time if we are both going, and I am trying to let go when he is on his own. Of course last time he had to fly out of town, I took the kids out so he would have plenty of time to get ready on his own, and he had the 10 minute walk to the train that would take him directly to the airport. Of course he missed his flight and had to wait hours in the airport and missed an event that day he wannted to go to! I was just sympathetic and didn't say a word.

[Haiku]

I dated a guy (for far too long) who was chronically late. With him it was because he had very unrealistic ideas about what he could accomplish in a certain amount of time. He would say, "Well, on the way there I need to run to the post office, swing by work and pick up my check, stop and grab a snack, and put gas in the car. I'll leave 1/2 an hour before I have to be there." Ok, he didn't REALLY say that, but that was his though process. I, on the other hand, KNEW that he would need at least an hour and a half to get all that accomplished ... but he would never listen, and so he was always late.

 

Tara

[Haiku]

For anyone to state that hsers are "not working," and therefore considered available at the drop of the hat is an insult of the highest order.

 

I don't think it is. I think it's a failure to understand what homeschooling entails, which is, imo, understandable if you don't homeschool.

 

It's irritating, to be sure, when people think you are free just because you don't work outside the home, but I don't consider it insulting.

 

Tara

[gaillardia]

Having a sister who was always, always late to everything, I know how annoying it is. We'd tell her Thanksgiving dinner at 1, she'd show up at 3, and my mom would ALWAYS hold dinner for her. I'd get there at 11 with kids and babies, further distance to travel; we'd call her and she just would not get there until she got there. It wasn't just Thanksgiving, it was everything. She had no children to get ready.

It worked out nicer when we'd go to her house, except for when she wouldn't put the turkey in the oven soon enough.

For some reason, things changed a bit and now she isn't always late, just sometimes.

I have a friend who is the same way, but now I live 1500+ miles away so I don't go through it anymore.:auto:

[PineFarmMom]

Meet her when it is a MUST only!! Tell her if you have a doctor appt. that the appt. is actually 1 hour earlier than it is, then plan around her habitual tardiness. That is the only way I'd bother with setting a schedule around her ever again. I'd be more tempted to just not bother anymore. If she asks, then I'd tell her why.

 

I had a friend like that. She was more about being totally and completely forgetful than just showing up. After about the third time I quit bothering.

[AuntieM]

I don't know how to multi-quote, but I found several comments interesting.

 

The passive-aggressive thing - YES! I personally feel like this accounts for a small fraction of lateness, but I have experienced this from an extended family member and it is maddening! We have learned to go on with the plans, with or without her.

 

Improper planning/time allowance - I am guilty of this one. I have lived in many different places and the amount of time things take has varied by location. I find I am often operating on a small town time budget and that just doesn't cut it in my bigger metro area. My fault, for sure.

 

Doing the "one more thing" - There's dh for ya. I think this is probably one of the bigger slices of the pie, in that many of us operate this way in American multi-tasking society today.

 

Cultural differences - so true! In Germany, I remember it being rude to be late. In my travels through Brazil, it was rude to be early (or even on time, especially to an evening dinner or party - that's a crazy adjustment to make - "Hmmm, I can't arrive on time, but just how late *should* I be? Hmmmm..."). In America I think we really all suffer from the level of multi-tasking that has risen to common expectation. I think I'm going to rebel against it, just as soon as I finish the last 43 things on today's to-do list.

 

I agree that it is rude to not meet a set appointment without a call to either cancel or let the party waiting know that one is late but on the way. Once you commit to be somewhere or meet someone at a set time, that is a commitment to be honored.

[Jean in Newcastle]

In our family we call this "Filipino time". And no, we're not being culturally insensitive - our family is Filipino. We tell our family, for this appointment, we have to be on "American time" because it is immovable. But for a family dinner, we allow them to be on Filipino time and we make food ahead that just needs to be heated up when they arrive.

[katemary63]

I don't have time to read everyone else but this is what I would do.

 

Never have her babysit.

 

If you are waiting for her before you leave for somewhere and she is not on time, just leave.

 

If you are waiting for her to eat, just eat.

 

Don't ever wait to do what ever you were going to do for her. Just do it. She'll suffer the consequences of missing out. Don't make any plans with her that would require you to rely on her in any way. Either she makes it, or she doesn't, but make it her loss, not yours. This is actually an easy problem to solve - for YOU anyway. It's not personal, she's just late. Just make sure it never effects you.

[AHASRADA]

;)

In our family we call this "Filipino time". for a family dinner, we allow them to be on Filipino time and we make food ahead that just needs to be heated up when they arrive.

 

I think a lot of other cultures are like this, and we all have our version of "fill-in-the-cultural-label" time. It doesn't make it any easier to accept, and can be downright frustrating, but it is what it is. Yes, I am American, dh isn't, and we have totally different concepts of time :).

 

One funny example: When dd10 was born, I decided to have an open house shower. I sent out invitations to friends and family on both sides, saying the party was "from 3pm on". I pretty much assumed that my family and American friends would arrive at 3 or 4, and the others later in the evening. You guessed it, we ended up with two separate parties! All the Americans were long gone by the time our multi-cultural entourage showed up at 7pm. It worked out, since we planned for it, but too funny!

 

A more recent, and more annoying story: I planned a surprise 40th bday party for dh last month. It fell during his final exam week, so he was extremely busy and stressed out. I planned 3 weeks in advance for his two brothers to surprise him by visiting, one from an hour away, the other 2 hours. Everything was fine until a week before, when dh mentioned that BIL has to go to CA for business that week. What!!! So I talk to BIL, he says he will try his best to get there on time, but it depends on work. Fine. So, I check in with SIL mid-week, who tells me no, there is no way he will be back in time. So, we reschedule, from Friday night to Sat. AM. I clearly told both BILs that they should try to arrive around 9am, because dh will likely run off to school after breakfast to work on his final projects. Granted, I knew they wouldn't arrive at 9am, but I was hoping for 10 or 10:30 at the latest. I spent an incredibly stressful morning, trying to act nonchalant, but still watching out the window. Dh was busy on the computer and the phone, but he could bolt at any minute. Where are they! Would you believe, they finally showed up at NOON! I had bought 2 dozen donuts and bagels, assuming I would be serving a light breakfast before worrying about lunch. Instead, I had to head straight for the kitchen, to get started on lunch, while everyone else chatted. We had a nice afternoon, but half of the day had been lost, with me stressed to the point of nausea after so many weeks of secretiveness and planning, and these nuts couldn't even show me the courtesy of showing up on time! BTW, other SIL shows up with gifts for all the nieces and nephews, as well as dh, and I'm sure they were so late because she was shopping :blink:.

 

So, even after 18 years of experience with this family and the culture, it can still be hard to deal with their lateness, and not to feel it as a personal slap in the face, as if my plans and efforts don't matter. I do keep fighting the tide, trying as hard as I can to insist that they learn to be "polite and civilized" (like me ;)), by planning ahead and being on time, but I also try to provide a "time cushion", and rely on them as little as possible.