Ideas? Naturally bossy/demanding child

[sbgrace]

How do I teach a child who is naturally bossy to be polite and stop making demands on people? His personality is ESTJ if that means anything to those who know Myers Briggs types. He was born directive to put it mildly. A snip of ESTJ childhood characteristics from this site:

http://www.personality-power-for-everyday-living.com/Parenting-skill-estj.html I really don't think we created this and his sibling is the exact opposite.

 

 

• In play, they naturally want to be the "boss of you"
  
• Strong need for people interaction...strong
  
• Pre-school and early school the ESTJ can be bossy, domineering, pushy
  

 

I know I'm not going to change his basic personality drive (nor would I want to do that) but I want to modify the rough edges. We've talked, modeled, talked more, gave consequences, had him rephrase, etc. and nothing sticks for long.

[Chris in VA]

Might have to grow out of it--as he grows, he'll be more developmentally able to be empathetic.

 

And, he'll probably experience the consequences of inappropriate behaviour more directly from peers--iow, no one wants to play with the "constantly bossy one," unless he finds friends that are very, very easy going.

[LibraryLover]

How old is the child? Your post reads as if you have already written your kid off.

[sbgrace]

It sounds like I've written him off? Really? I've not written him off at all. He's a great kid. I could list all kinds of great things about him but I wanted advice for this particular area. We've all got weaknesses and strengths. Actually, this aspect of his personality has lots of good things about it--he clearly states his position, he's not a follow the crowd type, he's self directed, he's not overly emotional and keeps his head about him in nearly any situation, and on. But the flip side of that is that he can come across in a way that is going to be off-putting to others.

 

My signature line might not be clear I guess but he's six.

 

I'd like to help him learn to interact/make requests in a less demanding way.

Edited May 3, 2010 by sbgrace

[Jean in Newcastle]

You teach him to be polite by teaching (modeling over and over) the use of the words "Please, "May I" etc.

 

If he is bossing you - then I would tell him that he may ask or submit a proposal of what should be done, but you need to be able to think about it and to decide.

 

If he is bossing his sibling or friends, then you need to tell him that good friends take turns making decisions. You may have to model this for him and require him to ask others for play suggestions etc. while you are there supervising.

 

None of this has to be forceful or mean. It can just be matter of fact and in the context of modeling socially appropriate behavior.

[Rosie_0801]

How do I teach a child who is naturally bossy to be polite and stop making demands on people?

 

Which people? His immediate family? Obviously this child needs to learn to tone down his demanding nature, but his family also need to learn not to be intimidated by it. There is nothing wrong with *asking.* It might be annoying, but it isn't a bad thing to do. He must learn to accept a polite refusal, of course; and his family needs to learn to be firm but polite in refusing anything they don't want to do.

 

If "people" means unrelated persons, I think you have to keep up with the reminders: "Son, you need to accept what So and So is saying even if you don't like it!" Eventually he'll get it/ grow up ;)

 

Rosie

[MamaT]

My second son was/is this way. He is also extremely bright. He just always assumes he should be the leader. It was something we tried to correct for the ENTIRE time he was at home. He understood that this was part of his personality at a young age and could control it when HE chose to. He finished high school at 14, CC at 16 and joined the Marine Corp at 18 because he didn't know what he wanted to do. He made Sgt. today at 22. He gets out in July and is going to pursue a finance degree.

 

Your son is probably a born leader. This personality type, IMO, is HARD to parent, but he will mellow as he matures. :001_smile:

[juelle]

Which people? His immediate family? Obviously this child needs to learn to tone down his demanding nature, but his family also need to learn not to be intimidated by it. There is nothing wrong with *asking.* It might be annoying, but it isn't a bad thing to do. He must learn to accept a polite refusal, of course; and his family needs to learn to be firm but polite in refusing anything they don't want to do.

 

If "people" means unrelated persons, I think you have to keep up with the reminders: "Son, you need to accept what So and So is saying even if you don't like it!" Eventually he'll get it/ grow up ;)

 

Rosie

 

Oh, Rosie, I hope this is as helpful to the op as it is to me. Your words are full of grace. Thank you.

[OrganicAnn]

I agree that politeness will help him a lot. Also you need to be very consistent in how you deal with him.

 

Also when there is a choice to be made I would try to allow your other child plenty of opportunities to get to be the 'chooser'. Sometimes kids in a family will fall into behavior patterns where one always chooses and one always follows. So I would work with the other child to make sure he/she doesn't just follow and can make a decision and step up when necessary.

[juelle]

Congratulations to your ds, Tammy. I appreciate the reminder that this personality type has such strong positives.

[sbgrace]

Thank you all very much for such helpful responses! So many of you were just "right on" and provided a lot of wisdom. Thank you.

[LarlaB]

How do I teach a child who is naturally bossy to be polite and stop making demands on people? His personality is ESTJ if that means anything to those who know Myers Briggs types. He was born directive to put it mildly. A snip of ESTJ childhood characteristics from this site:

http://www.personality-power-for-everyday-living.com/Parenting-skill-estj.html I really don't think we created this and his sibling is the exact opposite.

 

 

• In play, they naturally want to be the "boss of you"

• Strong need for people interaction...strong

• Pre-school and early school the ESTJ can be bossy, domineering, pushy

 

I know I'm not going to change his basic personality drive (nor would I want to do that) but I want to modify the rough edges. We've talked, modeled, talked more, gave consequences, had him rephrase, etc. and nothing sticks for long.

 

My DD sounds exactly (!!!) like your DS. Exactly. She is 6yo and I've already had this conversation w/ 10 people. :) She was born to boss/lead/direct and it has been challenging for me to parent. She is bright and born to lead.

 

One thing that amazes me about DD is her continued optimism. No matter how often I correct her or give the same basic speech, she wakes up the next day 'ready to rule'. Its become almost comical. Its exactly as you say- it doesn't last for long.

 

**The Big "D"**Some things we've done w/ DD- Actually my MIL came up w/ this for my DD after babysitting for 4 days- give her the "d" signal (in sign language) when she is being demanding (that's what we've called it)...that is her clue to back off. DD is sometimes clueless what 'backing off' is supposed to look like in any given situation, but at least she has learned to quiet down a bit and at least stop talking. LOL Its very concrete, preempts bossy behavior and can be done discretely.

 

**Daily Reminders**I've realized DD seems to need daily reminders that she is not in charge, is not her brother's mother (I frequently say "I am the mother today") etc. She doesn't get upset about it, its as though 'oh yeah- I'm not in charge'.

 

**Be Concrete**I have to explain emotional/feeling responses to DD because she doesn't get seem to ever intuitively 'get it'. I have to be very clear & specific about behavior, attitude etc. Very honest & direct about what she should & should not do.

 

I have by no means conquered this- I'm right were you are, but wanted to share what I've been doing. It seems to help modify the negative issues... Again, like you, I'm not trying to change her but rather help her navigate the world.

[MamaT]

LariaB - These are some of the exact techniques I used with my son when he was younger. :001_smile:

 

When he was in about 7th grade age, I made him write "I am wrong" or "I am not in charge" 100 times in his best handwriting. He would argue with the answer pages in the math book and explain to me why "they" were wrong. :001_unsure:

[katemary63]

My general child rearing / animal training philosophy:

(Sorry, no offense, but honestly, there are a lot of similarities!)

 

Make the right choice easy, make the wrong choice difficult. Meaning, if a child (or horse or dog) chooses a wrong behavior, I just let the natural consequences be sure to take him to a place he didn't want to be. If a child chooses a right behavior (ESPECIALLY in an area where he struggles) then all kinds of wonderful things happen, but at the very least, what he WANTED to happen, happens!

[sbgrace]

More great ideas! Thank you!

LarlaB, I hope this thread was helpful to you too. It helps me both with ideas and also to know other parents have been there (or are there in your case!) and "get" what I was trying to describe about a kiddo being born to direct everything!

 

I think this personality will serve our kids well in life especially if they can also learn to be gentle with those who don't easily fall into line!

Edited May 3, 2010 by sbgrace

[mlbuchina]

My DD sounds exactly (!!!) like your DS. Exactly. She is 6yo and I've already had this conversation w/ 10 people. :) She was born to boss/lead/direct and it has been challenging for me to parent. She is bright and born to lead.

 

One thing that amazes me about DD is her continued optimism. No matter how often I correct her or give the same basic speech, she wakes up the next day 'ready to rule'. Its become almost comical. Its exactly as you say- it doesn't last for long.

 

**The Big "D"**Some things we've done w/ DD- Actually my MIL came up w/ this for my DD after babysitting for 4 days- give her the "d" signal (in sign language) when she is being demanding (that's what we've called it)...that is her clue to back off. DD is sometimes clueless what 'backing off' is supposed to look like in any given situation, but at least she has learned to quiet down a bit and at least stop talking. LOL Its very concrete, preempts bossy behavior and can be done discretely.

 

**Daily Reminders**I've realized DD seems to need daily reminders that she is not in charge, is not her brother's mother (I frequently say "I am the mother today") etc. She doesn't get upset about it, its as though 'oh yeah- I'm not in charge'.

 

**Be Concrete**I have to explain emotional/feeling responses to DD because she doesn't get seem to ever intuitively 'get it'. I have to be very clear & specific about behavior, attitude etc. Very honest & direct about what she should & should not do.

 

I have by no means conquered this- I'm right were you are, but wanted to share what I've been doing. It seems to help modify the negative issues... Again, like you, I'm not trying to change her but rather help her navigate the world.

 

This is wonderful information! My dd4 is like this. I will definately have to try these!

[Isabella]

My oldest dd (18) is very much this personality type. While she was growing up it was so constant, having to talk to her, correct, ask to re-phrase, etc, etc. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall, and that I was getting nowhere. I really wondered what the point was, and that maybe I should just let her be. Now, looking back, I realize that I have not changed her personality, and that is not what you want anyway. These are strong characters, with conviction and leadership qualities. I do realize however, that all that I tried to do, did sink in to her mind somewhere, and it has just moderated the rough edges. This needed time, though, to actually show in her personality. She is now a very lovely friend to me, very strong, very moral, and very convicted. I'm so glad of it. We still have heated discussions at times, but I'm glad she is who she is, even though there were many tough years.

I applaud you for figuring out his personality type at this age and trying to find the best approach to it - it will only serve you well, as you seek to gently direct him.