being asked to leave a homeschool group

[Denisemomof4]

Have you ever heard of someone being asked to leave a homeschool group? If so, do you know the reasons behind it?

 

On the other hand, if you were a leader in a homeschool group and a mother was gossiping about other families, being mean to kids, causing dissension, pitting kids AND adults each other, (she knows not to gossip to me so she throws out these one liners that you truly don't have time to stop! I've ended the relationship.) she was bashing you and all your efforts, almost every famil in the group has had words and/or issues with her, and her oldest daughter, 10, was causing dissension amongst the kids, would you ask them to leave the group?

 

There's a woman in our group who has been spoken to three times. No sooner does she get spoken to, she's out bashing the leader and others in the group. I'm certain people have left the group because of her. She's also been asked to leave a church! The leader wants her gone but I think her heart gets in the way.

 

I'm going to be bringing these responses to her to help her, one way or another, better deal with this toxic person.

 

Thanks!

[mommaduck]

Yes, I would ask her to leave.

[Tidbits of Learning]

I know our homeschool group will break during the summer. It is only a few months away. If your homeschool leader is too soft to ask her to leave, in a matter of months just don't ask her to return.

[RoughCollie]

Yes, I would tell her to leave. If she can't get along with the others in the group, she's the bad apple who has to go.

[TravelingChris]

Never personally had this experience in a homeschooling group, but I agree with the other posters. Don't ask her back or flatly tell her she isn't welcomed.

 

I know that one family was not welcomed at a previous group because they had no control over their children who were exhibiting dangerous and disruptive behaviors and ignored the leaders' concerns about those behaviors.

[Mommyfaithe]

I got so sick of the BS, I left the group. If they wanted to put up with that cr@p, fine...but I wasn't going to put myself or my kids through that any longer.

 

~~Faithe

[KinderSafari]

WWJD?

 

We had a similar situation with a group I was part of. One very abrasive, single mom who talked loudly, laughed loudly, smelled bad, interrupted, told inappropriate jokes, treated her kids rudely, etc. Totally mixed in with the wrong crowd. People cringed when she sat by them, etc. She came back faithfully.

 

We figured God had a purpose. We didn't see it, but there was a reason. She came for 5 years and is still part of the group. Her edges are s-l-o-w-l-y softening. She still stands out from the rest of us, but we've accepted her. She IS part of the group and so wants to be with us. We try to include her and assign her occasional tasks because she takes great pride in being able to help. Many times our responses are like counselors when she says something rude. "Yes, it certainly is hard, isn't it?"

 

There are still many awkward moments, but it's okay. That's what WE decided to do.

 

And as far as the children situation - all kids follow our rules 100% of the time. I don't care what it's like at home and what they're allowed to do. I hover around any kids who are rude and harp on them (in a polite way) until they follow the rules like the rest of the kids. They will be respectful in our group. If they look at me sour, I may tell their parents "so-and-so might be mad at me, I made them stop interrupting so the presenter could finish their talk uninterrupted." Her kids are now respectful in our groups. They have learned.

 

The kids will either shape up or stop coming. Either way is a good solution for you. :)

 

Good luck! Definitely not an easy solution!

Edited April 9, 2010 by KinderSafari

[Denisemomof4]

WWJD?

 

We had a similar situation with a group I was part of. One very abrasive, single mom who talked loudly, laughed loudly, smelled bad, interrupted, told inappropriate jokes, treated her kids rudely, etc. Totally mixed in with the wrong crowd. People cringed when she sat by them, etc. She came back faithfully.

 

We figured God had a purpose. We didn't see it, but there was a reason. She came for 5 years and is still part of the group. Her edges are s-l-o-w-l-y softening. She still stands out from the rest of us, but we've accepted her. She IS part of the group and so wants to be with us. We try to include her and assign her occasional tasks because she takes great pride in being able to help. Many times our responses are like counselors when she says something rude. "Yes, it certainly is hard, isn't it?"

 

There are still many awkward moments, but it's okay. That's what WE decided to do.

 

And as far as the children situation - all kids follow our rules 100% of the time. I don't care what it's like at home and what they're allowed to do. I hover around any kids who are rude and harp on them (in a polite way) until they follow the rules like the rest of the kids. They will be respectful in our group. If they look at me sour, I may tell their parents "so-and-so might be mad at me, I made them stop interrupting so the presenter could finish their talk uninterrupted." Her kids are now respectful in our groups. They have learned.

 

The kids will either shape up or stop coming. Either way is a good solution for you. :)

 

Good luck! Definitely not an easy solution!

 

I like the way your group handled things. WWJD? I believe the leader has done as Jesus would do. She has spoken to her three times now. This person only gets worse, NOT better. She has gotten nastier.

 

I think to keep allowing her to do as she does, speaking to her and she changes nothing only gets worse, is enabling her and that's unhealthy. Jesus doesn't like a gossip, a slanderer, a jealous person, a person who causes discord. I think He would lovingly talk to her, as the leaders did, and then perhaps she'd have to suffer the consequences of her actions.

[happyhomemaker25]

This might be something your leader wants to consider over the summer if you break.

We have an agreement that everyone signs. It outlines appropriate behavior for parents and kids. It also outlines what action will be taken towards people who break the agreement. Like first time you will be made aware of the situation, second time "suspended" from group, third asked to leave. (Not so much what ours says I was just pulling stuff out of the air..)

We have a board made up of members who have been there and been active and proven to be trustworthy who meet bimonthly. It would be up to them to determine whether to ask someone to leave the group based on the above criteria.

We have had to ask a mom to leave before. A year or two later she came back and asked for another chance. After some discussion it was given. She was a different person and has made positive contributions to the group.

[Ellie]

Have you ever heard of someone being asked to leave a homeschool group? If so, do you know the reasons behind it?

Yes. A woman in our group was asked to leave because her children were uncontrollable.

 

On the other hand, if you were a leader in a homeschool group and a mother was gossiping about other families, being mean to kids, causing dissension, pitting kids AND adults each other, (she knows not to gossip to me so she throws out these one liners that you truly don't have time to stop! I've ended the relationship.) she was bashing you and all your efforts, almost every famil in the group has had words and/or issues with her, and her oldest daughter, 10, was causing dissension amongst the kids, would you ask them to leave the group?

Yes.

 

There's a woman in our group who has been spoken to three times. No sooner does she get spoken to, she's out bashing the leader and others in the group. I'm certain people have left the group because of her. She's also been asked to leave a church! The leader wants her gone but I think her heart gets in the way.

 

I'm going to be bringing these responses to her to help her, one way or another, better deal with this toxic person.

 

Thanks!

Your leader needs to ask that woman to leave. Her heart also needs to be concerned about the other people in the group. And asking this woman to leave may be enough of a shock to cause her to reevaluate her behavior, which is one of the goals of such discipline: to cause the perpetrator to repent.

[Impish]

Ugh.

 

Why should one person be allowed to behave so badly so as to make a group miserable? And her kid making other kids miserable to boot?

 

One thing for adults to decide to set a loving example as a group. Another thing to inflict misery on children, imo.

[sheryl]

Have you ever heard of someone being asked to leave a homeschool group? If so, do you know the reasons behind it?

 

On the other hand, if you were a leader in a homeschool group and a mother was gossiping about other families, being mean to kids, causing dissension, pitting kids AND adults each other, (she knows not to gossip to me so she throws out these one liners that you truly don't have time to stop! I've ended the relationship.) she was bashing you and all your efforts, almost every famil in the group has had words and/or issues with her, and her oldest daughter, 10, was causing dissension amongst the kids, would you ask them to leave the group?

 

There's a woman in our group who has been spoken to three times. No sooner does she get spoken to, she's out bashing the leader and others in the group. I'm certain people have left the group because of her. She's also been asked to leave a church! The leader wants her gone but I think her heart gets in the way.

 

I'm going to be bringing these responses to her to help her, one way or another, better deal with this toxic person.

 

Thanks!

 

OK, this is what I would do. I started a co-op a year ago. It's not very big yet and it might not take fully off....people are not interested in making committments to teach.

 

As the founder of the group I believe it's important to have a statement of faith (it can be as general or specific as your group likes.....the more specific then the fewer people might sign on b/c you may believe in pre-destination and another christian may not) AND a "family handbook" explaining responsibilitites and conduct expected.

 

When you have this signed that person is entering into an agreement with you. It puts the RESPONSIBILITY on the shoulders of the group member. It sounds like w/o the check and balances that y'all don't have she feels she has a license to sabatoge the group. What is her motivation? What is her gain? She obviously wants something.

 

Next, I'd take the biblical approach. After praying about it, I'd submit to the multi-level steps of reconciliation.....FOR THE LEADER: go to the one who sinned against you, if they don't listen take another, then before the elders, then you are to disconnect.

 

HTH. Sheryl

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Yes, she would be asked to leave.

 

And, in a perfect world the leader wouldn't wait until after you break for the summer.

 

It would be done NOW, ideally. Why subject the kids (and moms!) to more of this?! It's not fair to the ones who are following the rules!

[Karen in CO]

A Cautionary Tale:

 

I, along with two other families,left a homeschool group because a couple of the families were just toxic. They wouldn't control their kids. The first couple of years we were there, I kind of felt sorry for her because she just seemed overwhelmed all of the time. The last year I was there, I had two of her kids in my class, and she came in to help. After spending an hour once a week with her, I realized that she wasn't fixable. Every summer, the leaders of the group would get together and make a handbook specifically trying to addres the problems that a few of the families caused then go over the rules with everyone at the beginning of the season, but they never asked her to leave. Finally I left instead. I realized that I didn't want my kids growing up in that environment with those kids for their friends and peers. It was a huge relief. Two other families left at the same time - we still meet for play dates two years later. Many other families have left since.

 

You don't want that happening to your group.

[Mejane]

Why should one person be allowed to behave so badly so as to make a group miserable? And her kid making other kids miserable to boot?

 

 

 

Yes. The many should never have to suffer for the few.

[Margo out of lurking]

I'm going to be bringing these responses to her to help her, one way or another, better deal with this toxic person.

Thanks!

 

I may be totally off base, but why on earth would this leader give any credibility to the opinions of a bunch of complete strangers?

:confused:

[Denisemomof4]

I may be totally off base, but why on earth would this leader give any credibility to the opinions of a bunch of complete strangers?

:confused:

 

She's been so torn about asking this woman to leave. A group of us have encouraged her to do so, and I want to share what people here have said, because she's heard me speak of this place often.

[Aubrey]

She's been so torn about asking this woman to leave. A group of us have encouraged her to do so, and I want to share what people here have said, because she's heard me speak of this place often.

 

Yep. At this point, dh will do almost anything y'all say to do, order any curric y'all recommend, etc. Please. Don't advise us to jump off a bridge. ;)

 

Actually, I think lots of people come here for advice for organized groups. Collectively, we're that smart. :D

[Hillary in KS]

Yes. our group had a woman almost exactly as you described. After 2 years of prayer, attempts to reach out to her, and a couple of honest conversations, we asked her to leave.

 

We told her that this group was obviously not meeting her needs, and wished her the best in her homeschool journey.

 

Was she angry? Yep! Did she spread gossip and vitriol about our group? Yep? but she was doing those things while she was a member of the group, so that hasn't really changed.

 

What HAS changed is that the tension level at our activities has gone WAY down! I didn't realize how much constantly being on your guard takes out of you. It's much more pleasant to be at group classes or field trips. :)