It's been a long while since I checked in.......

[Needleroozer]

and it feels like there is so much going on in my life. I would just like to share.

 

First off, the Dude and I are doing fairly well right now, and that really helps. He is traveling 4 to 5 days a week, which I really dislike, so when he is here, I sorta feel like his shadow, lol. I just don't want to be apart from him at all. He even goes to the grocery store with me, which he hates, lol. Now that is love!

 

THe kids are ok. THe almost 18 yr old is not doing well in school, and still has some issues when it comes to how he's relating to me, but I am handling it better than I was in October. He just finished his speech and debate season, and did well, though not as well as he could have. I just do my best to find the good, and let him be responsible for himself as much as possible. It is extremely hard not to nag, but if I can just focus on being my own integrity, and not his, it helps.

 

THe Girl is doing well in school, and rocking in piano. SHe is doing between 2 and 3 hours of practice a day, and it is really paying off. She is beginning to be backtalky and rude, but I am coping with it as described above and handling it well.

 

The things I really want to get off my chest (because I am not facebooking them, so they feel kinda like secrets that no one knows I am dealing with, and I am feeling oppressed by no one knowing, if that makes any sense.) are as follows:

 

My mom. She is completely blind now, due to the macular degeneration.

In November, I tried to take her to the Dr., she threw a fit, assaulted me, and accused me of assaulting her. She has been delusional for the last 4 months, and I am her bad guy- she leaves death threats on my phone, sigh. My sisters have stepped up (FINALLY!), have been taking care of her (I have only seen Mom once since November, at a senior care lawyer's office), and are finally hearing me when I tell them what it has been like taking care of her singlehandedly for the last 4 years.

 

SHe has been formally diagnosed with 2 kinds of demensia, and is in the middle of the evaluations for same. Big Sis is working on guardianship and selling of mom's house, etc. I help out behind the scenes, as mom really gets freaked out when I am at her house (because I sneak in and steal stuff and clean stuff behind her back, lol). So much so she won't leave to even go to the grocery store with my sis, cuz she thinks I am lurking around the corner just waiting for her to leave.

 

THis has been a huge stress for me. We are working together to get her into a home, but it has been very hard. I am really grieving who she was, and our relationship. I am utilizing the counseling services and support groups of the Alzheimer's Assoc., but I still feel sad much of the time when I think of her. My younger sister is really freaked out by it all. She is planning a move to Eastern WA, no longer has my mom watch her son, and could live just fine with never seeing mom again. This adds another level to the stress my older sister and I are feeling with all the mom issues. I plan on visiting her once she is in the home, but those of you who know me, know I saw her just about daily, and really enjoyed her. This statement- that I am missing who she was, really makes my sisters shake their heads. We are all fairly upset that she (or the illness) won't let the natural caregiver in the family give her care.

 

The Dude has been going through a major health diagnosis (Hep C), and is ok, but I am still absorbing it all. Grieving his health, too.

 

Career changes: If you saw the post where I asked about postpartum doulas, you know that is what I am working towards. This is exciting, and will be rewarding, but right now is expensive and time- consuming, and a bit scary, making all these changes.

 

I am also grieving the loss of my oldest client- my 18 yr old ECE and sewing student, whom I have been working with for over 7 yrs now. She and I have a very unique thang going on, and I will really miss her.

 

I will also be quitting all respite care, including the before school care I do for my 11 yr old neighbor boy. His mom is in prison, so I feel badly for quitting, but his dad only pays me sporadically, and I need to be able to work in those early morning hours. I shouldn't feel responsibility or guilt over this one, but I do a bit.

 

I think the biggest thing I am venting about here is just all the grief, the changes, the sad endings, and the (little bit scary) exciting beginnings. It is just so much to wrap my head around, and so much to do. I feel a great deal of stress, which just locks me up. The painting helps, but sometimes I get so locked up I don't let myself start painting, and then the stress becomes a viscous cycle.

 

About the painting and art.... my goal is to fill up 13 (the amount I started with in January) canvases this year, and be ready to enter art shows and do a few group shows towards the end of this year, beginning of next. It means becoming committed to my art-making on a regular basis, and putting myself out there- both challenging but doable.

 

I also need to really commit to my health again- have gained back 10 pounds in just the last 2 months, and really cannot afford to. Need to make time for working out, and commit to it.

 

I know I can do all this, and handle all this, but it does feel a tad overwhelming at the moment. I know everyone here has tons on their plates, and that there are a lot more scary things going on that what I am dealing with.... I just wanted to *tell* someone, you know? To not feel like I am so alone in all that I am dealing with. My older sister is on Facebook, and I just don't feel like it is safe to be facebooking any of the mom stuff- even if I use humour, she may freak out.

 

Thanks for listening, I do appreciate it. Sometimes it isn't good to have secrets, especially stressful ones.

LB

[Impish]

:grouphug:

[Aubrey]

Good to hear from you. Sorry to hear about all the stress. My grmother took care of my gr-grparents for about 10 yrs, by herself. For the last yr or two, gr-grm thought grm was trying to kill her. And that Laurence Welk was trying to call to ask her to be on his show. :001_smile:

 

:grouphug: I only know what I've seen from grm, & from that, I think care of olders qualifies one for sainthood. She dealt w/ all the toddler issues I was dealing w/, plus many more lbs, and the fading instead of the blossoming. Plus the lifetime of happy memories, sad ones, etc., that play into relationships and make saying NO so much harder.

 

I don't know about Hep C, but I know health issues can be isolating, esp when they're not your own.

 

Paint. Not just to reach a goal, but to live.

[Mrs Mungo]

I'm so sorry that you're going through all of that. I can't imagine losing my mom in that way. I know how you feel with the travel, it's rough. If you need a shoulder, let me know. :grouphug:

[MamaSheep]

:grouphug:

[Needleroozer]

Good to hear from you. Sorry to hear about all the stress. My grmother took care of my gr-grparents for about 10 yrs, by herself. For the last yr or two, gr-grm thought grm was trying to kill her. And that Laurence Welk was trying to call to ask her to be on his show. :001_smile:

 

:grouphug: I only know what I've seen from grm, & from that, I think care of olders qualifies one for sainthood. She dealt w/ all the toddler issues I was dealing w/, plus many more lbs, and the fading instead of the blossoming. Plus the lifetime of happy memories, sad ones, etc., that play into relationships and make saying NO so much harder.

 

I don't know about Hep C, but I know health issues can be isolating, esp when they're not your own.

 

Paint. Not just to reach a goal, but to live.

 

I hear ya I would be very willing to take her on, if I had the support of my older sister, but without that, I just can't make it happen That is part of my sadness too I think. Also, how did your gram take care of someone who thought she was out to kill her? It has been impossible for me to even be around mom. My mom was not nice when she had all her brain cells working for her- she has a mean streak a mile long- the dementia makes it horrible.

 

Gosh it feels better just to know you know about it all now. How funny is that.

And thanks for the paint to live comment. I can do this, I can do this!

Edited April 2, 2010 by Needleroozer
spelling error

[Needleroozer]

I'm so sorry that you're going through all of that. I can't imagine losing my mom in that way. I know how you feel with the travel, it's rough. If you need a shoulder, let me know. :grouphug:

 

Thanks for the shoulder. I feel like I shouldn't complain at all about him being gone, I know it has to be even harder when they are gone for long periods of time, but honestly, having him home for 16 yrs and then having him gone for much of the last 4 has been very hard on me. I didn't knowingly sign up for this, and it is just so new to be navigating all this stuff on my own.

[Desert Rat]

:grouphug: to you Needleroozer. I'm so glad you have a safe place to share your burdens here. Boy do you have more than your fair share right now.

I second the previous poster that you need to paint to live. I've known enough artists to realize that it's like eating or breathing. You must create to be healthy.

I'll be sending peaceful thoughts your way and remember your mantra: Just keep swimming. Sometimes it's all you can do.

Hang in there!

[LizzyBee]

I'm sorry for all the losses and challenges in your life, but glad to hear of some new beginnings too. My dad had alzheimers, and I will never forget the day he looked at me and his eyes were blank; his personality was gone. It's so sad to go through that with our parents. :grouphug:

[WTMCassandra]

What strikes me is the how cogent and aware you are, delineating what the stressors are. I think that's a big step in the right direction of figuring out how to cope with them. You certainly are facing a lot of scary changes right now. Hugs to you, and how can I be there for you?

[Evergreen State Sue]

So glad you could come here to share. I hope you know you have WTM friends who care. It is a good thing you have your art/painting. I hope that will be a stress reliever for you. Blessings upon you and your family.

[Harriet Vane]

I'm so glad to hear from you, though I offer many :grouphug: for the ongoing intensity. I've always appreciated your perspective on this board.

 

I know what dementia is like. I watched it transform my grandmother, and watched a brain tumor cause dementia in my aunt. (My aunt and I grew up more as sisters as we are very close in age and our mothers had a business together.) It absolutely gutwrenchingly awful watching someone transform due to dementia. You have my fullest sympathy. Please know that I have lifted you in prayer today.

 

I like what Aubrey said--paint to live. May God bless you as you move forward.

[Aubrey]

I hear ya I would be very willing to take her on, if I had the support of my older sister, but without that, I just can't make it happen That is part of my sadness too I think. Also, how did your gram take care of someone who thought she was out to kill her? It has been impossible for me to even be around mom. My mom was not nice when she had all her brain cells working for her- she has a mean streak a mile long- the dementia makes it horrible.

 

Gosh it feels better just to know you know about it all now. How funny is that.

And thanks for the paint to live comment. I can do this, I can do this!

 

Well, g-grm was 93 when she died & pretty frail; grm is made of a little stouter stuff. BUT, g-grm had to be moved to a nursing home toward the end; before that, there was a nurse who'd come in periodically. Grm also had...*some* help from g-grf...but his idea of help sometimes was to see about getting a place for him & g-grm to move out so HE could be her caretaker. He didn't realize--& I think you should realize this, too--that *whoever* the primary caretaker is will likely bear the brunt of the dimentia. It would have broken his heart if ggrm had thought he was trying to kill her.

 

Also, ggrm's dimentia was more related to her pills. She thought the pink ones were deadly, & grm was trying to give her those. The nurse could get her to take more than grm could, & the drs worked w/ them on the color issue when they could. It's funny & heart-breaking at the same time. And it's not the big, broad death issues, imo, as much as the tiny little daily things, the tiny losses. The absence of the person who would have been grateful or embarrassed or at least kind. It seems like more than you can possibly do, & you do it & keep on doing it, & then...afterwards...you wish you could do it just one more day. Or just a little better, even when everyone tells you that you've loved & honored your parents in the dearest most life-giving way.

 

I imagine it's helpful to turn it around, & see the good you're doing for her as good that your kids might be someday doing for you, & the gratitude & kindness you know you'd feel if you could--believe that that's there in her somewhere. Because it is.

 

I'm sorry; I've got a little one who woke up too soon & is flipping out--

[Rosie_0801]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Rosie

[Needleroozer]

What strikes me is the how cogent and aware you are, delineating what the stressors are. I think that's a big step in the right direction of figuring out how to cope with them. You certainly are facing a lot of scary changes right now. Hugs to you, and how can I be there for you?

 

Thanks. I am trying. After reading the original post again, I feel like I sound stronger than I feel, kwim?

 

You help a great deal by listening. You've been there (on the phone, but there) through some of the rough stuff, and I really appreciate the way you listen and offer support without telling me what to do or making me or other family members wrong. You are a great listener, and it really, really helps!

[WTMCassandra]

Thanks. I am trying. After reading the original post again, I feel like I sound stronger than I feel, kwim?

 

You help a great deal by listening. You've been there (on the phone, but there) through some of the rough stuff, and I really appreciate the way you listen and offer support without telling me what to do or making me or other family members wrong. You are a great listener, and it really, really helps!

 

Oh, I am so glad to help in any small way! Call if you need to! Wish I lived closer to be of more concrete help more often.

[Needleroozer]

He didn't realize--& I think you should realize this, too--that *whoever* the primary caretaker is will likely bear the brunt of the dimentia.

Yes, that is what the Alzheimer's support group says too- that I get the brunt of it because I was the one there every day and trying to make changes to her care.

 

Also, ggrm's dimentia was more related to her pills.

 

My mom has a huge pill story too! It mostly involves not taking them, unfortunately, which just makes her condition worse.

 

It's funny & heart-breaking at the same time. And it's not the big, broad death issues, imo, as much as the tiny little daily things, the tiny losses. The absence of the person who would have been grateful or embarrassed or at least kind. It seems like more than you can possibly do, & you do it & keep on doing it, & then...afterwards...you wish you could do it just one more day. Or just a little better, even when everyone tells you that you've loved & honored your parents in the dearest most life-giving way.

 

Yeah, I hear ya. This part of it was really wearing me out. Although I miss her terribly, the 4 months break has really been good respite for me. I hate even saying that, but it has. And at the same time, yes, I just wish I could be with her.

 

I imagine it's helpful to turn it around, & see the good you're doing for her as good that your kids might be someday doing for you, & the gratitude & kindness you know you'd feel if you could--believe that that's there in her somewhere. Because it is.

 

This was a major part of my motivation for caring for her at first- that the kids will see this as an example. And I will think about that- that there is gratitude and kindness in her somewhere. That one is hard for me, because of how dysfunctional and abusive she was *before* the demensia kicked in, but I will try to remember that.

 

Thanks, Aubrey, and kiss all your sweet babies for me, kay?

[Needleroozer]

:grouphug: to you Needleroozer. I'm so glad you have a safe place to share your burdens here. Boy do you have more than your fair share right now.

I second the previous poster that you need to paint to live. I've known enough artists to realize that it's like eating or breathing. You must create to be healthy.

I'll be sending peaceful thoughts your way and remember your mantra: Just keep swimming. Sometimes it's all you can do.

Hang in there!

 

Thanks! I need to figure out how to turn the paint to live comment into a mantra too.

[Needleroozer]

I'm sorry for all the losses and challenges in your life, but glad to hear of some new beginnings too. My dad had alzheimers, and I will never forget the day he looked at me and his eyes were blank; his personality was gone. It's so sad to go through that with our parents. :grouphug:

 

:grouphug: back at ya. They help, don't they? And yes, lots of new beginnings. I think working with babies again will really help.

[Needleroozer]

Oh, I am so glad to help in any small way! Call if you need to! Wish I lived closer to be of more concrete help more often.

 

Know that the calls are a BIG help, and very concrete to me. And yes, I wish you lived closer, too, so I could help you out once in a while.

[Needleroozer]

So glad you could come here to share. I hope you know you have WTM friends who care. It is a good thing you have your art/painting. I hope that will be a stress reliever for you. Blessings upon you and your family.

 

Yes, the WTM is a big blessing! Thank you.

[Lovedtodeath]

I listened. :) I love your Mantra.

[Needleroozer]

I listened. :) I love your Mantra.

 

Thanks for listening! Yeah, I use it every day. I start humming it just like Dory was doing.......

:001_smile:

[Needleroozer]

Just wanna thank all y'all for "listening". I feel less isolated now, like I actually got to go have tea with a few girlfriends. This board has such a good community feel. I am blessed.

[MariannNOVA]

:grouphug: and prayers. I think you are amazingly focused and you show such strength. Bless you!:grouphug:

[Suzanne in ABQ]

Just wanna thank all y'all for "listening". I feel less isolated now, like I actually got to go have tea with a few girlfriends. This board has such a good community feel. I am blessed.

 

 

Sorry I couldn't post earlier. My little one has croup, and I spent most of the day in the shower! There's now mold growing on the walls. . .

 

But, Hey, it's not about me. It's about you! I just want to let you know that there's one more person out here who hears you, and wishes she could give you a real life hug. My mom turned 80 last week, and is helping take care of her sister, who is going through dementia. It is sad to watch, and sad to imagine it happening to my own mom. I feel for you, worrying about your mom, and your kids with their unique issues, and your supportive-but-absent dh. Please know for certain you are not alone. You will always have a place here! :grouphug: