Ladies I need some Christian guidance/advice

[delaney]

Ladies I am a grudge holder. I have always been this way. I don't let go of anger easily. I have the most spiteful and rotten neighbors this side of the Mississippi. See the problem? I see that it is jealousy that drives my neighbor's anger toward me but it is just not the wife but the 14 yr old daughter is nearly unbearable. I drive down the street and her and her friends flip me off, yell, make faces. It's constant. They have 4 wiener dogs that bark to the point that we are unable to use our deck b/c they can see us when we are on it. It has been a miserable 4 1/2 years since they moved in. We would move but our house is so upside down that we can't. Why should I give up my dream home?

Anyway, I need to learn to deal with and accept this anger/resentment/ rage...whatever. I just can't live this way anymore! I need suggestions for a bible study (preferably one I can download) to begin to find some kind of peace as well as any books you could recommend. Thanks in advance for your help!

[mommaduck]

I can't suggest any studies or books, and personally don't think they will change things just by reading them. You recognise your reactions. Others recognise your reactions also and it lead to continued whatever on their part. The best solution, even if it doesn't change THEM, is to change your own reactions. Also, is there something they have against you? Do they think you snub them or look down on them (I ask because you mention "jealousy"...sometimes ppl aren't jealous, rather they misread you as well and think that you may think that you are above them).

[Perry]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I can't help with the Christian perspective but I can suggest this for the dog problem:

 

Outdoor bark control

 

I haven't used it but have seen it recommended by someone here on these boards.

[OnTheBrink]

It sounds like you have the head knowledge, you just need the heart knowledge. And, I can completely relate. My advice: pray. Pray pray pray pray pray for God to change YOUR heart. When a negative (evil) thought comes into your head about them, immediately change it to a positive thought. Pray for them. Ignore the daughter's friends and their immature gestures.

 

What is it they're jealous of?

[delaney]

I can't suggest any studies or books, and personally don't think they will change things just by reading them. You recognise your reactions. Others recognise your reactions also and it lead to continued whatever on their part. The best solution, even if it doesn't change THEM, is to change your own reactions. Also, is there something they have against you? Do they think you snub them or look down on them (I ask because you mention "jealousy"...sometimes ppl aren't jealous, rather they misread you as well and think that you may think that you are above them).

It is a really long story but the short version is that when she moved in she wanted to fit in and it didn't happen. That she blamed it on me for some reason. My friends weren't interested in being friends with her b/c she sends up major red flags. Things like, "well my children would never do that" and then lecture you on how you are raising your kids wrong. Mind you this is to people she just met! My kids are smart, relatively well behaved, super social and well, hers have both learning and social issues. She has told people that I have been on a mission to ruin her life since she moved in! Really b/c with 6 of my own kids I am pretty sure I am too busy for that! Not sure what she is internalizing but I seem to be her target.:confused:

[Old Dominion Heather]

Perhaps you might want to concentrate on Christ's teaching in Luke 6?

[Orthodox6]

The very best, most effective practical advice I ever have received is to pray for the other person. No matter how negative I feel about him or her. Pray to God for His blessings to envelope, heal, and enrich that person (or those people). This does not mean "judgmental prayer", based upon gripes about that person. Just pray for that person to receive the very same love, mercy and compassion from God which God already is showing to you.

 

In the beginning, this can feel awkward, even distasteful. I guarantee, though, that when one prays dispassionately (eventually, with love) for the disliked person, the moment will arrive when one feels forgiveness -- without which [forgiveness] there is no freedom from the sin and bondage of negative feelings and thoughts. The other person may or may not change his actions or speech. But you shall have been released from the slavery of dislike/hatred/grudging/ whatever.

 

HTH.

[bkpan]

Ladies I am a grudge holder. I have always been this way. I don't let go of anger easily. I have the most spiteful and rotten neighbors this side of the Mississippi. See the problem? I see that it is jealousy that drives my neighbor's anger toward me but it is just not the wife but the 14 yr old daughter is nearly unbearable. I drive down the street and her and her friends flip me off, yell, make faces. It's constant. They have 4 wiener dogs that bark to the point that we are unable to use our deck b/c they can see us when we are on it. It has been a miserable 4 1/2 years since they moved in. We would move but our house is so upside down that we can't. Why should I give up my dream home?

Anyway, I need to learn to deal with and accept this anger/resentment/ rage...whatever. I just can't live this way anymore! I need suggestions for a bible study (preferably one I can download) to begin to find some kind of peace as well as any books you could recommend. Thanks in advance for your help!

 

 

 

Hmm, I also can't recommend any books, but I would encourage you to choose actions. So often it is our will that needs to be challenged, so that our emotions can follow. Have you thought about how you can change their opinion of you? For instance, how about baking a few dozen cookies, heading over to their house with the intention of apologizing for how you must have hurt them (intentional or not), and asking forgiveness? Radical, I know. But the power in that kind of humility!!!

 

Often our emotions and feelings will change after we battle our will and choose the right action. It IS a battle. But you can change the course of relationships, and maybe more importantly, you can change yourself. It is hard. HTH!

 

Kim

[asta]

You'll probably think this is really weird, but it's what came to my mind:

 

 

 

Especially the words

 

"There will be poor always

Pathetically struggling

Look at the good things you've got!"

 

 

a

[lionfamily1999]

There is this one woman that I bore a huge grudge against. I didn't trust her, I didn't like her and oops! I didn't really know her. I started off praying for her (in that 'God would you please fix her' sort of way). Then, I started praying for myself (God she's your creation and I SHOULD love her, help me to love her). Then, I stepped out of my comfort zone and started talking to her. I still wish, just a little, that she could find some amazing job or something in California, but I'm starting to warm up to her. The things she did that made me really deeply dislike her concealed a lot of things we had in common (imagine my surprise).

 

God doesn't want you to hate your neighbor, He wants you to love her. He wants you to be a shining beacon of Christianity to her and her family. Crow doesn't taste very good, but in some cases, you have to eat the crow before you can move on to the better stuff, like possibly becoming friends.

 

It only took me ten years so far :lol: You two should be best buddies in no time.

 

Really though, pray for yourself and pray for her soul.

[catalinakel]

I have found that memorizing and dwelling on this scripture has been helpful:

 

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger

clamor and evil speaking be put away from you

with all malice.

Be kind to one another,

tender hearted, forgiving one another,

just as God in Christ forgave you.

 

Ephesians 4:31-32

[babysparkler]

Have you thought about how you can change their opinion of you? For instance, how about baking a few dozen cookies, heading over to their house with the intention of apologizing for how you must have hurt them (intentional or not), and asking forgiveness? Radical, I know. But the power in that kind of humility!!!

 

I agree with Kim. This was my first thought too.

[Gratia271]

As others have suggested, pray for her. I have done this with many difficult people in my life. Some of them went on to change, but the bottom line is I changed. I have spent a large part of my life being resented due to jealousy (what others perceive my life is like). As some have posted, we do send out certain messages. God showed me that my reserved personality coupled with the fact that I am not the type who discloses much about my life or struggles can lead others to certain conclusions. Now they are not justified conclusions just like your neighbor's attitude toward you is not justified, but I have discovered that their perception is their reality. All I can change is me. God is the change agent for everyone else. I definitely empathize with what you are going through!

[delaney]

Thanks ladies! It will have to be me that changes b/c the relationship never will. Seeing that she just called the cops on us on Friday leads me to believe that showing up with cookies would be a bad idea;). Fortunately she has such a looooooong list of phone calls into the town police that they have gotten to where they apologize for bothering us, whoever, AGAIN for coming out due an "anonymous neighbor complaint". But my end I can certainly work on and it will be a long road for me.

[Alenee]

Hmm, I also can't recommend any books, but I would encourage you to choose actions. So often it is our will that needs to be challenged, so that our emotions can follow. Have you thought about how you can change their opinion of you? For instance, how about baking a few dozen cookies, heading over to their house with the intention of apologizing for how you must have hurt them (intentional or not), and asking forgiveness? Radical, I know. But the power in that kind of humility!!!

 

Often our emotions and feelings will change after we battle our will and choose the right action. It IS a battle. But you can change the course of relationships, and maybe more importantly, you can change yourself. It is hard. HTH!

 

Kim

 

This is exactly what I was thinking. I recently went to my former step-father after 17 years of not speaking to each other and apologized for the things I did that were hurtful to him. Mind you, there was plenty I could've said about what HE did to ME but that wasn't the point. It was an amazingly healing experience and just today I received another message from him reitterating his thankfulness to me for coming to him.

 

:grouphug:

[Parrothead]

I drive down the street and her and her friends flip me off, yell, make faces. It's constant.

Smile and wave. She will probably be gone in a couple years. Just smile and wave. Do not let her win. Refuse to let her win. They do that because they know it ticks you off.

 

Pray for the family.

 

Find out about annoyance dog ordinances in your town. Contact animal control. Sit on your back deck with ear buds in. Eventually the barking will drive the owner-lady crazy and she will make them shut up. Sit out there every day with the MP3 player running in your ears for several hours. When she sticks her head out of the house to see what the dogs are barking at, smile and wave.

 

It is one thing to be Christlike, but it is another to protect your sanity.

 

No, you won't change these people. The breeding obviously isn't there to begin with. They will have to want to change, which I seriously doubt will happen without the help of God. So pray for them, pray for your sanity, pray that God sends the Holy Spirit to move these people to move out of the neighborhood. And in the mean time, smile and wave. Let them wonder what the heck you are up to.

Edited March 25, 2010 by Parrothead

[Debbie in OR]

:grouphug:

 

Ugh. That sounds so miserable. I do have a book recommendation (normally I would go directly to Scripture but this book is so divinely inspired that I recommend it unabashedly.)

 

Grudge-holding is not my personal struggle (but there are oh so many others) but I was dealing with an issue that had been on-going and was not looking to change anytime soon. My dh bought this for me and it changed everything.

 

It's entitled Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall. If I could find my copy, I would send it to you. I've loaned it out a number of times and everyone who has read it, has bought their own copies (although whomever I loaned it to last apparently kept it!).

[Susan in KY]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I can't help with the Christian perspective but I can suggest this for the dog problem:

 

Outdoor bark control

 

I haven't used it but have seen it recommended by someone here on these boards.

:iagree: That's $40 I would spend in a heart beat.:D

[mcconnellboys]

I would save up and buy some arbor vitae or other similar trees to plant along that side of the fence to block my deck so that I could have some privacy.

 

I would make it a point to smile and wave whenever anyone did something ugly. Or just any time I see them. Just smile and wave. Don't exaggerate. Don't do anything more. Just always be nice and refuse to see if they are not being nice.

 

Here's a study of forgiveness that I think looks good:

 

http://www.acts17-11.com/forgive.html

 

I'm much like you, but have never really had such a problem as you. My problem is that I really have never truly forgiven my parents or other family members for their lack of love, involvement, etc. with me as I grew up (or even now, with my children, etc.). I tend to find it easier to forgive those with whom I am not really close. Its easy for me to let go regarding anything strangers do. It's much harder for me to forgive those who are so close to me who I feel have betrayed me (over and over).....oy..... so I really do see your dilemma. I wish I could tell you a surefire way to overcome....

[cranberrymom]

Pray for them. Jesus gives us that advice. They obviously need Jesus. This is a valley you are in, there will be a time when this changes. I had neighbor issues, I refused to let them make me angry. It took a while, but God did free me of it. Now I can look at them with no blackness in my own heart.

You admitting your problem is the big step, you are 1/2 way there. You are getting good advice.

Prayers go out to you.

[Lara in Colo]

I agree with the pray for your enemies approach. It has worked for me so much in the past. Think about it, if their lives are enriched, their focus is changed (and perhaps not on you). Maybe if they get better lives (more money they can more, God so they can forgive, love so they can feel love) they will be more kind people. But remember this: sometimes you need a miracle and sometimes you ARE the miracle.

 

Lara

[MamaSheep]

I think that little birdhouse is a FABULOUS idea. I may get one myself.

 

I'm in the camp of a) pray for them, and b) kill them with kindness. I know it's hard, though, as I've BTDT. Oh, yes indeed I have.

 

When you pray for them, try to find something specific about their life that you can pray for--something that if it were YOU, you'd want someone to pray over for you. (Not so much the "please help them be a better person so they won't pick on me anymore" kind of prayer, but more of the "I noticed that they have a new dent on their car, please help things be resolved quickly and favorably with the insurance company", or the "I heard those kids sassing their poor parents again, please help them find a way to communicate with each other better so they can build a strong and healthy relationship" kinds of things.) If you can't think of anything, ask God to help you see something in their lives that you could pray about, and then keep your eyes open. Also ask God to open your heart so you will genuinely want to pray FOR them and not just ABOUT them. (This may take a while, be patient.)

 

Then CHOOSE to act as though the person is a friendly acquaintance of yours at all times. You don't have to pretend they're your best friend, but you need to have the same look on your face and tone in your voice that you would use with someone you knew somewhat and actually liked. When they say or do something unpleasant, respond as though they had said something friendly instead, "Thanks, I'm doing well, how are you this afternoon?" or, "I know, this weather has been really great lately, hasn't it? Have you been out doing anything fun in it?" (Or whatever.) If they repeat it, you can say, "Oh, sorry I must have heard you wrong the first time." Then smile, wave, and walk away. Don't respond to the actual unpleasant thing they said, just do the friendly smile and wave and walk away thing. If you're feeling brave (and maybe even if you're not), you could do something even more drastic.

 

Drastic idea 1) Baked goods. Take some over sometime when it seems fairly peaceful over there. Say something like, "You know, we really seem to have gotten off on the wrong foot here. I'm really sad about that because you seem like such nice people [i KNOW. Say it anyway.] Do you think we could start over?" Maybe even add something, "I'm sincerely not sure what I've done that has made you so angry, but I would like for you to tell me so I can apologize." And then listen HUMBLY while they tell you. Then apologize. Sincerely. No excuses. (This is REALLY hard, and I think it's ok to try some of the other stuff first.)

 

Drastic idea 2) Sometime when the woman of the house has been really unpleasant to you, go over there with a smile on your face and a tub of Ben & Jerry's (or similar) in your hand. When she comes to the door, hand her the goodies and say, "Hi. It just seemed like you were having a really bad day today. I hate days like that. I thought it looked like you could use some ice cream. This is one of my favorite flavors and it always makes me feel better. I really hope your day gets better." Then just smile and walk away.

 

(If you try these, I would love to hear the results. It can be really interesting.)

 

A few relevant Bible verses to ponder:

Matthew 5:43-48 (see also Luke 6:28 & surrounding verses)

43 ¶ Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.

 

44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

 

45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.

 

46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?

 

47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?

 

48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.

 

A couple of thoughts on this one: My suggestions above are based primarily on verse 44. However, verse 45 is also important, as it gives the rationale for verse 44. Christians should be godly people; as our children model their behavior on ours, so should we model our behavior on that of our Father in Heaven who gives good things (sun and rain to make the crops grow) to everyone, regardless of whether they treat Him appropriately or not. God loves all, not just those who love Him, and we shold do the same. This rationale is repeated and expanded upon in verses 46-48. (It is also helpful to note that Bible scholars widely agree that the word translated as "perfect" in verse 48 is intended to be understood as meaning something like "complete" or "whole" or "consistent".)

 

Colossians 3:8

8 But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth.

 

Ephesians 4:29-32

29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.

 

30 And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.

 

31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:

 

32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.

 

 

Proverbs 15:18

18 A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife.

 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, 5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

 

6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

 

7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

 

 

Romans 14:19

19 Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another.

 

Matthew 5:9

9 Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.

 

1 Peter 3:8-11,16-17

8 Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous:

9 Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.

 

10 For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile:

 

11 Let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue it.

 

 

...

16 Having a good conscience; that, whereas they speak evil of you, as of evildoers, they may be ashamed that falsely accuse your good conversation in Christ.

 

17 For it is better, if the will of God be so, that ye suffer for well doing, than for evil doing.

 

 

 

Hope this helps, and good luck!

Edited March 26, 2010 by MamaSheep

[gaillardia]

:iagree:BTDT too. It can change how you feel without your even realizing it, it will soften your heart. It sounds like she is an unapproachable woman, but you don't know that. We don't always know what is written on someone else's heart either. Before I was even a praying type of person I prayed for the person I was having an issue with, and it worked for me. Just "please help". The scripture verses help us see things differently too.:thumbup1: