Responding to my kid's friends

[AngieC]

I need the collective wisdom of the Hive on this:

 

My kids (mostly the 5 year old) have a few friends that always need to be "better," "faster" or "smarter" than my kids are. For example, "I can ride a bike faster than you." "I can read better than you" "I'm a better swimmer than you."

 

The problem is a) so what if they are better at something, gloating about it isn't nice and b) they claims are not even true quite often!

 

How do I handle this without telling another kid, "as a matter a fact, dd is better at reading than you" or something along those lines. I don't want to put another child down, but at the same time, I don't like them trying to put my child down.

 

Also, how do I get my kids to understand that just because they are better at something, they don't need to tell others. I really want them to have the self confidence to KNOW they are good at things, but not feel need to proclaim it to the world. (At this point, my 5 year old doesn't, it's not her personality, but I can see the 3 year old eventually copying what he is hearing.)

Edited March 18, 2010 by AngieC

[Rebecca VA]

Are the friends saying these things to you? If they aren't, you don't need to respond. If they are boasting to you, you can smile politely (but unenthusiastically) and agree that they do these things well.

 

I don't think it's a big deal, personally. Your kids will probably get bored of hearing the bragging and either distance themselves from their friends or tell them they don't want to hear it. If they do get caught up in it, you can just tell them that boasting isn't pretty and you don't want to hear it from them.

[angela in ohio]

Maybe not the best option, but we taught our dc to say, "So?"

 

I would also discipline any child of mine who repeated such a statement. My dc have never picked it up, but then we talk frequently about comparisons and bragging and how rude they are. You could address it with your dc after the friend leaves.

 

If they are friends who you have a relationship with, you could tell the friends that it isn't polite, as well.

[MelanieM]

This happens here a lot with the boys next door (who we watch a couple days a week) and my 4yo. My boy likes to talk about his achievements as a way to get attention from the other boys, and they often talk about their achievements as a way to dismiss his excitement or knock him down a little.

 

My approach varies depending on the situation and the apparent motive. I will leave it alone if it's just a passing comment that I overhear, but I have to step in regularly as these boys escalate things into shouting matches or, worse, physical altercations.

 

The types of things I say:

 

"It doesn't matter who is better or faster, as long as everyone is having fun/doing their best."

 

"That's called gloating, and it isn't a very nice way to talk to our friends." (When they're really just out to upset each other.)

 

"Yes, you really are getting better at riding your skate board! You've come a long way this year over where you were last year." (When they're trying to express their own pride, but not quite doing it appropriately. I try to emphasize competition with self rather than competition with others.)

 

We have definitely had our rounds with this in the past year!

[AngieC]

No, they are not saying it to me, it's to my children.

 

The main reason I worry is because of my daughter's personality. I tend to think she believes what her friends say even when she shouldn't.

 

Thank you for the suggestions so far. Honestly, it never occurred to me to just say "gloating isn't nice." It's quite possible that this bothers me more than it does my dd.

[m0mmaBuck]

My boys have this competitve bent, and I see it in their friends as well. My daughter could care less. I wonder if some of it is the development of the masculine survival instinct... Better/stronger/faster = survival.

 

That said, I tend to approach it with the "Yes, you are getting better. You must really be practicing and working hard. That's great!" type statements. I also remind them that the others are improving as well and we want to encourage others to succeed, not bring them down.

[Sophia]

I remember this happening a lot with my older dc when they were that age.

We had many talks about how people who were insecure compensated by bragging.

 

My dc felt so sorry for these "insecure children" that they went out of their way to compliment them on their skills when the bragging got started.

 

I vividly recall my 14 y.o. (then 5) throw a swimming race against a little girl who could barely doggie paddle her way across the pool but bragged she was faster and better at swimming (my dd really was a good swimmer.) Dd threw the race because she felt the other girl needed the encouragement.

 

Everyone knew who could really swim and who still needed to acquire skills.

 

Stuff like this happened often enough that my dc learned to let the bragging roll off their backs and gradually avoided the kids who got really annoying.

Edited March 18, 2010 by Sophia
clarity

[LauraGB]

We had many talks about how people who were insecure compensated by bragging.

 

My dc felt so sorry for these "insecure children" that they went out of their way to compliment them on their skills when the bragging got started.

 

 

 

:iagree: This situation is a great learning tool for your dc. They can see full scale the effects of bragging.

 

As for the other kids, I used to (and still occasionally do need to) say something light like, "Everyone is super fantastic at something - glad to know you are good at ______," and leave it for thier parents to deal with.

[cougarmom4]

We used it as a great example of what NOT to do for our kids. They became so annoyed with how their friends always did this, and we had enough conversations about how it was rude and not enjoyable for others.

 

We also taught the kids a way to handle it--first, try just being nice and say something like, Oh, wow. That's great. If they keep going, try saying something like Yeah, I like to do that, too. Isn't it fun when x and y happens? Maybe change the subject, maybe ask a question about how they learned to be so good. It takes a little thinking on your toes, but what a great skill for our kids to learn! If the kid keeps up the bragging...then comes the "So?" And then give them the words to explain to the kid why it's not nice to talk like that all the time.

[elise1mds]

Having an Asperger's kid is great for moments like this. There have been kids who have done that to my son, and he'll just kind of stare at them, blink, and say - in a very monotone voice, "Ok."

 

Completely throws the braggarts off balance. He has done it to his sister a few times, and she quit on her own because the wind had been taken out of her sails.

[Twinmom]

When this happens around our house, I always say something like, "I'm happy for you, but it's not a competition!"

[LibraryLover]

Your children's friends are 3 and 5, I assume? I would handle this with gentleness and kindness. Some little kids, especially boys, love biggest , fastest, bestest. ;) It seems to be a typical developmental stage for a lot of children, so I wouldn't be unkind or think there is something wrong with the kids, or that that are not parented with love. Tell them ' Remember, we are enjoying each other's company. We are not having a contest. I can see you are fast and smart. You all are. Let's all have fun and use kind words with each other". If one says 'I am the fastest!' and it bothers you, say "You are fast, you are all getting very strong!" Don't fret over it, don't send out bad vibes or work yourself up. Your acceptance of their young need to be as fast as superman, with gentle verbal redirection will sink in if they are at your place enough. They don't always understand that their words make such a huge impression on others. They are so young.

 

Make sure, too, that you never say things like, "Lets see who can get to the car fastest". You can say , "lets set the timer and see how quickly we can help each other put these toys away before you go home". Try to get them to be a team if they are going to be together frequently.

Edited March 18, 2010 by LibraryLover

[sassenach]

I need the collective wisdom of the Hive on this:

 

My kids (mostly the 5 year old) have a few friends that always need to be "better," "faster" or "smarter" than my kids are. For example, "I can ride a bike faster than you." "I can read better than you" "I'm a better swimmer than you."

 

The problem is a) so what if they are better at something, gloating about it isn't nice and b) they claims are not even true quite often!

 

How do I handle this without telling another kid, "as a matter a fact, dd is better at reading than you" or something along those lines. I don't want to put another child down, but at the same time, I don't like them trying to put my child down.

 

Also, how do I get my kids to understand that just because they are better at something, they don't need to tell others. I really want them to have the self confidence to KNOW they are good at things, but not feel need to proclaim it to the world. (At this point, my 5 year old doesn't, it's not her personality, but I can see the 3 year old eventually copying what he is hearing.)

 

My son is like this. He is competitive down to the very fiber of his being. He also has that amazing confidence that boys seem to be born with. I am CONSTANTLY talking to him about his comments to other kids. My only advice would be to gently remind the offenders that there is no bragging at your house. I tell my son to use encouraging words when playing with other kids. So now he is an awesome cheerleader AND a bragger:confused:. If I'm being honest, I'd say don't hold your breath. No amount of coaching has cured my son of this. I'm really praying that with maturity he'll be able to self reflect and see his rudeness. In the meantime, I just keep correcting him!