Teen DS is really smart and making bad grades

[RoughCollie]

My son is highly intelligent. He goes to PS, 10th grade, honors classes.

 

He should be making straight As. Instead, he is making a several C's, a D or two, a B or two. This has been going on since we put him in parochial school for the 8th grade.

 

He always has an excuse for why he hasn't turned in missing work, for which he receives a zero. Usually, he has either lost it or (if out sick) forgot to ask the teacher what he needed to turn in, or waited too long to turn the work in to receive credit (2 months).

 

He just made a 64 on the honors geometry final. To me, this proves that he does not know the material. His latest (and brand spanking new) excuse is that he "spaced out" during the final for 15 minutes and thus did not have time to answer 17 questions. While he was spaced out, he was thinking about how he would do on the test.

 

He asked me if he should be tested for ADD.

 

Well, why? This problem has never come up before and he is nearly 16 years old.

 

I am so tired of dealing with this over 2.5 years of schooling. He ended up in PS, btw, because I expelled him from HS after he refused to do any work for months on end. Refused! Sat there and did not do the work!

 

I reiterate that this kid is highly intelligent.

 

Should I have him tested for something?

 

I have tried reminding him, checking homework, etc., but he just get angry and balks and assures me over and over that he is making A's. He constantly brags about how much he knows compared to the other students. He constantly complains about how boring school is. I buy that merely because I was always bored in primary and secondary school too.

 

These bad grades will be on his transcript and will not serve him well when he applies to college.

 

We have no money and cannot afford to pay for college, so I guess our hopes that our bright boy would get a scholarship have gone out the window.

 

What do I do? Where does my responsibility lie? How do I motivate someone who is not willing to jump through the hoops and do the work and learn the material?

 

I tried turning it over to DH, but DH is not following up at all, beyond lectures about the importance of a college education and good grades = scholarships + admission to a good college.

 

I feel that I am the one who should be blamed for this because I am his mother. I must have done something wrong to end up with this problem DS.

 

So, please tell me what I should do. What is my responsibility to do? It is too late to go back in time and fix whatever mistakes I made.

 

Thanks for your help and advice. I am so upset about this.

 

RC

[Cammie]

[quote name=RoughCollie;1425788

 

My son is highly intelligent. He goes to PS' date=' 10th grade, honors classes.

 

He should be making straight As. Instead, he is making a several C's, a D or two, a B or two. This has been going on since we put him in parochial school for the 8th grade.

 

I reiterate that this kid is highly intelligent.

 

I feel that I am the one who should be blamed for this because I am his mother. I must have done something wrong to end up with this problem DS.

 

 

First :grouphug::grouphug: it can be incredibly frustrating when a child is not living up to the potential you see for him! Second, of course this is not something you should be blamed for! This is simply life, and family, and children. We all have our challenges with out children - that doesn't mean any of us did anything wrong!

 

A number of comments in your post raised red flags for me based on a chapter I just read in a book called NurtureShock. The premise of the chapter is why our highly intelligent chidren often cannot/do not live up to that label. It was a VERY eye opening chapter for me in terms of dealing with my DD who is also very smart and in terms of facing some of the challenges I have faced in my own life.

 

Basically, the authors reviewed tons of scientific data that showed that the more a kids is told he is smart, praised for his intelligence, etc, the more they will be afraid to fail, afraid to take chances, and most of all afraid to be found out to be "not smart." They way this plays out is that the smart kid will give himself excuses for poor performance - sabatouge themselves so to speak. If you don't turn in the homework and get a bad grade that is ok (just means you were lazy) but if you turn it in and get a bad grade it means you are not smart. The worst thing for these kids is to be found out to be "not smart."

 

I notice with myself that my procrastination habit stems from this very fear. If I don't give myself time to do something well, I can excuse a poor performace due to lack of time. If I give myself plenty of time and still don't do well - it means I wasn't smart enough to do it it the first place.

 

My daughters perfectionist tendencies run along the same lines...I don't want to try it unless I can do it perfectly the first time.

 

Learning this about myself and my DD has been an eye opener. We now praise effort and the attempt to try something new and difficult instead of praising smartness.

 

I would recommend picking up the book. I am sure it is not too late! The authors and the scientists were able to impact the thought processes of children in as little as one or two interactions where effort was praised instead of inteligence.

 

There is another chapter in the book on sleep habits and teenagers. You might want to check that out as well. It was ASTOUNDING the changes that have been reported in teens from just allowing them to sleep in one extra hour in the morning. SAT scores soared, personalities changed, motivation increased.

 

Good luck!

 

[Pammy]

her achievement tests are all high scoring, and I know that she is capable of making excellent grades. She procrastinates and has some problems concentrating. She is also a perfectionist. I put my two little ones in school so that she wouldn't be distracted during the day.. and it hasn't helped. I am at a loss too. I have disciplined her, withheld her phone, computer, etc to no avail.

 

I have given up hope on her getting scholarships too. The only chance I think she may have is if I put her the school of her choice. I don't know how I will afford it though.

[Perry]

:grouphug:

I just posted something similar on the HS board. My dd is very bright, but highly disorganized, and she always has an excuse for why something wasn't done or was done poorly. This is what brought my dd's grades up last semester:

 

We took away all gadgets- she lost the phone, ipod, & laptop, and I changed her FB password. During the week, she was allowed to do required school activities (concerts, pom practice) and dance, but no other social activities at all. In order to leave the house on the weekends, she had to receive a B on all work for the week. And she had to do it without attitude. We also told her that if she didn't receive a B in all classes on her report card she wouldn't be able to try out for poms next year. Her life revolves around dance and poms, so this was highly motivating.

 

She was shut down for about 6 weeks before she had her first weekend with privileges. She eventually did bring her grades up and by the end of the semester wasn't having any late or forgotten assignments.

 

Unfortunately, she is off to a bad start this semester. We had a conversation tonight, and I'm hoping she will get it together more quickly this time.

 

Our school uses Power School (an online grade tracker) so it is very easy for me to know what's going on.

 

 

Good luck. It is so frustrating!

[RoughCollie]

NurtureShock.

 

There is another chapter in the book on sleep habits and teenagers.

 

 

I will get the book, Cammie, thanks for recommending it.

 

I know about teenagers and their sleep requirements and cycles, and I have educated my children about it. I do think DS needs more sleep, and melatonin doesn't work for him. He has to get up at 6 a.m. in order to catch the bus. He goes to bed around 9 or 9:30 pm, but I have no idea whether he actually goes to sleep then or not. He doesn't have a t.v. or computer in his room, though.

[Parrothead]

Your ds sounds like someone I knew in high school. Me. I was bored out of my mind. I was at school to socialize and nothing more.

 

Can you find out what interests him? He may not know. Or he may change interests several times over the next couple of years. Is there a vo-tech school he can go to if he has an interest? Can you bring him back home for English and math and let him educate himself on the other subject? Maybe let him specialize in something. Do you think he would educate himself if given the opportunity?

[RoughCollie]

Thanks for your replies Pammy and Perry.

 

We have gone through several sessions over the last 2.5 academic years in which we have removed all privileges. It does no good. DS acts like he does not care.

 

Right now, our kids are not allowed to use computers for personal use, video games and television on school nights. This was supposed to help.

 

We are accused of removing all of their enjoyment from life. What we are trying to do is force them to focus on either schoolwork and on pursuits that do not involve electricity or the internet.

 

Tonight, DH said he wants to disallow use of these things until June.

 

I'm not sure about that. We moved here in July and the boys have made very few friends here, even the DS who is in PS.

 

I just don't want to turn their lives into complete misery by completely forbidding the things they enjoy.

[RoughCollie]

Can you find out what interests him? Do you think he would educate himself if given the opportunity?

 

Chucki, I know what interests him. He plans to become either a surgeon or an engineer.

 

If given the opportunity, DS will sleep until 2-3 p.m., and then get on the internet until sleepiness overtakes him once more.

 

He hated being homeschooled. He is all talk and no action.

 

Even with poor grades in 9th grade, he convinced the guidance counselor at his new school (we moved from MA to PA) to put him in honors classes because he is so smart.

 

Really, he ought to go into sales. He can talk an Eskimo into buying an icebox, as my Mom would say.

 

So, to sum up, I've tried:

(1) putting him in a regular school setting

(2) restricting him from internet, t.v., video games

(3) paying him for A's and B's

(4) providing him with a desk of his own

(5) providing him with a computer he shares with DD (instead of with all siblings)

(6) making sure he has an ample supply of magazine subscriptions and current books that fit his interests

(7) offering to tutor him (he gets real mean and won't cooperate)

(8) telling him either his Dad or I will drive him or pick him up from anyplace he wants to go

(9) telling him that his friends are welcome here, with food of his choice provided for them

Edited January 13, 2010 by RoughCollie

[Parrothead]

Parrothead, I know what interests him. He plans to become either a surgeon or an engineer.

 

If given the opportunity, DS will sleep until 2-3 p.m., and then get on the internet until sleepiness overtakes him once more.

 

He hated being homeschooled. He is all talk and no action.

 

Even with poor grades in 9th grade, he convinced the guidance counselor at his new school (we moved from MA to PA) to put him in honors classes because he is so smart.

 

Really, he ought to go into sales. He can talk an Eskimo into buying an icebox, as my Mom would say.

Does he have a job?

 

That was my first thought when I read the above. Maybe he needs to experience what it is like to hold down an entry level, minimum wage job. If he hates it, it might motivate him to get on the ball. If he loves it and can make a career out of it, more power to him.

[RoughCollie]

Does he have a job?

 

No he does not have a job. There are no jobs here in the middle of nowhere, PA.

 

This area is filled with people on unemployment and welfare. The demographics are discouraging -- 92% of the adults have only a high school education or less.

 

The entry level jobs (fast food and the like) are taken by high school graduates because most of them do not go on to college and they like living here.

 

I suggested he go to one of the farms around here to see if he could get hired on, but he is a city kid and has no interest in that at all. Period. He won't even discuss it.

 

We have recently moved from a middle to upper middle class suburb of Boston to rural PA. I would think the move, coupled with culture shock, has made a difference in DS's grades, except that his grades have not changed from what they were in Boston.

Edited January 13, 2010 by RoughCollie

[RoughCollie]

DS wants to take an I.Q. test.

 

Should I arrange for him to do so?

 

He wants to know his I.Q.

 

Do you think it would be helpful to him, to have proof that he is really smart?

 

My concerns are:

 

(1) He would brag about it, especially to his siblings.

 

(2) Maybe DH and I are wrong and his I.Q. isn't high -- wouldn't that be discouraging to DS? Is that a significant risk, though?

[OrganicAnn]

You have double posts. So you might check the responses to the other post too.

 

Re: IQ. Siblings IQs tend to be close in range, so chances are if he has a high IQ, then they will too. So nothing to hold over his siblings. Some kids get the fear of failure from having a high IQ, so they won't push themselves. From what you described, I wouldn't about him developing this. You never know how people will respond to IQ info. I would only test if you thought you could learn something that would help him. You might try making him take the ACT or the SAT. Tell him that it is comparable to the IQ (even if it isn't it might get him studying).

Edited January 13, 2010 by OrganicAnn

[RoughCollie]

You have double posts.

 

Thanks for telling me. I just noticed that.

[Cammie]

I think I might first get him evaluated for depression. Sounds like the move was dramatic and things not going so well at school. Sleeps till 2-3 and then still gets sleepy later on? Classic depression. That might be a first step!

[EKS]

I wouldn't have him take an IQ test simply because he wants to know his IQ. Just reading your posts about him, it doesn't sound as if he is mature enough to understand that a high IQ is most decidedly NOT the only deciding factor in becoming a successful person. In fact, there are other things (that he seems to be lacking at the moment) that are far more important.

 

When he is an adult and if he still wants to take an IQ test, then by all means, he can take one and pay for it himself. Has he already taken the online ones? What evidence does he have that his IQ is high? I mean that he can see for himself, and not from people telling him.

[RoughCollie]

I think I might first get him evaluated for depression.

 

Okay, as soon as we get health insurance (in a couple of months, I hope), I will. Thanks for pointing that out.

 

When he sleeps until 2-3 it is because he stays up half the night. It doesn't happen often because I won't let it. Plus, he gets up at 6 to get ready for school.

 

All my boys are night owls. I remain the only mother I know whose infants did not wake up in the morning until 10 or 11 a.m.

[RoughCollie]

What evidence does he have that his IQ is high? I mean that he can see for himself, and not from people telling him.

 

His evidence is that (1) I.Q. is inherited (he hopes); (2) comparisons he makes about himself versus other kids his age -- vocabulary, reading level, interests, ideas, prodigious memory.

 

The differences he can see between himself and his peers are especially glaring in this place we have moved to (place = main town + tons of farm hamlets). Put it this way, there is a sign on the high school's front door that they will have the majority of the kids reading at grade level by 2016.

[RoughCollie]

Re: IQ. Siblings IQs tend to be close in range, so chances are if he has a high IQ, then they will too. So nothing to hold over his siblings.

 

He has been lording his superiority over his siblings since he found out from his first grade teacher that (1) he is a triplet, and (2) he was born first (45 minute head start). He thinks of himself as being the oldest child and therefore at the top of the pecking order. I have never been able to eradicate or even curtail this trait.

 

He knows that DH & I think I.Q. is basically an inherited trait and that all of our children are very smart. His advantage over his brothers, from what I can tell, is that he does not have Asperger's Syndrome or Nonverbal Learning Disorder.

Edited January 13, 2010 by RoughCollie

[RoughCollie]

What about the Mensa Home Test? It is a pre-test, snail-mailed and returned to Mensa for grading.

 

Should I let him take that? It is for ages 14 and over.

 

His father and I qualify for Mensa, although we have not joined, so I wonder if that would be harmful to DS, especially if he did not qualify. He has been quite insistent about knowing his I.Q.

[Liz CA]

Does he have a job?

 

That was my first thought when I read the above. Maybe he needs to experience what it is like to hold down an entry level, minimum wage job. If he hates it, it might motivate him to get on the ball. If he loves it and can make a career out of it, more power to him.

 

Bingo! That is the first thing that came to my mind. Let him find out what it's like to flip burgers and the possibility to have to do that for the rest of his life. It's been known to have motivated quite a few young ones.

[RoughCollie]

Frankly, I think I have ruined my children, and the birds have come home to roost now that they are teenagers.

[Jean in Newcastle]

At this age, you can't really force him, I don't think. I mean, you can take away privileges and all, but if he digs his feet in, then you're stuck.

 

Having said that, I would sit down with him (or take a walk with him - walking always was a less stressful way for Mom to talk to me when I was a teen), and I would say some pretty straight things to him.

 

1. It doesn't matter what you COULD do, it matters what you DO.

 

2. The decisions he makes now does impact his immediate future. I would show him (or ask the Guidance counselor to show him if you could trust the Guidance counselor to give straight information) exactly what GPA he would need to get into different colleges. And what GPA or other requirements those same schools have for scholarships.

 

3. I would give him the opportunity to ask for (but I would want him to make that step) a book like "Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens" http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=Seven+habits+teen&x=0&y=0 I see from this link that there are workbooks that you can get to go along with the actual book.

 

4. I would tell him that Rome wasn't built in a day. This is a character issue. And he needs to focus on each task, each small step and simply DO IT. I would remind him of Thomas Edison's quote, "“Success is 10 percent inspiration and 90 percent perspiration.â€

 

5. And frankly I would tell him that when he is ready for college, that you will support him (emotionally, physically with food, a place to stay if it is close by, and finances if at all possible) if he is actually in school or has a responsible job. But if he chooses not to go to school or work as a responsible adult then you will ask him to leave. (P.S. I would only say this if you and your dh talked about this and were in 100% agreement with it. I've known other parents with kids in this exact same predicament who have had it come to this.)

[RoughCollie]

Bingo! That is the first thing that came to my mind. Let him find out what it's like to flip burgers and the possibility to have to do that for the rest of his life. It's been known to have motivated quite a few young ones.

 

I agree. But there are no burger-flipping jobs open here.

[RoughCollie]

1. It doesn't matter what you COULD do, it matters what you DO.

 

2. The decisions he makes now does impact his immediate future.

 

3. I would give him the opportunity to ask for (but I would want him to make that step) a book like "Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens"

 

4. I would remind him of Thomas Edison's quote, "“Success is 10 percent inspiration and 90 percent perspiration.”

 

5. And frankly I would tell him that when he is ready for college, that you will support him (emotionally, physically with food, a place to stay if it is close by, and finances if at all possible) if he is actually in school or has a responsible job. But if he chooses not to go to school or work as a responsible adult then you will ask him to leave.

 

Hi Jean. I have done all of those things already.

 

If DS read this, he would think that you are a clone of me. Except I bought the book & workbook set for each of my kids when they turned 13.

[Cammie]

What about the Mensa Home Test? It is a pre-test, snail-mailed and returned to Mensa for grading.

 

Should I let him take that? It is for ages 14 and over.

 

His father and I qualify for Mensa, although we have not joined, so I wonder if that would be harmful to DS, especially if he did not qualify. He has been quite insistent about knowing his I.Q.

 

 

I guess I would asked what would be gained by doing it? Is it going to improve his work ethic? His attitude? His discipline? His grades? I don't see how it would. What he REALLY needs to understand is that smart does NOT equal successful. Hard work does. He can be smart and do nothing with his life. Or he can be whatever he is, work really hard, make a great impression on people and possibly do something he really loves.

 

Now that you state that other 2 brothers have some disabilities it certainly makes the case for having him tested generally I would think.

 

Somehow the focus needs to switch from how "smart" he is to whether or not he is performing adequately. If his whole identity is wrapped up in being smarter or somehow intellectually superior this is going to be a tough change for him.

[Peela]

Have you any idea how many brilliant people didnt do well at school? It doesn't appeal to them. It doesn't mean his life is wasted.

If you kicked him out of homeschooling for not doing his work, why do you think he would work at school with even less supervision?

He is a normal, healthy kid with an attitude, by the sounds of it. School doesn't appeal to him and he is not motivated by your approval or grades- many kids are . Thats not actually a bad thing- he may be more of a free thinker and care less what people think. He is ok. I think you need to accept him more, accept yourself more, stop taking it all so personally (harder said than done, I realise) and just look for the next step. If you react to him all the time, you destroy your relationship with him. Grades are not worth having a bad relationship with your kid over.

I don't know the answer..if the only outcome that makes you happy is good grades, there may or may not be a clear answer. Maybe you can withdraw priveleges, give pep talks or whatever. But if the outcome is a kid who is finding their own way in life, who knows he is loved for who is is no matter what- and not what grades he gets- and feels free to follow his own dreams and not yours for him....then maybe he is on a path unique to him and perfect and you just didn't realise it yet.

A 16yo friend of the family came to us for counselling recently because he kept playing truant and just didnt want to be at school. His mum was at her wits end so she brought him for counselling with my dh, who wanted me there too. Dh spoke to the kid, found out his aspirations, and within an hour the kid had realised himself that in order to get where he wanted to get- which was an entrepreneur of sorts...finishing the last weeks of school this year was hugely important. Then he could go to community college next year instead of school. He was happy. His mum was so fixated on university and this kid had lost all aspiraiton to please her and do what she wanted along with his child's body.

I tihnk it helps to step back from what we want for our kids when they get older, and get in tune with them and what they want for themselves, even it its not conventional and they dont have a clear picture.

[RoughCollie]

What he REALLY needs to understand is that smart does NOT equal successful. Hard work does. He can be smart and do nothing with his life. Or he can be whatever he is, work really hard, make a great impression on people and possibly do something he really loves.

 

Now that you state that other 2 brothers have some disabilities it certainly makes the case for having him tested generally I would think.

 

We've told him that all his life. He doesn't seem to get it.

 

The school guidance counselors in the past didn't want to test DS1 because he doesn't need it. He doesn't have any warning signs of ADD, ADHD, or autism spectrum disorders.

 

I'm going to talk to his new guidance counselor tomorrow, though.

[RoughCollie]

I tihnk it helps to step back from what we want for our kids when they get older, and get in tune with them and what they want for themselves, even it its not conventional and they dont have a clear picture.

 

He wants to be a brain surgeon, physicist, or engineer. He has a very clear picture about that.

 

He did not take these career choices from DH & I. We have not steered our children in the direction of any career (except I have urged them not to become lawyers). I tell my other kids, who have not decided what they want to do when they grow up, that there is plenty of time to decide.

 

But time is getting short for DS1 if he really wants to achieve his dreams, the ones he thought up all by himself. We are not welding him to these dreams or holding his feet to the fire. He has to produce and we have given him every opportunity to be able to do so that we can afford.

 

Now, were it up to me -- if we had the $$ or he had the grades to get a scholarship -- I'd put him in a high school that is far less traditional, like this one:

http://www.sudval.org/

 

DH would have him placed in a very highbrow academic setting like Phillips Academy in Andover, MA. http://www.andover.edu/Pages/default.aspx

Edited January 13, 2010 by RoughCollie

[Cammie]

We have not steered our children in the direction of any career (except I have urged them not to become lawyers).

 

:lol::lol: As a recovering lawyer, I couldn't agree more!

[RoughCollie]

:lol::lol: As a recovering lawyer, I couldn't agree more!

 

I am a lawyer, too.

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

I would release myself from responsibility for his grades and school work.

 

Seriously. I was very much like this as a teen. I don't think he will change at all until he recognizes his own responsibilities and and accepts them. I also don't think any thing you can do will change things. It must be internal.

 

I think you should remove any expectations and reward systems and tell him you have done all you know to do now he is on his own scholastically, with an open offer to give any help needed...if he comes to you for help. Then just be there as a support person without judgement. This would probably be one of the hardest things you could do, but it may be the only way he will wake up. (figuratively speaking) Even then, I wouldn't guarantee it. Speaking from experience, it may be years before he truly gets his act together. That doesn't mean you can't set boundaries though. All my kids have been told what we can afford for college and that if they aren't in school they WILL be doing some kind of work and paying room and board to live in our house.

 

The stress on a 16yo who is being told that their whole life may depend on what they do in the next 2 years is absolutely incredible and frightening. Besides that it just isn't true. There are many paths to the same goal, even if those paths look tortuous to us.

 

And there is always one of my favorite quotes,"Hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard."

 

All this has been my personal opinion. I wish the best for you and your son. I've been through those years with a couple of kids already and am about to do it again. It's probably been more educational for me than for them. :-P

[MIch elle]

Have you any idea how many brilliant people didnt do well at school? It doesn't appeal to them. It doesn't mean his life is wasted.

If you kicked him out of homeschooling for not doing his work, why do you think he would work at school with even less supervision?

He is a normal, healthy kid with an attitude, by the sounds of it. School doesn't appeal to him and he is not motivated by your approval or grades- many kids are . Thats not actually a bad thing- he may be more of a free thinker and care less what people think. He is ok. I think you need to accept him more, accept yourself more, stop taking it all so personally (harder said than done, I realise) and just look for the next step. If you react to him all the time, you destroy your relationship with him. Grades are not worth having a bad relationship with your kid over.

I don't know the answer..if the only outcome that makes you happy is good grades, there may or may not be a clear answer. Maybe you can withdraw priveleges, give pep talks or whatever. But if the outcome is a kid who is finding their own way in life, who knows he is loved for who is is no matter what- and not what grades he gets- and feels free to follow his own dreams and not yours for him....then maybe he is on a path unique to him and perfect and you just didn't realise it yet.

A 16yo friend of the family came to us for counselling recently because he kept playing truant and just didnt want to be at school. His mum was at her wits end so she brought him for counselling with my dh, who wanted me there too. Dh spoke to the kid, found out his aspirations, and within an hour the kid had realised himself that in order to get where he wanted to get- which was an entrepreneur of sorts...finishing the last weeks of school this year was hugely important. Then he could go to community college next year instead of school. He was happy. His mum was so fixated on university and this kid had lost all aspiraiton to please her and do what she wanted along with his child's body.

I tihnk it helps to step back from what we want for our kids when they get older, and get in tune with them and what they want for themselves, even it its not conventional and they dont have a clear picture.

 

He will live with the consequences of HIS actions. You have tried to help him that IS your responsibility and you've DONE it. LET GO! :grouphug:

[In The Great White North]

Has he looked at any colleges yet? Colleges that offer the degrees he will need to be a surgeon or engineer? Especially at their prerequisites and the average grades of the incoming class? Ds(18) got a lot more interested in his grades once he saw what the college of choice required. Made me wish we had started applying a year earlier.

 

Does he have anything he really likes doing (off the Internet)? Maybe an outside activity (Scouts, CAP, volunteer fire department, etc)? Something he likes well enough to work at? Something with other adults (because obviously parents don't know anything!) to show him how important working hard is?

 

How old is he? How about taking a few CLEP tests and the GED, and going to a CC next year?

[Parrothead]

We have recently moved from a middle to upper middle class suburb of Boston to rural PA. I would think the move, coupled with culture shock, has made a difference in DS's grades, except that his grades have not changed from what they were in Boston.

So he isn't thinking "why do I have to work as hard as the bumpkins?"

 

No he does not have a job. There are no jobs here in the middle of nowhere, PA.

Okay, have you thought about steering him toward the military? If anyone can teach a work ethic it is the military. Find out where he can take the ASVAB. He doesn't have to enter the military if he takes the test, but his scores are good for a couple years after the test.

 

I read the rest of the your posts. From the sound of it he isn't interested in what you are your dh say. He wants confirmation from an outside source. Let him talk to a recruiter.

 

If he enlists there is money available for college when his time is over.

 

And if the is no interest in the military, have him talk to some of the professionals in his area of interest. Find an engineer and let the engineer tell him that he needs to suck it up and do the academics.

[RoughCollie]

How about taking a few CLEP tests and the GED, and going to a CC next year?

 

We don't know any adults here. CAP is a good idea. I bookmarked the site of the local organization and I'll show it to him when he gets home. He was a Boy Scout for years, and does not have any interest in it now.

 

I downloaded the German Clep materials yesterday, and he is going to study German on his own (he is far ahead of the kids in his German I class because languages come easily to him).

 

He can go to community college next year if his grades are in the top 5% of his class, according to the guidance counselor. He wants to go, but his grades aren't high enough.

Edited January 13, 2010 by RoughCollie

[RoughCollie]

And if the is no interest in the military, have him talk to some of the professionals in his area of interest.

 

Hey, that's a good idea. Maybe I can find a surgeon, an engineer and a physicist who will let DS tag along with them for a day.

 

Military is out, unless he is an officer. DH & I are former Army and Air Force brats, and that's just the way it is.

 

The "bumpkins" are doing better in school than he is. That's because the bumpkins know they'd better both do their assignments & turn them in.

[CAMom]

:grouphug: I haven't read the responses yet but just wanted to say, "Did I write this post?" Ahhh...I guess not since my son is still homeschooled but I could relate to every. single. word!

 

Now, I'm going to go read and hope for the magic bullet!;)

 

:grouphug:

[Rosy]

I was like this in school--not to your son's extreme, but being smart, I learned quickly that getting B's & C's required no effort at all, where getting A's meant I that I had to get assignments in, start papers before the night before they were due, etc. I failed a class on purpose because I hated the teacher's methods. My difference was that academic achievements were part of my culture, so I still did ok...but the fundamental issues were still there. I felt superior to everyone, I didn't see the point in working hard, I was sure it would all work out for me.

 

I say this as a parent of young kids (3rd grade and lower), but I think allowing him to go to school because he was blowing off his assignments at home shows him that he is charge and doesn't have to listen to anyone with regards to academics. Young teens that haven't demonstrated maturity can't be trusted with those kinds of decisions.

 

I'm not saying that to beat you up (obviously you can't change the past), but the way I see it, there's nothing you can *say* to convince him to do his work. He isn't listening. He is superior to everyone and doesn't believe anyone. I was the same way. So I would consider bringing him back home and making it far more uncomfortable for him to blow off school. In the form of manual labor, chores, etc. for every missed assignment. I would make his consequences more severe with every missed assignment.

 

I think it would also be good for him to job shadow someone in his chosen professions so he can see how much work it really is.

 

Or, you can keep in school and let him keep getting bad grades and allow him to accept the consequences. I agree with your DH--stripping him of all media until summer is definitely a fitting disciplinary measure and may have the unintended consequence of getting him reading, into hobbies, etc.

 

Is he in any activities? Sometimes an extra curricular activity that he really enjoys is enough to motivate a kid in other unrelated areas.

 

Also, if he likes reading, maybe stock up on good books? At least that way there's a chance that he'll self educate. Maybe get him a copy of The Well-Educated Mind, or get it and casually leave it out and hope for the best.

[Remudamom]

You've got lots of good advice so I'll just add this- don't encourage him to get a farm job. To work on a farm you either need to grow up on a farm or be so closely supervised that it wouldn't be worth it to hire you. Farms are dangerous places.

 

And you have my sympathies as the mother of 15 yr old trippers!

[Dani n Monies Mom]

Please forgive me if you've already read or heard about this; when my oldest was dxed with autism and the spectrum was first explained to us 13 years ago, we were told that ADD is on one end of the spectrum (extreme right), while classic autism is at the other end (extreme left) with 'typical' kids in the middle.

 

In the last year of two I've read and seen research that siblings of spectrum kids often are somewhere on the spectrum themselves, including ADD. As it turns out, our 2nd dd was dxed with ADD-Inattentive at age 9. It's not uncommon for ADD to be missed until the teen years, though.

 

If you're interested, here is the criteria used for ADD dx'es. You'll have to scroll down a little, it begins just past the first paragraph.

 

May your day be blessed,

Ava

 

 

 

 

 

He has been lording his superiority over his siblings since he found out from his first grade teacher that (1) he is a triplet, and (2) he was born first (45 minute head start). He thinks of himself as being the oldest child and therefore at the top of the pecking order. I have never been able to eradicate or even curtail this trait.

 

He knows that DH & I think I.Q. is basically an inherited trait and that all of our children are very smart. His advantage over his brothers, from what I can tell, is that he does not have Asperger's Syndrome or Nonverbal Learning Disorder.

[KristenS]

It couldn't hurt to have an IQ check, an ADD check, and all the rest. Lots of folks coast through and then crash ... in middle school, high school, or even college. Plus bright kids get used to coasting on easy work and then don't learn good study habits. My poor study habits didn't kick in till very near the end of college, when coasting no longer worked (yes, you CAN coast that long!). And my ADD traits didn't get to the insufferable point till I had a full time job. (I am not diagnosed ADD ... but I do fit the checklists to a T. I do have anxiety issues, depression, and perfectionism to deal with ... all of which can be very paralyzing.)

 

So ... it couldn't hurt to give the boy an outside evaluation by a competent psychologist ... preferably one who is sympathetic to gifted kids but will also give him a get-off-your-butt motivational speech. And the job shadowing is a GREAT idea. If there aren't paid jobs available, find volunteer work or an unpaid internship or something. If nothing else, it adds something for his college application, and widens your pool of possible reference writers.

[In The Great White North]

He can go to community college next year if his grades are in the top 5% of his class, according to the guidance counselor. He wants to go, but his grades aren't high enough.

 

What are the rules for homeschoolers? Can you homeschool him the rest of the year, then go to CC?