DH challenged me on needing to control too many things.

[momee]

Mainly diet (mine, the kid's and his), our schedules and the kid's behavior.

 

Ouch!

 

Any btdt's with some help in the area of control?

[melissel]

Well, IMO, diets, schedules, and behavior all need some degree of control, otherwise you have chaos. I mean, no, you probably shouldn't be controlling HIS diet too tightly, but as for the others, you'd have to be pretty extreme for me to think you're going over the line. Can you give us some examples of things he's concerned about?

[Perry]

Mainly diet (mine, the kid's and his), our schedules and the kid's behavior.

 

I thought that was our job.

:glare:

[Garga]

That's a tough question.

 

Why did he bring this up?

 

I can tend to be controlling, but it isn't negatively affecting our lives. Every now and then my husband will mention it, but it's not like I'm alienating anyone over it, because it's not over the top.

 

Is this issue causing real problems in your family? Eating, schedules and behavior are things that normally do need some sort of control. But are you taking it to extremes?

 

I think before anyone can really comment/advise, we'd need to know why your dh brought this up, whether there are problems in the family due to this, and anything else you can think of that would help.

 

Like, if you don't want the kids to eat non-stop sweets and dh thinks you're 'controlling' because you limit sweets to weekends and occasional special days, that's not horribly controlling, just normal mom-controlling. But if you NEVER let them have sweets, even on weekends, or at parties, then that is too controlling and is a problem.

[Renee in NC]

Is your dh extremely laid back? Is it that you are wanting to control things that he thinks you should allow?

 

My dh tells me I like to be in control. Then I read him things on this board that people do that *I* think are controlling.:lol: He's decided that "control" is in the eye of the beholder and that I like control but some others are just plain nuts!:tongue_smilie:

 

I want the kids to go to bed at some reasonable time - he wants them to stay up with him.

 

I won't let them watch certain shows that he loves - he doesn't care until it is *really* raunchy.

 

I want the kids to get up at a reasonable time - he says to let them sleep.

 

My dh is extremely laid back, though.

 

Is it simple things like that or are we talking more extreme?

[Stacy in NJ]

Some degree of control is obviously good. Overcontrolling is bad. Does he thing you are overly-controlling?

[Renee in NC]

That's what I was thinking, but I don't know the details. I'm definitely not a control freak, but since I make the meals, take care of schedules, and do much of the parenting (ie. behavior stuff, etc) then one could be describing me. What would I do as an alternative? Stop cooking, bring the kids out whenever they ask, and let them do whatever they want whenever they want? :confused:

 

There is a middle ground, I believe.:lol:

[nono]

Mainly diet (mine, the kid's and his), our schedules and the kid's behavior.

 

Ouch!

 

Any btdt's with some help in the area of control?

 

My 5 year old is asking me "What's so funny?" as I laughed with you while reading your post! I was simply picturing my husband saying this to me (guilty!), and my response, which would likely be, "Yeah...and....??"

 

Maybe a couple of simple "moves" would make him feel less controlled and more of a contributor? Such as asking, "Any requests for dinner later this week? I'm making up my shopping list now." Or, "Do you want to do anything special this weekend, after we're done with painting, the kids' football game and visiting your parents?" ;)

 

The comment on the kids behavior is the only one I'd take seriously. Sometimes a spouse really can help improve our relationships with our kids if we can get past what and how they are saying things and really hear them out. And even if you don't agree with his point, but have a good discussion, maybe he'll feel like in the end, you are less controlling there too.

 

Good luck!

[Parrothead]

What aren't you cooking that he wants? What does he want to do that he can't because of a conflict in schedule? Does he want you to wait on discipline until he comes home from work? I have visions of the old, "Sit on the couch until your father comes home!"

 

You are going to have to find out exactly what he is thinking when he says you are too controlling. And in each area. It could be something as simple as cooking some good old greasy fried chicken with mashed potatoes containing real butter and whole milk, homemade gravy made from the chicken grease, etc. to he feels that he has no say in what goes on in the household. That will take a bit of discussion and compromise.

[ChristusG]

Aren't those all areas that just kind of fall up under a mom's job description? He can handle his own way of eating, but if you are home with the kids all day, it it up to you to handle what they eat. And because you are their mother, you want to see that they eat well.

 

Also, it is your job to make sure the children behave.

 

I guess I'm not seeing where your DH is coming from.

[Parrothead]

On the other hand you could totally abdicate and go back to bed. He would have total control then. Let him deal with the disasters and dinner when he gets home from work

[OHGrandma]

Mainly diet (mine, the kid's and his), our schedules and the kid's behavior.

 

Ouch!

 

Any btdt's with some help in the area of control?

 

Hmmm, your choice of an avatar seems to indicate you might be a little controlling, haha. :lol:

 

Every couple has to agree what works best for them, so you'll have to get more info from your dh on specific areas you need to release.

[Penelope]

Yeah, I think it depends what it is specifically. My DH called me on this a couple of times. It wasn't that he minded what I did with the kids during the day, but that he felt I was trying to dictate what he could do with the kids. Things like--I limit tv and I don't want ds's to spend many Sundays and Monday evenings watching football with DH, even though he thinks this is the way to build memories with the kids. Or him buying things for the kids that he didn't discuss with me, that I might think they are not old enough for (or thinking that he buys them too much "stuff" in general). I have to let some things go but in other areas we have had to come together and decide what we want for the kids, together.

 

I don't know what you did before becoming a SAHM, but I worked for years and was in charge of others and in large part, in charge of my own work environment. So, I tend to want to be the same way at home. DH gets to be the boss at work, and I feel like, if I can't call most of the shots at home, then I feel like an underling in my own home. I had to have a heart to heart with him about this.

[Mommyof4ks]

I have been called on it a few times too, but he made specific suggestions and gave examples of what he was talking about. That made it easy to see his point and loosen up and change a few things. Basically I took control of the house and the kids, and the only time he felt he had any control was when he left for work in the morning. That was when he could eat whatever he wanted, go where he wanted to at lunch, and had time for him. That was not a good situation.

[elfgivas]

hmmmm.... there is a difference between organizing something and controlling something. i'd have a good listen with my heart to what he says when you ask him to tell you more, in more detail. is this something your dc have mentioned, too? have you ever done myers-briggs with him? sometimes personality differences can feel like control differences. (and sometimes they are, too ; ). " Please understand me is a good book" to start with, and we like "nurture by nature" a lot, too. its ostensibly about kids personality types, but works really well for their parents, too ;)

 

:grouphug:

 

fwiw,

ann

[Peela]

My dh sometimes feels teh same. He doesnt always want to eat teh super healthy food i cook and he empathises with th ekids. Yet he has come to the point where he realises it's what I cook, or nothing, so he is learning to appreciate it. But I am learning to bite my tongue over the cola he will eat with the healthy food.

Nagging, criticising etc, even with the best of intentions, come across as controlling (well, they are a form of control).

As far as the kids are concerned....we recently had a spat over discipline issues with the kids. Its the end of our year here and I was worn down, ds14 was fighting me, and dh wanted me to handle things differently and I just refused because I was exhausted. He felt he wasnt getting enough of a say in how to deal with our son when he was difficult. We eventually had a good breakthrough conversation about it where we came up with some strategies together.

I think its a common issue. It just depends on the personalities of the two people as to how much they rub on each other. Just because I am in charge of the schooling and the kids and do most of the cooking, doesnt mean dh isnt going to have a strong opinion or two about things and if I dont listen, he is going to feel out of the family loop and controlled.

[momee]

Nah. It's not all that, thankfully. He's no big meanie beanie, but an awesome guy who's noticing more stress than normal.

 

This isn't him criticizing me for being to controlling in a way that disrespects him, but in a way that frazzles me.

 

He sees I'm trying to hold too many things together (say meal planning) in life that is just busy, full of kids, their friends, unexpected guests and our changing schedules.

 

He's encouraging me to be more flexible and "roll with the punches" more. I clarified his reasoning behind the statement and he's cautioning me not to overanalyze or give more attention than necessary. Just let some things take shape as they will.

 

No big, just curious as to how you all maintain balance in a busy, homeschool, multitasking, multi children, multi role kinda way.

 

Balance~~~ where are you????

[momee]

Thanks for all the replies, even if they don't apply - excellent reminders :) cuz they applied at some point along our married lives.

 

The avatar choice? Not mine - my teenage son picked that one for me! (Blushing and praising God for that one)

[KidsHappen]

Thanks for all the replies, even if they don't apply - excellent reminders :) cuz they applied at some point along our married lives.

 

The avatar choice? Not mine - my teenage son picked that one for me! (Blushing and praising God for that one)

 

I was going to comment on the choice of avatar in relation to the subject of control. ;) I will say that your choice of the word "challenged" indicates to me that this may indeed be an issue for you. Perhaps some self reflection is in order. Of course, this is IMHO and your YMMV.

[Guest janainaz]

I over-control, my husband under-controls (he claims that his way of controlling is to let go of control) and we are the perfect balance. He keeps me in check and I keep him in check.

 

It's only an issue if you are unwilling to acknowledge a weakness and not be willing to take advice and open your eyes a little. I know I have a control issue, but if it is brought to my attention, I'm willing to step back. I say things to my husband when he needs to step in more and he is also willing to consider my thoughts. Of course, some arguing takes place!

 

I am a self-admitted control freak. My kids know this and I'm ok with their eye-rolls and calling me crazy from time-to-time. They tolerate me pretty well and I AM trying. I am able to articulate what a "normal" woman would be like - so they know how to recognize it someday! My older ds said he would marry a woman like me and I say, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

[momee]

I thank you Kidshappen for the reply.

 

I do indeed have a superwoman complex, my aspirations are high :tongue_smilie: in many areas. (I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope. ~Ps. 130:5) I'm working that one out, but still in progress for sure.

 

And I have an awesome dh who loves to see me relaxed and enjoying life instead of planning meals and summing up which daytimer is best.

 

How do you balance all the duties of mom yet remain flexible and easygoing? Got any hints?:bigear:

Edited December 13, 2009 by momee

[momee]

Exactly Jana. I am trying, but the more I try, the more I lean towards controlling. We are an excellent match. DH is very! laid back.

 

Aghhhhhhh.

And btw, what does the average woman look like? Most moms I know are overtired, speak the need for more quiet time and struggle with balance or at least one of those.

 

Who does have it together? Really, it's an honest question, not a snarky one.

Edited December 13, 2009 by momee

[momee]

Melissa,

you said

"Well, IMO, diets, schedules, and behavior all need some degree of control, otherwise you have chaos."

 

How does this look for you, since I'm being so nosey asking who really does have it together.

 

Those things above are the things I am seeking betterment in for myself. Not him, just my ability to do them more - ?smoothly?, naturally? not sure of the right word here.

 

We're thankfully a long way from where we were, which could have been described as chaos, but I still struggle with some things in my days.

 

A rhythm, predictable quiet time, time for myself, being better prepared, not being rushed when we're heading out the door, etc.

 

DH says some of that stuff is just what it is. You know that blog, A Holy Experience. I read some of that and think, what? does she have a maid, uberobedient children, some holy blessing I don't. Kidding, but you know what I mean.

[JoyfulMama]

This isn't him criticizing me for being to controlling in a way that disrespects him, but in a way that frazzles me.

 

He sees I'm trying to hold too many things together (say meal planning) in life that is just busy, full of kids, their friends, unexpected guests and our changing schedules.

 

He's encouraging me to be more flexible and "roll with the punches" more. I clarified his reasoning behind the statement and he's cautioning me not to overanalyze or give more attention than necessary. Just let some things take shape as they will.

 

No big, just curious as to how you all maintain balance in a busy, homeschool, multitasking, multi children, multi role kinda way.

 

Balance~~~ where are you????

 

My DH would have to be checked for DNA if he ever told me to "roll with the punches". :lol: That's more of a line that would come from me.

 

The first thought that comes to mind is that a planning tool is good as long as it doesn't become a dictator.

You mentioned meal planning: Planned on xyz for dinner tonight, but Tom, Dick, and Harry stopped by? Pull the frozen pizzas (homemade or store-bought) from the back of the freezer! If you like to plan (and I am DEFINATELY one of THOSE women), then PLAN some alternatives! One old cookbook I have says that a well-stocked pantry/freezer which can whip up a great quick snack/meal is a sign of a great hostess.

 

Reminds me of taking advantage of the moments that are in front of us, and working them into the plan, rather than declaring that they were never in the plan.

 

Oh - and balance? Well, we were supposed to go get new tires on my vehicle this afternoon. The cold ice outside declared it a day for being home, after we slip-slided to and from church this morning. A day to just see how the day unfolded, with dinner cooking in the oven all day, and delicious smells permeating every corner, from the fire to the dinner, to the bread. The kids spent two hours playing with all of the building toys in the living room while DH and I escaped upstairs to hide and read. DH even brought a snack for us. This is my DH's perfect kind of day. Of course, we can't do this every day, but we can try to enjoy the moments in between the planned activities and obligations.

[KidsHappen]

I thank you Kidshappen for the reply.

 

I do indeed have a superwoman complex, my aspirations are high :tongue_smilie: in many areas.

 

And I have an awesome dh who loves to see me relaxed and enjoying life instead of planning meals and summing up which daytimer is best.

 

How do you balance all the duties of mom yet remain flexible and easygoing? Got any hints?:bigear:

 

Have more kids. :tongue_smilie: I have OCD and used to have serious control issues, but I found that the more kids I had the less controlling I became. It is very hard to control so many people, kinda like herding cats. It can be done but it takes so much energy and I am getting old and tired. :001_smile:

[Guest janainaz]

Exactly Jana. I am trying, but the more I try, the more I lean towards controlling.

 

Aghhhhhhh.

 

And btw, what does the average woman look like? Most moms I know are overtired, speak the need for more quiet time and struggle with balance or at least one of those.

 

Who does have it together? Really, it's an honest question, not a snarky one.

 

Good question! The answer is what we all know - everyone has their issues!

 

I know that there must be a woman out there that is a bit more balanced in regard to needing to control the image thing. I'm the girl that if you dropped by my house and it was not all put together and you caught me in my pajamas without hair and makeup done - I'd feel uncomfortable. I desire to be the girl that just doesn't care, but the more I try, the worse I get. All I can do is accept it, but verbally acknowledge to my kids that it's not the best quality. The things you control often control you. I get it. I dislike that quality in me and so I hope they find wives that are very very secure. That's a good thing to hope for. My control issue could stress out my kids if I'm not willing to call it for what it is so that they don't carry it. If I can verbally, outloud, acknowlege when I'm over-controlling, it helps me to ease my burden and also remove it from their shoulders. I even have to ask myself what I'm afraid of in those moments. That is what it's rooted in.

 

I just want my kids to have a clear picture of what is healthy vs. what is not. I'm human, I'm not going to be that perfect person AND I would set them up for big disappointment if I felt that I had to portray that to my kids. I want them to accept their faults, be willing to grow and set them up to live in harmony with another imperfect person.

[Garga]

For me not to feel frazzled, I need to keep up with the house. If I don't keep up, I feel frazzled and start wanting to control things and I get annoying to everyone else around me.

 

If my house is clean, my life feels ok and I can let other things slide and roll with the punches. But if the house is a mess, I just can't do it. I feel overwhelmed and try to control everything.

 

Maybe you need to find what it is that triggers your "controlling" side (like mine is a messy house) and make sure that that area is covered. Then, when the area that sets off your controlling side is under control, you'll be able to let other areas slide.

 

That's my theory!

Edited December 14, 2009 by Garga