Girl Attitudes...what do you do

[Gamom3]

Dd(12 in 2 months) has a NASTY attitude and blames everyone else.

Her brother(s) for doing or not doing something that she starts, friends on our street for picking at her--which she starts due to her mouth or being bossy and biggest of all my getting on to her, which I end up yelling at her when I have had it--yes I know I shouldn't get on her level--I just don't know how to keep my cool with her, when she is ignoring me or talking back or smarting off.

 

I have talked to her until I am blue in the face. She constantly writes letters wanting to talk to me in private about what has happened that day(she ends up pointing out everyones problems and she does nothing to provoke anyone) or she comes and says she is sorry about having an attitude and will try harder to control it...but she turns right around and starts doing it again.

 

What do you do or what have you done???

[Haiku]

My dd is 15 and still behaves like a 12 year old in many ways. She gets extra chores for mouthiness and attitude. I gave up trying to talk to her about it because I was just repeating myself ad nauseam. Now she gets action.

 

Tara

[springmama]

My dd is 15 and still behaves like a 12 year old in many ways. She gets extra chores for mouthiness and attitude. I gave up trying to talk to her about it because I was just repeating myself ad nauseam. Now she gets action.

 

Tara

 

ditto, except in addition to the extra chores I sometimes lose my temper. The other day, I lost it after hours of my dd acting like a total you-know-what. I took her beloved cell phone, took the sim card out and broke it in half. Not proud of my actions, but I tell you this to let you know that we all lose our tempers sometimes. Some kids just push so hard that it's hard to keep your cool and anyone who tells you that you should be able to stay calm no matter what, has most likely never dealt with a truly difficult teen.

[Parrothead]

Sounds like she needs to talk to you when you are both calm. Set aside a certain time one day a week for mom and daughter talk time. Have some of those heartfelt talks with her about what is going on in her world.

 

That said, ignoring you, smarting off and talking back should never be allowed. You need to get that under control somehow - grounding, taking away prized stuff, what ever works in your family.

 

I think with ground rules and talks will get her back in line. And don't let the talks end when the "problem" ends. These can become meetings for coffee or shopping when she is an adult.

[Haiku]

Not proud of my actions, but I tell you this to let you know that we all lose our tempers sometimes.

 

I don't sweat it when I occasionally lose my temper. I don't think it's bad for kids to see that their actions actually affect other people. I think it would give kids a very unrealistic view of the world if they grew up with parents who were cool and calm 100% of the time.

 

Tara

[Dayle in Guatemala]

and with 2 dds ages 15 and 13, I get reminded daily!

 

I try to set time aside for each girl each week to talk with them about life in general and how they're doing with everything.

 

I don't like attitude and don't put up with it, but, I do try to stay sensitive to their changing hormones, attitudes, bodies--all of which contributes to their attitude. They just haven't had the advantage of time to learn how to control it all and work through it.

 

I try to let them know the minute I see it starting--

 

"Would you like to change your tone right now sweetie?"

 

"I know it's hard, but, I'm the mom and I will let your little brother/sister know what's happening. Thanks for your help, but, you don't have to take that on."

 

"Come back and talk when you've thought through it and can look at the situation objectively and take on your responsibility."

 

 

Things like that. Not to say I don't loose it from time to time;)

 

Hang in there!

[Chris in VA]

I know how frustrating that can be!

In the short term, be very clear about consequences and expectations.

But this is more of a long term challenge. My advice is to build the relationship. It's difficult, but making sure she feels heard and not immediately correcting her perceptions of the world will go a long way toward improving your communication.

 

For example, you could start spending time together, just you two. Go out to dessert, go for a walk somewhere lovely, just get away. Listen to her. Say she starts telling you all the wrong things that have happened that day, blaming everyone else, as you said frequently happens. Do you jump in right away, saying things like, "Yes, but you...blah blah blah" to point out her part in it? Instead, may I suggest you say something like, "Wow, that sounds so frustrating!" Let her talk. Don't correct her or give her advice until she feels you have really heard her. It may not even be that day. I can always tell in my spirit when I'm not really listening, but crafting a response! If she can express herself fully with you, she is more likely to come up with her own solutions.

 

HTH

[ConnieB]

While some of her behavior can be written off as "teenage" the blaming others and refusing to accept any responsibility herself can be one that can wreck havoc in her adult life if she doesn't learn to see it clearly now. I know many adults that never have figured out that their actions might actually be the cause of problems, and it's sad to see and very detrimental not only to their happiness but to their success in love/career and life in general.

 

Is there another person, a family friend or relative, that might be able to talk to her (or to both of you together) in a calm loving non-threatening way? Sometimes it's easier for a teen to listen to another adult other than a parent. If she attends church you might see if the youth pastor would talk to her....they are typically trained in how to talk so teens will listen (and there is a book I read a few years ago similiar in title that really has helped me relate as my eldest became a teen!).

 

You are absolutely correct that we all lose our temper...and we all do things (like breaking a sims card) that we later regret. The difference is that mature people....even teens.....need to be able to calm down and then see their role in the incident and not only apologize, but refrain from laying blame solely on others. Others may have laid the foundation that leads to our anger overtaking our common sense.....but WE are solely responsible for our actions, good or bad, and must take responsibility for them.....just as the others need to take responsibility for their actions that contributed to the problem. It is very very rare indeed that any problem is 100% a single persons fault.

 

 

I find that when I apologize to my children for my behavior it sets a good example to them, but also shows them that we're all human and allowed to make mistakes. It's learning from them that is important so that we hopefully won't do it again. I joke with my family that I promise not to make that same mistake again....instead I'll find another mistake to make in it's place!

 

If another adult can't get through to her, I'd seriously consider professional help. Anger management is a skill that is vital to functioning in today's society....and a lot of people are lacking. She'll spend a lot of time in the beginning blaming everyone for her being there, and so life at home won't be pleasant, but a skilled professional will help her come around to see her role in the trouble at home.

 

:grouphug:

[Starr]

Our motto around here it that if you can't be nice to your family you need to spend more time with us. :)

[Alenee]

I was just given this idea last week and began using it with one of my dds. She can get pretty sassy. Since she's younger I began with two stacks of quarters totaling $2. I gave her the money as "grace" to begin so I wouldn't be "stealing" her money. Every time she says or does something out of line, I take a quarter away. It's been a rough week and she's down to one quarter but we've had some HUGE learning experiences with this. She even came to me once this week to admit that she'd been rude to her sister and needed me to take a quarter.

 

Since your dd is older, maybe try $5-10. Take 50 cents to a dollar away every time she mouths off. Give her a week to try to keep the money...any money left at the end of the week, she gets to keep.

 

This is a really easy way to get kids to recognize their behavior.

[AK_Mom4]

We get this type of behavior from time to time with DD15 especially. I think it gets worse when she is either too tired or not getting enough physical activity. So when she starts up her rant, I either send her to bed early or start passing out physical chores (hauling firewood seems to work wonders, as does scrubbing showers).

 

This seems to help lots in our house!

[elfgivas]

its a multi-pronged approach. (we used it with dds who are now 23 and 26, and are using it currently with dds 11 and almost 10).

 

1) we each "date" one of them for an hour on saturdays. then the next week, we switch dds

 

2) we spend fifteen minutes a night one-on-one with one of them, and then switch dds the next night. they get to choose what we do. sometimes it goes overtime ; ).

 

those two help build relationships and that makes everything easier.

 

3) 30 minutes outdoor exercise every day. it helps level out the emotions for everyone. on days when they dance more than 2 hours, that counts.

 

4) zero tolerance. at the first sign of attitude, one of us says "that wasn't nice/kind/appropriate. please pick up 5 things in the sunroom (or wherever). the next transgression is 10 things and a question if they need a few minutes on their own in their rooms.... their call. and i put mozart on. that helps hugely. the next transgression in the same day (and this doesn't happen that often), they lose video or computer priveleges for a 1/2 day. if something is truly awful, the chicken coop gets cleaned out. each of the older girls only had to do that once. the younger ones haven't done it yet. and i hide in my room and reread "peaceful parents, peaceful kids" cover to cover while drinking tea and eating chocolate ;)

 

good luck!

ann

[PiCO]

;) Oh, wait- I have two.

 

I don't think this type of attitude has to go along with being a girl, though. In fact, I think it's completely inappropriate for anyone to behave that way.

 

I think long conversations about apropriate behavior in self and others are in order.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

Have you considered the possibility of there being something physically amiss with her? I'm thinking of my experience with my 12yo son. We have spent several years learning about how food issues and gastrointestinal problems cause his numerous and sometimes severe behavioral problems. We learned about his post-prandial hypoglycemia when he was six. Controlling his diet brought us a long way, but still fell short of solving all his problems. Last year, I went to a seminar by Dianne Craft, about the Biology of Behavior. She explains how important serotonin is for one's ability to cope with difficult situations. She explains how it is produced in the intestines, and how intestinal problems prohibit it's production.

 

By any chance, did your dd have lots of ear infections or other infections requiring strong or prolonged or repeated antibiotic use at any time in the past (even when she was very small)? If so, it's possible that the good bacteria in her gut were wiped out, and that yeast fungus has been able to grow rapidly. Does she crave sweets? Such cravings can indicate yeast overgrowth because yeast feeds on sugars. Supplementing with lots of probiotics/acidophilus and anti-fungals (like grapefruit seed extract) has worked wonders with my son. We've also added vitamins and minerals designed specifically for his age/gender, and essential fatty acids and omega-3 DHA supplements. It's quite a full regimen of pills to swallow (and I bribe him to take them), but they have been a miracle here. He's just so happy! He can focus. He doesn't get frustrated at his work. He doesn't constantly yell at his sisters, or find fault in them, or blame others for his mistakes. He simply recognizes his mistakes, and works to correct them. He even amazes himself!

 

I may be way off here, assuming that your situation is the same as mine. I just know that disciplinary measures went absolutely nowhere in correcting my son's behavior. But, finding the cause of his discomfort and distress has made disciplinary measures totally unneccessary!

 

Check out Dianne Craft's website (http://www.diannecraft.com), and check out her writing at HSLDA's website (click on "Struggling Learners") She sells an excellent CD lecture on her website called "The Biology of Behavior". I highly recommend it! It's about 4 hours long, and explains everything so well. She explains how the brain and nervous system work together with the digestive system, what goes wrong, the problems that arise, and exactly what you can do about it. She also recommends several books (Super-immunity for Kids is one she quotes often).

 

Anyway, thanks for reading this far. I hope it helps. I know how hard it is when discipline and talking just don't work to shape attitude.

 

Blessings,

Suzanne

[Anne in CA]

I had many of these issues with my step daughter starting when she was twelve and going off and on until she moved out. I do believe that nutrition played a HUGE part in her behavior, because her behavior was much better when she was eating healthy food and got worse after times when I had no control over what she ate. She craved high fructose corn syrup in any form, and her behavior would be awful after consuming it.

 

I would say that one thing I figured out too late was not to feed into it. Halfway through her junior year of high school I learned that if she was acting this way and I ignored it completely and went out of my way to be extra happy with the other kids she would shape up pretty fast. I know how hard that is to do, but it got us through her senior year of high school much better.

 

The summer after her senior year before she left for school nearly killed me. She was just beyond unbearable and would not take responsibility for anything. She was working at a snack bar and drinking Coke every minute she was at work. I was so relieved the day she left it wasn't even funny. I really do believe that if she could detox from that stuff she would be delightful. She is lovely when she comes to visit now, but she is only here a few days at a time. But she makes messes everywhere she goes and doesn't understand why her friends are angry when she spills their secrets, ect. She has very little idea that her actions have consequences and believe me dh and I have tried to show her that they do. She wanted to move home to finish school but I put my foot down, because I have paid my dues and can't go through it again.

 

That aside, I would look hard at the food she is consuming and how much exercise she is getting.