I need some help dealing with parental drama

[melissel]

This is just so completely bizarre, and I'm in a weird position, so I could really use some suggestions on how to deal with this and what I should do.

 

It would seem, from accumulated circumstantial evidence, that my father either is or was having an affair with a coworker. If I were to hand an objective third party a list of all the reasons my mom suspects him, that third party would surely think it's a no-brainer, of course he is. And I'll admit that I'm pretty naive in this respect--I rarely believe that anyone I know IRL is capable of this kind of thing. However, I have a VERY hard time believing it of my dad. He's just such a by-the-book, rational, black-and-white sort of guy. And all of the evidence could be explained away, however unconvincingly.

 

Anyway, without giving too much detail, given a few recent incidents, even I have to admit that something MUST be going on. My parents have had a very rocky relationship for a very long time, and my dad is a punishing (emotionally) man to live with, but they've been together for 36 years. If my mom goes to him with her suspicions, he'll go ballistic. She confides in me because we're very close, and I'm not sure what to advise her to do here, or what to do myself. My dad and I are pretty close too, and I get far more respect from him as an adult than I ever did as a kid. Should I talk to him? He's more likely to speak calmly to me than he is to my mom, though no more likely to speak the truth, I think.

 

Eek. I'm in the weeds here. Until today, I thought my mom was making too much of small things. But I can't deny that something's definitely wrong. Now what do I do?

 

Thanks in advance for listening if you got this far :o

[Cammie]

Will PM you.

[jujsky]

:grouphug: Regardless of what is or is not going on with your parents, your mother shouldn't be confiding in you. I know you're an adult. I know you're close to your mom. You are still the child of your parents, and putting you in the middle of this situation is not a good idea. I'm very concerned that you are going to end up hurt with all of this. You should not confront your dad. Confronting him will immediately make it appear that you are taking sides. This is an issue between your parents, and if anyone confronts him it should be your mom.

 

Marital problems are messy. I was 16, so almost an adult when my parents' marriage ended. Both of them confided in me much more than parents should and I felt very torn emotionally. I learned things about my parents that no one should know -- including ugly things my parents told me about each other. TMI, didn't need to know, and it resulted in some therapy in my adult years to move past it. I know it will probably hurt your mom, but she needs to find another bff to confide in when it comes to matters with your dad.

[Cammie]

:grouphug: Regardless of what is or is not going on with your parents, your mother shouldn't be confiding in you. I know you're an adult. I know you're close to your mom. You are still the child of your parents, and putting you in the middle of this situation is not a good idea. I'm very concerned that you are going to end up hurt with all of this. You should not confront your dad. Confronting him will immediately make it appear that you are taking sides. This is an issue between your parents, and if anyone confronts him it should be your mom.

 

Marital problems are messy. I was 16, so almost an adult when my parents' marriage ended. Both of them confided in me much more than parents should and I felt very torn emotionally. I learned things about my parents that no one should know -- including ugly things my parents told me about each other. TMI, didn't need to know, and it resulted in some therapy in my adult years to move past it. I know it will probably hurt your mom, but she needs to find another bff to confide in when it comes to matters with your dad.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Mrs Mungo]

In general, if someone I knew had this problem I would suggest that they hire a private detective and put a keylogger on their computer.

 

 

However, in this case, I agree with this:

:grouphug: Regardless of what is or is not going on with your parents, your mother shouldn't be confiding in you. I know you're an adult. I know you're close to your mom. You are still the child of your parents, and putting you in the middle of this situation is not a good idea. I'm very concerned that you are going to end up hurt with all of this. You should not confront your dad. Confronting him will immediately make it appear that you are taking sides. This is an issue between your parents, and if anyone confronts him it should be your mom.

 

Marital problems are messy. I was 16, so almost an adult when my parents' marriage ended. Both of them confided in me much more than parents should and I felt very torn emotionally. I learned things about my parents that no one should know -- including ugly things my parents told me about each other. TMI, didn't need to know, and it resulted in some therapy in my adult years to move past it. I know it will probably hurt your mom, but she needs to find another bff to confide in when it comes to matters with your dad.

[MIch elle]

Listen to your mom but DON'T get in the middle. It's your mom's responsibility to work out HER relationship NOT you.

[mommaduck]

I'd investigate. If you cheat on my mama or my stepmama, don't expect me to feel for you...even if you are my sperm donor or the guy who raised me. JMNSHO But then, I'm not emotionally attached as "daddy's girl". Oh, and my sisters and I have gotten involved in one situation, because our stepmama is not capable of taking care of herself and our dad ran off with her home health nurse who is younger than us. You are darn right that we will do what we can legally. So yes, I do believe adult children have a certain amount of responsibility of holding people accountable. Grandkids are not permitted around a cheating grandparent. It affects the entire family.

[G5052]

Even though you are an adult, she really needs to be working through this with someone else. You don't want to be cruel about this of course, but somehow this needs to be between the two of them and not the three of you, especially because you do have a decent relationship with your dad that you would like to preserve. It would be another matter if she was disabled, being abused, and/or without resources to deal with this of course, but I think in general we need to stay out of our parents' marriages.

 

Not easy, I know. Not this exact situation, but my mom had a long history of complaining about my dad to other people, and I think that it really undermined our family and ultimately her marriage.

Edited December 1, 2009 by GVA

[WTMCassandra]

What does your Mom want to accomplish? She needs to identify her goal and then determine what to do based on that.

 

Does she want "out?" She should consult a lawyer, RIGHT AWAY. She should this even before the private investigator and ask the lawyer how to proceed. You could support her in this path.

 

Does she want to save the marriage? She should consult a therapist, RIGHT AWAY. She should ask the therapist how to proceed on confronting your Dad, preferably in front of the therapist. You could support her in this path.

 

Does she just want to get it out in the open? I think she should also consult a therapist like in option two above. You could support her in this path.

 

I honestly don't see how you figure in any of the above options, other than supporting her in her decisions. Perhaps there are other options available, but I can't think of them at the moment.

 

I see NO GOOD coming from you getting directly involved in this. Confronting an emotionally punishing person with this kind of situation is a guarantee for trouble. You will almost certainly get burned by playing with this fire. And it will not help your mother. You can do much more for her by supporting her than by getting yourself emotionally blown up.

 

All is of course JMHO, based on the little I know from your message. I know IRL things are much more complex. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

[Impish]

I agree that your mom should be keeping you out of this. This is your DAD we're talking about, and she should respect that.

 

I'd find a way to nicely tell her that you can't be her confidante in this.

[sadiegirl]

:grouphug: Regardless of what is or is not going on with your parents, your mother shouldn't be confiding in you. I know you're an adult. I know you're close to your mom. You are still the child of your parents, and putting you in the middle of this situation is not a good idea. I'm very concerned that you are going to end up hurt with all of this. You should not confront your dad. Confronting him will immediately make it appear that you are taking sides. This is an issue between your parents, and if anyone confronts him it should be your mom.

 

:iagree:

[eternalknot]

What does your Mom want to accomplish? She needs to identify her goal and then determine what to do based on that.

 

Does she want "out?" She should consult a lawyer, RIGHT AWAY. She should this even before the private investigator and ask the lawyer how to proceed. You could support her in this path.

 

Does she want to save the marriage? She should consult a therapist, RIGHT AWAY. She should ask the therapist how to proceed on confronting your Dad, preferably in front of the therapist. You could support her in this path.

 

Does she just want to get it out in the open? I think she should also consult a therapist like in option two above. You could support her in this path.

 

I honestly don't see how you figure in any of the above options, other than supporting her in her decisions. Perhaps there are other options available, but I can't think of them at the moment.

 

I see NO GOOD coming from you getting directly involved in this. Confronting an emotionally punishing person with this kind of situation is a guarantee for trouble. You will almost certainly get burned by playing with this fire. And it will not help your mother. You can do much more for her by supporting her than by getting yourself emotionally blown up.

 

All is of course JMHO, based on the little I know from your message. I know IRL things are much more complex. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

 

 

:iagree: Great advice. Your mom needs to identify her goals, then proceed accordingly.

 

My mother confides in me, so I understand that dynamic. I think it's fine, actually; who better to confide something so unbelievable to than someone who is also intimately familiar with the party in question ... she doesn't want a yes-man, she wants support from someone in the trenches.

 

If you found out independent of your mom's accumulated evidence, would you confront your father OR would you take your suspicions to your mom? I think the way you answer that question is better at indicating how (or if) you should proceed with bringing this allegation to your father.

[Joanne]

{{{hugs}}} to you AND your mom. This sounds very difficult and painful. I'll pray.

[katemary63]

If I were HER, I would hire a private investigator and find out for sure, right now. I wouldn't let one more day go by. Or, heck, I'd just confront him myself. I wouldn't be afraid of his reaction at all. But that's me....I'm crazy tough. I don't really know what to tell YOU to do. I'm sorry for both of you. :grouphug:

[ConnieB]

Well....let's look at it from the endgame. Let's say that your mom takes the advice and hires a private investigator and finds out that indeed he IS having an affair...picture proof, no need to doubt any more.

 

Now what? You said he's an emotionally punishing person, and that their relationship wasn't very good anyway......so obviously confronting him with the evidence is not likely to cause him to repent and change his ways....so then what? After 36 years of marriage would she divorce him? Is she feeling she needs to know just so that she can accept it and continue on in the marriage...that the not knowing is too much for her? If she were to choose to divorce him, would she be able to handle the life that would bring? If she find out he was having an affair, would she be able to stay with him if she doesn't want a divorce?

 

I'm not on to advocate staying with a cheating spouse by any means, in fact, I know that I would not, no matter what my age. Period. That is simply unacceptable to me. But I also know many woman who have put up with it because they do not believe that they can survive on their own. Some probably can't....but most would find the strength maybe because they have children, some because it might free them from a marriage that was not good before the infidelity was proven but that they weren't willing to end just because it wasn't perfect before.

 

As her daughter are you prepared to be there in a much deeper sense than you are now? If she couldn't make it on her own, would she end up living with you? What might all this do to YOUR relationship with your father, because he's bound to realize that you knew and perhaps encouraged Mom to take the steps she does and punish you for it.

 

There is seldom a good outcome from infidelity. So :grouphug: to you and your mom. Before she confronts him or makes decisions about her future, she might be wise to know what her options might be....talking with a divorce attorney before you've even decided if you want a divorce may seem odd....but it's a good way to have answers to the "what if" questions. Having all the possibilities fully explored will help her make decisions about her future.

 

One other nasty detail about infidelity.....spouses who cheat have a habit of also hiding assets, either before the wife finds out, or immediately after. She might be wise to do some snooping into their finances so that she has a clue what assets they own......36 years of accumuluation and she deserves her fair share. So get a handle on the finances before he knows it's time to start hiding them.

[OrganicAnn]

Your mom needs some counselor/adviser other than you. If you are close to your mom, it will be comfortable and easy for her to come to you for help, but please resist the temptation to put yourself in the middle. Every time I've seen adult children put as a go between or taken an active role between their parents marital problems it has been bad. So I would stay out. Help your mom find an adviser or clergy or lawyer, but then step away as much as possible while still be loving and caring.

[ChristusG]

Wow, that's a tough call. I don't have any advice, but :grouphug:.