battlemaiden Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 My son has been invited to a birthday party by a neighbor girl. It came in the form of a backstage pass, requesting that he arrive as his favorite Hollywood personality or movie/rock star. Not good from the start. We aren't exactly "plugged in" to Hollywood. It is going to be a Murder Mystery party. The problem is that this group of kids in the neighborhood live extraordinarily different lives than our family. They text....all. the. time. They cruise the neighborhood and have boyfriends for a few days or so. They use the word "like" 10,000 times per minute. And they drip OMG! It just isn't our scene. But the actual birthday girl is nice, and I am friends with her mom, and I feel conflicted. This particular son is the one who wants to be liked. And he is missing a good friend. We were hoping for a more like minded friend. :glare: I'm just venting a little, because I know somewhere out there will understand what I'm saying. I don't want these kids to be his peeps, but I want him to have neighborhood friends. 13 is a tough age. Sigh. Jo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
battlemaiden Posted November 16, 2009 Author Share Posted November 16, 2009 please someone reply.:blush: I'm headed to bed in Hawaii, and I'm hoping for some insight in the morning. I have to RSVP soon.:confused: TTFN Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 Jo, Some of it depends on how susceptible your son is to these other kid's influence. If he is inclined to see through some of these behaviors and to be true to how you've raised him, then I don't see that one party would be that big an issue. If he's inclined to throw himself into relationships and might even make bad choices at the party, then I might say no to the party. I would make sure you had something else to do with the kids that day and I would have him take a gift over to the birthday girl. Often kids can play nicely together more one on one whereas group dynamics can change everything. I hope this helps at least a little bit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 You like the girl and her mom . I'd let him go to the party. In saying that, I'm making the assumption that since you like the girl and her mom that you've found them pretty compatible with your belief systems so that there won't be anything truly morally objectionable at the party: no drinking, no sex, no drugs. A reflection from a mom whose 13 year old is her third 13 year old: I would encourage you to look through your list and sort through which objections are based on deep moral convictions and which are just not "your scene." Is stuff like saying "like 10,000 times a day" really a problem morally? If not, I'd take it off your radar and not let it slip your lips. Teens get defensive of their peers and you can be sure to be challenged if there is no basis in your faith/moral system for your pronouncements on peers. (If you're challenged rightly and accept the correction, that can be a learning experience for both parent and teen. If you're challenged and your teen perceives your response to be lame given your moral/faith beliefs, then you begin to lose moral authority fast.) Be prepared to let your teen develop his own discernment through some practice as well. (That means he'll make some mistakes.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 I know when my boys have been allowed exposure to people or places I believed not to be in keeping with my family's values, often, the result was to enforce their sense of who they are, and are not, in a positive way. But, some children are born followers. Only you know how your son is likely to respond. One of my 13 year old's closest friends is from a family who has daughters who see a lot more movies and dumb TV stuff than I can handle. This boy often invites ds to watch movies that are so useless and negative that I have to hold my breath. His response has been interesting-his interest in that kind of thing hasn't changed at all. He sees it as something he does with his friend, because the friend likes it. Nothing more. IOW, it's not an activity that interests him for its own sake. Only you know your son well enough to know how easily he'll be influenced. If it was me, I know I'd be swayed by my child's desire to have friends, which, even though a childish desires, is very normal and understandable. Then again, we are not particularly "sheltering" either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrystal Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 I say let him go. He likes his friend and think of it as a learning experience that there are lots and lots of jerks out there. My 16 yo is kind of like your son. It took me a while to realize that she can and does stand up for herself. A few years ago there were a bunch (3 or 4) who were ganging up on another girl on the playground and she even stood up for her. My heart almost burst with joy when I found out. Give your son to surprise you and make you proud. Just let him know that whenever he is ready or has had enough that you will be right over to get him. Teenage years are the hardest, but these leads to even higher highs when they do something to make you proud of them. Good Luck. Chrystal Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hikin' Mama Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 Laurie4b has good advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sebastian (a lady) Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 I can so relate. I remember my oldest coming up at pupus, very serious, to ask me if he was allowed to date girls. Seems that a neighbor girl had told a friend that she liked him so that word would get around to another boy (in the hopes that he'd come to like her). It didn't help that my son and this target boy were really good friends. (I'm sure if we compared notes, you'd know everyone involved, :tongue_smilie:) We ended up having about a week's worth of conversations about girls who measured their self worth by who liked them and how they would drop and add at whim in order to enhance their status. I think that the packs of kids in the neighborhood can contain some nice kids and some that I was willing to have my kids walk away from when they came down the street. When they are in packs, the demeanor of even the nice ones does tend to change. But for the birthday party. Does the invite say that it has to be a current star? I bet you could help your son come up with some really cool classic star power. Someone he could be really confident going as, even if it is totally cheesy or way in left field. And if he doesn't recognize the boy who is a Jonas brother or the girl who is some first name only former mousekateer gone bad, then he can stump them on who he is. Hugs, I wish my kids had more reliable friends here too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beth in OH Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 Laurie4b has good advice. :iagree: I've had 3--13's, too. Laurie 4b is a wise woman!;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janet in Toronto Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 A reflection from a mom whose 13 year old is her third 13 year old: I would encourage you to look through your list and sort through which objections are based on deep moral convictions and which are just not "your scene." Is stuff like saying "like 10,000 times a day" really a problem morally? If not, I'd take it off your radar and not let it slip your lips. Teens get defensive of their peers and you can be sure to be challenged if there is no basis in your faith/moral system for your pronouncements on peers. (If you're challenged rightly and accept the correction, that can be a learning experience for both parent and teen. If you're challenged and your teen perceives your response to be lame given your moral/faith beliefs, then you begin to lose moral authority fast.) Be prepared to let your teen develop his own discernment through some practice as well. (That means he'll make some mistakes.) I've been through two 13 yo sons and I think Laurie has wise words. Let him go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1bassoon Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 A totally random thought. . . . . Mozart was considered something of a rock star in his day. . . . :D Good luck. Those issues are hard.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
battlemaiden Posted November 16, 2009 Author Share Posted November 16, 2009 Thanks everyone. This does help my thought process. This is definitely a case of a great kid in a one-on-one environment, but put her in the crowd and the discussions are completely inappropriate- mostly sex. On halloween I allowed my son to go walking with a group of these kids and he came back asking me what X and Y meant- if I told you, you would be shocked too.:glare: Of course they were discussing "other" people, not themselves being involved in these activities, but they still made it seem like it was the norm. It gave my son and I a great opportunity to talk and reason through some of these topics but I really struggled after that night whether it was worth it. Having said that, a birthday party is more organized and supervised. Honestly, this mom would really like my son to be there because she thinks he may influence her daughter and some of her friends. She thinks my oldest son is awesome. She has talked to me about how to keep her daughter's heart, because she sees her becoming more and more peer dependent and sassy. I think she thinks my son will be good for the pack. I'm not so sure it will work that way. I do like the girl and the mom, but no, they do not share my values. The military community allows for much interaction with people from all backgrounds and beliefs. That is one of the reasons I love it so much. But I'm not going to turn my kids over to the village, ya' know. :D Typing these thoughts out helps. Thanks again. Jo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 (edited) Let him go and stop judging the kids for 5 minutes. Some are probably not nice, and some probably are. Further, Hollywood can be anything. Is there not one movie your child enjoys? A Star Trek charcater? Luke Skywalker? Charlie Chaplin? Indiana Jones? Rhett Butler? That actually sounds like a rather clever theme with the backstage pass invite. Why not put on hold how your family is 'not like them'. It doesn't matter if you are 'like them' or not. It's one neighborhood party. Let him have fun with it. I text with my college age son all the time. Texting is not the devil. Edited November 16, 2009 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
battlemaiden Posted November 16, 2009 Author Share Posted November 16, 2009 Let him go and stop judging the kids for 5 minutes. Some are probably not nice, and some probably are. Further, Hollywood can be anything. Is there not one movie your child enjoys? A Star Trek charcater? Luke Skywalker? Charlie Chaplin? Indiana Jones? I text with my college age son all the time. Texting is not the devil. Thanks for 5 minutes.... Texting is not the devil. I agree. I text with my husband when I need too. If my son were away at college, I would be thankful for the ability to text! Teenagers who have an addiction to their phones and can't make eye contact or decent conversation does disturb me. And for me not to judge that as inappropriate would be foolish. But to each their own. Keep in mind, it is the behavior I'm talking about, not the kids. I have sat on my front porch for many an hour talking with these kids. I'm amazed at how sweet they become when given an alternative, like swinging on our tree swing or having a nerf gun battle around the house. I like teenagers in general, and my own son is wonderful! I may still let him go. We will talk about it together. I appreciate those constructive comments that allowed me to think through my reservations more clearly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 It's one party. Nobody knows other people's children as well as they think they do. Have confidence in your own teen. A neighborhood party will not ruin him. Thanks for 5 minutes.... Texting is not the devil. I agree. I text with my husband when I need too. If my son were away at college, I would be thankful for the ability to text! Teenagers who have an addiction to their phones and can't make eye contact or decent conversation does disturb me. And for me not to judge that as inappropriate would be foolish. But to each their own. Keep in mind, it is the behavior I'm talking about, not the kids. I have sat on my front porch for many an hour talking with these kids. I'm amazed at how sweet they become when given an alternative, like swinging on our tree swing or having a nerf gun battle around the house. I like teenagers in general, and my own son is wonderful! I may still let him go. We will talk about it together. I appreciate those constructive comments that allowed me to think through my reservations more clearly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merry Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 however, I want to add that when I'm confronted with this type of thing, I would try to picture myself doing this. If it would bother my conscience, then I most likely would say no. If it seems to be more of a personal preference, then I might say yes. If it doesn't seem to make that much of a difference one way or another, I tend to say ok. If it's just a party with no expectations on the host's mother's part, then it's probably ok, not great, but not awful to be at the party. But if the host's mother seems to be expecting your son to be a good influence on her daughter which is one reason why your son is invited, you might want to talk to your ds about the expectation and see what he thinks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 Jo - Reading your second post, about how this mom wants to use your son to parent her teen through positive peer pressure sent up some warning signs for me. I have lots of parents wanting to use my children in this regard. And sometimes their children do respond - in a one on one situation. In a group, one positive peer has a really hard time standing up against a group of negative peers. (And yes, I know that "negative" has degrees and that these children are not the spawn of the devil). I've had my own son (ds12) ask me not to put him these kind of situations at least very often. It was exhausting for him to be the good role model. And I saw that he was pulled downward much more easily than they were pulled upwards which is human nature (or sin nature depending on your beliefs). I think that talking to your son is a good idea. If he thinks that he can have fun, getting the fun experience of dressing up and participating in some of the activities while knowing that he doesn't have to be "bffs" to these kids, then it might be ok. But if it is stressful to him to be between your values/standards and those of these kids, then why heap more stress on him? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovemyboys Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 Thanks everyone. This does help my thought process. Having said that, a birthday party is more organized and supervised. Honestly, this mom would really like my son to be there because she thinks he may influence her daughter and some of her friends. I do like the girl and the mom, but no, they do not share my values. The military community allows for much interaction with people from all backgrounds and beliefs. That is one of the reasons I love it so much. But I'm not going to turn my kids over to the village, ya' know. :D Typing these thoughts out helps. Sounds like you've had some time to help ds process interactions with this group of kids. I'd say let him go. One of these parties introduced me to one of my best and nicest friends in the world....so you never know who he might run into. And like you said, it's more of a controlled thing and with the kids "in character" it could be fun for him. This cinema-style party is big lately. Totally agree with you about the mix of military families. Much more so than most people get in their neighborhoods/towns. Makes it pretty cool, but also an education (good and not-so-great). Hoping your ds will make a connection soon that'll be a meaningful friendship for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
May Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 We didn't allow our daughters to go to co-ed parties until they were in high school. Just another point of view. Have a great homeschooling day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Macrina Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 Let him go, but tell the mom you're going to stay and help out in the kitchen. You won't be there as a "chaperon" and embarrass your son, but you'll still be there and that way if he wants to go, badly enough to have you in the same house, he can. I don't think you are being judgeful or being over protective. I think you asking yourself the hard questions. And if your Mom-Gut says "slow down" there is probably a good reason for it. I say good work and I hope you make a descion that gives your spirit peace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 Jo, I can very much relate to what you have said. My 13 year old goes to PS and if I had any option what-so-ever I would have skipped from 12 right to 16. 13 is a horrible age even if you have a "good" kid. My 13 year old has many more concessions than her sisters ever did mainly due to the fact that she goes to PS and interacts with a different social group than her sisters did. However, I also have to keep a much tighter reign on her simply because of her peers. They are all pretty good kids and they all have active, caring parents but group think and teen hormones are not a good mix. I feel for you but don't really have many answers. This is the first time I am doing it this way so I am sort of winging it and doing the best I can. I say if you know the mom and the girl and you like and trust them then let him go. Help him come up with a agreeable persona and some reasonable rules and them give him a little room to try and navigate this. Oh and best of wishes. These things can be stressful even when the go well. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 Jo, Are you all involved in any of the teen groups? My dd really likes the teen group through MHEN. There are probably an equal number of boys and girls in the group and it's growing. The events are heavily supervised and vary from month to month. If he's looking for more social activities, maybe it's time to seek them out among different peer groups. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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