Speaking of setting boundaries...

[OnTheBrink]

Ok, I'm not sure I handled this in the best way, so please, if anyone has dealt with this and has some suggestions, I'd like to hear them.

 

In a nutshell, DD has a friend at church (male friend) who's 18 months older than she is, and has a very strong, pushy personality. He's challenged my authority by telling her that if I say no (to getting a soda) he'll just have his mom get DD one, or if I say she can't play outside in the dark, she should just keep asking until I change my mind. In both scenarios, I've stepped in and informed him that my rules hold, period.

 

What bothers me about this is that if he rides her like this over sodas and going outside, how far will this type of pressure go? He's 13; she's 11 3/4. Do you see where I'm going with this?

 

So, today, EX and I discussed pressure and how to stand up to it. She's been told that if he does it again, over anything, be it a rule she knows is set or something she simply doesn't want to do, she's to look him in the face, say, "Wilbert, the answer is NO" and come find me immediately. I want her to come to me for a couple of reasons. First, I want her to know that I'm there to support her and second, I want HIM to know that she has my support of her answer. I think, over time, she'll gain more confidence and may not need to come to me each time (and hopefully, he'll get that when she says no, it means no), but for now, I want her to find me immediately. We practiced an expression she can show me on her face to let me know what's going on, without her having to say it aloud. And, if this sort of thing continues for long, I will be going to his parents.

 

Overall, I think he's a good kid. I like him and his family, but I don't like this recent behavior and I'm hoping that it'll pass with DD's firm NO when he pushes it. I know that in his family, there's more discussion and negotiation than what I allow with DD, and I think that's probably where he's coming from (wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt, but yet not be snowed, ya know?), but still, I want DD to know she absolutely can tell him NO without having to explain, discuss or negotiate with him.

 

So, did I do this ok? Is this the best tactic to take? Any other suggestions?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Sounds good to me.

[Joanne]

I think you are handling it perfectly. You are spot on with her age and stage. You are coaching her, giving her skills, expecting her to grow into more responsibility but you are not expecting her to handle in completely just yet. And I also agree with your assessment of the situation. :iagree:

 

How wonderful and cool you can co-parent like that. I envy you. :):grouphug:

[AuntieM]

Well done, Michella! Your daughter is blessed to have you.

[Cammie]

I think one of the best gifts my parents gave me when growing up was this...my father said if ever I didn't want to do anything I could simply say that my father would kill me/punish me until I was 80/ etc... This gave me a very convenient out even if it was something my parents had not thought to expressly address with me!

 

I have done the same with my DD. I told her she can always blame her big, bad mother when she feels she is being pressured to do something she doesn't want to do. Sometimes it is too hard for a kid to say "no" or "I don't want to" but it is easy to blame it on the parents!

[Spy Car]

Sounds good to me too, but maybe I just have battle-fatigue :D

 

No, really. Sounds good. Well played.

 

Bill

[Bev in B'ville]

I think one of the best gifts my parents gave me when growing up was this...my father said if ever I didn't want to do anything I could simply say that my father would kill me/punish me until I was 80/ etc... This gave me a very convenient out even if it was something my parents had not thought to expressly address with me!

 

I have done the same with my DD. I told her she can always blame her big, bad mother when she feels she is being pressured to do something she doesn't want to do. Sometimes it is too hard for a kid to say "no" or "I don't want to" but it is easy to blame it on the parents!

 

My dd is 16 now and is attending her first semester in college, where peer pressure in lots of things is increased. She still uses me as the bad guy when needed and I'm happy to perform that role. Overall, though, she's handling it quite well. The latest vocab word I've taught her to use is "jail bait." LOL

[Laura Corin]

I think one of the best gifts my parents gave me when growing up was this...my father said if ever I didn't want to do anything I could simply say that my father would kill me/punish me until I was 80/ etc... This gave me a very convenient out even if it was something my parents had not thought to expressly address with me!

 

I have done the same with my DD. I told her she can always blame her big, bad mother when she feels she is being pressured to do something she doesn't want to do. Sometimes it is too hard for a kid to say "no" or "I don't want to" but it is easy to blame it on the parents!

 

We are carrying on with this with our boys.

 

Laura

[Ellie]

I think that's good, but I also think it's important for *him* to know that you will *not* allow him to bully your dd.

[Seeker]

You have done well.

 

I will happily be the bad guy when my daughter feels pressure, but she is a "no means NO" type of girl...so far...(I am so hoping that holds!)

[*********]

Michelle, I think you did great. If it were *my dd, I hope I would've handled it as well.

 

I have a somewhat similar situation. My dss, who is a fantastic kid in many respects, pulls that 'negotiating' thing with me. It's gotten so bad sometimes that the only conclusion I can draw is that negotiating either is allowed or works at his mother's house.

 

We don't allow that sort of nagging, repeated asking, whining negotiation at our house. Period. Zee and Moose don't even try it, and neither does my dsd. Dss, however, was driving me i.n.s.a.n.e. with it.

 

So I sat him down and had a chat. I explained what he was doing that I was not going to tolerate anymore. I explained that in our house, children are to obey promptly and cheerfully (or at the minimum, respectfully), which includes when the answer to their request is 'no'. I told him that I would always be happy to discuss anything with him, so long as he obeyed FIRST and was respectful about any discussion we had. For example, if dss said 'Bethany, can I go over to my friend's house?', and I said 'dss, you need to do your homework first, then you may go.' Dss would start with the 'but I can do my homework later, and I want to go now, please please please...'. It drove me crazy, and I could not stand the example it set for the little boys. So we did some role playing, and I told dss a better response would have been 'Ok, I can do my homework first. But it will be dark soon, and friend and I wanted to skateboard. Would it be ok if I came in at X time and did my homework then?', said in a respectful, non-whiny tone. Then I would either say 'yes' or 'no', and explain my decision. And that would be the end of the discussion. Period. No whining, no fussing; just respectful compliance on his part.

 

He's gotten better, but he has a way to go yet. He's such a great kid, I hate to have this thing that I really can't stand that he does. I also examined my own reactions in the past, and I discovered that there were perhaps times that his whining caused me to give in just so I wouldn't have to hear it anymore. Sad, but true. So to be sure, I don't do that anymore. I suspect that his negotiating still does work on *someone in his life (likely his mother, I'd guess). He just needs to know that it doesn't work on *me. ;)

 

All that to say, the friend of your dd very likely uses those tactics on his own parents, and they very likely work. Which is why he wants to teach the magic to his friend, LOL.

[Denisemomof4]

I think it's good for two reasons: first you're giving her the skills she needs to handle this situation, and yet you're remaining involved. Second, you're teaching HER how to stand up for herself! I think it's fantastic.

[PineFarmMom]

I think your response was good and helpful to your dd. 11yo ds had an issue with a boy that was like that, but he was not a good kid. He was a neighbor and would just push and push. Ds, who has a strong moral code of his own, wound up agreeing to play video games that we don't allow after being pushed and prodded in that way. We didn't punish him but spent time talking about how he could handle that type of person in the future. If it was a good kid who I thought it was okay for ds to be around we'd probably take bigger measures to make it work. Ds, though, of his own choice, decided he didn't like the stress and frustration in dealing with the kid.

 

I really like what the other parents said about allowing themselves to get the blame in these types of situations. I'm going to make sure mine know they can do that. Dd was asked to fly out of town to a cousin's house at 8yo...she was so grateful that I just said no way. She didn't want to go but didn't want to look like a baby. ;)

[OnTheBrink]

I think that's good, but I also think it's important for *him* to know that you will *not* allow him to bully your dd.

 

Yes, I agree. That's why if it continues, I'll go to his folks about it. I don't feel comfortable confronting him w/o his parents knowing what's up.

 

 

Thank you all for the support and encouragement. I've felt pretty rotten as a parent for the past few years, so much that I second guess things a LOT. I'm glad I'm doing something right! :001_smile:

 

And, I am very blessed to be able to have a decent parenting relationship with EX. He's not someone I'd ever want in my life as a husband again, but he's really trying to be a good father, despite his own history of being abused by both his parents. I do have to give him credit for that.

[Aubrey]

Sounds fine to me. Obviously mine are little, but I went thr this at the same age your dd's at. I was 11ish--maybe 12, "dating" a boy who was 14. On a couple of occasions, when I told him my mom wouldn't let me do something (see an R rated movie), he said, "Just lie."

 

I had a *huge* crush on this guy & was thrilled to be dating him, to be included in his group (very cool), but I didn't lie to my mom. First, I told him that's just dumb. But second, IF I was going to lie to her, it would AT LEAST be over a movie I *wanted* to see & not this ridiculous horror film that I wasn't interested in in the first place. The crush took a long time to lose, but respect? It was going away pretty quickly.

 

If your dd's already stood up to him w/ a firm no, that sounds like a good sign to me. If she knows you're there for her & respect her for being strong, that sounds good, too. I don't have the grown-up side of the experience yet, but after this guy, there were others who wanted to convince me to do things--not much, this guy may have been the most brazen, lol--but nobody but nobody was going to make me feel stupid by talking me into something I didn't want to do w/ *peer pressure.* I'm way too stubborn for that, lol.

 

This guy & I became friends again a few yrs later. We'd broken up, but I still had a huge crush on him (& apparently not great taste, hahaha). Again, he wanted to do something--can't remember what--& he tried to convince me to go along by adding, "Nevermind. I know how *you* are." He went on to explain that I was a prude. I think he felt pretty dumb by the time I was done laughing at that weak excuse for bullying.

 

Ftr, we skipped school together, went to movies together, etc.; I just happened to always tell my mom. She was amazing (sometimes) about understanding & let me do most of the stuff I wanted to do. So the way I put it to him--I have *more* backbone than you because I *will* tell my mom. Maybe I just had a cooler mom. ;)