Haiku Posted October 15, 2009 Author Share Posted October 15, 2009 For some reason I am unable to click through to the second page of this thread ... Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 I would hope that nothing anyone would say to me, including my children, would cause me to slap someone in the face. I grew up in a violent household then stupidly had a violent boyfriend. I heard many reasons why I was slapped/hit/punched, etc. All are excuses for the slapper/hitter/puncher. As to this situation, I don't know what to say, Tara. It is just a word. The problem is the lack of self control, right? That is an important thing to teach your child. I think it is important to address what is acceptable/apporpriate reaction to being told something you don't want to hear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted October 15, 2009 Author Share Posted October 15, 2009 It is just a word. I disagree. It's not just a word, it's an attitude and a way of relating to the world. She needs to be reminded that our family doesn't work that way. Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 (edited) I disagree. It's not just a word, it's an attitude and a way of relating to the world. She needs to be reminded that our family doesn't work that way. Tara Then feel free to disregard what I wrote. I realize that to you her using the word is about her attitude & her way of relating to the world and that your family doesn't work that way. Like I said, disregard if you don't agree. ETA: I do think it is odd? unusual? that you chose to respond to me and not to any of the posters who said there would be a physical punishment for using that word. Edited October 15, 2009 by unsinkable Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted October 15, 2009 Author Share Posted October 15, 2009 ETA: I do think it is odd? unusual? that you chose to respond to me and not to any of the posters who said there would be a physical punishment for using that word. I would never smack my abused child in the mouth, so there was no real point in me debating that with anyone. Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 If one of my dds had done that, life as she knew it would have ceased to exist, for an indefinite period of time--no youth group, no cell phone, no computer, no outside activities, not even Sunday school, within my arm's reach all day, possibly at night, too. Tomato staking at its best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 I guess I read pp wrong. I didn't get the impression from other nor did I intend it that anyone was suggesting that you go back and smack her. Several pp like myself were saying we used to be that mouthy kid and lo and behold our parents dealt with it swiftly and effectively. I would suggest that was proper for our parents bc they knew us. We were simply relating a sympathic understanding for how we drove our parents temporarily insane and understanding how you must be feeling. I agree it's not just a word. I think not being close to ones child would be my greatest heartache. I'm guessing that it is her heartache as well to not feel close to her mother. Altho teaching her how family should treat each other is vital, my top priority would be finding something - anything - that we could connect on. Actually anything she loves I'd make it my mission to learn to love too so we have something to share that does cause division between us. The clock is ticking. She won't be at home many more years. I wouldn't risk having her leave with our relationship like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 No advise except...do you have Love and Logic for Teens? My two teens have been step... with us half time... and easy. It's my 11 year old that is trouble:-) Carrie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted October 15, 2009 Author Share Posted October 15, 2009 Altho teaching her how family should treat each other is vital, my top priority would be finding something - anything - that we could connect on. Actually anything she loves I'd make it my mission to learn to love too so we have something to share that does cause division between us. Yes, I do this. She loves to watch movies, so every Thursday evening is movie night for just her and me. No matter what is going on or how angry we are with each other, everything stops at 8 pm and we watch a movie together. We also make dinner together every Friday evening. She loves to cook and is good at it. I usually don't actually help, but I sit in the kitchen and talk to her while she cooks. Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caribbean Queen Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Tara, it sounds like you are doing a good job. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Honestly? Since she went to her room, she clearly knew she was in trouble. I'd call a family meeting (DD and parents), and we'd decide together what an appropriate consequence would be. Of course, if she said it in front of DW#2, the can of true b**chiness she would open on said child would probably more than cover it. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pqr Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 It is just a word. Would you say that about some other words as well? There are some words that WILL get a child hurt if the wrong person hears them use them? Where do you draw the line? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Would you say that about some other words as well? There are some words that WILL get a child hurt if the wrong person hears them use them? Where do you draw the line? In my original post, I said I thought it was about self-control. She shouldn't have gotten so bent out of shape over a reasonable request. The word was a reflection of her over reaction, IMO. I didn't say there shouldn't be consequences. And I guess, based on some responses, the b-word got/would get a lot of people on this board hurt when they used it/hear it used. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momofkhm Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 I think grounding is fine in this case especially, maybe too easy. But with her missing out on things she's looking forward to, I think it good. Another thing to look at - what is her "currency"? What does she care most about? Is being grounded going to be no big deal becasue she'll just be on the computer the whole time? Will it actually make a difference because she won't be spending time with her friends? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted October 15, 2009 Author Share Posted October 15, 2009 Another thing to look at - what is her "currency"? What does she care most about? Is being grounded going to be no big deal becasue she'll just be on the computer the whole time? Will it actually make a difference because she won't be spending time with her friends? Her currency is tv time, which she is grounded from. She is also grounded from the phone and the computer. We will still, however, do our weekly Thursday night movie because we promised one another that nothing would ever get in the way of that. Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ester Maria Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 I wouldn't respond, at least not right away. When my daughters cross the line (which is extremely rarely, and it never came to a point of calling me that way), I don't react instantly. I give them a stern, a little puzzled look (the "stabbing" one I learned from my mother, if I can do it half as well as she does - it's effective), and ignore it. Usually it makes them very uncomfortable for itself. When you postpone your reaction, it gives you time to chill, rethink the situation and really think about what a proper reaction would be, especially if you talk about it with your child after a few hours. Sometimes all they need is a hug and feeling of being welcome, and not any type of isolation - sometimes the look they receive and the situation itself makes them feel embarrassed enough, they feel guilty and don't need any kind of additional emotional manipulations from my side (and overall, I believe the worst way to punish a child is emotionally - think of days of bitterness and cold in the air, I couldn't stand it personally). (I would also NEVER force an apology - I believe it's something that must come from a person, and NEVER be forced because of "correctness".) And sometimes, they do feel some kind of consequence. But never emotional, and never administered as a "punishment" from the Almighty Mother - I never came to my daughters and said "You're punished and you can't do X for Y period of time", I always did it subtly, never with an intention to break their spirits, punishments from my side were always said as by-the-way suggestions ("I can see you're nervous, I think taking a little break from technology for a few days would do you good, or maybe some additional physical work at the house, such as..."), even though they were perfectly aware of it being a punishment. So if I were called in such a manner, I would probably do the same - take time to relax not to do anything out of immediate anger, and then talk about it and punish her "indirectly", if needed. At all costs I avoid embarrassing my daughters and break their spirits. Sometimes the fact itself that I avoid it, and they know I should embarrass them and make them feel bad, makes them uncomfortable enough. I dislike some of the suggestions I've read here - "I'd show her what kind of b*tch I can be" and alike. Honestly, to me it seems like an "eye for eye" logic, and as REVENGE more than normal punishment. I also dislike tensions which are intentionally provoked in order to make somebody feel uncomfortable - again, that's revenge, not a punishment. I don't teach my kids revenge - I teach them forgiveness of others' faults and errors, avoiding to judge people (included our own family members), the need to treat the people we love with utmost care, even when they do something bad or hurt us (and especially if they feel bad about it already). Never to create MORE tension, more disorder and more unhappiness in the air. I'm honestly surprised some of you brought that up as a legitimate option. In fact, I would go as far to say I wouldn't feel particularly bothered (of course, that depends on the occasion too) if it escaped their mouth at some point some day. What would disturb me - greatly - is if I saw they feel more or less okay after having said that to me, or if they repeated it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa in Jax Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 We have similar issues with our son, who was adopted at age 4. I completely understand everything you wrote -- about not being close, about teaching what a family does, behavioral expectations, etc. Kids like ours make discipline so much harder sometimes. Your response seems totally appropriate. Keep up the fabulous work. :) Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EthiopianFood Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Since this thread just keeps on going, I'll ask: Tara, have you already been through all the attachment therapy hoops? It just breaks my heart when I hear of older adoptees and their families struggling so much. I haven't lived it myself, but I've had 8 years of wondering if it will ever bemy time to adopt, so I've had plenty of time to educate myself. No easy answers, obviously. :( You handled the situation really well. I hope I can be as calm if I am ever in a similar situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Cursing doesn't bother me terribly nor do I get flustered with the, "I Hate You!"s, "You're mean!"s or other derogatory remarks on my person. I can even take fairly light hearted, "God mom, you are such a b*tch." or just plain ole "B*tch" but I am not your average mom. :grouphug: Really?? I have four children. My DS was the challenging child from you know where, especially through his teen years. But I NEVER had a single child call me a name of any kind, let alone tell me, "I hate you." Absolutely never. My jaw would have hit the floor in shock if they had. Name calling is just not something that we do in our family and it wouldn't have been tolerated just like any other rude behavior is not tolerated. I guess everybody is different. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 I dislike some of the suggestions I've read here - "I'd show her what kind of b*tch I can be" and alike. Honestly, to me it seems like an "eye for eye" logic, and as REVENGE more than normal punishment. That would be me. No, not revenge at all, but to make them aware of all the cushy wonderful things they take for granted. Like a hot dinner. They could have cereal. Or drink water instead of OJ. I remember when I was a young mother and my son was testing me, and the school. The principal called me in and gave me some pointers I should have heeded. He gave me an example of his son disobeying. Son could take a shower, but it was cold-(he turned the heater off). Family would sit down to a wonderful dinner, but he got PB&J. It was a matter of consequences. My son went to jail for a year yesterday for something as easy as keeping his appointments, and believe you me, I really, really wished I had exacted consequences with a more black and white reaction. It all depends on the kid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 That would be me. No, not revenge at all, but to make them aware of all the cushy wonderful things they take for granted. Like a hot dinner. They could have cereal. Or drink water instead of OJ. I remember when I was a young mother and my son was testing me, and the school. The principal called me in and gave me some pointers I should have heeded. He gave me an example of his son disobeying. Son could take a shower, but it was cold-(he turned the heater off). Family would sit down to a wonderful dinner, but he got PB&J. It was a matter of consequences. My son went to jail for a year yesterday for something as easy as keeping his appointments, and believe you me, I really, really wished I had exacted consequences with a more black and white reaction. It all depends on the kid. I am so sorry about your son. It is easy for me to say, but please be kind to yourself. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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