kalanamak Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 1) friend is 7 and is self-conscious about his stitches and the vomiting, and has stitches on eyelid, mouth, and cheek. He said he didn't want to be seen, but is inclined to strident statements he doesn't really mean. 2) kiddo thinks friend's face is "awful" 3) kiddo saw the dog have to be pried off friend's face, the EMS people staunch the blood, and was in the our van, which transported the child to the hospital. 4) kiddo has the misguided opinion that friend "deserved" this because he is a child who hits and hurts others (and who had not business running up to a leashed strange dog and putting his face suddenly in this dog's face). I have discussed the difference between consequences of impulsive behavior and "deserving" something. 5) Kiddo is his usual self, calm, can talk about the event, etc. but just thinks the face is ugly. He is usually very interested in injury and went over everyone one of my needle marks after my stay in the hospital. 6) I think kiddo can say no to visiting, as he already visited today, and the child vomited twice. Unless both boys express interest in a visit, I think he can say no. Hubby disagrees...and wants to visit more, but feels odd about going by himself. 7) (Not a bash, just cold hard facts). 8) The dog was a stranger and none of my family was in the least at fault, and hubby stayed with mother and child at ER, got meds, etc. until 2 a.m this morning. 9) This is the somewhat out of control child who put stool in my son's face and pushed him off a bike, and whose family hubby has taken in, and probably has a Christian feeling towards "not giving up" on them, the Cuban lady with the Russian husband, if anyone remembers. I, personally, think this is getting old, as this is the second time hubby has risked a bite dealing with dogs and this family, first their dog having to be pried off another dog's neck, and now this. Thus I may be biased in indulging kiddo, and let him get away with not visiting an "ugly" friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 I think it is a simple matter of capacity. Your 7 year old son does not have the capacity to visit him more than once a day (or even longer). If your dh wants to go, fine. If not, it's ok too. Unless it was a family member, I wouldn't be camping out at the hospital either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jujsky Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Quite honestly, after reading your post I don't understand why you would encourage a friendship with this child to begin with. I feel awful for him that he's hurt, and he certainly didn't deserve it, but he sounds like he's a bit out of control. Based on the things your child has said about him (that he deserved what happened and such) that sounds to me like he doesn't think that highly of the kid either. If this family is your husband's project, let him deal with them. Your son shouldn't be forced to if it's not what he wants. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted August 18, 2009 Author Share Posted August 18, 2009 Husband out of town, so mother and child are alone out here, hospital is miles from home, they were all in the van together at the beach when the bite happened, and you can never tell how long it would take at an ER. And, her English is not good. I think staying at the hospital was fine, and I don't mind his social work with them, I just don't want my son having to pay the price of his social work, KWIM? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 I would never, ever force a child to visit someone in the hospital. 7 is far too young - - if they can handle it, then great, but forcing your ds to go is just asking for trouble. If he feels really anxious and pressured, he may say something very offensive, like the 'he deserved it' remark. Plus, the kid said he didn't want visitors. Very rude to assume you know that he really does want them! When I'm sick past the level of conversing, I despise anyone trying to 'visit' me. This boy is scared and hurt and puking, and I don't doubt that he only wants his mom there. Your dh needs to worry about what he wants to do, and not try to force or guilt anyone else into going. I wouldn't be surprised if your son isn't feeling very kindly toward this boy right now. From our point of view, of course the child didn't deserve a terrible injury. From your son's point of view, this boy is constantly misbehaving and making scary, bad things happen - - not to mention taking away his father's attention. You can keep talking to him about it, but you can't force him to feel differently. ((not that this would be the only reason he doesn't want to go)) I'd encourage your son to draw a picture or such. I would neither require nor encourage visitation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keptwoman Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 I would never, ever force a child to visit someone in the hospital. 7 is far too young - - if they can handle it, then great, but forcing your ds to go is just asking for trouble. If he feels really anxious and pressured, he may say something very offensive, like the 'he deserved it' remark. Plus, the kid said he didn't want visitors. Very rude to assume you know that he really does want them! When I'm sick past the level of conversing, I despise anyone trying to 'visit' me. This boy is scared and hurt and puking, and I don't doubt that he only wants his mom there. I'd encourage your son to draw a picture or such. I would neither require nor encourage visitation. It's a very hard thing to ask of a 7year old. Hospitals are boring at best and scary at worst at that age, what is your son supposed to DO during the visit? I agree that your son drawing the child a picture or even perhaps making some home made play dough would be a nicer thing for him to do. I also agree on the child perhaps not wanting visitors. A story famous in my family is when I was ill in hospital as a child and some relatives drove a number of hours to visit me only to be told by me to "go away!" I understand to an adult, visitors might seem appealing, but that isn't necessarily the case for a sick and hurting child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plucky Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 He can just send a card. I don't see why he has to visit especially if the kid with the face wounds doesn't want people to see him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted August 18, 2009 Author Share Posted August 18, 2009 Plus, the kid said he didn't want visitors. Very rude to assume you know that he really does want them! I wouldn't be surprised if your son isn't feeling very kindly toward this boy right now. From our point of view, of course the child didn't deserve a terrible injury. I think the kid is doing the melodramatic "I'm terrible" (which he sometimes does and hits his head with his fist). He really does like being loved. They are home, not the hospital, and my son LOVES to bike and run with this kid, but not eat with him, etc. Kid is only kid who can keep up with son. Kiddo loves to buy him presents and wrap them, so I think he likes him for what he is "good" at, and that is outdoor activity. They meet at the park. It is sort of his first stereotypical "guy" friend, which is about what you do together, not who you are, etc. I'm getting the feeling that my opposition to the visit is not based on my bias against this kid....that was my worry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 I would have him draw a picture or make a card (heck, even just sign one). I think it's nice that your dh has a soft spot for this family, but it just sounds like a bunch of trouble. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phathui5 Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 I would wait until your son wants to see him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 I would say to give the kids some space. Kids forgive quick and will find their own way back to one another. I can't imagine forcing them together around a horrific event will solidify their friendship...only cause more uncomfortable feelings. I would help ds make cards and bake cookies. Allow ds to call him and chat (you may need to prompt the dialogue along). If they both have the same video game with WiFi maybe you can link up some games so they can play but not be in the same room. There are ways to show compassion, without forcing an awkward situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 I would not force him to visit more than he wants to. I do not even make my older kiddos visit my younger son when he is in the hospital. They do ask and I will take them, but I never force them to go. My kids are used to our local children's hospital, but still the 'medical stuff' is a bit scary sometimes (except for my 5 yr old who thinks it is cool *sigh*). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 (edited) your 7 year old has a voice and it is important for his voice to be heard. If he does not want to go, and he has indicated this to you, please respect him. Children must know that their voice is being heard! I am not trying to be rude or obnoxious with the red ink and the big font, but I cannot tell you how strongly I feel about children knowing that their voice is being heard! Edited August 18, 2009 by MariannNOVA spelling Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EKS Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 I would never, ever force a child to visit someone in the hospital. Especially someone who is doing potentially scary things like vomiting. That can be unsettling for a kid. Or even for an adult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted August 18, 2009 Author Share Posted August 18, 2009 (edited) Hubby was grumpy, but I walked kiddo over to a park to keep kiddo from a forced visit. Hubby walked over later and wept (first time I've ever seen him do so) in the park about the whole business. I guess I know who was really traumatized. I encouraged the two of them to buy a present for the friend and take it over tomorrow. We have an agreement. Friend is looking forward to it, as are my boys, and friend's dad is flying home early. Edited August 18, 2009 by kalanamak spelling Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMCassandra Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 I'm coming in late to this. I'm glad there's a resolution. The major thing that struck me was how two goals seemed to be enmeshed: 1) DH's desire to help the family and 2) the boys' relationship. In this case, I think the two should be kept separate. And I have no absolutely doubt that your son's voice will be heard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in CA Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 (edited) glad it worked out! Edited August 19, 2009 by Jean in CA didn't see follow up post Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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