OnTheBrink Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 ...though I would be VERY cautious about cleaning out the bank accounts. Three more things: 1. Depending on how long he has been seeing this woman, he may have hid assets quite a bit already. Stop and think about what prospects and holdings you and he have, and make extensive notes. Copy all documents that are of a financial nature, and call the holders to check current balances. You may find, for instance, that you no longer have access to some of your brokerage account information. Get what you can while you can. 2. Don't forget about retirement plans. His should be partly yours. 3. Consider having child support automatically taken through the state. Although that does slow down your funds, it also makes it a lot harder for him to simply fail to pay for a period of time. There is much less onus on this process than there used to be. I completely agree with #3. My alimony and child support is garnished from EX's paycheck and directly deposited into my bank account. I never had any issue with the funds being slowed down, though. I think this might be a CA issue. Anyway, EX get's paid and I get the $$ 2 days later. I think this plan really eliminates a lot of issues. You can ask to have this done and it be part of the divorce settlement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingersmom Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I completely agree with #3. My alimony and child support is garnished from EX's paycheck and directly deposited into my bank account. I never had any issue with the funds being slowed down, though. I think this might be a CA issue. Anyway, EX get's paid and I get the $$ 2 days later. I think this plan really eliminates a lot of issues. You can ask to have this done and it be part of the divorce settlement. The best part of having child support garnished from his paycheck is he is forced to pay. Before I went this route my X would just not pay when he did not feel like it. With his paycheck being garnished I got the money within a day or two of him being paid. Your local child support office will also keep tabs on what he is supposed to be paying and if he falls behind they will be the one to see that he faces the consequences (in NY you lose your license first, then jail). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blessed2fosteradopt Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 I don't have anything to add but just wanted to say that my thoughts and prayers are with you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 I am sorry you are facing this. It looks like you have gotten tons of advice already so I will not repeat any of it. I do want to caution though, while I agree with not changing things right away as far as getting work etc, do be thinking of what jobs you can do while homeschooling even if he is paying child support. Right now he says he is on board, wants you to continue, will pay support etc. There is no guarantee that will continue though, and you need to be in a position to care for the kids even without the support payments. Once the divorce is finalized, even if his wages are garnished, I would say find even a p/t job, or do childcare for 1 child, something that will allow you to put that amount straight into savings to cover expenses if he suddenly stops paying, or the roof needs repairs, or the tire blows on the car etc. Of the 8 years I have been a single parent, I have only been getting reliable child support for the last 1.5 yrs of it. For 3 years he paid nothing and for the first 3.5 years he only paid what he felt like when he felt like. I am going into my 4th yr homeschooling, so I had to find a way to work and homeschool. For me that meant working split shift in an afterschool daycare. My other caution is about self care. This is an area that I sorely messed up in. There is simply so much to do in 1 day and not enough hours to get it all done that I gave up self care completely. NOw I am facing the consequences, I am completely burnt out and there is still tons to do and not enough hours in the day. If I had given myself even 30 minutes a night devoted to self care I would have been a better mother, and not be so stressed all the time. That 30 minutes really wouldn't have made a difference in what I got done around the house etc anyway because it is never ending. Also make sure you are getting enough sleep. I fall into a pattern of wanting to make sure my lessons are planned, the house is cleaned, the laundry done, the pets cuddled, the books ordered from the library, the kids books preread etcf and I forget to go to bed at a decent hour. Soon I going strong for 20 hours and sleeping for 4 until I get sick and everything comes to a crashing halt, setting me up to restart that pattern to catch up once I am well again. It is better and more productive to get enough sleep everynight from the beginning. Get a good planner like MOTH and plan out your days to help make things run smoother andd things are not forgotten along the way. Single parenting is hard (so is dual parent parenting but its different), you are "on" at all times. Single parenting AND homeschooling is harder, because unlike your single parent counterparts who send the kids ot ps and go off to work you will not get a break from your children very often, or get that adult conversation daily, or have someone ask you how your day/evening is etc. Which is why self care is so important. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 I am sorry you are facing this. It looks like you have gotten tons of advice already so I will not repeat any of it. I do want to caution though, while I agree with not changing things right away as far as getting work etc, do be thinking of what jobs you can do while homeschooling even if he is paying child support. Right now he says he is on board, wants you to continue, will pay support etc. There is no guarantee that will continue though, and you need to be in a position to care for the kids even without the support payments. Once the divorce is finalized, even if his wages are garnished, I would say find even a p/t job, or do childcare for 1 child, something that will allow you to put that amount straight into savings to cover expenses if he suddenly stops paying, or the roof needs repairs, or the tire blows on the car etc. Of the 8 years I have been a single parent, I have only been getting reliable child support for the last 1.5 yrs of it. For 3 years he paid nothing and for the first 3.5 years he only paid what he felt like when he felt like. I am going into my 4th yr homeschooling, so I had to find a way to work and homeschool. For me that meant working split shift in an afterschool daycare. My other caution is about self care. This is an area that I sorely messed up in. There is simply so much to do in 1 day and not enough hours to get it all done that I gave up self care completely. NOw I am facing the consequences, I am completely burnt out and there is still tons to do and not enough hours in the day. If I had given myself even 30 minutes a night devoted to self care I would have been a better mother, and not be so stressed all the time. That 30 minutes really wouldn't have made a difference in what I got done around the house etc anyway because it is never ending. Also make sure you are getting enough sleep. I fall into a pattern of wanting to make sure my lessons are planned, the house is cleaned, the laundry done, the pets cuddled, the books ordered from the library, the kids books preread etcf and I forget to go to bed at a decent hour. Soon I going strong for 20 hours and sleeping for 4 until I get sick and everything comes to a crashing halt, setting me up to restart that pattern to catch up once I am well again. It is better and more productive to get enough sleep everynight from the beginning. Get a good planner like MOTH and plan out your days to help make things run smoother andd things are not forgotten along the way. Single parenting is hard (so is dual parent parenting but its different), you are "on" at all times. Single parenting AND homeschooling is harder, because unlike your single parent counterparts who send the kids ot ps and go off to work you will not get a break from your children very often, or get that adult conversation daily, or have someone ask you how your day/evening is etc. Which is why self care is so important. Great post. My personal experience echoes what's already been expressed. I am one of the statistics of "single", homeschooling moms who can't rely on child support. (If you don't know my story, my xh is paying $400 a month for 3 kids but costing us much more in a custody battle). He agreed to many things at the time of divorce; all contested now. Don't rely on your stbxh's current agreeableness as lasting. Part of my income is schooling others, which is legal here. I have 2 other jobs as well, they are done during evening and very early morning hours. SELF CARE is critical. People, spirituality, time for you is *necessary* for you to focus on your kids. Truly. I found a terrific "divorce class" for me and the kids - try googling "Next Steps Divorce Care". Although I am remarried, many of my issues are still like that of a single mom. I divorced for 2 reasons, one was adultery on his part. Feel free to PM me anytime. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coffeefreak Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 I have never been through this, so I hesitated to offer anything other than :grouphug:. But, I was reading the debate about the joint money and I thought I'd suggest something. In our state him going on "vacation" would be considered abandonment. You might want to look into it in your state and get some emergency aid. A friend of mine went to the state and was given money for her mortgage, food stamps and emergency medicaid for her kids. He emptied the bank accounts and she had no income. It was a hard year for her, but now, 4 years later, she is doing great. She started an at home pre-school and gave him the house so she could move into a smaller house that required less work. I'll be sending prayers your way! Blessings! Dorinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 He suggested 'paying me for homeschool services'. Um, don't think so. Don't let your pride short change your kids. And if you reject anything nice he offers, you're forcing him into the "bad guy" role, and you won't like the results of that. Of course, in your mind, he's a bad guy for cheating and leaving, but he can't do that to you again, so it's in everyone's best interests that you make space and be positive about anything good he does. Even if you are thinking very nasty things behind the smile. Don't punish him. He's his own problem now. Or her problem, lol. Let him guilt himself into financially providing for you. It's way easier than suing for it. If you act appreciative, it might help him feel like being more generous, and when your kids start talking about what a git he is, you'll be able to say "at least he pays, which is more than some people do" because that's what your kids want to hear. Just my thoughts... Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted July 30, 2009 Author Share Posted July 30, 2009 he showed up here and we talked for 5 hours, took an hour break, talked 2 more and he's now talking with a friend. He could go either way...the actual act of hurting anyone is tearing him up. He's happy with her. But for the wrong reasons and he's seeing that. out of respect for him and the smallest ever possibility he will come home I can't give more than that. I got a lot from the advice and if it goes the way I don't want I have already secured myself professional services, independent access of money and support system that ROCKS(thank you friends!). It is so nice to not be judged and have so many people offer prayer, advice and true support. thank you. hope to have news of good soon. but if not I will be okay. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConnieB Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 While he is out of town or whatever, but immediately, get thy hands on as much cash as possible, lest he have a change of heart and cut you off. You can tell him afterwards, but not until you have enough to get you and the family through until a judge could put in (and you could enforce) an emergency support order. Put it in an account in your name only. Terri Before you take this advice please seek the counsel of an attorney (you can call most attorneys and ask them the legality of this without charge). In many states this can backfire big time on you. Do not do this unless advised by an attorney who practices in the state/county where you live....they will know not only the law, but how the Judges view this action (sometimes it can be legal, but the Judge's don't like it and the last thing you want is a strike against you with the Judge....you want to be the "victim" in this, not make it look like you're the evil one, lol.) Now, Terri, don't feel that I'm jumping on you.......it's a common reaction to want to do, and financially very practical. Many husband do empty the accounts before the wife even knows there is a marital problem, and then of course they are so desperate for money they'll sign anything to have food on the table for their little ones. Fortunately Judge's don't take kindly to this, and while it's rough going until you can see a Judge, a good attorney can get you into a court on an emergency order within a few days or a week at most (depends on how your court system works). In the meantime, you can and should use credit cards for LIVING expenses....not to get your nails done, not for new clothes even for the kids, but for expenses that the Judge will see were necessary to maintain health and welfare of the children. Food, bills so that electricity isn't turned off, the absolute necessities. The frivolous things will make the Judge less apt to believe you need as much as you request. Yes, it's all a game....convince the Judge which of you is more worthy....because each of you (either personally or through your attorney) will be telling the Judge how evil the other is, and so the Judge must base his decisions, at least at first, on how reasonable the requests and accusations are......saying you need the full family budget amount to "survive" isn't going to go over well.....providing a bare bones budget with the caveat that this IS bare bones will make the Judge more likely to see you are doing what is necessary, not through greed or even through not truly thinking through what is "necessary". Later the Judge will get to know each of you through your actions and motions/filings, and make long term decisions based more on facts than on impressions. In the case, like this, where at least for now DH is cooperative all this may not be necessary, but OP will be wise to be sure that she either understands the little nuances of the law or has someone representing her who does.....missteps can end up costing you much more than the attorney fees would have in the first place. Many a wife has lost custody or not received enough support to live even bare bones, because she thought she could simply go in and tell the Judge the truth, when DH had a sharp attorney that thwarted her every move. And just as many sign agreements drawn up by DH's attorney after DH tells her they only need one attorney to save money....but that attorney has HIS best interests not hers. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConnieB Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 he showed up here and we talked for 5 hours, took an hour break, talked 2 more and he's now talking with a friend. He could go either way...the actual act of hurting anyone is tearing him up. He's happy with her. But for the wrong reasons and he's seeing that. out of respect for him and the smallest ever possibility he will come home I can't give more than that. I got a lot from the advice and if it goes the way I don't want I have already secured myself professional services, independent access of money and support system that ROCKS(thank you friends!). It is so nice to not be judged and have so many people offer prayer, advice and true support. thank you. hope to have news of good soon. but if not I will be okay. Oh wow! Wish I'd read the rest of the thread before responding to that other post, I would have instead rejoiced with you. You still have a long road ahead of you, and I strongly urge you to seek counseling, either professionally or at least from someone (like a pastor) that has some experience in these situations. You need to be sure that you are making decisions soundly, not emotionally, and that he is also acting truthfully, and not emotionally either. The last thing you need is a short lived reconciliation, as that pain can be even worse (I know you don't think it possible, but believe me). The two of you should also seek couple counseling so that you can work through whatever caused this problem in the first place.....it's not so much finding fault, as understanding what each of you were not saying, feeling, doing, that made the marriage so fragile that it was so easily broken. It wasn't just him having an affair, that's often the breaking straw.....but the cracks probably started long ago, and each of you weren't receiving what you needed from the other to be there for the other. It's never as black and white as we think. My thoughts and prayers are with you and the children, that things work out for your family that are best for your family. Whatever that may be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teamturner Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 I'm so glad to hear that you guys had this talk. I will pray for you as you walk this difficult path. :grouphug: May you feel God's presence and power holding you up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 From a realistic and practical standpoint..... If you ever decide to resume marital intimacy (or if you've been intimate lately), please BOTH get tested. You have a third and unknown health risk involved. If it were me, I'd insist on it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 Tess, I wish you and your H the very best. I hope a reconciliation is possible and that he'll work his *insert another word for donkey here* to earn your trust and respect again. If he doesn't, you know what to do to protect yourself and your dc. Continuing to keep you and your family in prayer. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iluvmy4blessings Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 I haven't had a chance to read all the other posts on here yet, so not sure what the update is but I had to respond to you because this exact same thing happened to me! First off, I wanted to tell you to get a lawyer ASAP if possible. I hope you have family or someone who can help you with a deposit for a really good lawyer. Also you can most definitely get an agreement in writing BEFORE you have to go through with filing divorce. This is done all the time so whoever told you that you have to sue for divorce prior to getting an agreement in place doesn't sound completely correct to me. I did not want to sue my husband for divorce but I DID want something in writing about finances. So we had a financial agreement put in place quickly which he signed. This agreement is legal and binding and can be just temporary or indefinite. All of that can be in place without you ever actually divorcing him. That way if you decide to get back together later on, then you can. Now I will tell you that I ended up getting divorced because my husband (now ex) was just too far gone in his own heart to come back. He wanted to be with the other woman and was willing to sign just about anything over to me in order for me to let him go. As someone previously said, it is best for you to get things in writing while he is desperate to be with the other woman. Yes it hurts to do it and I was throwing up on a daily basis while this was happening, BUT I will never regret having things put in writing while he was in this state of mind. He was on a romantic high with the other woman and living "on love" in his mind (I would call it lust but whatever :)....anyway, he was willing to sign off on just about whatever I wanted and he did. As a result I got everything and then some. Let me also say for the record that I am a Christian and I did pray about this. So if you are a Christian then pray about it. However, my husband was gone and not coming back. I was willing to take him back even knowing he had been with at least 2 different women during his mid life crisis. I begged and pleaded but he wasn't coming back. Once I realized that he was not going to come back no matter what....I let go of that fantasy and turned my focus on getting everything I could possibly get financially. Once I accomplished that, I felt much better. I still cried a lot, but wiping my tears with the dollar bills he had to pay me sure did help..lol..ok before you think I sound horribly bitter, I want you to know that I am NOT. However knowing I got the best possible deal that I could really did help me heal. I also walk in total forgiveness to ex husband and I get along with him (and new wife) perfectly. I put a smile on my face and act sweet as punch to him and her at all times. Yes it hurts but less as time goes on. The second part to this long story (sorry) is that I did NOT have faith that I would be able to continue homeschooling so I put my kids in public school. I happen to be a teacher, so I got a job teaching at a private Christian school but even with the discount I could not afford to bring my kids there. Ironic huh? So for the past 2 years my kids have been in public school. I worked at this Christian school and in one year we had 4 kids expelled for having sex on campus (7th and 8th graders), several for stealing, smoking, alcohol, drugs. The kids I work with mostly come from troubled homes and their parents put them there hoping we can help them. Working on the inside of the Christian school made me realize that it was not any better than public (at least not where I am). I just recently made the decision to go back to homeschooling this year. I make enough off of child suport to live off of that, but I will lose my health insurance. I am trying to figure out what to do about that and looking for another job I can do at home. I am prayign that I will get offered a job through K12 to be a virtual teacher. If not that I may just find something in the evening. I'm praying it out right now!! However, I know that God will provide. He always does! I am praying for you because I know for a fact that you are walking through the fire right now. You will come out on the other side!! You will survive! Play that Gloria Gaynor song every day!! LOL.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted August 2, 2009 Share Posted August 2, 2009 (edited) Oh wow! Wish I'd read the rest of the thread before responding to that other post, I would have instead rejoiced with you. You still have a long road ahead of you, and I strongly urge you to seek counseling, either professionally or at least from someone (like a pastor) that has some experience in these situations. . Ask him if he is willing to stop all contact with her and immediately go to counseling - I would seek out a professional counselor - for the exact reasons Connie mentioned in her post. I think you mentioned somewhere that you are Christian - newlife.com (Christian Counselors) seems to be a great resource and if you call them they can refer you to a well trained counselor in your area. If this woman is someone he met at work, it may be good to ask if he can be transferred or look for another job. Not a great time to do this but your marriage needs a chance. Praying for you! Edited August 2, 2009 by Liz CA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riverfront Headmistress Posted August 2, 2009 Share Posted August 2, 2009 Tess, I'll be praying for you and your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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