How do you parent?

[mommy2be]

All of the recent threads about parenting have got me wondering... how many of you have a set 'plan' or 'ideal' parenting style? How many of you are just rolling with the punches or going with the flow?

 

I think what I would like to consider my parenting style to be would be positive reinforcement, trying not to react to negative behavior (when possible), loving, understanding. I want my children to be respectful - but I also want them to enjoy being at home and with the family.

 

For instance, one thing I couldn't stand as a child was "No, because I said so". I know in some instances you don't want to go into detail as to why you say "no", but if you can offer an explanation so that your children understand where you're coming from I think they would/should feel less frustrated. I would like to have very open communication with my children.

 

I try to think a lot about when I was a child - and the things that made me really angry or hurt my feelings. It botherd me when I felt like less of a person because I wasn't an 'adult', when I didn't feel respected or loved, when I was refused something without an explanation.

 

All of this sounds ideal, but I am sure there will be some changes along the way...

 

So, what's your style? What have you learned? What do you wish you had done differently? Are you raising your children the way you always said you would?

[lionfamily1999]

All three of my dcs are so different that I've had to change how I deal with things for each one. I chose roll with the punches, go with the flow, because of that.

 

I've learned that it's really hard to remember that my dcs are not going to be with me forever. My mom was really attached to my older two sibs and it really hurt her when they moved out. I decided, then and there, that I would remember that dh is the only person I can depend on 'till death do us part... now, I know, that's easier said than done.

[mommy2be]

:iagree:

 

Very good point - that you have to treat each child based on their own personality... This is very true!

 

I wanted to add - I kind of have this fear that one day I'll have an "Oh no!" moment and realise all of the sudden that I've gone off track from how I've always said I would raise my children and then I'll have made a mistake or lost time or something... Do any of you ever feel that way too? :confused:

[lionfamily1999]

My dd is 12, she's my height, when we're in public, people assume we're sisters :glare: I think that age and the fact that she LOOKS older has made me question every. single. thing. I've done so far in raising her. It's money where your mouth is time, it's you-better-have-done-a-good-job-because-if-you-haven't-you'll-know-NOW time.

 

I try very hard to remember that all regret does is hurt me.

 

I do have to say, her reaching the age where so many things can go horribly, horribly wrong has made me looks at my sons and consider moving to a deserted island.

[Peela]

 

 

I wanted to add - I kind of have this fear that one day I'll have an "Oh no!" moment and realise all of the sudden that I've gone off track from how I've always said I would raise my children and then I'll have made a mistake or lost time or something... Do any of you ever feel that way too? :confused:

 

I try to raise my kids in a "no regrets" kind of way. I did long term breastfeeding, family bed, little daycare, then later homeschooling. These have been important to me as an ideal of giving my kids heaps of attention and bonding, and I am happy with the results- two very secure teens. However within that, I often lose my temper, or get too tired to play or whatever. I have smacked them out of anger. Overall, I dont feel I have gone off the track- so far- but I really empathise with parents who do, and there are plenty of ways I could have been more perfect.

We are only human. I try and use common sense as much as possible- or I could put it, follow my inner guidance system- rather than external parenting philosophies, which change per generation.

I was just visiting some friends this evening who have a young baby, their first. They are so dedicated, so devoted to giving everything and doing everything right for this baby. They have read a book which is probably full of wonderful wisdom. And it has told them to feed the baby at certain intervals- and if the baby cries in between, and has pooed, been burped and all that- to hold the baby and let it cry. I was there and she fed the baby- for just a few minutes- then burped it- then after a while it started to cry. The dad held it. It cried and cried.

All I wanted to do was put my own breast in the baby's mouth! Because that is how I parented babies- if they are crying, try feeding them more! They are trying a different way. I respect their choice- and who knows?

So I guess I am fairly gentle with myself that I can only do what I feel is best in the moment and if later I realise it was a mistake, beating myself up about it doesnt help at all.

[mommy2be]

The parenting styles and choices do change so much over generations...

I also just try to go with my heart, common sense, etc. in deciding the best way for my DH and I to raise our children. Reading a book by a pediatrician to me (although I'm not knocking it!) doesn't make sense... It just seems too impersonal, and every family is different. And like I said - I try to remember how things made me feel as a child... And my DH and I have talked about the things that affected us, and things that our parents did that we would like to do differently.

I wonder - it seems so many people have said that they just go with the flow. Have they never just sat down with their DH and discussed it, or had any kind of preconceived ideas? Just curious... I am a very laid back easy going person... I'm not finicky or dependant on needing to be told the 'correct' way to do anything - but this is definitely something that my DH and I have discussed and that I've thought a lot about... It makes me wonder - do you parent similarly to the way you were raised? :bigear:

 

There are some things that I do because that's the way my mother did it - but there are other things that I have chosen I would like to do a little differently...

 

Peela - that poor baby! lol! I would have had a hard time watching that baby cry... I breastfeed on demand also, and it always fixes the problem too! haha :tongue_smilie:

[Lovedtodeath]

All three of my dcs are so different that I've had to change how I deal with things for each one. I chose roll with the punches, go with the flow, because of that.

 

I've learned that it's really hard to remember that my dcs are not going to be with me forever. My mom was really attached to my older two sibs and it really hurt her when they moved out. I decided, then and there, that I would remember that dh is the only person I can depend on 'till death do us part... now, I know, that's easier said than done.

:iagree:

 

As to the OP, I have a DD who will argue and exhaust anytime an explanation is given, so I started out that way, but found that it doesn't work with her.

 

I am NOT. My child is nothing like I was as a child and in addition I am not as fun as I planned to be. :(

[Plucky]

I have a style I try to stick with but it has changed as I've learned from my mistakes. I also roll with the punches. I don't think that is conflicting. Having children that are all so different from each other makes it a necessity.

[lionfamily1999]

Well, we discussed homeschooling, lol. I guess we face things as they come up. If we'd have had a plan, I would have felt tied to it (see Peela's story of the crying baby), and I would not have wanted to stray from The Plan. Both of us are relatively laid back. We talk to our kids, one thing that is very important to us both, and we answer their questions (or look up the answers if we don't know). Neither of us want to seem super-human to our kids, so we both apologize if we were wrong and we try to hold everyone in the family to the same standards.

 

We never came up with anything definite, just vague impressions of how we wanted it to go, what was important and what wasn't.

[lionfamily1999]

I am NOT. My child is nothing like I was as a child and in addition I am not as fun as I planned to be. :(

I found out that I am not spontaneous and coming up with "fun" things to say or do is really hard for me. For instance, I realized poor Luke did not know many nursery songs beyond the ABC's, so I bought a book and went through it, one song every three days, lol! For some crazy reason, my kids think I'm the 'funnest' most creative person on Earth :lol: I know better ;)

[mommy2be]

I think that's some of my fear - I have these ideas of the kind of parent I want to be - and I'm afraid one day I'll realise I'm not being that parent!

 

I want to be fun, loving, and understanding. But I do want my kids to respect me, it is not ok to walk all over Mom or Dad!

 

I agree with the idea that you don't want your kids to feel you are super human! That's a good thing to keep in mind! I also agree it's ok to say you're sorry if you feel you've done something wrong!

 

I don't have a 'Plan' per se... but we do have things that we have talked about... the way we want to discipline, the way to handle fits, etc... I am a very laid back person - and in life I tend to roll with the punches and go with the flow, but there are certain things I don't want to lose sight of... KWIM?

[Lovedtodeath]

 

I found out that I am not spontaneous and coming up with "fun" things to say or do is really hard for me. For instance, I realized poor Luke did not know many nursery songs beyond the ABC's, so I bought a book and went through it, one song every three days, lol! For some crazy reason, my kids think I'm the 'funnest' most creative person on Earth :lol: I know better ;)

I need help! Tell me what to do.

[Tap]

Each of my kids is phenominally different from one another.

 

dd2 is the type of kid who needs to test every boundary. She will purposefully disobey, look you dead in the eye with a 'what are you going to do about it' glare. She makes me recreate every parenting strategy I have. She will create a bad situation where there was none.

 

dd10 is the type of kid who obeys the boundaries but must know exactly what they are, and wants to have a vast dialogue about every rule and all the possible exceptions, including ones that include our house catching on so she would have to break rule xyz. She will go check out a bad situation, and come home and tell me about it.

 

dd14 is the type who fervently obeys every rule. He wants nothing to do with trouble and if he finds himself in a bad situation, it honestly is because he didn't see it coming.

 

I don't have philosophies of parenting anymore. I just try to see what each kid needs at that particular moment, look at the end result I would like to see, and see if we can meet in the middle.

[lionfamily1999]

I think that's some of my fear - I have these ideas of the kind of parent I want to be - and I'm afraid one day I'll realise I'm not being that parent!

I think all parents worry about that. What if I wake up one day and discover I'm my mother?!?

I want to be fun, loving, and understanding. But I do want my kids to respect me, it is not ok to walk all over Mom or Dad!

That goes under, things that are important. My kids respect other people, their space and their beliefs. They do think dh and I are psychic, :lol: because we know eachother and kids in general well enough to KNOW things that the kids think we shouldn't know. (I know the sound of skin hitting skin, I KNOW if they're fighting, no matter how quiet they are about it, and I KNOW the look they have if they're hiding something).

I agree with the idea that you don't want your kids to feel you are super human! That's a good thing to keep in mind! I also agree it's ok to say you're sorry if you feel you've done something wrong!

 

I don't have a 'Plan' per se... but we do have things that we have talked about... the way we want to discipline, the way to handle fits, etc... I am a very laid back person - and in life I tend to roll with the punches and go with the flow, but there are certain things I don't want to lose sight of... KWIM?

I was a pretty laid back kid. My brother had a terrible temper and so did dh. Because he's strong, we decided in the beginning that I would handle any physical discipline (spanking or restraining, yeah tantrums) until the kids out grew me, then they'd have to face Dad. We do have morals and religious considerations (we want the kids to be Christians), but... I never really thought of needing to keep that in mind, since it's just how we live.

[lionfamily1999]

I need help! Tell me what to do.

The best advice I can offer is, before you say no, ask yourself WHY you're saying no. If it's just because you don't want to, then try to reconsider. I just research when the kids aren't looking and find places that are cheap to free, close to home and have something interesting or neat to offer.

 

Otherwise, I recommend this forum and doing what the Hive tells you to do.:lol:

[mommy2be]

The best advice I can offer is, before you say no, ask yourself WHY you're saying no. If it's just because you don't want to, then try to reconsider.

 

 

:iagree:My little boy is too young where I haven't gone through this with him yet. But I have several young siblings where I was the big sister - I tried to have fun with them, but sometimes I was just a butthead! I remember saying "No!" just because I was crabby or just didn't want to deal with it, when most of the time I didn't actually have a good reason for saying no! I'm sure my parents did the same with me. I want to be more like "Why not?" :D

[amy g.]

The core of my parenting style is respect. Since my children are so different, respecting them can take very different forms.

 

Dh and I only have a disagreement once every 10 years because we are so respectful to each other, and really want the other person to be happy. So this is the only way of relating they are exposed to.

 

Sometimes, I think I should have the most obnoxious kids on earth because I'm not more strict and authoritative. Instead they are turning out so enjoyable because they are emulating the respect and sacrifice that Dh and I have modeled.

 

I was shocked to discover last week that Miss Bossy is a two year old who shares with everyone...even grabby kids....even kids she doesn't know. At first, I couldn't figure out where she learned it. I've sure never forced her to share anything.

 

Then I realized it is a result of how the older kids treat her. They have always indulged her when she goes in their rooms and takes their toys to live in her room. It seems like it would make her feel like the world owes her everything. Instead, it seems to have made her want to be that generous herself.

 

In college, I actually wrote a paper called, "Force Flowers-Not Children". I have not strayed very far from that philosophy, even though I have had dark hours of concern and fear that I was ruining them for life.

 

Fortunately, Dh and I are in agreement about how to parent. I try to just not listen to the people who think we are insane.

[bugs]

My husband and I wanted to make sure we preserved our children's innocence as long as possible and that was the extent of our plan. We've done a decent job of that.

 

I am not the kind of person who had the vaguest idea of what being a parent would be like. My first child came home with us and then I asked my self "holy moly, what now?" I just learn as I go... I don't mind being like my mother in some ways and do try to avoid other parts of her parenting style. But, since she was a single parent, and I am not (thank you Lord!), our styles would naturally differ. I do wish I was a little more spontaneous, but I notice that as my kids get older I find it easier to be so.

 

Anyway, I put down roll with the punches, but I would also answer, learn from my mistakes and make adjustments.

[Mrs.MacGyver]

Before we had kids DH and I sat down and discussed everything. I had NO experience with children. So, it was very helpful for me that we came up with a gameplan from the start. These are values that we don't stray from, but we do grow and change with situations and the personalities of the children - oh, and also our own personal growth.

[gingersmom]

I know I am on the right track because my parenting styles are 1000% different than how I was raised.

 

I tell my children everyday I love them, I praise them regularly, we use constructive criticism and do not actively point out everyone's flaws, we accept each others differences.

 

I am a mix of laid back and strict when needed. The strictness really did surprise me because I never thought I had it in me. But my kids know I say what I mean, so they think twice before doing something I told them they will be punished for (no tv, no computer, etc).

[Garga]

I used to have long discussions with a friend (before kids) about how our kids would sit quietly with hands folded in their laps at church and would always obey, blah, blah, blah.

 

I was a very obedient child. I liked to sit still. Lecture part was my favorite part in school. I sat in church and refused to go to Children's Church from the age of 7 up.

 

And then I had my first ds! Whoa-boy! Strong-willed kid who can NOT sit still. It's the craziest thing. Even as an infant, he could NOT stay still ever. Ever. When he was breastfeeding I used to have to actually tie him down, or he would roll around non-stop. (I would use a blanket to firmly hold him in place is how I "tied" him--I guess like swaddling.) Even now, as a game we try to see how long he can sit still and it's rarely more than a few seconds.

 

My second ds is a sweet, obedient, still boy. But he has this fascinating older brother to follow...so he tends to vacillate between being his own quiet obedient self, and wrestling and wiggling with the older one.

 

I have no idea how to parent them, other than winging it day by day and staying as true to my core beliefs as possible. But the idea of them sitting hands folded in church has long since been thrown out the window. I tend to try to lavish them with time and attention to promote bonds of trust and respect between us, along with having very firm boundaries for the oldest one, who needs them.

[mommy2be]

Hehe, I would love to hear from some more Momma's on this topic...? Or Dad's! :bigear:

[Jill- OK]

I try to raise my kids in a "no regrets" kind of way. I did long term breastfeeding, family bed, little daycare, then later homeschooling. These have been important to me as an ideal of giving my kids heaps of attention and bonding, and I am happy with the results- two very secure teens. However within that, I often lose my temper, or get too tired to play or whatever. I have smacked them out of anger. Overall, I dont feel I have gone off the track- so far- but I really empathise with parents who do, and there are plenty of ways I could have been more perfect.

We are only human. I try and use common sense as much as possible- or I could put it, follow my inner guidance system- rather than external parenting philosophies, which change per generation.

 

So I guess I am fairly gentle with myself that I can only do what I feel is best in the moment and if later I realise it was a mistake, beating myself up about it doesnt help at all.

 

I read a lot, and parenting books fall into the stack, still, too. If I find something that resonates with me, or makes sense, I adopt it. I try to listen when someone has grown children (or grandchildren), especially about what they wish they hadn't done.

 

Of course, as a Christian, the Biblical principles about child-rearing are central to what I believe/do...but I believe they're general points, and the particulars can vary a lot, from individual family to individual family.

 

I don't really fit neatly into one of the categories at the top; I can't classify myself as an "Attachment" parent, even though probably 85% of what I do with Littles looks that way, and I can't jump onto the Ezzo-style, Raising Kids God's Way wagon wholeheartedly, either, although their "funnel" illustration about gradually increasing responsibilities and freedoms as a child grows is one of the most awesome principles I think I've ever come across. (We've used it, and I think it dovetails perfectly with changing relationship and needs as kids hit tween/teen years).

 

So...going with the flow while following a certain "style"? :D Can that be an option?

 

ETA: I'd also add to my agreement with Peela's "doing the best you can, not beating yourself up" approach that apologizing to my kids when I've messed up has probably been the one constant tool that's benefitted all of us (parents and kids) the most, in our journey, thus far. Acknowledging that you're not perfect to your kids is almost as freeing as acknowledging it to yourself.

[Peela]

 

I wonder - it seems so many people have said that they just go with the flow. Have they never just sat down with their DH and discussed it, or had any kind of preconceived ideas? Just curious... I am a very laid back easy going person... I'm not finicky or dependant on needing to be told the 'correct' way to do anything - but this is definitely something that my DH and I have discussed and that I've thought a lot about... It makes me wonder - do you parent similarly to the way you were raised? :bigear:

 

 

 

Dh and I both read the Continuum Concept when dd was a baby and it clicked for both of us so strongly that we were pretty much on the same wavelength from then on- except that he wasnt so happy about me breastfeeding for so long, or tandem bf, but he did accept it because I felt so strongly about it. Even before I had kids or read books I knew how I wanted to parent- attachment parenting- even though I didnt have a clear concept in my mind or words for it.

My parents were definitely easygoing and they really trusted my brother and I. There were a lot of good things about my upbringing. However I would say that I was an insecure child because my parents didnt understand you can't really make a kid independent by force or deliberate neglect. They naturally become indpendent if they are allowed to meet their need for holding, bonding, security, until they are ready to let go. So, the impact of that on me was so strong that I have reared my kids very differently from how I was raised.

Dh was raised in a very rough way- oldest of 5 kids, sent off to boarding school 5 kms away, not allowed home on weekends. He was a wild, rebellious kid- but he was beaten daily at school. It was how he survived without having his spirit crushed. So I think it has been very healing for him to be exposed and then to enact a completely different way of parenting too.

However, we have both done years of therapy and I think that also impacts on our parenting. Its easy to "react" to the way you were brought up and do the opposite, but that's not necessarily coming from intelligence either- its just a reaction. I think we cant but help pass on our wounding to our kids unless we heal it in ourselves first. Although often we dont even know we are wounded until our kids press our buttons.

Dh and I actually disagree a fair bit too over parenting issues. I am much softer, he is much stricter. But somehow we muddle through and the kids accept we are both very different. It's definitely not always a united front.

[tricia]

By choosing my battles wisely. At least to the best of my ability.