Crissy Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Earlier this evening I had a conversation with my husband about some of the things in my life that are beginning to feel overwhelming: caring for other's children, high-maintenance friends, needy family members, etc. I was explaining that I feel badly for my children because I expect them to behave and do the right thing always so I can help others work out their issues and problems without being completely inundated. I told him that I should be focusing more on him, our two boys and our home rather than being a care-taker for so many other people. He laughed out loud and said, "That's who you are! You are the person who takes care of everyone else." :001_huh: When did that happen, and why am I not happy about it? Is it my age (I just turned 39)? Is it some unrelated dissatisfaction with my life? Maybe I am not explaining this very well, but I wonder if anyone here has felt the same way. Do you put too many other people ahead of your own well-being, and some ahead of your immediate family? If you once did, then changed your focus to your own family and your self, how did you do that without hurting feelings or feeling selfish? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom22ns Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 He laughed out loud and said, "That's who you are! You are the person who takes care of everyone else." :lol::lol: Sorry to laugh, but that is me!! I don't put others ahead of my immediate family though. I am their caretakers first and foremost. Then everyone else I can take care of without hurting them. Me, my needs, I have needs? Are you really sure that care takers have needs? I can relate. I do burn out sometimes and I do have to try to pull back, but it it hard and goes against personal nature. I have a child with multiple LDs and when he was younger he required a LOT of extra effort. I did learn that eating right and exercising and making some time for myself were part of staying alive and without me, he wasn't going to have much of a life. It wasn't selfish, it was doing what was best for those around me. I have grown and do better at taking care of myself, but everyone else is still first. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Avila Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Well, I am in the process of doing what you are talking about, but not without hurting feelings, unfortunately. I have struggled with homemaking for a long time, and recently, I have had to completely reassess what we are doing outside the home and in our school to be able to make time for two hours a week of speech therapy for my middle DD and 4+ hours a week of swim team for my oldest DD, and it has caused some hard feelings with a high maintainance friend. It is rough, because I never intended that as a consequence, but honestly, all the people in my life who are really my friends have been so supportive and understanding and helpful that I should really be grateful and focus on that instead of the feathers I inadvertantly ruffled. And honestly, I don't think I realized until all of this how much I have been arranging my life to make other people happy and putting their needs ahead of my own and my family's. So that realization is a blessing too. I really think most women struggle with this, to some extent. But it is even harder when you are pressuring yourself and feeling selfish, while trying to carve out time for yourself and your family amidst the chaos that life can become when your priorities get misplaced. I wasn't doing anything wrong. I was trying to be a good friend, good group member, good whatever, and I just got to a point where I was completely overwhelmed and not doing all the little things that mean the world to my own family and homeschool. Good luck and best wishes to you. Hopefully you will be more successful than I have been with this. As for myself, I think I am finally going to give myself permission to be "selfish" with this and do all the things that make up my vocation as a wife, mother and homeschooler, and let all the things and people who interfere float out of my life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elizabeth Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Earlier this evening I had a conversation with my husband about some of the things in my life that are beginning to feel overwhelming: caring for other's children, high-maintenance friends, needy family members, etc.I was explaining that I feel badly for my children because I expect them to behave and do the right thing always so I can help others work out their issues and problems without being completely inundated. I told him that I should be focusing more on him, our two boys and our home rather than being a care-taker for so many other people. He laughed out loud and said, "That's who you are! You are the person who takes care of everyone else." :001_huh: When did that happen, and why am I not happy about it? Is it my age (I just turned 39)? Is it some unrelated dissatisfaction with my life? Maybe I am not explaining this very well, but I wonder if anyone here has felt the same way. Do you put too many other people ahead of your own well-being, and some ahead of your immediate family? If you once did, then changed your focus to your own family and your self, how did you do that without hurting feelings or feeling selfish? The way I see it you need to read and think about boundaries . People without a healthy sense of boundaries tend to become passive aggressive at worst and self imposed martyrs at minimum. It is not a pleasant way to live . I have several family members who cannot even fathom what such a thing as healthy boundaries might look like and they think I am a ****** for refusing to enmesh myself in their scheming, needing ,whining scenarios. Maybe I am just what they say but I will live better than they because I have learned to say no without guilt or anger. Just say no . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 I have a child with multiple LDs and when he was younger he required a LOT of extra effort. I think part of the issue is that my boys are incredibly easy to care for. They seem to have well set internal compasses, and are both very motivated to do the right thing. Neither have had issues that require extra effort. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 I wasn't doing anything wrong. I was trying to be a good friend, good group member, good whatever, and I just got to a point where I was completely overwhelmed and not doing all the little things that mean the world to my own family and homeschool. That sounds right. I've been going along, trying to do the right thing, and only recently realized that it's all too much. It's not that other's don't deserve help, but that it is my own family that should be getting it from me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 I really think most women struggle with this, to some extent. Almost every woman I know struggles with this. And the few women I know who don't struggle with it, are the ones who cause problems for those of us who do -- they're the ones always asking for "a little favor" and dumping all their burdens on the rest of us. I think for many of us, we get a lot of our sense of self-worth from things we do for other people. We think that the more we do for others, the better we are as a person. Even at great cost to ourselves, or our own families. It shouldn't be that way. I used to feel guilty about pulling away from people who clalmed they "needed" me, but I've come to realize that I wasn't really doing them any favors. I was just enabling their neediness and postponing the time when they would have to find their own inner strength & resources. This has included close family members as well as friends. I love them but I can't be their full-time babysitter/psychiatrist/lawyer/chauffeur/loan officer when I have a family of my own and a "To Do" list that I'll never finish in my lifetime. Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 The way I see it you need to read and think about boundaries . People without a healthy sense of boundaries tend to become passive aggressive at worst and self imposed martyrs at minimum. It is not a pleasant way to live . I have several family members who cannot even fathom what such a thing as healthy boundaries might look like and they think I am a ****** for refusing to enmesh myself in their scheming, needing ,whining scenarios. Maybe I am just what they say but I will live better than they because I have learned to say no without guilt or anger. Just say no . Thank you, Elizabeth. I never thought I had a problem saying, "No," but I think you are right. Doing it without guilt, especially, is something I need to work on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Almost every woman I know struggles with this. And the few women I know who don't struggle with it, are the ones who cause problems for those of us who do -- they're the ones always asking for "a little favor" and dumping all their burdens on the rest of us. I think for many of us, we get a lot of our sense of self-worth from things we do for other people. We think that the more we do for others, the better we are as a person. Even at great cost to ourselves, or our own families. It shouldn't be that way. I used to feel guilty about pulling away from people who clalmed they "needed" me, but I've come to realize that I wasn't really doing them any favors. I was just enabling their neediness and postponing the time when they would have to find their own inner strength & resources. This has included close family members as well as friends. I love them but I can't be their full-time babysitter/psychiatrist/lawyer/chauffeur/loan officer when I have a family of my own and a "To Do" list that I'll never finish in my lifetime. Jackie I agree with much of what you've said here, but disagree with the bolded part. I don't struggle with this, and I'm very certain that I am not contributing to this type of problem for others. Somehow, my experiences with my dad (see my next post) have caused me to be ultra vigilant about healthy boundaries in my life. It doesn't mean that people always handle those boundaries well, but I am very certain that my dh and kids never feel slighted for my time and energy. Dh is a pastor and helping others is a large part of our lives, but we have ground rules. One of the things that youth pastoring taught us is to give most of our energy to helping those who genuinely want to make good choices. That also means that when we have a student or adult that is proving themselves to be crisis driven, we stop giving them the bulk of our time, and explain why. I believe this has created a healthy dynamic within our ministry and personal lives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Earlier this evening I had a conversation with my husband about some of the things in my life that are beginning to feel overwhelming: caring for other's children, high-maintenance friends, needy family members, etc.I was explaining that I feel badly for my children because I expect them to behave and do the right thing always so I can help others work out their issues and problems without being completely inundated. I told him that I should be focusing more on him, our two boys and our home rather than being a care-taker for so many other people. He laughed out loud and said, "That's who you are! You are the person who takes care of everyone else." :001_huh: When did that happen, and why am I not happy about it? Is it my age (I just turned 39)? Is it some unrelated dissatisfaction with my life? Maybe I am not explaining this very well, but I wonder if anyone here has felt the same way. Do you put too many other people ahead of your own well-being, and some ahead of your immediate family? If you once did, then changed your focus to your own family and your self, how did you do that without hurting feelings or feeling selfish? Crissy, I think it's really fantastic that you are realizing this about yourself and ready to make some changes. I have to tell you that my dad, who may be the NICEST guy in the world, struggled terribly with this when I was growing up. Really, he still does. It profoundly impacted both my brother and I. What is that saying, the road to hell is paved with good intentions? I believe that my dad wanted to be a good husband and father, but he was SO consumed with helping other people with whatever crisis they were dealing with, that he didn't see his family crumbling around him. My relationship is not great with my dad. It's not bad, it's just that I don't really need him. He has been absent for so much of my life, even though I lived under his roof until I was married, that at some point he just lost ability to connect with me. I wish you the best in working this out. I think your kids (and husband) will really thank you for it. Best wishes, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 I used to feel guilty about pulling away from people who clalmed they "needed" me, but I've come to realize that I wasn't really doing them any favors. What is it with all our guilt, Jackie?! That is an interesing point, whether or not we are really 'helping'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 I have to tell you that my dad, who may be the NICEST guy in the world, struggled terribly with this when I was growing up. Really, he still does. It profoundly impacted both my brother and I. That is exactly what I worry about! Thank you, Shannon, for your thoughts. I know I want to be a better wife and mother than I have any need to be a friendly helper to others. I just have to work out setting my priorities without feeling as if I am being 'mean' when I say no. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cougarmom4 Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 The first thing that came to my mind when I read your post is a book by Gary & Joy Lundberg, "I Don't Have to Make it All Better." Check it out at Amazon or your library. I read it several years ago and learned a lot--it's very empowering! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 I think we women often gain our self esteem out of being the helper of others. We don't consider ourselves worthy unless we are of some "use" and needed. I don't feel I struggle with this issue particularly, but my dh has been a big help in that regard. He really complains if I over extend myself and burn out. He is protective of me, and very switched on to people who are not healthy for me. And, my health doesnt allow me to be too busy- I burn out easily. DH takes care of lots of people- he is a therapist- he values what I am doing- hopefully helping my kids avoid the need for therapy :) As far as dh is concerned, homeschooling is my job and he doesnt think I should be doing a lot extra- apart from taking care of myself and the family. I talked to him about doing some university by correspondence recently, and he discouraged me, because it would stretch me too far. He is right. I only have a few years left of homeschooling- I will only be in my mid-late 40s- I can widen my sphere and go to uni or whatever then. I dont know how women do it who take care of everyone else. For me, I wouldnt be able to do what is MOST important to me, well, if I spread myself too thin. And at this stage, my family is the priority. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 I think you are in a good place of self-discovery, and I applaud you for looking for and using new insights in your life. One little thing--your kids may look very easy, etc., but if they ever get the idea that you think others take priority over them (frequently, not a little bit now and then), watch out. We had that problem with our kids--Dad is a priest, and one of the things we had to confront was the way our kids (esp the boys) felt that others were a priority over them--how in the world could they compete with the people Dad was helping? How can the needs of a 12 yo compete with the needs of the dying or the devastated? Just make sure your boundaries are healthy, and follow the little clues your heart is telling you. Family first. (Well actually, you first--so you can be healthy enough to take care of them.--like when you are in the airplane and the oxygen mask drops down-put yours on first, then you help your kids). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted June 29, 2009 Author Share Posted June 29, 2009 I want to thank you all for taking the time to help me work this out in my mind. Today is our 12th anniversary, so my husband and I took the day for ourselves. We had a great conversation about evaluating our relationship and our parenting challenges. He seems to feel that my most pressing issue is not one of putting others before my boys, as he feels I do make them a priority, but of having unrealistic expectations regarding their behavior when I've put too much on my plate. I tend to not let them 'be boys' when I get overwhelmed. Well. That's certainly not fair of me. We will all be sitting down together tonight for a conversation where I will make it clear to them that I intend to work on this. I'll start by clearing some of the unnecessary stuff from my calendar and lightening up a little. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharon H in IL Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 I believe that my dad wanted to be a good husband and father, but he was SO consumed with helping other people with whatever crisis they were dealing with, that he didn't see his family crumbling around him. Shannon, this was the dynamic in my family as well. Thinking about it in the years following, I've come to understand that my dad didn't get his own needs met as a child, and he internalized the sense of not being good enough, needing to prove to others that he was worthy of love. But the twist was, that those others had to be outside the family. His own family (us) already loved him, but that wasn't enough. All his spare time was spent taking care of the perpetually needy, and rarely with his kids. It's how he found meaning and love in his life. A couple of months after my mother died, he married one of the needy people whom he had been counseling informally for years. Now he ignores her needs. I still love him to bits, and he's there in an instant if there's a crisis. But not otherwise. He's too busy. :001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 .I told him that I should be focusing more on him, our two boys and our home rather than being a care-taker for so many other people. Just a small point but you can't get out of selfless caretaker mode unless that list of who to focus on starts with you. I don't mean the Me-time stuff that's used to market chocolate and candles or getting away from you family. I just mean making sure that realizing that you need to consider your needs in terms of rest, cleanliness, food, relaxation etc. the foundation that your family rests on. Otherwise you can-refocus on your family but you'll be just as lost and unrecognizable to yourself as your are now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth Conley Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Boy can I relate. OK, I'm 47. I toughened up very recently. It's never too late. Last year our son was diagnosed with a very serious medical problem, and naturally I focused a great deal of attention on him. Boy did the whiny, needy takers in my life get mad! They weren't getting the service they were accustomed to. They acted out so badly that I was forced to recognize that the worst of them would never be friends. Being a caretaker to them was akin to feeding my goldfish, only considerably more time consuming and much less pleasant. In several cases I simply quit, because realized that time and assets given to them were stolen from my family and my friends. In other cases I scaled back dramatically. Two of my needy "pet causes" were literally abusive, and I've acquired a better understanding of their personality type. I now steer clear of them. My son is doing much better, and we've got a laid back home schooling schedule this summer. (We only do an hour and a half M-F during the summer.) My husband is really enjoying seeing me work out regularly, adopt a skin care regimen and get regular manicures. He loves seeing me take care of myself, and so do the kids and my real friends. They like seeing me looking better, feeling better and getting healthier. I encourage you to be analytical about your relationships with the people you help. Which relationships are reasonably healthy? Which are not? Who is being helped, and who is being "enabled"? Who is your friend, and who is using you? I would never advocate cutting off someone who sincerely needs you, but some of the noisiest, whiniest, most pitiful sounding people are actually exploitive abusers, not worthy causes. If some of your pet causes center around people who would rather be dependent than productive, you're enabling. When you cut of the worst of them, the stink they'll make may cause a few people to wonder why you're so mean. Stick to your guns. These parasites aren't anything like the images they present to the world. They're extremely competent when it comes to finding a new host. Since I've scaled back "helping", I've been able to sew cloths and costumes for my family, paint ceramics with my sister, go camping with my son's scout troop, and host many sleepovers for both kids. The kids and I take my parents to museums, parks and gardens about once a week. My husband and I go out about 2 times a week, albeit on the cheap. I have the occasional lunch with my friends now, and I've actually got a bit of spending money. I bought my kids the nicest curriculum sets they've ever had. I can't wait to start the next school year! Our calendar has never been so clear. We're going to be able to take twice the field trips, and we're even taking a vacation to Canada in September. Don't get me wrong, I still do things for people. The only difference is, now I bounce the decision off my husband. He's much smarter about discerning between genuine need and parasitic demands. If he agrees, we help. If he doesn't, I politely decline. Hopefully you aren't as bad about excessive giving, volunteering and helping as I was. Frankly, quiting was hard. I couldn't have done it if I hadn't been able to refocus all my "compulsion to help" onto my son. If you decide to scale back and find it hard, just remember: the eventual results are very rewarding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PineFarmMom Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Maybe I am not explaining this very well, but I wonder if anyone here has felt the same way. Do you put too many other people ahead of your own well-being, and some ahead of your immediate family? If you once did, then changed your focus to your own family and your self, how did you do that without hurting feelings or feeling selfish? I used to be the person you are talking about. I did a lot of enabling and was easily manipulated. The straw that broke the camel for me was a friend who was so needy so much of the time and used me up so much that I was burnt out, spent hours a week with her, and wasn't homeschooling my children well, and I had to just put an end to it. Now it is easier for me to see quickly the ones who will suck my life away. For whatever reason, I just have much better boundaries than I used to. I think it's prayer and scripture and facing what it did to my relationships that mattered most. It also came with the realization that most of the people I tried to help did need help but weren't willing to help themselves. They just liked having someone else step in. It's very easy now for me to offer help to someone, help them once or twice, then recognize whether they are willing to face their own stuff or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Atl Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Sounds like you need someone to care for you every now and then. :grouphug: Often others don't do this when one seems so able to juggle so much, and care for so many others. Wish I lived closer... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kari C in SC Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 I so understand you. I have lots of extended family responsibility. My sister is disabled and needs help with rides, etc. My mom has never driven because where she grew up - a lot of women didn't drive. My dad always took her everywhere. Really, she has been going with me on errands for the last 15 years and it is just normal to me. Taking my sister EVERYWHERE with us is not normal for me. She is manic bipolar with a brain lesion. Makes life interesting. Then I have my dh's side of the family. My nieces and nephews live next door. Their mom passed away over 5 years ago. They were homeschooled by their other aunt until a few months ago. She had to get a full time job. So... here I am offering to homeschool the youngest two even though I have never really done school with more than one kid at a time since my kids are so far spread apart in age. Then I do things like volunteer to do all the crafts for VBS, become leader of my dd's girl scout troop, etc. Yes, there are days when I think I should just focus on teaching my 2 younger kids and keeping my house. Then I realize that this is my family. I love them - with all of their flaws. I am here to help when I can. (Oh and I eat a lot of chocolate!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KYHokiemom Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 (Well actually, you first--so you can be healthy enough to take care of them.--like when you are in the airplane and the oxygen mask drops down-put yours on first, then you help your kids). :iagree: I am like you (and so many others) thinking I should and therefore would help everyone to the extent of sacrificing myself. I am learning to take a step back. It's not wrong or selfish to care for you! My wise MIL once told me that everyone has their own backpack to carry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kristi67 Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 I haven't read the entire thread, but I understand where you are coming from. I just wanted to add, what my husband always says, " Too much of a good thing (helping others in this case) is still too much!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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