Doran Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Maybe that's not the right adjective. But, I'm sitting her wondering why it is that I feel guilty to be awake and on the boards when dh has gone to bed. We often, though not always, go to bed about the same time. Sometimes we chat in bed before we fall asleep. Sometimes we also chat. When he goes to bed well before me, generally to read in bed, and then I notice that the light's out and he is, apparently, asleep, I feel like I've done something wrong. This is especially odd because for YEARS I hated being the last one up. Made me anxious. I think it stemmed from a childhood bout with insomnia. Now, instead of feeling anxious, I feel a tad....I dunno...like I'm misbehaving. How twisted am I? I think I need therapy. If any of you people meet me IRL just nod and smile, would you? :o Doran Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Well, today is my 14th anniversary but hubby is out playing army man for the week. My kids are down for the count with a stomach bug. It's only 6 pm here, I have nobody to entertain and I'm still pretty certain I could be doing something more productive. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennifersLost Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 that made me think of the Gwen Stefani song where she sings "I'm just a girl...they don't let me out late at night." I think that's the thing, right? Somehow as women we're supposed to be watched all the time, as if we were kids. No one comes right out and says it, but it's just assumed we won't be out if our husbands aren't, we shouldn't be up if our husbands aren't, etc. Not that any of our husbands are that way - it's just such a cultural norm that we have that vague feeling of getting away with something if we do it. And Gwen's line has gotten so true for me. As a single woman I was out late all the time at all sorts of things. As a married lady....not so much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in Orlando Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Nothing wrong with quirky! Dh and I have rarely gone to bed at the same time in 18 years of marriage. If I'm not tired and he is, he doesn't want me laying next to him sharing my minute by minute bizarre thoughts or my poking at him to see if he's really asleep. Hmmm maybe I'm quirky too? Enjoy your alone time without guilt! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doran Posted March 5, 2008 Author Share Posted March 5, 2008 Well, today is my 14th anniversary but hubby is out playing army man for the week. My kids are down for the count with a stomach bug. It's only 6 pm here, I have nobody to entertain and I'm still pretty certain I could be doing something more productive. ;) Hope you two can celebrate when army-man returns home. So sorry your kidlets are sick. ((((Mrs. Mungo))) Doran Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doran Posted March 5, 2008 Author Share Posted March 5, 2008 Somehow as women we're supposed to be watched all the time, as if we were kids. No one comes right out and says it, but it's just assumed we won't be out if our husbands aren't, we shouldn't be up if our husbands aren't, etc. Maybe it's there and I don't feel it, but thinking about this (since posting) I can't say this is the reason for my bizarre feelings. I think it has more to do with what I think my dh thinks...that if I'm awake enough to be HERE, then I'm awake enough to be THERE, chatting, kwim? :rolleyes: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Hope you two can celebrate when army-man returns home. So sorry your kidlets are sick. ((((Mrs. Mungo))) Doran We actually celebrated before he left but we can celebrate again when he gets back ;). He'll be back later this week, it's not long-term this time. I think the puking is over, I haven't had to change sheets in about...10 hours. They're all just watching tv though which for my active people is a serious change. I'm just hoping they're not all better and bouncy tomorrow and *I'm* sick. That's when things get dangerous around here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whisperlily Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Maybe it's there and I don't feel it, but thinking about this (since posting) I can't say this is the reason for my bizarre feelings. I think it has more to do with what I think my dh thinks...that if I'm awake enough to be HERE, then I'm awake enough to be THERE, chatting, kwim? :rolleyes: If my DH wanted to chat, he wouldn't be laying there wondering why I'm out here... he'd come get me. ;) In my case, my DH has to leave the house at 1:30am tomorrow, so I'm out here to make sure I'm not keeping him awake with my tossing and turning... and thinking, and planning, and remembering everything I forgot during the day and will forget again tomorrow. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue G in PA Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Never have been, never will be! Our bodies are so "opposite" when it comes to sleep schedules it's a wonder we've ever, um, "connected". :) He is ready for bed at 9:30 :eek: while I'm just getting started. So, he's snoozing now (since 10) and I"m waiting on a load of laundry, fixing a shelf that dd accidentally knocked over this morning and well, getting my board fix! Don't feel guilty! I just make sure that dh and I get some time together before he's down for the count so I don't feel guilty at this time of night! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robin in Tx Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 We rarely go to bed at the same time anymore. Dh likes to go early,and I like to watch late night TV and chat on the boards :). Works well for us, because he really likes to get up before us and have a quiet breakfast and early start to his day (works from home office). When we're up he feels like he has to talk to us! LOL I do what you do a lot... read in bed till he goes to sleep,then get up. It beats keeping him up with my tossing and turning, trying to get to sleep when I'm not tired yet! Quirky can be good. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbeyej Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 It's funny you mention this. I had a fairly explicit heart-to-heart with a male friend a while back... He and dh were best friends from many years back, and I've known him since dh and I were first together. We were talking about the dissolution of his first marriage (which came as a shock but not a surprise to dh and me, if that makes sense) and his subsequent relationship. And he was adamant on the point of going to bed at the same time being vitally important for a marriage. At least for any marriage *he* was a part of. ;) And obviously there are times when one spouse is tired and the other spouse has things that must be done. But I think, for him, the differences in bedtime just signaled the disconnectedness that was the end of the first marriage. Going to bed at the same time was both an act in itself -- physical togetherness (regardless of whether you mean chatting or chatting, Doran, lol) -- and also an emotional affirmation (I'm waiting up for you, or I'm putting these things away to be with you because you're more important). Dh and I don't always go to bed at the same time. Sometimes it's just not possible. But I *have* had that conversation in the back of my mind, and when dh goes to bed before I'd planned and I don't really *need* to do anything else, I'll close up shop and head to bed too. If I'm tired, but I know he must work a little longer, I'll try to wait for him. Sometimes he's going to work a *lot* longer, and I need to sleep! Sometimes he's exhausted and I'd just flip-flop and annoy him, lol, so I stay up working. But I do keep it in mind. I certainly don't think there's anything wrong with different bedtimes. As one of my friends often points out, "some people just have a different deal in their marriage". We all work out "deals" about what's important to us, and how we have to fit our real lives in with our ideals. But I don't think it's quirky or wrong to feel like it's best to go to bed with your spouse. :) And then, well, not to from time to time. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doran Posted March 5, 2008 Author Share Posted March 5, 2008 DH has to leave the house at 1:30am tomorrow, so I'm out here to make sure I'm not keeping him awake... That's barely even worth calling tomorrow! Hope you'll get some sleep at some point! I'll tell you what -- I may be quirky -- but the people who live above us (our rental house is quirky, too, with one family on the downstairs floor and another family upstairs) are cooking something that smells a lot like hot dogs. Or maybe it's nachos. They cook often at this hour (almost midnight here), and I just do NOT get that. I guess we all have our kinks, right? ;) Here's to remembering everything tomorrow! Doran Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doran Posted March 5, 2008 Author Share Posted March 5, 2008 Hmmm maybe I'm quirky too? I knew I liked you for more than just soap! ;) Doran Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 That's barely even worth calling tomorrow! Hope you'll get some sleep at some point! I'll tell you what -- I may be quirky -- but the people who live above us (our rental house is quirky, too, with one family on the downstairs floor and another family upstairs) are cooking something that smells a lot like hot dogs. Or maybe it's nachos. They cook often at this hour (almost midnight here), and I just do NOT get that. I guess we all have our kinks, right? ;) Here's to remembering everything tomorrow! Doran I cook nachos and popcorn quite often late at night. A habit I'm trying to break. *sigh* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whisperlily Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 That's barely even worth calling tomorrow! Hope you'll get some sleep at some point! Oh, yes! You see, normally we all have to get up at 5:30am and take him to work. (The joys of temporarily having only one car.) But he's getting a ride tonight/tomorrow and we get to sleep in! He's going away to an army school for a few weeks. I have a feeling that we're going to enjoy the later mornings while he's gone! I do agree with Abbey, though. My DH likes to go to bed earlier than I do, and going to bed at different times every night does create a bit of a disconnect. I notice a correlation between how things are going between us and our willingness to go to bed at the same time. It's not a written rule or an unspoken sign once a week or so I stay up, but I usually close things down if he's ready for bed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doran Posted March 5, 2008 Author Share Posted March 5, 2008 Sometimes he's going to work a *lot* longer, and I need to sleep! Sometimes he's exhausted and I'd just flip-flop and annoy him, lol, so I stay up working. But I do keep it in mind. .... But I don't think it's quirky or wrong to feel like it's best to go to bed with your spouse. :) And then, well, not to from time to time. Yep, I think that's what I'm doing. Keeping it in mind - hence the sense of doing something wrong. I have folded about four loads of laundry, though, so the night hasn't been entirely frivolous. And, now, I'm off to bed at last. Thanks for letting me know that I don't need therapy..well, at least not for THIS (did you notice how I misspelled maybe (mab-ye) up there under Jennifer's post? Mabye I need thepary for tath! :eek: Doran Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*anj* Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 I cook nachos and popcorn quite often late at night. A habit I'm trying to break. *sigh* I engage in late night popcorn popping as well. Gotta stop that... :rolleyes: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*anj* Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 I know what you mean, Doran. I feel the same way sometimes. Also, I know that I am just really bad about going to bed at night, so if he goes upstairs before me there is a good chance that I'll stay up much too late. What's that all about? I don't know. For myself it's a combination of enjoying the quiet of the house and just being a natural born night owl. I've always been this way. I'll have to ponder the things that Abbey's friend said.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whisperlily Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Also, I know that I am just really bad about going to bed at night, so if he goes upstairs before me there is a good chance that I'll stay up much too late. What's that all about? I don't know. For myself it's a combination of enjoying the quiet of the house and just being a natural born night owl. I've always been this way. Ahh! Me too! And I almost always regret it in the morning. :p Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbeyej Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Ahh! Me too! And I almost always regret it in the morning. :p Lol... I'm much worse about this when dh *isn't* here. Thus the 1am posting! ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Never have been, never will be! Our bodies are so "opposite" when it comes to sleep schedules it's a wonder we've ever, um, "connected". :) He is ready for bed at 9:30 :eek: while I'm just getting started. So, he's snoozing now (since 10) and I"m waiting on a load of laundry, fixing a shelf that dd accidentally knocked over this morning and well, getting my board fix! Don't feel guilty! I just make sure that dh and I get some time together before he's down for the count so I don't feel guilty at this time of night! nt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMindy Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 I know what you mean, Doran. I feel the same way sometimes. Also, I know that I am just really bad about going to bed at night, so if he goes upstairs before me there is a good chance that I'll stay up much too late. What's that all about? I don't know. For myself it's a combination of enjoying the quiet of the house and just being a natural born night owl. I've always been this way.QUOTE] This is me too! I almost always go to bed at the same time as dh, even though I usually read for a while after he goes to sleep. It is important to dh that we go to bed at the same time, and I'm fine with it as long as I can read. But, on the few nights I stay up later than him, I have that same feeling like I'm being kinda sneaky or something. So, I guess I'm quirky too! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs. H. Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Well, dh is a night owl, and I try to stay up with him, but I often fall asleep on the couch, and he wakes me to go to bed. He does like for me to go to bed with him though, because he claims snuggling helps him sleep. As for chatting, that's often a middle-of-the-night thing around here, so when we go to bed doesn't really matter. If I'm sick/tired/etc. and I want to go to bed, I do. It doesn't matter to me if dh goes with me or not, except that I KNOW that he will stay up way later if I'm already in bed than if he knows I'm waiting on him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karenciavo Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 This a rhetorical question, right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michelle T Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 but nothing wrong with that! We are just the opposite of your situation. My DH tends to sit up late at the computer, while I'm in bed. Truthfully, I often find this annoying, as it really cuts down on our marital "chat time", if you KWIM. DH has a part time job as a trainer in a high-intensity exercise program, and he spends way too much time planning sessions, and emailing other people in the program. But quirky is good. Michelle T, who is proud to be quirky :p Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzanne in ABQ Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 That's us, too. Dh is ready to go to sleep by 9:00 every night. Sometimes, I'll go down to tuck the kids in, and when I come back upstairs, he's already in snooze-land! I used to get hurt if he closed the bedroom door, so now he leaves it open. But, I have no desire to go in there and lie next to him listening to him snore. So, I close the door, and go about my business. (It's somehow okay for me to close the door on him, but not okay for him to close it on me. Guess I'm just quirky that way. :)) Anyway, I love a quiet house. I love watching HGTV re-runs, or catching up on the board, or online shopping, or reading, or whatever. No guilt here, except when I stay up WAY too late, and my kids have to wake me up, and I'm dragging all day long. Need to work on that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doran Posted March 5, 2008 Author Share Posted March 5, 2008 This a rhetorical question, right? Kinda. Yeah, sure. Nnnmaybe. "Mabye". Heh...you made me grin. Doran Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doran Posted March 5, 2008 Author Share Posted March 5, 2008 My DH tends to sit up late at the computer, while I'm in bed. Truthfully, I often find this annoying, as it really cuts down on our marital "chat time", if you KWIM. I think you're thinking like my husband is thinking! Maybe I'll just tell him, "Sorry, hon'...but I'm just too quirky tonight." :D Doran Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.griff Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 I just saw this thread. Happy Anniversary! It was our 13th anniversary too. Neato. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jedbel Posted March 6, 2008 Share Posted March 6, 2008 I think most of us are quirky this way! Might have something to do with the fact that we spend all day with our dc and find that the only time we can have ME TIME is when they are asleep:D. Dh goes to bed early and likes for me to go with him (claims he needs me there or he can't fall asleep:o). He also realizes that going online or reading a good book during those precious hours when the kids are in bed is very important for my sanity so we compromise. I go to bed with him but take my laptop or a book with me. He snuggles close and goes right to sleep and I stay awake for awhile longer doing what I like right there next to him. Works for us... LOL! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted March 6, 2008 Share Posted March 6, 2008 He says that he can't sleep if I am not in bed with him. This is difficult for me because I have serious insomnia and I can't go to sleep until all of the kids have settled in. So I usually go to bed when he does and read and then check on the kids before I go to sleep. But I do feel guilty if I sneak out of bed after he has went to sleep. At least he doesn't expect me to get OUT if bed at the same time he does. Our marriage could not survive that. I am sometimes just barely falling asleep when he wakes up. :o Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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