My kids' universities were/are absolutely awful with advising. And all of my kids were promised special advising due to them being in the honors program but it didn't happen. It can be very costly if your student doesn't graduate on time due to poor advising. My kids were really organized and on top of what they needed to graduate except for my one on the spectrum and I was definitely his adviser during his time in college. He did all the coursework, I planned his schedule and courses each semester and had him contact his advisor when there were problems that needed to be addressed. Unfortunately, many advisors are way overworked and underpaid. They have too many students they are responsible for and there is no way they can give each student the time and attention needed.

I love this. So happy for you and just wish it didn't take so long to get where you are now.

aw, that is so sweet! Thank you for sharing and I hope they make it.

Aw, so glad he's home and I bet he is too. ❤️

@Sororno advice but I have to say how very sorry I am for everything your family has been through.

Yes, I feel the same way! Wonderful news! Congratulations!

Yes, I think that was it. He was feeling sad and just needed to talk and then realized that it would upset dd and stopped. I think it was just impulsive when he was feeling bad. He definitely didn't expect or want me to do or say anything to dd and he didn't say anything inappropriate to me - just expressed his hurt. That is scary about the guy finding you and showing up at your door. And it's a very good point that you and the others here have pointed out about dd knowing this information in case there are things I don't know about what's gone on between them. I honestly don't think it's an issue since they are still in touch and she wanted him to bring her to the airport and she cooked him dinner as a thank you before she left. But I don't know what's gone on since then (she's been home for 3 weeks).

@easypeasythank you. 🙂

This is what DH thinks. I showed him the exchange and he thinks it's not worth bringing up and now I'm prepared to handle it a different way if it happens again.

yes yes yes to this. I learned this well from this board and love it. DH struggles with it. I just used this with my toxic MIL a couple of weeks ago when she demanded something unreasonable. I actually had a valid reason to refuse her demands but it was none of her business. DH would rather make something up than do this but I think it works great. MIL hung up on me and hasn't called since I did this. I love it - it's been so peaceful for me without her constant hysterical calls with what she needs/wants. She still emails DH because she knows she can manipulate him (just got him to do something for her yesterday, in fact). I'm sure she went and told everyone what a horrible person I am because I wouldn't do what she wanted (which was absolutely ridiculous) but I can't care about that anymore. You and your kids don't owe her anything. She just wants to keep control and to continue making you miserable.

I agree and didn't realize that until I started the thread. It's unanimous I think that everyone agrees she needs to know. I really wish this never happened. 😞

Thank you. The difference I see in the interactions is that I asked if it was okay if I contacted him while in this case he contacted me. She was absolutely fine with my thanking him and didn't ask what was said or anything like that. Of course, if I ever thought he'd contact me I would have asked her ahead of time what I should do but I didn't think that would happen (he would sometimes contact me or DH when they were a couple with a question or whatever).

That's pretty much what I did. I acknowledged his sadness but certainly didn't give him any hope of them getting back together or say anything personal about dd. He ended the conversation with saying thanks and best wishes and I wished him the same.

What a great story! I know at least one of my sons knows something about the breakup but it wouldn't be right to ask just to be nosy. I don't think so. They were planning on living together this summer (they did last summer during her internship) while they both worked at their respective internships. They broke up a few months ago just before they were going to sign a lease starting in the summer. She had a very rough semester as far as stress and workload so I thought the breakup might have been due to that but I don't know - it's not like they got back together as a couple after classes ended and things settled down. I think he had a rough semester as well.

I am wondering if something happened with them very recently and he just impulsively reached out to me because he's sad? I don't know. I have also wondered if things within their relationship were different than what I saw. You never know what happens behind closed doors. But dd was always telling/showing me things he did for her and she seemed very happy with him. Maybe I'll find out someday. Right now she's really involved with her internship and I don't see a reason to bring it up. Ds2's ex was very friendly and sweet when she was around us but dd didn't like her and always said she seemed fake and dd never said she disliked people. As the relationship progressed we definitely saw a different side of the ex - very high maintenance - which concerned us so we were kind of relieved when they broke up. There was always so much ridiculous drama and poor ds was always bending over backwards trying to please her.

I don't know - maybe I'm naive and gullible but I don't get the impression he's manipulating. In the time I've known him, he's been so polite, friendly, and thoughtful. And he's very young - only 19 - and feeling emotional so I feel like those are good excuses for him to not think this through. He did immediately take back what he said about not telling her that he reached out to me. Maybe it's because I told something when I was very young that pretty much destroyed my family that this bothers me so much. I was so young and felt so guilty for telling. I just don't want to cause any additional drama between them and I don't want anyone being upset with me - I shouldn't have engaged in the conversation and should have waited until dd was available so I could ask her what she wanted me to do. I feel like he needed someone to confide in but obviously I'm not the right choice. He didn't talk about her though - only his own feelings and it was brief. I didn't talk about her either. But I like your example of what to say. Thank you.

She's an extreme introvert with only two other friends and neither of them are close friends - I really don't think he'd do that. He's still her best friend and the only one she communicates with regularly (unless that's changed very recently). I had a bf before DH who would go to my best friend and grill her about me. When we broke up he took it very hard. He didn't contact my friends but that was pre-texting/electronic communication.

I don't think he was being manipulative. Immature maybe (he's not even 20 yet). My feeling - and I could be wrong - is that he's sad and was reaching out to vent. Maybe he felt I was a safe place to do that. I don't know.

Thank you. I like what you wrote about how I should handle this and that's what I think I'll do. So many things come up with kids that you wish you had time to prepare for! What a story about the mother of dd's ex! People are so strange! One more thing - do you think I should say something to dd's ex if I am going to tell dd that he contacted me? I did tell him I wouldn't - stupid stupid. I just want everyone to be happy and I certainly don't want to be the cause of anyone being more upset than they already are. That's where I feel I am now if I say anything - dd will be upset with him and maybe me, and then he'll be upset if she's mad at him for reaching out.

I agree that you should be seen.

I love the idea of reframing - never thought to do that and will try it in the future. I hate leaving the house and rarely do. I used to be really outgoing and now I just want to stay home.

I'm baffled with the CDC guidelines too. Hope you stay healthy and I'm sorry about the stress. Seems like it's never ending. 😞

Wow, you expressed this perfectly. Thank you. ❤️

Thank you! I did check with her before thanking him for taking her to the airport a few weeks ago and she was fine with it. I should have done the same today before he expressed what he did to me. I definitely don't plan on having a secret relationship with him behind her back. And I do completely agree and understand that my first loyalty has to be to dd.

Even if they are still friends? He does us a huge favor by driving her to/from the airport (I don't know if he will again in August when she goes back for fall semester). Thank you. I'm so upset about all of this.