My eighteen-year-old, also adopted, still brings two stuffed animals in the car whenever we go someplace. When I drop her off at choir and Dad picks her up, she brings them into choir with her so that they are with her for the trip home. She does not care if her peers judge her. When she took a community college class, one sat on her desk during class. She and her stuffed animals will be moving into a college dorm in another week or so. I try to trust my child to know what she needs.

I wonder what the niece sees in this friend. Perhaps in some situations she is a great kid. I wonder if a conversation with your niece would give you a fuller understanding and better tolerance. My child is an easy teen but was very difficult as a child. I am sure she irritated many people. Her own grandmother criticised her behavior constantly, instead of celebrating the progress we made. I wanted to tell people that my daughter had to work way harder than most kids to achieve good behavior! Sometimes I did tell them that! And, of course, I had to work twice as hard too. My daughter's experience and my own challenges in social situations make me very tolerant. I would either suggest using humor or being calmly direct. I would be thankful that this child was not mine. Maybe I would even pray for her.

Sometimes, donating is a way to encourage someone who is feeling down. Raising a little money for a cause helps them feel like their lives are meaningful.

Thank you all for the suggestions!

Does anyone have some recommendations for books on maybe a first or second grade reading level that won't seem too babyish for a ten-year-old boy? He gets intimidated by a lot of words on a page. Graphic novels and manga might be best. Cool monsters and lots of action are a plus.

I am delighted to hear this is a trend. And I just thought I had an unusual daughter.

Are you on any Internet forums for parents of kids with attachment and trauma issues? That would be the place to ask for recommendations so that you get a practitioner that will do the right protocols for the types of problems your child may have. I used to be part of the attach-china yahoo group, where some people there had good neurofeedback results. Our kids have mostly grown up, so the group is not very active now. But you could give it a try. There used to be some of the wisest parents in the world on there.

I have not used it but have heard good things about it. The provider may need to understand attachment and trauma. The protocol is different than f or ADHD etc.

I found the pain minimal, much less than when I had my wisdom teeth out. I felt healthier than before within a couple of weeks, but the total recovery time was about six weeks. I did feel fragile and abused for a while. It was hard emotionally, and I even dreamed of buying a pink car. (Pink is normally my least favorite color ever!) My suggestion is to get counseling early on if you need it. I waited too long. ( I had the additional problem of wanting a child, so this was a big big deal for me.) I did have weird insomnia after the hysterectomy. I would wake up with adrenaline rushing through me, feeling like I was tapping into all the mysteries of the universe. Then I would feel terrible the next morning. I don't know why that happened.

I think the difference in behavior with parents and without parents is often unusually pronounced in children with RAD. Also, in RAD, it is NOT because the parents are safer but because they actually feel less safe. They have some level if attachment to parents, which means the parents could hurt them emotionally more than a stranger could.

If she behaves dramatically worse for you than others, I would think there is an attachment disorder in the mix. You might look into neurofeedback, neuroreorganization, emdr. Have you read Nancy Thomas and other writers on attachment? There is probably a good reading list at attach-china.org. I would also suggest you get a professional with attachment experience to help you. And try to get som e help for the stress all this has on you.

We finally have a decision. Where: University of Hartford (The Hartt School) Why: quality professors in music composition program, diversity, reputation in the music field, large performing arts scholarship, not extremely far from home Major: Music Composition

My child is still deciding between University of Hartford and University of Southern Maine. She'll be a music composition student. She feels bonds with the professors from both schools, and that seems to be the major factor for her. The costs are pretty close for us. I think she will mourn for the one she turns down!

Here is my update for my daughter: University of Southern Maine (reported before but now she has a music scholarship in addition) Temple University (scholarship) Rutgers University, New Brunswick Montclair State University University of Hartford (Performing Arts Scholarship) The Temple University scholarship was small compared to the cost with out-of-state tuition. University of Hartford and University of Southern Maine both gave scholarships that cover full tuition, so we just have to pay room and board and fees. For the Hartford scholarship she had to compete at a music composition scholarship day. Our daughter also applied to SUNY Purchase, where she was waitlisted. That school states on its website that it wants homeschoolers to have a GED (or some alternative requirements we couldn't meet). I got special permission for her to apply without a GED. However, I do wonder if that was why she was waitlisted. The music composition person that interviewed her seemed very interested. On the other hand, my daughter did not tour that college before the audition date, so perhaps it was lack of demonstrated interest. Or perhaps others just outcompeted her. I did think it was good that they allowed her to apply without the special credentials they wanted from homeschooled kids. So, if a SUNY school is potentially on your list, you may want to email and see if they will let you apply without a GED!

I think the most important thing for a kid to learn about bullying is that it is not their fault if they are bullied. The bully is the one with a problem. Now you might want to learn some ways to deal with that person who has a problem. But nothing is wrong with you at all if you cannot manage to deflect the bully. Also, this article only deals with the less sophisticated teasing methods. What about the bully who turns every other child against you and leaves you totally isolated. Do you then become the kid who takes a book to recess and pretends you really would rather read than play. How many kids can pull that off, especially on a daily basis?

I think it is good to get and carry a child ID if there is anything about your family that other people might perceive as a red flag. I am an adoptive mother to a child of another race. She came with some emotional issues, so she had occasional public mega-meltdowns until the age of nine. Plus she was tall and therefore looked older. Once in the post office, when she was six or seven, she had a meltdown. I knew she might go on for a while, so to spare everyone's eardrums, I picked her up and carried her out flailing like a fish and screaming. I got to our van, put her in, and was standing outside the van waiting for her to calm down when some women came up to me and asked me if she was my child. At that moment my child was in the van kicking the windows with all her might and screaming, obviously angry. I wanted to say that I certainly would not put up with this behavior if she wasn't mine. And if I was a kidnapper, I'd probably drop this child and find a quieter one! But I simply answered that she was and the woman went away. After that, I got a county ID card that listed me as her parent and had her picture on it. I never needed to use it, but it gave me a lot of piece of mind. Imagine the trauma to a child who was already having attachment problems if the police confiscated her or perhaps even just questioned her! When I tell this story to people who are not adoptive parents, they sometimes say that it is great that people are watching out for children. The incident was very frightening for me, though, and I did not feel glad at all. I understand that we want to watch out for trafficked kids. But I don't want to sacrifice the well-being of my child to protect those children. She is important too! I wish people would use a little emotional intelligence and differentiate between a child who is hopping mad and a child who is terrified. And also differentiate between a harried mom of a kid with emotional issues and a person who is actually causing a child to scream via abuse. Anyway, the best answer I could find to protect my child was a county-issued child ID. And the process of getting it put my child's fingerprints on file for if she ever actually was kidnapped. The process was easy and inexpensive.

My DD has two acceptances so far: Rowan University with merit scholarship University of Southern Maine with President's Scholar Award

I am surprised at the weak evidence for supplements. I have arthritis in my feet. I take glucosamine chondroitin with MSM. My feet actually changed appearance with the supplement! And when I run out of the supplement for a week or so, I definitely notice the pain. Before the supplement, pain was constant. With the supplement I get occasional tingling but seldom anything I would call pain.

Yahoo groups, especially the general China adoption forums and most specially Attach-China, where I learned how to parent my child to support healing of attachment issues.

One other thing -- I would not try to make my child be alone during a rage. Whenever I walked out of the room when my child was falling to pieces, my child went into a total panic. And this reaction lasted into at least the lower teen years, even when my child was doing generally very well. It was very hard to stay present during rages, but I think the natural reaction of leaving the child alone can be a trauma trigger. The child needs to know that her negative feelings will not drive you away.

I'll give you what I have done, but these strategies were for a younger child. Modify or ignore as needed. 1) Somehow your husband needs to learn about RAD. Giving a RAD child more control when the child is struggling is usually a very bad idea. Could your husband get some coaching from the counselor? 2) After a child has had a rage and is calm again (e.g. later in the day or the next day), you can talk about the feelings of all involved. I used little faces I drew to represent emotions and asked my child what her feelings were before, during, and after the meltdown. Then I asked her to do the same with everyone else present, e.g. me, a friend, a teacher. Basically we talked through each episode and the associated emotions in detail. 3) I taught my child to make reparations to people inconvenienced by her fits. These people included me, friends, and teachers. She could set the table, make a card, draw a picture, help with cleaning. She could even choose an apology, although I never pushed the forced apologies that are common in our culture. (I knew I could not force her to make an apology, so I figure it would be foolhardy to try.) I also let her experience the consequences of her behavior. E.g. "I'd really like to read to you, honey, but I am really worn out from all the emotion this afternoon, so I think I need to rest." Or, "I don't think you can go on a playdate today. You're having too much trouble with your feelings." 4) I had a screaming chair for my child. I put it in the middle of the floor where there was nothing she could damage or throw. She sat there to work on her emotions, which meant she could say absolutely anything she wanted, scream, tell me she hated me and wished I never adopted her. The only requirement was that she remain in the chair. I would stay within eyesight, sweeping the floor etc. and projecting calm and cheerfulness. Once in a while, I'd say, "Good work letting those emotions out; keep it up." Once she grew quiet, I would set the timer for two minutes and she had to sit still until it rang. Otherwise, she could continue to work on her emotions. The hard thing with this one is making the child remain on the chair. But you could do this with staying in their room perhaps like the other person who said she sat in the doorway during rages. 5) You can adapt Stanley Greenspan's idea of Floortime to your child's needs. (Google or find one of his books.) At a scheduled time each day, you play with your child and she gets to take control and lead the playing. You follow. It helps to provide something the child likes for this playtime, like certain special toys that are not used other times. 6) When my child was having a bad spell in general, I would tell her she was either on probation or in boot camp. During these times, she had to ask me permission for literally everything. She was not allowed to make her own decisions at all. I might do this for a day or two, and it would function as a kind of reset. These kids need to experience being under their parents' control and finding out that life does not cave in (as it did when they were with their birthparents). 7) I know this is extremely hard, but work on being non-reactive. Your child probably feels all jumbled up inside, so she is trying to make her world reflect how she feels. Show her that even if she is a mess, that you will not allow her to take you down with her. That is giving her what she wants and not what she needs. Again, I know this is very very hard, especially after all the years of being worn down. 8) Maybe get some respite care. I never did this, but it sounds like it might help you cope. You are under too much pressure! I hope this helps. I never had to deal with this in an older child, but these are things that worked for a younger kid.

If the hall passes are a big part of the problem, then the school needs to change the procedure.

Well, when the issue is bowel-related, that would be awfully hard for me or my coworkers to tolerate!

The funny thing to me in reading this is what happened to me this morning. I ate breakfast, went to the bathroom, drove my child to community college, a half hour trip. As I walked with my child toward her class, I asked her if she minded if we stopped at the first building we saw to see if we could find a bathroom. I absolutely needed it! And, yes, I will have to get a job somewhere other than a factory, but kids do not have a choice to avoid school like I can avoid a factory job. So, I guess I'd better call the doctor tomorrow and schedule a full bowel workup!

There are ways to keep kids from making out in the empty band room, etc. To start, empty classrooms could be kept locked. A hall monitor could walk the halls and sniff out any cigarette smoke emanating from the bathroom.