I don’t know the answers to the questions other than I don’t believe any of the young men are paying rent to their families. I either know they’re not paying rent or am unsure if they are. I don’t know of any that 100% are paying rent to their families. I have no idea about apprenticeship programs since we never researched them. I live 50 minutes from Baltimore city in one direction and 50 minutes from the PA capital in the other, so I’m sure there’s something within an hour’s drive from here. I do hope that they do come up with something to do in the future and 9 years from now when my oldest son’s friends are all 30, they aren’t still working at Giant. Out of the 12 of them, it’s a bit surprising to me that only 1 is going to college. After knowing these young men for 17-21 years (depending on their ages) I’d have expected 3 of them to go to college, 4 of them to learn a trade in some way or other, and 5 of them to do what they’re doing. For it to be 1 out of 12 is surprising, knowing their family histories and incomes and lifestyles.

Some of the 12 are working full time, but not all. I don’t know about how much the parents have said they will/won’t help. None are taking any classes at CC. From what my sons say, their friends have zero plans for college or a trade. My older son’s friends are 21, the younger one friends are high school seniors or graduated last year. My own sons are starting at CC and moving on to the 4-year. I agree that lots of people aren’t seeing college as a risk-free investment. But no one is learning to be a mechanic or a welder or an exterminator or a plumber, or anything. It’s just baffling to us all. It’s literally just Walmart and busboys at Hoss and working at Giant. My guys aren’t close friends with girls, but I’m thinking of the sisters of their friends and 3 went to/are going to college, 4 are the same as the boys with nothing jobs—and 2 went to beauty school. One of the girls who went to beauty school is getting herself through college, which is hard for her because she has learning disabilities. She’s married now and in her mid-twenties, but decided to go to college. (So, now I guess I could say that 4 went to/are going to college). ETA: changed the numbers of which girls are doing what, because I’d forgotten a couple of the girls.

Cynical me was thinking that it’s a toxic masculinity causing men to reject bettering themselves, “If the women (sneer) are out there getting degrees, well I don’t want to be like a woman (sneer), so I won’t get a degree.” The more women succeed at something, the more it because a “girly-woman” thing to do and toxic masculinity can’t allow for men to do “girly” things. So, I’m glad you wrote this Farrar, because I don’t like believing that there’s still so much misogyny that men would walk away from bettering themselves if they feared it would make them seem too girly. It could be that the young men aren’t awful people but do feel like they can’t do anything right, even healthy masculinity, so they’ve given up. Between my two sons they have 12 male friends they’ve known since babyhood. Out of those 12, only 1 is going to college. My kids are frustrated by their friends who seem content to be working jobs at Walmart and local grocery stores instead of learning skills or gaining an education. My sons feel pretty alone in their educational pursuits. And it’s not like my sons are super academic, but I did make it a “thing” in our household that they must either learn a trade or get a degree. Now, they’re adults and could refuse and say, “Nope. Sorry old lady, but I’m not going to college and I’m not going to learn a trade, and I’m going to work at Walmart instead,” but so far they’ve complied with my request. Out of these 12 boys, 6 of them have college-educated parents (at least an AA and either mom or dad has the degree, and sometimes both). Six of them don’t have college-educated parents. I’d have thought that with the 50/50 percentage of parents being college-educated that more than 1 son would be going to college. It’s a mystery to me. My oldest did struggle at first with going to college and not having any money, because even though they’re only working at Walmart, his friends are bringing in more money than my son who spends all his time studying and not working. But he’s realizing that he’s upping the odds for him to have a chance at more jobs in a field he is interested in and chose. And as I told him, “Walmart will always be there. If you don’t get a job in your degree, you haven’t lost anything. You can always get a job at Walmart.” Note: I got a job and my entire salary goes toward paying for their education, so they won’t have debt when they’re done.

My parents live 2500 miles away and last summer they visited for the first time in 10 years. It was after they left and made disparaging comments about my home that I realized that they were negatively judging my home the entire time they were here. My mother is a perfectionist about her home, and I’m just not. I certainly don’t live in filth (!), but I also am not a perfectionist. It’s just a comfortable, lived-in home. I got over worrying about my home about 15 years ago, when a homeschooling mom would invite people to her house for little classes or events and her house was a little cluttered and lived in. She was completely un-self-conscious about it and none of us cared what her house looked like (well, I didn’t anyway!). We were just happy to be there with her. However, you’re right, Heartstrings, that a lot of people won’t invite others over because they fear judgement. I’m so glad that I don’t care what people think about my house so when my mother clearly let it be known that she disapproved, it didn’t sting. It was weird and rude of her to even talk about it, yes, but it didn’t sting (well, maybe a little.) I’ve discovered that a large number of people live in houses with dust bunnies and clutter and paper piles but everyone pretends they don’t, or tries to hide it. ETA: Forgot my point! My point is that my mother feels lonely at times and wonders why she can’t keep friends. But if she’s gone to people’s houses and let people be aware that she was busy judging their homes instead of focusing on the people and enjoying their company, then it’s no wonder they’re not inviting her back again. So, yes, sometimes people are lonely because they’re embarrassed by their home, and sometimes they’re lonely because they’re too judgy of others. (My mother is judgy in other areas, though she doesn’t quite realize it.) After she said what she did I was thinking, “You’re making it hard for me to want to invite you back anytime soon.” Fortunately, she was so upset by the tiny seats and the tiny snacks on the plane ride that she said she’s never flying out east again. So, I won’t ever have to worry about her coming and seeing my home again.

I have a dear friend who is in a Medicaid nursing home. She came in and was in such bad condition that she was put on hospice. But with the round-the-clock care, and them feeding her somewhat decent food (nursing home food is pretty yucky tasting—just is—but she was living off of PB and J, coke, and potato chips), and getting her meds re-adjusted, she’s blossoming. She’s more spry than I’ve seen her in a decade and is forging many new friendships. The nursing home has been the best thing to happen to her in a long time. So, just because a person goes into a nursing home, it doesn’t mean they have to wither away to nothing. They can actually thrive. But, my friend is also friendly and easy to get along with and a lovely woman. I think your mother will be miserable no matter where she is and will be a PITA to the other residents and staff. It’s so easy to see from the outside that your mother has conditioned you to be beaten down and accept her terrible, abusive rule over you. I’m barely able to wrap my head around it. I remember your other post about just how much you care for her and clean up her actual poo while she dominates and terrorizes you. You owe her NOTHING. You’ve already paid a sickeningly high price and it makes my heart ache to know that she was a factor in you losing your husband and traumatizing your child. It’s just sick what she’s done to you. You are not selfish. It’s just that she’s told you that in either words or actions your entire life so you don’t know any better. You have been programmed to think you’re selfish, but you’re not being selfish in the slightest. And you must know she’s been beyond selfish. People like her take their faults and accuse others of having their faults. I’m hoping that all the voices in this thread help you to see that you are being reasonable and normal and healthy by walking away from the years of trauma she’s piled on you. Awful people have children and it just so happens that you are the child of a truly awful person. I’m so, so sorry that that happened to you. You do not have to stay in the situation. You are free to walk away at any time and you would not be wrong or selfish to do so. It would be right and healthy for you to do so.

1. Parking lot. Any empty lot will do for the first time. If you can manage to get up to something like 15 mph in the parking lot, they’ll feel like it’s 80 mph. 2. We found a parking lot that’s a combo of a movie theater/hotel. It has roads that weave through various lots and is mostly empty. So, if you can find a parking lot with “roads” through it, that’s the next step. 3. Find an empty road in a neighborhood and practice going around a block with all left turns for 10 times in a row. Left turns because that’s the side the driver is on and can see best when they’re making their turn. Then, go around the block 10 times making all right turns. 4. Next is driving in a quiet residential neighborhood and learning how to stop at all the stop signs and not hit the parked cars. 5. Graduate up to a traffic light. Who goes when? What do all those signs and arrows mean? 6. and 7. Then, start driving around “town” and hopefully your town isn’t NYC, but is manageable. Also start driving down the back roads, if you live in the country. Sometimes the windy 50 mph backroads with no shoulder are more scary that being in town with lower speeds and shoulders. 8. Get on your local beltway/freeway where you have to merge at 55 or 65 mph. Stay on it for at least one exit. Do not do this during rush hour!! 9. After that, it’s just practice everything. If you have a traffic circle nearby, drive on it. If you have a wonky intersection, go through it. If you have beltway/freeways, drive on them. Oh, and I forgot—somewhere in there, parking. 1. Park pulling in between yellow lines far away from other cars. Circle round and round and practice pullig in to park. 2. Practice backing out of the spot, away from other cars. 3. Then, practice pulling and backing out of spots, between two cars. 4. Then practice backing in between the yellow lines (no cars yet). 5. After a long time, practice backing in between cars. 6. Then the dreaded parallel parking. Go online to find out how to parallel park. I learned based on feel and that’s how I parallel park—by feel. I lived in a town house for 10 years and parallel parked constantly, so it’s second nature now. But there are actual steps to take so you don’t have to try to learn by feel. Another tip: “how fast do I take this turn?” usually 5-10 mph. “When do I start slowing down before the light/stop sign?” Impossible to give a solid answer. It depends on whether the road is uphill or downhill and how fast you were going when you realized you needed to stop. You’ll have to tell the student, “For now, I’ll tell you when, based on feel, and eventually, you’ll also be able to tell by feel, but every single stop is different based on the grade of the road and the speed limit.” I like what @historically accuratesaid about establishing that they stop NO MATTER WHAT when you tell them to. My oldest had pretty severe anxiety about driving. We didn’t get out of the parking lot for 5 solid months because he would get panicky. And he did not listen to me when I would give him instructions. We had multiple times where I almost thought we were goners or would be involved in a terrible crash because he wouldn’t listen. He’s 20 now and I never, ever ride when he’s the driver. I don’t want to downplay PTSD, but when I get in the car with him, I can feel a horrible cocktail of adrenaline or whatever pouring through my veins and it’s a horrible feeling. When I’m in the car as a passenger, I think I also trigger a negative reaction in him as well. It’s best if I’m not a passenger in his car. My youngest had a normal, healthy respect for driving and teaching him was a breeze. He would even say, “C’mon Mom, you have to tell me when I’m doing something wrong,” and I would say, “Son, I will! But you’re not doing anything wrong.” He took to driving like a duck takes to water. When I said stop, he stopped. I’m not afraid to ride in a car with him as the driver.

This isn’t necessary bad, though it might sound like it: I never thought I’d be looking forward to my son going away to college in the fall, but I am. When he was 3, I was friends with a woman who had a 17-year old, a 19-year-old, and a 4-year-old. She talked about how she was looking forward to the 19 yo moving out and I told her, “I can’t imagine that! I want my little guy with me forever!” She said, “Well, I love him to pieces, but there comes a time when you’re both ready.” I didn’t believe her. I’ve been dreading him moving out for his whole life. Until I’m suddenly not. He’s 20 and did his first 2 years of college as a commuter. He’s transferring to a college about an hour away. Two years ago, he hated the idea of moving out and so did I. But just like Gloria said all those years ago, there comes a time when you’re both ready. And we’re both ready. We’re not mad at each other or feeling like, “I can’t wait to get away from you!’ but….we’re ready. He’s ready and that makes it easier for me to be happy with seeing him being independent and moving ahead with his life. I’m a little bit tired of parenting and I think the time where he can stand on his own will be good for us. While he’s here, I fall into the parenting role too much and I need to be done parenting him, for both our sakes. Even a year ago, I wouldn’t have been saying this. It’s a big change!

I had a conversation with a homeschooling mom that I didn’t know very well who thought that Haiti and Hades were the same place. I felt like a deer in headlights thinking, “Wait…do I tell her…what do I do? That’s so weird. How could she think they’re the same place?” and the moment passed. It’s been 15 years and obviously, I’m still thinking about it!

I read Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle to the kids a few years ago and I think it held up very well. In fact, I sort of liked it better as a parent because I could feel for the parents dealing with their children’s odd foibles.

I loved A Wrinkle in Time when I was a kid but hated it when I read it aloud as an adult to my kids. Meg is soooo whiny.

If someone is too close on the many one-lane roads around here, I gently pull onto the shoulder and let them by. If they rear end me, I don’t want the neck pain. So, I just let them pass without being dramatic about it. I haven’t noticed an increase in tailgaters around here, but the closer I get to the nearest city the worse it gets, but it’s always been that way. Then again, I’m not sure if it’s more often than usual, or if the tailgaters all went out and bought big, black trucks. If I am tailgated, it’s always by a big, black truck. They tailgate until we get to the next passing zone and then zoom around me, if I haven’t already pulled to the side to let them pass.

He’s on that for the anxiety, but it doesn’t seem to touch the ADHD.

My son gets badly depressed on stimulants. He went years being depressed and we had him in counseling for anxiety and depression. He went off his stimulants during a 1.5 month winter break and lo and behold his depression went away. (And yes, I feel horrible guilt for the years that my son was depressed from a drug and we didn’t realize it was the drug doing it. But at the same time, you don’t know what you don’t know—ya know?) So, he’s seeing a psychiatrist right now to try to sort out his anxiety and ADHD and which meds will work to treat both. Straterra doesn’t seem to be much help for my son’s ADHD. Barely takes the edge off. But it works for others. My son will be meeting with the psych in a couple of weeks to give him feedback that the Straterra isn’t working well and see what else the psych might have to say. So, my advice is to get a psychiatrist involved (we were going through the regular practitioner at first) and expect it to take a number of months to sort out. As far as having to wean off Straterra and her not feeling like herself for a while, how old is she? Is she able to mentally acknowledge that it’s the meds making her feel that way and if she holds on, it’ll pass? My son tried a different stimulant after we realized the first one was making him depressed, and even though the second stimulant also made him depressed, he wasn’t as depressed as the first, simply because he understood that the feelings weren’t real and would fade as he stopped the drug. He could acknowledge that he was feeling the sad feelings, but he could understand that they would be temporary and had nothing to do with his real life, but was just a side effect. But he is 20 and has the maturity to see it that way.

Hmmm. This resonates with me. My oldest is 20 and has struggled mightily with writing. So many times, he would sit there and nothing would come to mind. Nothing. I mean…NoThing. I would try brainstorming with him and he just couldn’t come up with any ideas on his own. Any. At all. Sometimes, thinking that having me there with him was too much pressure, I would brainstorm with him, then leave him alone to jot down a few things and I’d come back 20 minutes later to see if he had anything and his paper would still be blank. Sometimes, I would flat out tell him (orally) exactly what to write as an outline and say, “Now, just write down what I said. I’ll be right back,” and he would nod and say ok, but when I came back he would have written down 1 idea out of the 10 I gave him. It was like the rest didn’t compute. (And he’s normally a person who learns best by hearing and not seeing.) It was like nothing was there. Simply nothing. When he was in high school and being homeschooled, I could be more involved in helping him eke out papers, but once he hit college, I couldn’t get as involved. I could only give him the sort of feedback that someone at the writing center would give. I could help him brainstorm in a general way and I could say, “This part is skimpy and needs to be beefed up,” and try to draw it out of him how to beef it up. But I had to step back and let him stand more on his own. The first few papers were so brutal for him. But he’s 20.5 now and in his last semester of being a sophomore and even though writing is still the bane of his college existence, he’s starting to come up with some ideas on his own without needing me there to brainstorm with. The last paper he wrote (and he doesn’t write many as a math major, but there are a few required gen ed classes that require writing), he barely needed my feedback at all. It was beautifully written except for 2 or 3 minor wobbles. He has ADHD and the ADHD brain can take years longer to mature. For my guy, the part that has seemed to take the longest to mature is being able to put thoughts into words, or as you said—even having the thoughts in the first place to put into words. (Well, that and executive functioning. He’s still grappling with EF.) My guy is smart, getting all As in all his advanced math classes, but there’s always been this odd block when it came to writing and expressing things verbally. He also gets frustrated with himself because it’s hard for him to verbally get things across. He’ll just sort of drop statements out there without context and then struggles to explain exactly what he’s talking about. It feels a lot like when he would cite something in a paper and not link it to his thesis. But I have seen quite a jump (quite a jump) in his verbal and written abilities in the past year which makes me wonder if it’s developmental and this was a part of his brain that took the longest to develop. So, this post resonates with me! I read him all sorts of good, solid stuff until I was hoarse all through homeschooling, so I know I was filling his head with lots of ideas, but it can just take time and development for some people to be able to pull it out of the storage lockers in their brains and put it all together. And I am pleased to say that when he finally gets the ideas written out, his grammar and vocabulary are superb. Thank you CLE grammar! So, OP, no one wants to hear that it’ll take their 9th grader another 5 years to be able to write well, but….it might. Meanwhile, I’m glad you have a plan in place! Fingers crossed that it’s the ticket for your twins.

Something that helped my youngest with answering literary questions (where you have to read a passage and answer a prompt and use something from the passage to support your answer) was the RACES strategy. You can google it. I think RACES could also be used for other types of writing. R-retate the question A-answer the question (this is your “thesis” C-cite something that supports your answer E-explain how what you cited aupports your answer S-summarize My son said that you often have to do the CE part of RACES a few times. RA CE CE CE S. It is a bit like Clarita’s idea about of outlining what you’ll say, but also gives structure to citing/explaining. Non-writers can often cite, but they don’t remember to explain, and the explaining is the part that is usually most important. When you can get it down pat that you have to cite and then explain, that translates well into other forms of writing that aren’t just literary prompts. It’s all about laying out the supports and then explaining how the supports tie back to the point you’re trying to make. ——- If possible, have them write lots of little one-paragraph RACES essays all year long. Get them used to citing and explaining in just one paragraph—a few times a week for 20 weeks in a row—before writing an entire 1, 2, or 3-page paper.

@ktgrok Thank you for explaining all that about vets and the dance they have to do around end of life conversations. I was so unhappy that I had to ask for them to put down my cat instead of it being one of an offering of choices, but I can see how the vet might have feared I’d freak out if they said anything. I love it that your old vet office had a room for end of life that was different from the examination room. I had to have a kitty put down. It was years later that I happened to be in that same examination room with a different kitty and I walked in and burst into tears. Years later!

Your story is mine regarding an old cat that the vet kept trying to treat and I didn’t realize we should let go. I thought the vet would offer it as an option, but realized that they don’t. You have to be the one to ask to have the cat put down, or for the care to be hospice. I thought it was horribly insensitive that they didn’t offer, “We can treat the condition, offer hospice care, or offer to put the cat down.” Instead, I had to be the one to bring it up and I could barely get the words past my throat. It would have been much more merciful to me as a pet owner to be able to say, “The last option,” or “The second option,” instead of having to say, “I think it’s time to put him down.” Urgh. As you have vowed, I will never go the route of treating something that ought not be treated for an older cat and putting them through miserable medical procedures. I like what someone said above about using the word Hospice. D-Mannose works on people and cats to treat UTIs. You can dissolve it in a dropperful of water and squirt it in the cat’s mouth. You can do this as a preventive measure—a little bit every day, to avoid UTIs. It’s sold as a supplement in powdered form online and I think in stores like WalMart. https://www.amazon.com/NOW-Foods-733739028099-D-Mannose-6-Ounce/dp/B00JWKDF6A/ref=sxts_rp_s_a_1_0?content-id=amzn1.sym.eff26b9b-e255-411b-a40d-eccb21f93fe4%3Aamzn1.sym.eff26b9b-e255-411b-a40d-eccb21f93fe4&crid=1AUBTDDRO6IWE&cv_ct_cx=dmannose&keywords=dmannose&pd_rd_i=B00JWKDF6A&pd_rd_r=00ace62e-76ed-4d5e-8a2c-0020581b770e&pd_rd_w=IDCW0&pd_rd_wg=CG1p6&pf_rd_p=eff26b9b-e255-411b-a40d-eccb21f93fe4&pf_rd_r=16JB5B28P4C3TW8CVRRY&qid=1681401902&sbo=RZvfv%2F%2FHxDF%2BO5021pAnSA%3D%3D&sprefix=dmannose%2Caps%2C145&sr=1-1-5985efba-8948-4f09-9122-d605505c9d1e&th=1 Go to the comments, scroll up a bit to the “questions” and above the “questions” type in “cat” to find posts about people using it for their cats. It’s cheap, easy, and there are no nasty anti-biotic side effects. They might have soft poo for a few days as their body adjusts if you decide to give him the DMannnose daily.

Wigs! Their hair was short before. 🙂

You’re right! I always get it backwards. Thank you!

Yup!

Have any of you heard of the tv show called “High School”? Here’s the rotten tomatoes page that gives it pretty high reviews. You can see it for free on FreeVee or if you have Amazon Prime. Anyway, here’s the scoop: my cousin’s kids are identical twin girls. They’ve always been outgoing and lighthearted, if a little bit aimless. They didn’t go to college and only bothered with odd jobs at places like pizza parlors. Sometimes they’d post themselves on TikTok lip synching a few lines to a song or showing their outfits for the day. They’re not girly-girls, so their outfits were just regular-looking clothes. Nothing fancy. But their light-hearted energy comes through in their videos. Anyway, while my 2nd cousins were busy working their fast food jobs and posting TikTok videos, Tegan and Sara, identical twin sisters who are Canadian singer-songwriters, had been busy writing a autobiography about their high school years. They decided to make it into a TV show, but they needed lead, identical twin actresses. It would be helpful if the twin actresses were in their early twenties. And looked like Tegan and Sara. Oh, and were gay, too. Kinda specific and a bit of a tall order! They looked and looked, but weren’t finding what they needed. People heard that they were looking for twins to play the lead roles of Sara and Tegan on the tv show and people starting telling Tegan and Sara about these twins on TikTok that sort of even looked like Sara and Tegan and had their same energy. So, Tegan wrote to Railey (my 2nd cousin) explaining that she was looking for lead actresses for a tv show. Of course Railey and Seazynn (the other twin) were like, “Nah. Scam. Not falling for it!” But Tegan/Sara finally convinced them that they were for real. Railey was ready to take it on, but Seazynn wasn’t so sure. But over time, everyone convinced Seazynn to try out, and she did and they got hired to play the lead roles in the TV show. And they fit every criteria for the show. My second cousins had zero acting experience and couldn’t play any instruments. So, they went to Canada for months of crash-courses in acting and guitar playing and singing. They worked super hard and in 2022, the first season came out and it got great reviews! I think you can kind of tell they’re new to acting in the first couple of episodes, but that also makes them come across as more genuine and how teenagers really talk/walk, etc. I had no idea if I’d like the show, and I ended up loving it. They use a storytelling technique where they’ll show the same scene but from different character’s points of view. It’s clever. Anyway, the family is super proud of Railey and Seazynn and I wanted to brag, especially since it’s such a fun story about how they were discovered out of the blue. Here’s an article about them if you’d like to read it.

How emotionally exhausting! You know how after doing a hated chore that you set a little reward for yourself? Like, you might say, “After I clean out this garage, I’m going to go out to dinner!” I think your family needs to come up with a reward to look forward to after hanging out with your mom.

I’m the same! Almost exactly 50/50 with the middle letters. None of the descriptions of the personalities quite fit me. I am strong with the I and the J, but those middle traits are fuzzy.

Even though I’m still showing as an INTJ, the description doesn’t quite match me. I started reading other descriptions and they don’t match either. I’ll have to look at my numbers again. I must be close to the middle for some of the categories.

Took the test again, hoping for something different. Nope. Still an INTJ.