We used CLE (Christian Light Education) through 8th grade and my sons have excellent grammar now (12th grade and college). Also, I went back to work after 20 years and got a job as a technical writer. Using CLE to teach the kids grammar in those 20 years away from work ended up being exactly what I needed for my technical writer job. CLE is solid as a rock and I use what I learned from it at my job all the time. Actually, now that I think of it, we took our time with the 7th grade book and my son did half of it in 7th grade and finished it up in 8th grade. That’s because the 8th grade book was more grammar than anyone on this planet needs. 🙂 All that to say, that if you want to provide an excellent education in grammar, CLE will do it. They have placement tests you can download online for free.

How old is she? (ETA—just re-read the OP. She’s 21.) You: I have some news that may upset you. DH and I are living apart so we have the space to work on our marriage. Then, silence. Let her react. Beyond that, I’d probably give out very little information. If she asks questions, I’d deflect any that aren’t concrete questions. Like if she wants to know where each of you are living, that’s a concrete thing to answer. If she asks questions that are too personal or unknown like, “But what’s are the issues you are having?” or “What’s going to happen next?” just answer that it’s between you and dh or you don’t know yet, but that you and he are communicating and seeing a counselor (if you are), and working on it together. It’s understandable that you want to tell her so that she’s not blindsided by the news later. But she doesn’t need to know the nitty gritty or grill you for answers you don’t have. So, just tell her, let her react, deflect the personal questions, and move on. If you don’t see her as an adult to confide in, don’t. Tell her so that she doesn’t hear it through the grapevine (the kids), and move on. You don’t have to answer anything you don’t want to answer. And you can even say, “I don’t want to talk about that,” to anything she asks that you don’t want to talk about.

D-Mannose prevents UTIs that are caused by e-coli (most of them are). Lots of people (including me) in the Hive swear by it. I have a friend who used to get about 6 a year, and since she started taking D-Mannose (about 3 years ago), she hasn’t had a single one. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00JWKDF6A/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

I would use it, but only if it didn’t have gold that would spark in the microwave. Otherwise, I’d use it and pop it in the microwave and dishwasher. Unless it had lead in it. I’d test it for lead, or get rid of it the second there’s a crack in a piece.

To get kitties in the crates, you can try taking the top completely off. Put the kitty in the crate, holding them down tightly with one hand, while you put the top of the crate down over the kitty. Your arm is placed to be through the door of the crate. Then, snatch your arm back fast before kitty can scratch, and close the door. You can try tossing a blanket over kitty before starting, to somewhat pin down the paws, but that doesn’t always work. I have a kitty that I inherited from dear friends who had so many medical issues they could no longer live in their house alone and had to move somewhere with no pets. She still barely lets us touch her and it’s been 8 months. She’s slooooolwy getting better. It’s mostly that one of my other cats and her don’t get along and that’s hampering her ability to relax around us. Anyway, I know what it’s like to care for a kitty who rarely lets you pet them. You just do the best you can and hope they come around eventually. And even if not, you’re providing the best you can for kitty.

Try pill pockets for the meds if they’re pills. Some cats love them, and some hate them. We can only hope your kitty loves them. Pill pockets are very soft treats that you smoosh around the pill. The kitty eats the smooshy treat and swallows the pill without realizing it. But it only works for pills and not liquids.

Thank you to everyone who has replied. This weekend was crazy and I’ve been able to read the thread only in short bursts, so I couldn’t properly reply as it all unfolded. I saw Titanic in the theater on Sunday (maybe not a good idea when in such a melancholic mood). One of the messages of the movie is to make life count (in the movie, they raise a toast to “making it count.”) The Rose character feels like her life is meaningless, and the Jack character is all about living life to the fullest. By the end of the movie Jack has taught Rose how to live a full life that counts. So, while I cried through half of the movie, I also felt inspired to pick up where I am and make the rest of my life count. I’ve read the thread 3 times now and I’m starting to form a vague plan of how to handle this stage. I need some time alone to contemplate and begin to tackle this. Even if the feelings are just hormonal and will go away, the idea of living a deliberate life is worth pursuing.

I’m going to try all the books mentioned in this thread, so thank you for the recommendation. This actually gives me a bit of peace—the fact that it’s been nine months for you, and that you’re coming through it. While I don’t want to be stuck in a bad place, I’m seeing from your response and from Regentrude’s that maybe this is the year to take the time to sort out what I want to be in the future. Maybe this isn’t to be rushed. I will read the book and I do like the idea of forcing thoughts into a healthy place when the ruminating becomes unproductive. I really love this..A lot. “To change to be the sort of person who would never do them again.” I’ve been thinking all day, “maybe it’s time to simply…change.” When I turned 30, I had just had my first son and I naturally changed (my priorities shifted significantly.) Right around 40, I naturally began to change again, into a softer, kinder person.Not sure why, but it just happened. And at 50, I’m thinking, “Maybe it’s time to deliberately change. Maybe it’s time to look at the ways I am that I don’t like, and simply not be that way anymore.” Such a good point. Thank you. I remember reading this when you went through it. Thank you for the encouragement as someone who has walked through this. And you’re right. My kids are still at home, but the oldest goes away to a 4-year college in the fall (he was at the local CC), and the youngest is turning 18, and I really don’t want to be just “mom” anymore. I’m ready to be “Garga.” But who is Garga when she’s not “mom”? I’m tired of being mom, but am not sure exactly who I am. Yes, that’s it! I feel like I’m getting close to the “best by” date! Thank you for the book suggestion and yes, the idea of writing out some of this is appealing to me. The act of writing helps me to capture exactly what my feelings are. Until I can pinpoint exactly what the problem is, I can’t know the best course of action. Let things go? Make a deliberate change? What change, etc? As usual, I love the hive. Thank you to everyone who responded, even those I didn’t quote. For those saying that this could very well be a menopausal thing, I’m also going to think on that for a bit. I just had my routine checkups at the gyn and regular doc in the fall, but if things get bad, then I might schedule another appointment sooner than next fall to see if there’s something that can help.

I like the idea of finding some podcasts about making health changes. I’m not overweight, but I’m not fit. In fact over the past year, I injured my neck and knee (minor) and I haven’t been able to do much physical activity in months, which has also been making me feel low. I think the knee is good enough now that I can start walking slowly on the treadmill a bit each day. I am getting enough sleep, but not proper exercise. Lately with this slump, I find myself sitting around binge watching tv a lot. Everyone might be right about this being anxiety/depression. When I step back and look from the outside in, that’s probably right. Just today I was thinking how relaxing it would be to just lie in bed all day staring at the ceiling. I did just that for about half an hour, but finally got myself up. I didn’t think of it as being depressed in the moment, but I guess lying in bed watching the ceiling might be a sign that it is. I’m running out of anything left to give to anyone else, but at the same time, I’m looking back and feeling like I messed up a lot in the past. Sometimes it was trying to help too much and being smothering and sometimes it was not being there enough for someone else. It’s a weird place and I don’t want to be in this weird place for too long. So, I do like the idea of some podcasts to help me start thinking ahead and preparing myself for good health in 20 years instead of looking back at past mistakes.

My mom had a hysterectomy because of uterine fibroids in her late 40s and I don’t think she’d hit menopause by then. Part of me wants to stop taking the BC pills, but I mostly take them because they make me so regular. My periods last 3.5 days and are extremely light. I don’t want to give that up. “messed with my resilience” Hmmm. I might need to think about that: resilience. I do feel fragile right now in a way I haven’t before.

I turned 50 in December. It was just a number at first, but now it’s not. Over the past month and a half, I’ve been feeling off. I think constantly about how very little time I have left here on this earth. Even if I live to 80, that’s only 30 years. At age 50, I realize how very fast that time will pass. I’ve been married for 30 years (got married at 19), and I look back at all the years that I was dissatisfied with things about my husband and I see how selfish I often was. Sure, he made mistakes as a husband, but I also made many as a wife and I feel a sense of regret at the wasted time and my lack of grace toward him. I was 19 when I got married and rather immature, so it took me a good 15 years to stop acting a bit like a baby about things. I regret all that. I got better, but I could be kinder and gentler. The kids are 20 and almost 18 (next month). I’ve somewhat smothered the oldest for the past 2 years and…I regret that, too. Though, he has needed a lot (a lot) of scaffolding as he has navigated college. He has ADHD, depression, and anxiety and the simplest of tasks for other people is like slogging through mud pits for him. Everything he does takes so much effort. I’ve tried to support without smothering, but it is so hard to find the balance. I want so much to see him fly, but he’s so wobbly and I feel like I’m constantly mis-stepping and messing up with him. Just this morning: he’s taking an antibiotic for acne and he said that he was having trouble getting through to the pharmacy to refill it and wasn’t sure what to do. I said, “How many pills do you have left?” and he said, “Oh, I’ve been out for a few days,” and I said (because I was shocked), “It’s an antibiotic! You have to take that consistently! You shouldn’t stop taking it and start up again.” Of course (duh) his face shut down and he said, “Yup. I’ll get it filled today.” I softened my tone and answered what he had actually asked, “Yeah, if you can’t get through on the phone, just drive over to the pharmacy and give them the empty bottle and they’ll refill it..” And he just repeated, “Yup. I’ll get it filled today.” And so, there I am thinking, “Welp that went badly. You just messed up AGAIN.” But at the same time, he’s wobbling so much as he tries to fly. Lately, I look around and feel like all I can see are the mistakes I’ve made and keep making. Sometimes I’m fine, but other times I walk around on the verge of tears for hours at a time. Is it depression? Pre-menopause? (I take BC pills, so they keep me very regular and it’s hard to tell if I’m having any menopausal symptoms.) Mid-life crisis? I don’t know. But I’m feeling a general sense of being unsettled and I wanted to write it all out and see if others have felt this way. I look ahead and think that perhaps I’ll live 30 more years, but how many of them will be filled with medical conditions? Ages 70-80 might be filled with dealing with my body breaking down or my dh’s body. There could be precious little time left. I have a job that I adore and am well-suited for. It takes up 40-50 hours of my week. I love working at this job and don’t want to give it up. This just means that I’m not ready to throw off working and devote my remaining years to a “meaningful” cause. I get a great deal of personal satisfaction at my job. How do I deal with this unsettling ruminating on the regrets of the past and worries that I’ll keep making mistakes that I regret going forward? How do I make sure I don’t turn 70 and think, “Why didn’t I make changes at 50? I’m 70 and still have the same regrets?” Is there any action I can take to take the bull by the horns and make the most of what’s left? Who’s been there (or is there) and what was it like for you?

Hatchet. The Great Brain series? The great brain doesn’t really start businesses in a way, but he’s pretty smart and does a lot of interesting things.

I have a few betabrand pants that I got during a couple of sales (https://www.betabrand.com/collections/core-collection), and then I pair them with pretty button-down tops from the thrift store. I find a lot of gently used button-downs at the thrift store. Almost every time I go in, I manage to find at least one nice shirt. Then I figure out what sorts of shoes go with the pants (boots, ballet, etc) and top with a plain sweater in a solid colors (black, grey, blue) and I’m good to go.

Music means pretty much nothing to me. Other people talk about how a song changed their life or touched them deeply, etc, but I’ve never had that experience. I prefer silence and listen to music only in the car and only a few catchy songs that I’ve put on my phone. I don’t honestly like much music at all. I find it boring. I would be lost if someone posted songs in response to what I was saying. But then again, I figure that I’m just stunted when it comes to music and that everyone else feels the music deeper than I do. I would have no idea what they meant if they sent me songs, unless the title was super obvious like the Over My Head title upthread. If it was a serious text conversation, I might try to pick up the conversation where it was before the song was dropped, but if it was a casual text conversation, I’d probably pretend I got it and then end or move on with the conversation in another direction.

I didn’t learn with them, but my aunt gave me a cassette tape of all the letter people songs. I played it for my 2 year old while I was pregnant and nauseated. Whenever I think of those songs now, I get phantom nausea. They were clever and catchy little songs, though.

I spent my 21st birthday doing my regularly-scheduled volunteer gig in the homeless shelter. Working in a homeless shelter with people who are addicted to drugs and alcohol doesn’t make you want to head out afterwards and get drinks. My parents might have sent me a card and some money, but that was it. I was married at the time and maybe went out to dinner with my husband and friends that weekend to celebrate. I have no idea, it was long ago and not a big deal and I have no idea how I celebrated my 21st, other than the irony of being in the homeless shelter with alcoholics on that day. I don’t really see it being that big of a Sign Of Something that Jinger’s parents took her to a local chain restaurant for her birthday. For people who don’t care for alcohol (like me—I think it’s the nastiest tasting stuff ever, even the expensive stuff), it sounded pretty normal to me. Was everyone else really having wild celebrations at bars or eating in fancy restaurants on their 21st? Or were just some people doing that and other people were just hanging out with a few friends at a local restaurant?

Nope. I finally got a new look last week after having the same hair for about a decade. If you’d asked last week, then maybe. But now that I’m sporting my new do, nope.

I figure her idea of not being tidy isn’t anything near most people’s ideas of not being tidy! And when the kids are a bit older, she’ll be able to jump back in and get things in order again if she likes. It just makes her more relatable.

I think this is the time for the final block. Block everything from her and be done. Don’t answer any knocks at the door.

I have no idea if this is a good idea or not, but… What if you pulled the kids aside and talked to them about how their dad wasn’t always a dad? He used to be a kid and a teenager who grew up in poverty and that has left some scars. Assure them that you and he have a solid plan to pay for college, but their dad is working through dealing with the leftover hangups from when he was a kid. Tell them not to take any of his comments personally, but to realize that he’s having to unpack a lot of old scars right now and sometimes that’s messy. Tell them that you and he are talking while he works through it, but sometimes his anxieties about money might slip out in those odd comments. They don’t need to take them personally. Dad will get through it and you’ll be right there to help him. Meanwhile, they are to forge ahead with their own paths and futures. I don’t know if that would work in your family, but maybe if they see him as a person with his own sets of anxieties and scars instead of just Dad, they would understand what’s going on here and feel compassion toward him and then not take on his anxieties for themselves.

Have you told him yet what you told us in the OP? Or are you waiting to gather some ideas from The Hive before you tackle the conversation?

Kids are too chaotic emotionally. I would prefer to work with adults.

I’m so glad it went well! I started reading this a day ago and didn’t get to finish until tonight. I was going to suggest exactly what you did, Ann: wet wipes and reapply a cream after each “go”. I had no discomfort in that region. My prep also wasn’t a big deal. I drank the gatorade. I was told to drink a certain amount every 15 minutes (was a cup or two every 15 minutes?), spread out over an hour. Then a few hours later, do the same thing again. To me, that just wasn’t a big deal. Drink a cup (or two?), read a book for 15 minutes, drink another cup (or two?), read the book some more, until it was all gone. I can still drink Gatorade just fine It didn’t turn me off of the drink.

Some people retire and then like to show off about it and rub everyone else’s noses in it. “We’re coming this weekend and staying longer than you thought! What? That won’t work for you because you have a job and school? Oh gee, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be working for the man like that now that I’m retired!” smug smug smug. They might not say those words, but they live those words.

I dunno…16 years?