Family pressures against homeschooling...how do you deal?

[PineFarmMom]

I have been homeschooling for 9 years. I always had this idea, early on, that by this point I would be so sure of myself and people's words and opinions wouldn't bother me so much. Not so.

 

A few weeks ago, I told about my mother pressuring me to come to my sister's house, even though we were busy that weekend. Well, every conversation I have had with her since then has been tense for some reason, and there is always an underlying comparison by her of my dd's social life compared to my sister's dds' social life. We talked this a.m., and after some discussions about schedules, I told her we were a little busier this summer than I had thought, so it would be July before we had freedom, but that I wanted my kids to at least have a couple of weeks free so they could work towards occupying their own time with projects, working on their instruments, etc., because I do not think it's good for them to be entertained constantly! She goes on to tell me how, by the age that my dd is, she always tried to keep us busy socially like my sister does for her girls because of how they like it at that age. She reminded me of how busy I was socially at that age, how it is a time for kids to pull away from their families and become their own person, and even though it is sad, that it's just the way it is. She said how she always felt it was her job to make sure we were busy and happy in the summer. She proceeds to tell me how wonderful her high school years were for her, what a fun time that is in a kid's life, doing all those activities through school, etc. etc. She never comes right out and says something...she always is politically correct and tells me in a manipulative manner so there is no "unkindness". The honest truth is that they all approved of me homeschooling dc as long as I quit doing it at an age that was "acceptable" to them. I passed that when we moved into middle school. Now they pity my dd because of us forcing this on her, and here she is going into high school next year. My dad has boldly come out and asked when I was going to stop doing this...he said it right in front of my dc. :glare:

 

It affects me. I don't know how to keep this from affecting me. I want to be stronger, more sure of what we're doing. I really felt that we were going to do this all the way through, but I feel this guilt right now towards dd, that maybe I should put her in the local private school (public school is NOT AN OPTION here!!)

 

Obviously, since I posted yesterday about social opportunities for her, this is bothering me right now...I'm remembering myself at that age and how much I liked to go and do and see friends. The kicker is, though, that shortly after this age I was drinking like a fish, partying every chance I got, and my mom either knew and ignored it or was just blind to it. :001_huh:

 

Then the nail in the coffin is to have that conversation with mom this a.m. I don't know how to continue homeschooling AND deal with family at the same time!! I don't even want to be around them all anymore, but I'm the one who is closest in proximity to my aging parents. I'd like to move far away. I love them all, and I so much want a good relationship with them. I just can't stand the pity they feel for my "poor" children and the fact that they are all unapproving of us. I want so much for my own dc to have close relationships as adults, so I want to model that by being close with my own family. It is harder than ever I thought it would be!

 

Dd's character, her personality, her responsibility...those are all fruits for the lifestyle we've chosen, I believe. Advice? How do you deal with this? I think I need to get myself a spine!!

[TraceyS/FL]

Well, we have the same thing going on... and I love who my kids are - especially the oldest.

 

however, now that i'm in the process of getting a divorce, my in-laws feelings on the subject (similar to your parents) have become my STBXH's feelings.

 

It makes me sad for my oldest DD, the fact she is going to be pulled in a variety of directions this summer in this battle. Just this morning i was thinking about how much i LIKE being around my 13yo DD and how much she LIKES being around us and her younger sisters.

 

I don't have any advice for you really, just sympathy and hugs to keep fighting for what you know is right for your family. I know i'm in the fight of my life for what is best for ALL the kids, but i feel that at 13 & 7th grade the oldest is the most at risk. Well, the middle special needs one too....

 

:grouphug:

 

:grouphug:

[GWOB]

I ignore them. Of course, I've had many years experience ignoring brutal and belittling comments from my family, so ignoring ill-informed homeschooling comments is a piece of cake. Your mom and my mom should get together. They operate in a similar manner. When she starts in on you, just say "Oh, that's nice." Don't call as often. You are under no obligation to get emotionally manipulated or abused by anyone, even you mother. You are under no obligation to explain the choices you've made for your own family. If someone doesn't like it, they'll just have to deal. Period. Leave no room for discussion. It's hard at first, but after a while you'll get used to it.

[shalom22]

 

I know that you might not want to do this, being she may not know about your activities during that age (I know I would have a hard time telling my mom some of the things that I did in high school;)), but maybe your mom needs her rose colored glasses adjusted to what really goes on in high school. I remember high school, it wasn't all good and fun, it was mostly s*x, dr*gs and rock & roll, kwim? I didn't actually participate in those activities, but it was all around me and it can draw kids in very easily. And these days are a lot different then when we were in high school. I don't exactly want my kids to have to go through the stuff that I did. To me it is not worth their potential.

[elegantlion]

Isn't it amazing how approval stops when THEY start to feel uncomfortable with our choices. We've been homeschooling for 5 years and at this point plan to go through high school. We get those tricky little PC questions from some family members.

 

In my heart I know we are making the best choice for our family, the best choice for our ds and that is what gives me the strength to stand against them. I like simple and vague answers, "We are making what we feel is the best choice for our family" zip it and smile.

 

DS has gotten any grief from friends or family yet, but I remind him from time-to-time how life would be different if he weren't homeschooled. No sleeping in, no coming to school in shorts only, homework, sitting still, no playing with the dog on lunch break, etc, etc.

 

Sometimes I'm glad we are far away from family, but you know who'd have the time to go and take care of them if need be. Me, because we homeschool.

 

HUGS, family can be so hard sometime.

[ccmom]

My only answer to you is that there will never be acceptance from them, and you just have to stand strong doing what you know is best.

 

My dad and step-mom have zero confidence in my ability to homeschool. They always make comments to me that my kids should be "in school". They have never showed interest in what my kids are studying or how well they are doing. I see them once a year, because I can't stand their disapproval, and when I do go to visit, I get very upset.

 

I completely understand your situation, how much it tears you up, because I experience it too. It is very difficult to try to ignore opinions that matter to you (i.e., those of our parents). To have them be so unsupportive and manipulative is so difficult.

 

The bottom line is that you are the parent and you are the one to decide what is best. I try my best to remind myself of this and to seek support from those who share my conviction that I am doing the right thing.

 

I am in the same boat as you. I can't convince them that I am doing a good job, especially since they show no interest in the truth. I have struggled to find social opportunities in my small town, but thankfully this has turned around this year. Still, my kids are better off than at our public schools where early teenage pregnancy, drugs, alcohol, etc. bombard their "social" lives. My kids have a peaceful social life without the extra angst.

 

Just hang in there and try to tune out their criticism. They truly don't understand and they will always think THEY are right. My dad always talks about how my kids need the mentors at school, but I don't ever remember him being remotely interested in me having mentors. Times are very different now from when our parents were young, and I don't think they realize how different things are.

 

YOU are the parent and should do what you know is best.

 

Susan

[Jennifer in NH]

fwiw; my favorite time as a teen was exploring in the woods and doing things like that, by myself...I did go to ps, but in the summer we went away so i was not around my friends...I loved having no schedual.

 

I'm sorry your mom is so manipulative. Stay strong and remeber what happened to you just about at that age...socialization is not the be all and end all. and what if it is with the 'wrong' type of people?

[PineFarmMom]

Thanks all. I can't even believe what a hard time I have with this. I think I'm an idealist, and I always believe somewhere deep down that some day there will be a close family bond between myself and my parents and siblings, if I just do and say the right thing. I mean, after all, isn't that what God wants me to do? Be the peacemaker? I want it to be easy and to have the right comments to flow from my lips and put them in their place. When I do have a good comeback I immediately feel I was too strong or unkind or too something. When I say nothing, I feel weak and spineless. I'm old enough and have homeschooled long enough that I think I should have this part down. I don't. :(

[Starr]

We spent some time with a counselor about other issues. But one of the best all around pieces of advice she gave us was learning to remain neutral. Do not answer in any way that opens opinions or debate. It takes a while but they finally get it. It is also very hard because we want to defend ourselves. The, "this is best for our family" is about as far as I would go. (Unless I lost my cool.) Get up, walk away, go do something else when the conversation starts. I would teach my children to do the same.

 

I think being around homeschooling makes school parents question and defend themselves even though we are not accusing them.

 

I'm sorry. It is so difficult with family. I miss having family in the area but it does mean I only get the above on the phone. :)

[dirty ethel rackham]

Boundaries. You do not have to discuss it with her. You do not have to seek her approval. You do not have to have her approval. If you search the board for posts on boundaries, you will find tons of suggestions on how to have a cordial relationship while maintaining the boundary of what your family does and does not have say about. The key is to nip every criticism in the bud. "Thanks for your concern. We've got it covered." Change the subject.

 

Bean Dip article

 

 

http://thehomeschoolclassroom.blogspot.com/2009/03/pass-bean-dip.html

 

Now, don't get me wrong. Setting boundaries is not easy or painfree, nor does it produce overnight results. It takes practice and it may cause some uncomfortable shifts in relationships. However, it makes life much easier in the long run. I'll share my story again of standing up to anti-homeschooling pressure.

 

I, too, looked for approval from my family. Every negative comment caused me great pain. However, I knew in my heart what I had to do. I had been subjected to criticism for every parenting decision that I made from nursing my child, holding my child "too much", responding to my child's cries, reading to my infant, nursing my child too long, etc. I was learning to not offer to much information in many areas of our parenting just to avoid criticism. When we made the decision to homeschool, that, of course, was met with much criticism as well. I would shrug off the insistance at putting my child in preschool with flippant remarks, such as, it is sooo not worth the money.

 

Well, the last straw came when my mom called me up to offer me money to send my child to preschool. She told me that I was going to ruin my children by not sending them to school. That is the day I grew a backbone. I told my mom that dh and I had researched it, discussed it, prayed about it and were confident in our decision. I told her that I was offended that she thought so little of me and my ability to make well-informed decisions. I finally told her that dh and I were the parents and that we are make the decisions about our children. If we could not discuss homeschooling in a respectful manner (as in a genuine interest in learning more about it rather than an inquisition,) then we would not discuss it at all. She hung up on me and did not speak to me in 2 months (her choice.) She did eventually make some friendly overtures and we were speaking again - just not about homeschooling:). That boundary stood. When we did start discussing homeschooling, her questions changed from accusatory to genuine requests for information. She never did apologize for her actions (it just isn't our style - we let things blow over.) However, I have overheard her talk about my kids in a glowing manner. She has seen the proof in the pudding and realizes that the kids are turning out great. Today, we have an excellent relationship - no longer as domineering mother over meek little daughter, but as two adults who love each other very much.

 

Keep your chin up. Follow your heart where your children are concerned. You can do it.

[Stacy in NJ]

you felt confident in your decision.

 

What do you need to do to get confident in your decision?

 

Obviously, it's not helpful to constantly have family members attempt to plant seeds of doubt, but those seeds wouldn't root if you felt good about your choices.

 

Get it straight in your own mind why you continue to homeschool. Discuss openly with your dh and your dd the positive and negitive. If you feel firm in your choices as a family then what others say will have little impact.