Based on Faith Academy Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 As I mentioned in my first thread back we separated eight months ago. I can't let go. It hurts being without him. There is no chance for reconciliation. He wants nothing to do with me. Any recommendations on a book to read to help me deal with it. I am not one to talk to people about my problems so I haven't really gone to even my pastor for guidance. I just called him yesterday and we are working on setting up a meeting around my work schedule. I just need something to uplift me and help me realize I have to move on. I swear I look back on my marriage and wonder if I was possibly the problem in our marriage and not him the whole time. I can't change that now so I must move on whether I like it or not. Christina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eaglei Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 No recommendations - just hugs and prayers . . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LizzyBee Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 (edited) Christina, It's going to take time and there is no way around that. The average grieving period is 2 years; the longer you were married, the longer it takes to get past the divorce. But be encouraged that what you are feeling is NORMAL and you will get past it. One day you'll wake up and realize that you've been having more good days than bad ones. And it will keep getting better, little by little. When I was separated, someone from my church came to me and told me that you never really get over being divorced, but you learn to move on. She said she would be emotional and shaky the rest of the day for having talked to me about her divorce - which had happened over 15 years earlier. I thought to myself that she has to be the exception, because half the people in America are divorced and they can't all be walking around wounded and scarred like that. About 5 years later, I understood what she meant. You move on, you learn and become stronger and healthier; with a little luck your new life is better than the old one; but you're never really the same person you were before the divorce. Don't take your x's guilt on your shoulders. You are NOT responsible for his choices and that's a burden you don't need. My xh made a comment once that made me realize that I could have been June Cleaver with Barbie's face and body, and he still would have cheated. The urge to cheat was within him and really had nothing to do with me. (I don't have any idea what led to your separation, but the point is his choices, whatever they are, are not your fault.) OTOH, no-one is perfect and it's healthy to reflect on the changes you could make within yourself to make your future relationships strong. Please feel free to PM me if you want to. Edited April 11, 2009 by LizzyBee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sandalwood Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 No book recommendations here either, but sending prayers your way right now. I'm sure someone will post who has been in your situation. You said you hadn't talked to your minister.... If your church does not have it, do any of close churches have divorce recovery groups? Several do here and you might could go to one at another church where others didn't know you and have more privacy that way. Just a thought. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 As I mentioned in my first thread back we separated eight months ago. I can't let go. It hurts being without him. There is no chance for reconciliation. It took me over four years to "get over it". Interestingly, I kept thinking "someday I'll be over him so I can get interested in something again" (I have a history of being passionately interested in something for long stretches, years even). Then, after kiddo was born and I decided to homeschool, I was doing a math text to brush up my skills. I became fascinated and one day lifted my head up with jerk and realized I hadn't pined for him for over 2 weeks. It was a case of getting interested in something else (homeschooling) that that got me over him. NB: even having my first child and getting remarried didn't "get me over him"! I recall once waking up and hearing someone (my new husband) in the shower and for one sleepy moment I thought "Oh thankgoodness, it was all a NIGHTmare, and I'm still married to X" and in seconds I realized it wasn't a bad dream and out poured the tears. Put your energies into healthy things, and one of those sparks will turn into a nice crackly fire. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 (edited) I read the book "Draw Close to Jehovah" 4 times. He carried me through the torture of separation and abuse with a pregnandy and then newborn baby. I picture myself in the palm of his hand. I recommend that you make our Father your best friend. Communicate with Him constantly. Learn about His wonderful qualities, personality and personal love for you. Listen to Him by reading the personal letter that he sent us all so that we need not be alone, and pray for guidance and strength. And look for people and events that may be answering your prayers for help, even if they may come from an unexpected place. I will pray for you. This is so close to my heart. I am crying now. You can do this, but you don't have to do it alone. Isaiah 41:13 13 For I, Jehovah your God, am grasping your right hand, the One saying to you, "Do not be afraid. I myself will help you." Edited April 11, 2009 by Lovedtodeath Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiegirl Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 :grouphug: I am not separated but let's just say that life is rough right now. I read a very encouraging book this week "The Cross-Centered Life" by C.J. Mahaney. It is not about divorce or marriage specifically but it is about how to live a life focused on the cross. One thing he said that struck me deeply was that we all fall in the rut of listening to ourselves ("Maybe what dh said about me is right." "Maybe I am the reason for all of this mess." "I am a failure," etc.) Most of the time what we are listening to are lies. We need to start talking to ourselves. We need to tell ourselves the truth, the truth that is found in the Bible. This book has changed my mindset about alot of things. Again, :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kat19 Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SherryTX Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 As I mentioned in my first thread back we separated eight months ago. I can't let go. It hurts being without him. There is no chance for reconciliation.He wants nothing to do with me. Any recommendations on a book to read to help me deal with it. I am not one to talk to people about my problems so I haven't really gone to even my pastor for guidance. I just called him yesterday and we are working on setting up a meeting around my work schedule. I just need something to uplift me and help me realize I have to move on. I swear I look back on my marriage and wonder if I was possibly the problem in our marriage and not him the whole time. I can't change that now so I must move on whether I like it or not. Christina This is not specifically geared to separation or divorce. However, Nathaniel Branden's The Six Pillars of Self Esteem is very good, and may be of use to you right now. It is an amazing book. I admire the fact that you are working on moving on. I am sure this is so very difficult for you. Focus on yourself - taking care of yourself, and your kids, and remember that you can be happy again, even without him. I know all this is easier said than done, and you have a lot of work ahead. But from your post it sounds like you are ready to take those steps - so keep strong and keep moving forward!:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 Counseling helped me in a similar situation. I refused to let go of the hope that we'd reconcile. I was in denial and looking at only the good parts of the marriage and the fantasy parts in my mind. My counselor had me talk to my ex, specifically asking face to face if there was even the slightest chance that we could reconcile. I'll never forget that conversation in all of my life. Even after all these years and the fact that I can now look back and realize that the divorce was definitely the best thing, that conversation is one of the most painful memories of my life. I truly cannot understand how I would have made it through that dark period in my life without the counselor. Family members were just too close to me to be objective. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzanne in ABQ Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 I got "stuck" after my separation from my first dh. Even after 18 months, I found myself watching weather forecasts where he lived, wondering what he would be doing, and hoping it would rain. :) Actually, I thought about him almost every minute of every day. I was obsessed. The only thing that got me passed it was counseling. My counselor helped me move through the stages of grief, so I could get to the other side, the letting go. No book I read helped. No book I read looked at me and told me exactly what I needed to hear, even when it was hard. Even when it was the farthest thing from my mind, and the last thing I thought I needed. If you are a Christian, I would recommend you contact your local Presbyterian church, and ask them for recommendations for Christian counselors. The Presbyterians are very active in family counseling ministry. My pastor friend in another state (not a Presbyterian) recommended I contact the Presbyterians for help. When I looked in the phone book, I discovered that a local Presbyterian church had a family counseling center right in their church! It was a God-send for me. Maybe there is something similar in your area. I know that what you're going through is hard. Please consider talking to a counselor. You will never find a book that is written specifically for you, in your exact situation. Books will give you little gems here and there, but won't work you thoroughly through exactly what you need to get past your wall (whatever that is). Hang in there. Help is available. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy in TN Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 This isn't particularly uplifting, but- books, couseling, friends- nothing helped me move forward as much as anger! Get angry. Move past acceptance and hurt and become truly infuriated. Growl at all the time you wasted in denial. Scream at the time you lost wondering what you could have done differently. Then, realize you have to own the time you have now and go find something else to do. Learn to crochet; join a bowling league; take a class a the local CC; pop popcorn and have a living room camp out/ movie night with your kids. :grouphug: and unfortunately to get to this point may take more time. Mandy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 This isn't particularly uplifting, but- books, couseling, friends- nothing helped me move forward as much as anger! Get angry. Move past acceptance and hurt and become truly infuriated. Growl at all the time you wasted in denial. Scream at the time you lost wondering what you could have done differently. :iagree: Luckily, this was a very short phase for me. I've know people to dwell in it for, well, the rest of the time I put up with them.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzanne in ABQ Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 This isn't particularly uplifting, but- books, couseling, friends- nothing helped me move forward as much as anger! Get angry. Move past acceptance and hurt and become truly infuriated. Growl at all the time you wasted in denial. Scream at the time you lost wondering what you could have done differently. Then, realize you have to own the time you have now and go find something else to do. Learn to crochet; join a bowling league; take a class a the local CC; pop popcorn and have a living room camp out/ movie night with your kids. :grouphug: and unfortunately to get to this point may take more time. Mandy :iagree: Yes! I posted above that I had been stuck, and that my counselor helped me through the process. What she told me to do was get ANGRY! She told me that what my dh was doing was cruel (Me: "It is?") Duh. Her: Yes. It's cruel, and you need to get angry. You need to write him angry letters. You need to throw pillows." She gave me permission to set aside my nice-girl tendencies and work through stuff. I did everything she said. Then, I went skydiving. That totally changed my perspective on things. I realized that if I could do that, I could do anything, and I really didn't need him for anything. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy in TN Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Then, I went skydiving. That totally changed my perspective on things. I realized that if I could do that, I could do anything, and I really didn't need him for anything. Well, gee, skydiving, uh, I think that beats crocheting hands down. :lol:Mandy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Based on Faith Academy Posted April 13, 2009 Author Share Posted April 13, 2009 My hardest thing has been having friends. My dh turned into a home body after marriage so I didn't and still don't have any friends near me. It was mentioned by someone about how they sat down with their dh at a counseling session and asked him out right if there was any chance to reconcile and he said no. I did this exact thing but over an email and the answer to me was one word, "NO." I am not sure how it was I got through that night. I felt like my world had fallen away. Then I thought of my children and realized that I have two people who love me no matter how many mistakes I made. It has been hard. The tears I cry seem endless. The guilt I feel continues. I was the one who was looking into separation at first yet in the end he is the one who wants it. How can you stop loving someone so much and move on. I have to move on. I know that now. After his email I know there is no way I can keep looking back. Why though must I pay for one mistake in our marriage and recognize it while he can't even see the ones he made? I forgave him his mistakes for the first half of our marriage why can't he forgive mine? When do I learn to forgive myself? These are the questions I ask myself on a daily basis. Why wasn't I enough for him to want to spend time with? Thank you for all the support it has meant so much to me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlebug42 Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 To help me get through a loss like this, a counselor once recommended the book, "How to Survive the Loss of a Love". It helped me a lot but the book is about the process that you have to work through with grief. I found it very helpful because it walks you through the process in baby steps and allows you to feel what you need to feel. You will be in my prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Then I thought of my children and realized that I have two people who love me no matter how many mistakes I made. Why wasn't I enough for him to want to spend time with? ! It is deeply painful to realize that you have been rejected despite being the best person you could be. It took time for me to realize some people are just not happy with what they have. As for the anger mentioned in another post, he's walking off from a marriage with kids. I'd be even more upset about that than personal rejection. It would be much easier to let go of someone who did that. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 {{{many tender hugs}}} Time. Good friends. Support. Spirituality. Do things good for you as a woman, mother, friend; eat well, exercise, etc. Counselling. Divorcecare.org has some good ideas. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.