Need some creative discipline ideas for this offense

[BalanceSeeker]

I just can't believe my dd9 would blatantly disobey me in this way. She has issues with self-control/ADD, but this takes the cake.

 

Months ago she found the tooth fairy teeth in my jewelry box (yes, we do Santa, etc in our home...I have fun with it...that's another issue). She asked me and I told her the truth about the tooth fairy. I asked her not to tell dd7 because it's fun for her and she really enjoys the anticipation of it all. I made it very clear she was not to say a word. It wasn't even one day before I heard her telling her sister, "I have secret, but I can't tell you until you are older..." I told her again not to even taunt her by doing that. Again, we really struggle with issues of self-control with this child.

 

Fast forward to today, dd7 came down and said dd9 spilled the beans. UGH. I want to initiate a discipline that will fit the offense of blatant disobedience and lack of self control. I'm coming up with nothing, other than taking away the play date set up for next week, which she is really looking forward to (these are old private school kids that she misses dearly). I struggle with how mean that would be, though, because she rarely gets to see them, and often cries because she misses them so much (this is our first year hs'g). But, I really want to make an impression on her with this one. She needs to know that she MUST THINK BEFORE SHE SAYS THINGS! Her impulsiveness is really taking a toll, and my parenting must really stink because I can't get through to her....

 

Christa

[Michelle T]

just wanted to point out that even adults without ADD or other issues very rarely can truly keep secrets. People spill the beans all the time, always with the admonishment to "don't tell anyone, but...."

 

A child with a secret, PLUS ADD/impulse issues is a guaranteed give-away....

 

I know what you are talking about though. My DS and DH both have raging ADHD, and no impulse control at all. I cannot tell you how often DH embarrasses me.

 

Since your DD has already spoiled the secret, there's no going back there. I would have a very serious talk with her about ruining things for others, the fun of a game or surprise for younger sibs, that sort of thing. Then I'd remind myself that she's going to do impulsive stuff again, drive you crazy again, screw up again. And then I'd have that talk with her again.......

 

I have found that life with ADHD'ers is pretty much an endless cycle of reminders, mistakes, apologies (I'd have your older DD apologize to the younger for sure), reminders, mistakes, apologies. I get so tired of having to explain things that are obvious (to me, anyway) the ridiculous stunts DH and DS are always pulling, the absolute lack of understanding of consequences, the lack of any impulse control. Drives me crazy!

 

Sorry, I'm just rambling. I haven't had enough caffeine yet. But I understand, oh, I understand, life with a person who doesn't think before acting.

Michelle T

[saw]

I don't know if this works as discipline, but I would have your older DD be the toothfairy the next time it's necessary. Have her give the money, write a note from the "toothfairy", add glitter, make it fancy. Maybe she would understand that it's fun to do something like for someone else, and perhaps she could then understand how unfun it is to have the secret ruined. Just my random thoughts.

[coralloyd]

I think that that punishment is too harsh. It is very hard for littles to keep secerts. I wouldn't have even started the need for secerts, between close siblings (we don't do Santa, Tooth Fairy, ect..). However, just explain to her that from now on you know that you cannot trust her with secerts. She will have to wait till she is much older to participate in fun secerts and surprises.

[TraceyS/FL]

Well, in the grand schema of things - a friend had the best idea i have heard.

 

"If you don't believe, you don't get anything".

 

Goes all around for everything - her 30 yo DD still believes in Santa, 'cause otherwise, you get no gifts. LOL!!

 

I'm sorry you have one of those - i do too, and am really pushing the don't believe don't get anything so that the little one has a chance of getting some years of fun. I agree with the making her help to be in on the "fun" now, it might help.

[myfunnybunch]

To address the disobedience, I would just implement whatever consequence I'd normally use for outright disobedience. You made it clear she was not to tell. She told. A creative consequence might confuse the issue more than if you just implement the usual consistent consequence.

 

An apology, maybe written, to her sister is a great idea too.

 

To address the secret-keeping, in the future, I'd probably not ask her to keep secrets. Secrets might be too big a challenge for her right now. I did find with my oldest that if I included her in the game (helping play Santa or the tooth fairy, choosing a birthday surprise) it became her game/surprise to play along and it helped her to learn to keep fun surprises to herself.

 

Cat

[Dobela]

When I was about her age, I discovered that my brother would tell everything if asked the right questions. I then weaseled out what all of my upcoming Christmas gifts would be. I thought it was really cool knowing what all of my presents would be until I actually opened them. I discovered that the packages were not as much fun since I already knew what was in them. Since then I have never asked to be told a secret (unless it has to do with a safety issue). No punishment is really going to make your daughter understand just what she took away from her sister - the joy of magical and surprise. That is unless you find some way to spoil a surprise for her that she has been greatly anticipating-like a birthday gift.

[SonshineLearner]

I don't know if this works as discipline, but I would have your older DD be the toothfairy the next time it's necessary. Have her give the money, write a note from the "toothfairy", add glitter, make it fancy. Maybe she would understand that it's fun to do something like for someone else, and perhaps she could then understand how unfun it is to have the secret ruined. Just my random thoughts.

 

I think I'd do this, and have her put in as much as you normally do, "to kinda make up for your other knowing."

 

Punishment is not all it's made out to be. You can feel like wackin' but remember that even adults have a hard time not telling secrets. But, remind her about the fact that telling someone else's secrets is focusing on herself and how it made HER feel....and not how her sister feels about it. It's a selfish impulsive act, rather than a kind one. Maybe memorizing a couple of verses (Bible, or other ones) about being self-less....would be good.

 

Carrie

[Danestress]

I do think it's a lot to expect a 9 year old with impulse control to keep a secret, and I'm not sure that secrets between kids that age is the best idea anyway. I would just tell her that I am really sad that the days of tooth fairy magic are over, and that I'm disappointed in her. But I would not take away her play date.

[BalanceSeeker]

I appreciate the thoughts. I understand what some of you are saying about her not being asked to keep a secret. However, it was still a command she was given, and she disobeyed me...

 

I have ADD, too, and I think that self-control is something that still should be expected and reinforced. That's just me, though. I would never let her get away with more just because she has ADD. A rule is a rule in my book. Those of us with ADD just need more practice, that's all.

 

Anyway, thanks for all the great suggestions!

 

Crista

[Terabith]

I don't know any nine year old who could keep that secret forever. This wasn't a surprise birthday party happening next week. This is a "don't tell forever." That kind of thing burns with the urge to tell. I would tell her that I'm disappointed, that I understand that it's hard not to tell and that she really ruined a nice surprise for her sister. I would just express sorrow, rather than punishment or even anger. It's a sad, disappointing time, the realization that these things are pretend, no matter the circumstances, and older siblings or friends telling is probably the number one way it is revealed. I think I would express sorrow and disappointment and forgive her and move on.

[kalanamak]

I think that that punishment is too harsh. It is very hard for littles to keep secerts. I wouldn't have even started the need for secerts, between close siblings (we don't do Santa, Tooth Fairy, ect..). However, just explain to her that from now on you know that you cannot trust her with secerts. She will have to wait till she is much older to participate in fun secerts and surprises.

 

:iagree:

 

If you are frustrated by other, more important things, work on those, but let a secret slip go. Many adults can't keep them!

[Mama Bear]

Her impulsiveness is really taking a toll, and my parenting must really stink because I can't get through to her....

 

No, her ability to hear and synthesize your words into action has absolutely NOTHING to do with your parenting. Period. I would not punish for this.

 

Have you seen Dr. Amen's ADD book? Hold on -- I'll go find it and share the actual title.... Healing ADD. I recommend it highly because he takes into account all facets of a diagnosis and what it means for the family too. I absolutely believe that her impulsiveness is taking a toll, probably a huge one at that, but there are things that can help demonstrably with that.

 

:grouphug:

[Mama Bear]

I appreciate the thoughts. I understand what some of you are saying about her not being asked to keep a secret. However, it was still a command she was given, and she disobeyed me...

 

I have ADD, too, and I think that self-control is something that still should be expected and reinforced. That's just me, though. I would never let her get away with more just because she has ADD. A rule is a rule in my book. Those of us with ADD just need more practice, that's all.

 

Anyway, thanks for all the great suggestions!

 

Crista

 

 

Crista, I agree that self-control should be expected and enforced. However, I wouldn't, for example, leave a five year old alone within reach of a boiling liquid. I also have child-proof locks on certain cabinets to keep toddlers from a potentially deadly accident. I think that certain stages of life and certain levels of brain function require perhaps different levels of expectation. Other issues aside, as someone with ADD, you probably know intuitively that as frustrated (and probably furious) as you are with her about this and many other issues that are making you feel a bit crazy around the edges ;) , punishing her will not change her ability to control herself.

 

You're probably already doing quite a lot with her, so pardon me if I'm overstepping, but... I'd go with sadness and explanation of the loss of "innocence" or however you'd like to explain it, relating it to her fun times and similar make-believe experiences. Make it as much of a teaching moment as you can -- the more emotionally charged your interaction is, the less she's likely to get out of it. And then I'd go find more resources for her, for myself, for the family. This is wearing on you, as you said, so it's time to change up the story in favor of one that helps you all to thrive.

 

:grouphug:

[Aubrey]

Disobedience should be corrected, but this may not be disobedience in the sense of intentionally doing the opposite of what she was told. Unless there's more to the story, it sounds like childishness. I think it's important to talk about these things but to be careful about being too harsh. Sometimes my kids' childish behavior is so disappointing to me, I overreact & crush them a little. Then I'm even more disappointed--in myself.

 

I like the idea of letting her be the Tooth Fairy. When dh & I decided that ds8 was old enough to know about Santa, we let him start choosing one gift for his younger sibs "from Santa," so he'd feel a part of the magic. I don't know that that was particularly brilliant, as the result has been more gifting, lol, but it seems to be special to ds, & my hope is that it will be more special when dd5 is old enough to find out & participate, too.

 

But I try to deal w/ things like this w/ a clear goal in mind. In our case, the goal is to foster closeness between sibs. I figure if you can get along w/ THOSE people (sibs), you can get along w/ ANYONE. :lol:

[sassenach]

I appreciate the thoughts. I understand what some of you are saying about her not being asked to keep a secret. However, it was still a command she was given, and she disobeyed me...

 

I have ADD, too, and I think that self-control is something that still should be expected and reinforced. That's just me, though. I would never let her get away with more just because she has ADD. A rule is a rule in my book. Those of us with ADD just need more practice, that's all.

 

Anyway, thanks for all the great suggestions!

 

Crista

 

I'm going to have to agree with others here. You're expectations are not developmentally in line. When giving a command to be obeyed, you have to keep it within reasonable ability of the child. You would not punish a 2 year old for disobeying if you gave a command to not touch a candy sitting out on the table- for weeks and weeks.

 

Even God promises not to tempt us beyond what we can handle. I believe you gave your child a command to obey something that was beyond her ability to handle.

 

I have a 6yo that is much like this. I am fully aware that when the day comes that he learns the truth about santa or the tooth fairy, his little sister will be finding out as well. I will not expect him to keep that kind of secret. Is it a little sad that she'll find out earlier than he will? Yeah, it is, but that's life.

 

So, while she did disobey you, I think you are the one who made the error. That said, I cannot tell you how many times I've done the same thing. For me, it's usually dh that points this out. This is just part of parenting, we all make mistakes!