Am I blowing this out of proportion?

[Danestress]

The other day I dropped my son off to play a match out our tennis club. The club has a "ladder" thing going where kids can challenge each other, earn points, and get ranked. The kid he was playing is not actually a member of the club, but once a long time ago I asked the pro about my son playing against him (this kid participates in a lot of club clinics and lessons) and the pro said that he wouldn't bother registering him as a guest if it's kids playing during the week. I will say that the club rules say otherwise, so it was like the pro was bending rules that perhaps aren't his to bend.

 

Anyway, I wasn't even thinking about that - I guess since the pros put the ladder together I just assumed that everyone signed up was okay to challenge each other and play. All the participants are enrolled in a clinic my son participates in twice a week.

 

So I dropped my son off, he started to play with this kid. Unfortunately, they signed up for one court but then agreed to play on a different one and forgot to change the court reservation board to reflect that.

 

An older man came over and started to grouch at them for playing on a court they hadn't signed up on. My son said he *had* signed up, and then realized what his mistake probably was and said he was sorry, that he signed up for court #24 but forgot to change it. The man said, "Don't lie to me, son." There is really no reason anyone would lie about that, since the court was free so they COULD have signed up for it if they had remembered. He also gave my son a hard time about not signing up a guest and made him register the kid as a guest.

 

I am pretty distressed that this man called my son a liar. My son was mortified. I emailed the pro and told him about it. He said that we should have registered the other kid. I reminded him of our previous conversation, but said that I do know the rules, but that I also think that it would be better to charge the boys family a flat rate rather than entering him in a ladder and then charging member families when he challenges their kids to play. Honestly, I don't think that the pro really expected us to register the other kid as a non-member. I think he's just saying that because now that a stink has been made about it, he knows the rules.

 

But the thing is, it's not the money. I'm really steamed that this man called my son a liar. My son, I can say truly, has never had an interaction with an adult who didn't like him. He was just stunned by it. This son is just a particularly good-natured child and is always polite and agreeable (except sometimes with his twin brother, lol).

 

Someone else told me that the man who confronted them is actually a club employee.

 

Anyway, I told the pro in my email that it wasn't the money - that I felt my son's character had been attacked.

 

I guess I just want to know if other mothers would be as upset about the "don't lie to me" comment. How about fathers? My husband is actually pretty upset about it, too. Sometimes I wonder if other people think it's okay to accuse kids of lying because they just think all kids lie and it doesn't matter if a kid has a good reputation for honesty. I don't know. I teach my sons to treasure their honor and never consider selling it for some small profit (like passing as a younger kid for a discount of food or movie tickets) or in order to stay out of some passing trouble with an adult. It's a big deal to me.

[Vida Winter]

I'd be angry too, but would use the opportunity to discuss. One occasionally has to deal with cranky old people and it's just as well that it happen while he's under your protective wing. In the grand scheme of things your son will not be damaged; he will be a little bit wiser.

 

:grouphug:

 

Dana

[NorthwestMom]

I would be unhappy, but I would remind myself that the man has a different set of experiences that might lead him to come to that conclusion. You can't control what people think about you, no matter how crazy the negative opinion makes you. You son should have some peace knowing in his heart what his intentions were. Obviously, he won't go through life with everyone he meets liking him - nobody does - so now is a good time to have that experience while you are there to put it in perspective for him.

 

This is a good lesson for your son about following the rules and taking bad advice. Sometimes people in authority give bad advice, but it is still your fault if you take it, KWIM? Follow the rules of the club if you don't want other members to be upset.

[Danestress]

 

This is a good lesson for your son about following the rules and taking bad advice. Sometimes people in authority give bad advice, but it is still your fault if you take it, KWIM? Follow the rules of the club if you don't want other members to be upset.

 

That's true, but in our defense I have to say that since we all play to be in a clinic, having a ladder within the clinic, I just assumed we were okay. I actually have no idea whether some of the other kids in the ladder are members or not. Nothing in the ladder information made mention of this, and I honestly am surprised that they are going to charge us all to be in the ladder, and then when a kid challenges my kid, make me pay for the court time. It's weird.

 

I actually think this is something that they will clarify next time the do the ladder, and my guess is, the clarification will be that we don't have to pay extra for that, but for now, I think it's just something the pro hadn't thought about.

[Julie in CA]

I guess I just want to know if other mothers would be as upset about the "don't lie to me" comment.

Well, it sounds like two separate issues here. I would speak to someone about clarifying the club rules, just to make sure that you know them and can, therefore, follow them.

 

The "Don't lie to me" comment, on the other hand, that I'd completely let go. There are grumpy people all over the place. It's just a fact of life, and I'd be using this as an opportunity to teach my dc how to move on from people who have the grumps without letting it become a Big Deal. You can't *make* people be nice, as much as we'd like to!

[Marylou]

Try to let it go. It doesn't matter what this man thinks of your son. It is better to be gracious than to be right. Sounds like your son was both.

 

"A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense." Proverbs 19:11

[LizzyBee]

On the one hand, I'd tell my child that when people are rude and make unfounded accusations, it's a bad reflection on themselves and not on the person they're speaking to. You have to let those things roll off your back. OTOH, if this guy is an employee of the club, his behavior reflects on the club, not just himself. I'd speak to a manager and expect an apology to my son, either from the employee or club management.

[Home'scool]

I'd be upset too. When something similar happened with one of my kids (her character being challenged by an adult) I requested a meeting with all parties involved.

 

While it is a good lesson for your son to learn to deal with difficult personalities, I also think it is a good lesson to show him how to stick up for himself. I don't think it is unreasonable for everyone to sit down and clear the air - especially about the lying accusation

[katemary63]

 

The "Don't lie to me" comment, on the other hand, that I'd completely let go. There are grumpy people all over the place. It's just a fact of life, and I'd be using this as an opportunity to teach my dc how to move on from people who have the grumps without letting it become a Big Deal. You can't *make* people be nice, as much as we'd like to!

 

:iagree::iagree:

[Stacy in NJ]

I think it's a learning experience for your ds in that he's learning to deal with jerky people in the world. To state the obvious, there are just some folks that aren't going to treat us in the way we think we should be treated. Perhaps you and your dh can role play a bit with your kiddos to help them handle these types of situations when they arise. I think it was appropriate to complain to the pro about this treatment, but if your ds is old enough, possible next time he can deal with it himself.

[Tammyla]

I'd double check and go over the rules with ds. If that old grump was a member, I second the live and learn from it.

 

However, if he was an employee I definitely think it reflects on the club. I'm not sure an apology would be necessary, but I'd call the manager to complain about his lack of professional courtesy.

[Colleen]

I'm surprised you're so upset about the man's comment, Dana; that doesn't seem like you. Sure, it's irritating for someone to imply you've lied when you've done nothing of the sort, but in this case...so what? Really? People aren't always going to be polite. People aren't always going to assume the best of us. People are going to misunderstand, make accusations, etc. That's life. Get over it. That's pretty much what I would have told my son had he relayed the story to me.

 

And in the older man's defense, was he really that horrid to your son? I don't think so. He initially said something about the boys not signing up for that court ~ which was the case. Your son first said he had signed up, then said something else. From this man's perspective it no doubt sounded like he was backpedaling and making an excuse.

 

I realize that wasn't the case. I'm talking about how it likely came across to this man. He then said, "Don't lie to me, son." Now, honest to goodness, how awful is that? He didn't say, "You're a f--ing liar!" He made a simple, imperative statement. I'm sure it felt patronizing to your son. I'm sure he didn't like being taken to task when he wasn't at fault. But I think your son, you, and your husband are seriously overreacting.

 

Re the club rules, I'd seek more clarification on that as others here have suggested.

[Danestress]

It was helpful to see other input, and I appreciate having a place to do that.

 

I got a phone call from the pro today telling me that he was wrong - there really shouldn't have been a fee for playing with a non-member within a ladder, because the ladder fee for non-members covers that. It really wasn't making sense to me that we should have. So I feel better about that part of it - just knowing that the man insisting my son go reregister was stepping out of line (though of course my son did it without argument).

 

It's weird to me that someone would accuse a kid of lying under circumstances where (1) no one would lie - there just isn't a motive or reason or any evidence of lying and (2) you would never accuse an adult.

 

Anyway, I know I didn't really overreact on the outside because all I did was just tell DH, talk about it with DS, and send an email to two of the pros explaining what happened and asking for clarification of the rules. But I was surprised at how much it bothered me on the inside to have my son falsely accused.

 

The best part is that the man who did this has a name that, of course, I can't write here, but it's the best name *ever* for a crabby old guy. When the pro told me today, I started laughing. I wish I could reproduce it here, but ....public forum and all.....

Edited March 24, 2009 by Danestress

[kalanamak]

I'd be angry too, but would use the opportunity to discuss. One occasionally has to deal with cranky old people and it's just as well that it happen while he's under your protective wing. In the grand scheme of things your son will not be damaged; he will be a little bit wiser.

 

 

:iagree:

 

I was so appalled to accused of things I didn't do by neighbors, I never told my parents. It made me even more shy! I was particularly hurt because the man was from Australia, and I'd just gotten back from living there and met such terribly nice people.

[lmrich]

It is better to be gracious than to be right. .

 

:iagree:

[blessed2fosteradopt]

However, if he was an employee I definitely think it reflects on the club. I'm not sure an apology would be necessary, but I'd call the manager to complain about his lack of professional courtesy.

 

 

:iagree:As a representative of the club, I think the man, grumpy or not, was out of line to call this young man a liar. I would be upset and confront staff as I would certainly want to know if I were a business owner and this was one of my employees. Having said that, I would stay quiet in front of my child with the exception of using the experience as a life lesson.

 

Blessings,

 

Lisa