Tess in the Burbs Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 I was executer of my father's will until today when he called to get SS#s for his new will. In the past my sister had 'issues' and he felt I was the most responsible. I had one child at the time and was pregnant and lived 2000 miles away. today he tells me my sister is the executer. she's 2.5 hours away from him. I am 7 1/2. And I am busy with my kids. So he's putting her down. I want to scream. My sister can't be trusted. Her job is more important than anything and if she had a deadline....anything that needed to be done would not! Part of me is hurt. I can get up and go to his place with the kids if needed. When my stepmom died last year I dropped everything to go be with my dad. But he now feels my parenting duties would keep me from coming if the worst happened to him? I don't have a key to his home. My sister does. She has already taken things out of his house without asking if I had an interest. She won't sell off things...she will decide what she wants and never ask me. The more I think about her history with the family I get so upset! She will make a bad situation worse and she will win. It's about getting what she wants. How do I tactfully say I think he's making a mistake? How do I let him know I have always been there when it mattered for important things? How do I get across I am hurt? (I am the older daughter) any help how to emotional get past this? or what to say that won't upset him in pointing out I think he's making a mistake? Or do I just suck it up and keep my mouth shut? I can't talk to my sister about it. It would just be one more thing she would feel she won. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy loves Bud Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Between Bud and I we have lost 3 out of 4 parents. And I've seen this go well and I've seen it go ugly. My only advice to you is to decide right now that you are not going to fight. No matter what your sister does. This was your dad's choice, and unless he is mentally incapable of making such decisions, you should respect that. It's really not worth the salt shakers to go down that road. If there is something sentimental that you really love, you might mention to your dad that you would like to have that and perhaps he could add that to the will. Then smile and don't get caught up in it. Really. Nothing good will come of it except more ugliness between you and your sister when your dad is gone if you decide to make a case about it. And you might be surprised at how important your relationship with your sister will become then. I'm sorry you are hurt. But try to focus on the living and it will make it easier. ((((Tess)))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 I think that you need to take this to your heavenly Father (I feel like I can put in Christian content from looking at your signature line). It may not be fair or even wise, but I don't think that there really is a way to convince him otherwise (unless you had a really open relationship and what you wrote doesn't suggest that). If he needs you in the future, be there for him, even if you aren't in charge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 While I can understand why you are hurt, to be perfectly honest I wouldn't say anything. A person's will is about what they want, whether or not it is fair or sensible. Your dad's stuff is his to save or waste as he likes until he gives it to someone else. You might be able to feel better if you remember that none of his stuff is yours (or your kids') until it is given to you, if it is given to you. None of you have any rights to any of it until then. It's not about your sister winning, though she'll look at it that way, and you are too. It's about Dad doing what he wants to do. Heck, he's well within his rights to leave his entire fortune to the local cat shelter if he wants to. My grandmother's sister behaved much like your sister. I admit feeling a sense of karma that she has always had way more health problems than my grandmother (who has a reasonable collection herself...) :grouphug: Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 (edited) Regardless of who is named executor, if your sister has a key, she can get in your Dad's house and take stuff while he is alive if he lets her. What is more, he may well be giving her things. So naming her executor is irrelevant in this particular respect. Currently, she has the key and is either taking things or is being given things. Has he told you she is actually taking things without asking? If he's telling you that, then maybe that would be the moment to ask if he's okay with that arrangement. But there is no way to tactfully say, "I think my sister shouldn't have a key to your house." As far as executor goes, it's really not about who gets the "stuff." An executor has a responsibility to preserve the estate. If she's stealing from it after his death, you can bring a legal action, though I know you would hate to do that. Being an executor isn't about who will travel in the event of a death. It's a big job and a massive pain in the neck. I really really hope my parents will name my sisters executor! It's not a job I want. But if I were choosing between two daughters, I wouldn't be choosing according to who is good at caring for me, who loves me, who can come in a crisis. Executor work isn't "crisis" work. It's months of irritating paperwork and perhaps he thinks she has more time or inclination for that type of work. I'm sorry. Family stuff is REALLY hard. I hear the hurt in your post and hope that maybe some of it can get healed. Please try not to look at this as "who does Dad love more" because I bet he loves you and your children more than words can say. Edited February 25, 2009 by Danestress Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexandra Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Between Bud and I we have lost 3 out of 4 parents. And I've seen this go well and I've seen it go ugly. My only advice to you is to decide right now that you are not going to fight. No matter what your sister does. This was your dad's choice, and unless he is mentally incapable of making such decisions, you should respect that. It's really not worth the salt shakers to go down that road. If there is something sentimental that you really love, you might mention to your dad that you would like to have that and perhaps he could add that to the will. Then smile and don't get caught up in it. Really. Nothing good will come of it except more ugliness between you and your sister when your dad is gone if you decide to make a case about it. And you might be surprised at how important your relationship with your sister will become then. I'm sorry you are hurt. But try to focus on the living and it will make it easier. ((((Tess)))) Well thought out by someone who has obviously BTDT. Alexandra Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 I'm sorry. Family stuff is REALLY hard. I hear the hurt in your post and hope that maybe some of it can get healed. Please try not to look at this as "who does Dad love more" because I bet he loves you and your children more than words can say. I think it hurts b/c at one point he wanted me to do this job for him. Trusted me to do what he wanted. And now, he's willing to pass this on to someone who has a track record of bad decisions/lack of responsibility. But I see the flip side from reading all the responses. He may be doing me a favor. And we have a vacation coming up with him and plan to enjoy him in his living state :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 Between Bud and I we have lost 3 out of 4 parents. And I've seen this go well and I've seen it go ugly. My only advice to you is to decide right now that you are not going to fight. No matter what your sister does. thank you. all the responses made me cry. I see another side of it. (why I love this board!) I won't fight. I will let her do the job he's chosen her for. and help if she asks. and be fine if she doesn't. I really appreciate your response. thank you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 [quote name=Amy loves Bud;808105. If there is something sentimental that you really love' date=' you might mention to your dad that you would like to have that and perhaps he could add that to the will. I would ask for it before hand. Even if it is in the will, you have to be willing to battle for it if the person won't hand it over. I coined the term financial incest: people who wouldn't do what they do to a family member to a stranger because a stranger would sue them. I thanked my stars for months my methodically honest brother was executor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
st_claire Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 No one in the will should be the exocutor. It's a huge conflict of interest. You should get a third party. A friend of the family if they are willing, or a paid lawyer if need be. If you expect a fight about certain items, have them named in the will directly. If you expect that your sister will take items not accounted for, then make a list of all the items to be split. Keep in mind though, that gifts given when alive are tax free, but post mortem are taxed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommylawyer Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 A previous post already mentioned it, but if (after your father's passing) your sister is taking things without abiding by your father's wishes, you can sue her for breach of her fiduciary duty. (As executor, your sister will have to do all that is within her power to maintain the integrity of the estate so it can be devised as your father's will sets forth.) If you feel she is not acting in accordance with his will, you can sue - but, of course, that will cost you money and emotions and possibly your sister. As for your father, he has done what he feels is best - even if it makes you unhappy and doesn't make a lot of sense, given what you've stated about the lives of you, your father, and your sister. If you feel as though your father is giving things to your sister, and if you feel as though there is something of particular sentimental value to you that you would like, it's probably best that you tactfully ask him for those items. However, if you want stuff just because your sister is getting stuff, don't do it. It's just not worth it. And on the "it's not worth it" vein, be kind to your father. Don't hold his lack of better judgment against him. Love him and care for him while he's still here and healthy - don't spend the rest of his life (and yours) agonizing over his error. Your father has made his decision, spent money to have a new will drafted - I find it very unlikely that he will be changing his will or adding codicils any time soon. That said, I do wish you the best of luck with your dad and your sister. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommylawyer Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 No one in the will should be the executor. It's a huge conflict of interest. You should get a third party. A friend of the family if they are willing, or a paid lawyer if need be. It may seem like a conflict of interests, but often, people drawing up a will are likely to most trust the same people who will be receiving under the will. I, as an attorney who drafts wills, do not like being named the executor unless the testator absolutely has no one whom they can trust. The only real conflict in will drafting is if it is obvious that an exclusive devisee (one person taking under the will) is taking advantage of an elderly or possibly incompetent person. Also, a witness to a will usually cannot be one taking under the will. Otherwise, being an executor and one taking under the will is not a conflict - because the executor has such a high duty of responsibility. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 It may seem like a conflict of interests, but often, people drawing up a will are likely to most trust the same people who will be receiving under the will. I, as an attorney who drafts wills, do not like being named the executor unless the testator absolutely has no one whom they can trust. The only real conflict in will drafting is if it is obvious that an exclusive devisee (one person taking under the will) is taking advantage of an elderly or possibly incompetent person. Also, a witness to a will usually cannot be one taking under the will. Otherwise, being an executor and one taking under the will is not a conflict - because the executor has such a high duty of responsibility. My brother is the sole heir, children's named guardian and executor of our wills. Our lawyer really raised a stink about this and seriously advised against it. IMO, if you trust someone enough to care for your children, then you should trust them enough to manage your will and money. Someone who would care for your children should care enough to provide for them regardless of money. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
st_claire Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 My brother is the sole heir, children's named guardian and executor of our wills. I'd say since he is the sole heir, it shouldn't be a problem. The problem arises when the stuff is to be divided. My parents wanted to make dh their exocutor, but we advised them against it. It wouldn't be fair to my sister. It's like going to small claims court and having the defendant also be the judge. The exocutor is supposed to be impartial, which I think would be near impossible to do if you were one of the contesting parties. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YJ in AL Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 You have received some very good advice. I am in the same exact boat as you are....I was once listed as the executor, then was bumped off and the responsibility given to a stepsister who has been known for her lying, meddling, etc. I have decided that I don't need anything but my memories of my dad. Anything else I happen to receive is only icing on the cake. Like Amy, I have seen way too many ugly battles over who gets what. It really could be a big blessing to you. Like you said, you can enjoy being with him now! :001_smile: :grouphug: Yvonne in AL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carolyn in Ohio Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Why on earth does he need your social security number? Is this required in your state? A will is a public document when it gets probated and the SS# will be out there for all to see. It is not necessary to have it to identify the particular "Bob Smith" that may be named in a will. He would need the SS info to make people beneficiaries on his IRA or other accounts, but NOT his will. I would definitely ask this question. Carolyn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 I believe he wanted the #s to set up college funds for the kiddos. But I will ask! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 I can only say, let it go. It's just THINGS when it all boils down. Yes, those things may hold value to you, but you have to be willing to let it go. Fighting these kinds of people is what they want (your sister), because they like the "rub your nose in it". I've found it easier to avoid and not care about estates. I'll build my own estate, if possible, and leave that to my kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 I want to put this out there...there is nothing really I WANT from my dad. Most of his furniture is stuff he bought with my step mom and I have no room for 'stuff'. my issues with this situation are that my sister MAY not do what is needed. she's not trustworthy, she's sneaky, and is very self centered(her words about herself) and IMHO will not abide by my father's wishes. Obviously at that point he won't be able to do a thing about it. I think he's making a mistake in asking her to do what needs to be done. I actually don't want anything. He smoked so there's nothing in his house I could bring here. :-( I was just hoping there was some way to warn him, but after reading the responses here I am letting it go and will just enjoy our time here together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy loves Bud Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 I want to put this out there...there is nothing really I WANT from my dad. Most of his furniture is stuff he bought with my step mom and I have no room for 'stuff'. my issues with this situation are that my sister MAY not do what is needed. she's not trustworthy, she's sneaky, and is very self centered(her words about herself) and IMHO will not abide by my father's wishes. Obviously at that point he won't be able to do a thing about it. I think he's making a mistake in asking her to do what needs to be done. I actually don't want anything. He smoked so there's nothing in his house I could bring here. :-( I was just hoping there was some way to warn him, but after reading the responses here I am letting it go and will just enjoy our time here together. (((((tess))))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 I want to put this out there...there is nothing really I WANT from my dad. Most of his furniture is stuff he bought with my step mom and I have no room for 'stuff'. my issues with this situation are that my sister MAY not do what is needed. she's not trustworthy, she's sneaky, and is very self centered(her words about herself) and IMHO will not abide by my father's wishes. Obviously at that point he won't be able to do a thing about it. I think he's making a mistake in asking her to do what needs to be done. I actually don't want anything. He smoked so there's nothing in his house I could bring here. :-( I was just hoping there was some way to warn him, but after reading the responses here I am letting it go and will just enjoy our time here together. Oh honey, please don't think that that is what I was saying. I'm just saying that in the end, it just boils down to things, thus it doesn't matter. Yes, it's frustrating knowing that the person you care about won't have their wishes honoured, but there is nothing you or they can do about it without a lot of cost, struggle, and pain. I'm glad you'll focus on the here and now with your dad though...that is what is most important :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in IL Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 I believe he wanted the #s to set up college funds for the kiddos. But I will ask! Be careful here - generation skipping tax. We told my MIL not to create anything like that. We have friends who had to pay mucho dinero when the grandparent set up funds to go directly to the grandkids. Mommylawyer may be able to give you more insight. Next time you are there (and your sis is too), start taking pictures of the inside of the house. Tell her you are going to make a scrapbook so you will be able to look at it years down the road and remember. Also so your kiddos remember. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 If it's a burden, tell your dad. Tell him once, exactly how you feel. After that, drop it. Honestly, being the executer is not something I would ever volunteer for. You get to see sides of family members you've never seen, it's not pretty. Dh and I call the executer, the scarecrow, because that's primarily what they do. They scatter the vultures (crows...), so the last will of the dead is honored. Again, not a pretty job. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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