Opinions from mothers welcome....

[Hillary in KS]

OK, let's make some assumptions here:

 

Scenario 1:

The woman had the most innocent and purest of intentions. She doesn't think your children are brats at all. But she read this book and thought you would enjoy it. She, being a book-giver, decides to bless you with a book she thought you might enjoy. She waited for you at church to be sure she saw you and didn't forget to give you the book before you left for home.

 

Result: You send her a "sweet" gentle note that unwittingly hurt her feelings and now there's tension between you.

 

 

 

Scenario 2:

The woman heard something you or your husband said in small-group and reminded her of this book. She's a book-giver, and so rather than recommend the title, she gifted you with an actual copy.

 

Result: You send her a "sweet" gentle note that unwittingly hurt her feelings and now there's tension between you.

 

 

Scenario 3:

The woman is a witch and thinks your kids are brats. She could just sit and talk with you, but she's too busy serving God to actually talk with you. Rather than silently suffer your children's presence each week, she goes out of her way to buy you a copy of a book that she thought would help you. (and her)

 

Result: You send her a "sweet" note that unwittingly hurt her feelings and now there's tension between you.

 

 

 

 

Whether you assume the best scenario or the worst, your actions caused the same result: hurt feelings on part of another.

 

For some reason you repeatedly imply that your family's manner of serving God is better than hers. However, God created the church body to work together to serve Him. Everyone is called to serve Him, but how you serve and I serve may be completely different. The eye does not do the same job as the foot, etc. The manner in which she serves God is irrelevant to the situation between you two.

 

Building relationships may be your gift, but you didn't appear to use that gift with this woman. Now there is a rift in your relationship, and it is up to you to go to this woman (not send another sweet note) and repair the relationship.

 

"Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift" (Matt. 5:23-24).

[Hillary in KS]

I know the awkward feeling. However...

 

You didn't send her a "thank you" note. You sent her a "Thanks, BUT" note. Big difference. Hence her reaction.

 

You may think you were careful in your words, but you lectured an older woman in the Body. In writing, no less. Do you really think she'd want to get together with you for coffee after receiving a note like that? When you wrote her that note, you were telling her the exact opposite of, "I would love to get to know you better and I'm all ears for words of wisdom." When she responded to you that she "is too busy working and serving for that type of relationship", she was probably trying to find a polite way of telling you that she doesn't want you to hurt her anymore.

 

 

 

I think you're letting your pride in your enlightened opinions about church, parenting, and programs (much of which I share, btw) get in the way of loving someone who isn't very lovely in your eyes.

 

 

 

And of course, SHE'S not careful about it, is she? What could you possibly learn from someone as legalistic as she appears to be?

 

 

 

 

 

So, let me get this straight. She's not much of a talker, probably never has been much of one, but her "love language" is giving things, especially books. You knew this about her, and you still felt attacked?

 

 

 

Your note exuded anything but warmth. It exuded, "Back off. Who are you to tell me what to do?!" You probably overestimate how much warmth you exude. Lots of warmth to people you click with, little or none to people you don't click with. (I'm guilty of this myself sometimes.)

 

 

 

Do you know how many times I've tried to hand something off to someone "when I see them at church", only to have the darn thing sit in my car or near my front door for three weeks? I'd be better off mailing it. Try doing that with a Pyrex casserole dish.

 

Did you ever consider that the reason the other women didn't get a book from her that day is because they've already received one from her?

 

 

 

And now she knows you're cold, prickly, AND phony.

 

It sounds like you haven't opened up your hearts to them at all. Why should they keep theirs open to you? They're not good enough for you anyway, with all your pure opinions about how to do church and raise kids.

 

One important lesson I've had to learn the hard way: Love other people more than you love being "right". I'm still learning how to do that.

 

The "she did it first" argument doesn't fly. You owe her an apology.

 

I know I probably sound harsh. But it IS in writing, after all.

 

Yes. What she said. :)

[JudoMom]

OK, let's make some assumptions here:

 

Scenario 1:

The woman had the most innocent and purest of intentions. She doesn't think your children are brats at all. But she read this book and thought you would enjoy it. She, being a book-giver, decides to bless you with a book she thought you might enjoy. She waited for you at church to be sure she saw you and didn't forget to give you the book before you left for home.

 

Result: You send her a "sweet" gentle note that unwittingly hurt her feelings and now there's tension between you.

 

 

 

Scenario 2:

The woman heard something you or your husband said in small-group and reminded her of this book. She's a book-giver, and so rather than recommend the title, she gifted you with an actual copy.

 

Result: You send her a "sweet" gentle note that unwittingly hurt her feelings and now there's tension between you.

 

 

Scenario 3:

The woman is a witch and thinks your kids are brats. She could just sit and talk with you, but she's too busy serving God to actually talk with you. Rather than silently suffer your children's presence each week, she goes out of her way to buy you a copy of a book that she thought would help you. (and her)

 

Result: You send her a "sweet" note that unwittingly hurt her feelings and now there's tension between you.

 

 

 

 

Whether you assume the best scenario or the worst, your actions caused the same result: hurt feelings on part of another.

 

For some reason you repeatedly imply that your family's manner of serving God is better than hers. However, God created the church body to work together to serve Him. Everyone is called to serve Him, but how you serve and I serve may be completely different. The eye does not do the same job as the foot, etc. The manner in which she serves God is irrelevant to the situation between you two.

 

Building relationships may be your gift, but you didn't appear to use that gift with this woman. Now there is a rift in your relationship, and it is up to you to go to this woman (not send another sweet note) and repair the relationship.

 

"Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift" (Matt. 5:23-24).

 

Exactly.

[Guest Katia]

Wow. Janna. :grouphug:

 

I only had one thought I wanted to interject here:

 

1) She gave you the book without explanation

 

2) You felt offended and let her know that you could take her offering the wrong way and you offered personal contact/friendship

 

3) She CHOSE to respond bitterly/negatively/hurtfully to you when in fact she could have chosen that opportunity to explain....set your mind at ease.....smooth things over and she rejected your offer of friendship.

 

The ball was in her court and she blew it.

 

Or not. Perhaps this was her way of letting you know she would just as soon you not be in her circle/group at all anymore.

 

Perhaps it's time for you to bow out of the group. You have taken your ministry to them; they have refused it; you shake the dust from your feet and move on per scripture. It happens. And I'm sorry. BTDT

 

I'm also sorry for many of the harsh words and opinions directed towards you that I have read here. I know this hurts you. More hugs. :grouphug:

[Niffercoo]

Wow. Janna. :grouphug:

 

I only had one thought I wanted to interject here:

 

1) She gave you the book without explanation

 

2) You felt offended and let her know that you could take her offering the wrong way and you offered personal contact/friendship

 

3) She CHOSE to respond bitterly/negatively/hurtfully to you when in fact she could have chosen that opportunity to explain....set your mind at ease.....smooth things over and she rejected your offer of friendship.

 

The ball was in her court and she blew it.

 

I'm also sorry for many of the harsh words and opinions directed towards you that I have read here. I know this hurts you. More hugs. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

[Stacy in NJ]

I agree with Niffercoo. It's overstepping to hand over a parenting book without comment. That being said, I think writing the offender a note instead of talking with her about it was not the best way of dealing with the situation. I am fairly comfortable with confrontation and would probably have asked her immediately why she was offering the book. I have found that people who want to control outcomes are frequently uncomfortable with confrontation. When something seems "off" to you, it is perfectly okay to just say or reflect that in conversation.

 

"Thanks for thinking of me, but why did you think this book would interest me?"

 

If this lady's way of trying to offer advice is to hand over an unsolicited book, she should be broken of the habit. It is a bit obnoxious, but how you go about pointing that out to her is important. A note seems a bit cowardly.

 

Sorry!

[Erica in PA]

Well, even though I wouldn't hand someone a book on parenting unasked, I have to say that I think the note was a mistake. If we have a problem with a brother or sister, we are to *go* to them and talk things out. When you were offended, the best thing to do would have been to go to her and explain your thoughts, ask for clarification, etc. So many things can be misunderstood in written communication. Plus it can be a way for us to just get what *we* want to out there, without having to also hear out the other side.

 

I would advise getting together with this woman, apologize for sending a note rather than talking to her earlier, and then discuss the book with her. I'd ask her, sincerely, if it appears that I have trouble with disciplining my children. If so, maybe she does have some insights that might help. If not, then you'll know what her true reasons were for giving you the book.

 

I think there are rarely situations where notes are better than face to face communication, especially in sticky situations. It's much harder to talk in person, but the outcome is usually better.

Edited February 10, 2009 by Erica in PA

[Hillary in KS]

Well, even though I wouldn't hand someone a book on parenting unasked, I have to say that I think the note was a mistake. If we have a problem with a brother or sister, we are to *go* to them and talk things out. When you were offended, the best thing to do would have been to go to her and explain your thoughts, ask for clarification, etc. So many things can be misunderstood in written communication. Plus it can be a way for us to just get what *we* want to out there, without having to also hear out the other side.

 

I would advise getting together with this woman, apologize for sending a note rather than talking to her earlier, and then discuss the book with her. I'd ask her, sincerely, if it appears that I have trouble with disciplining my children. If so, maybe she does have some insights that might help. If not, then you'll know what her true reasons were for giving you the book.

 

I think there are rarely situations where notes are better than face to face communication, especially in sticky situations. It's much harder to talk in person, but the outcome is usually better.

 

Nicely said!

[Ria]

I think the note was a mistake. I also think you should apologize.

 

Ria

[Guest janainaz]

Ladies,

 

 

Thank you for all your responses, even the harsh ones. :glare: I really am saying that nicely and just joking. I expected different perspectives and really am trying to figure out the right type of response that leads to peace.

 

 

Relationships are not my strong point. Especially with women. I don't have a lot of trust in this area and it's a real struggle for me. I'm trying to find balance between being a people pleaser and smiling when I need to tactfully express my heart with honesty. This was not a situation where I really felt that this is just a lady trying to help or just passing a book off. It was not a gift, it was from her own personal home library. She had given me a book to read when I first met her and told me that she wanted me to read it and that she wanted to get my opinion to see if it would be well-suited for another girl she knew that experienced a lot of similiar situations that I had. Initially when I had met her, I opened up to the group about my "life". Anyway, I made the assumption that this lady carefully considers the specific content of a book before giving it. That indicated to me that she gave me that book for a reason.

 

I am not beyond accepting help. I do, however, stand confident on the behavior of my kids. Not out of pride or arrogance, but my kids show the fruit of our family life and of the time my husband and I invest in them. Again, this is not to say they are perfect and this is not to say that I have the parenting thing down and that I could not use some help. I actually DO want to read the book and I believe whole-heartedly that I could gain some much needed wisdom from it. I'm not that arrogant. I wish very much that she would have offered a few words along with the book. All mothers need love and encouragement - it brings life. Judgement brings death. I accepted the book from her hands as a judgement - based on ALL the circumstances. Someone else could have handed it to me and I might have felt totally different and responded with a true "thank you!"

 

I do intend to write her another letter. I'm going on vacation and will not see her for a week or so. I don't want the situation to sit. She made very clear that she does not have time to meet face-to-face. I mentioned that had we had the CHANCE to have this type of foundation in our relationship, that her handing me a book would have been received with love. She came back and told me she does not have the time for those "types" of relationships because of her busy schedule (just to clarify). Even after considering the responses, I still believe that it was ok to let her know that offering another mother a parenting book without saying anything might hurt their feelings. This request for opinions has clearly justified that statement, in my opinion. There were different responses from different hearts. I don't see it as rude or wrong to point this out because this lady is in a discipleship/mentor ministry. There are a lot of women who WOULD smile, take the book and be hurt and our job as women is to lift each other up come along side with encouragement. Like two other ladies said, it really is like walking up to someone offering a listerine strip or a heavy person a diet manual.

 

I would like to ask of those that believe I was rude in my letter - how and when is it ok to let someone know you have been hurt by them? I'm just wondering how you all handle it when someone inadvertently hurts your feelings. Is it wrong to let them know? Is it wrong to politely give someone the truth about how their actions affected your heart and help them prevent hurting someone else? I would also wonder why this lady did not come back and respond more maturely by saying, "oh, I did not mean to hurt your feelings and I can understand why you may have perceived it that way....". I know for a fact that if I hurt someone and they let me know -wether it be by blasting me out of the water or by being honest and tactful, I would do whatever necessary to smooth that over and make things right. Her response was spiritually immature. She was harsh and cold despite the fact that I did make clear that I did not believe she did it on purpose and that I wanted to believe she had the best intentions. I did ask her why she thought of me and she did not respond. I did not blast her, I spoke the truth of my own heart and considered my words very carefully before sending that note. So, I'm really asking you all what is the right way to handle hurt feelings? Me not speaking up would damage any potential for a future relationship with this lady. I'm stumped here.

 

Lastly, my husband and I being in the group has not been about us trying to shove our church beliefs down their throats. It has actually been the opposite for 'some' of these people. There are couples and individuals that gravitate towards us and there are those that feel threatened. Ultimately, our desire has been to make more friends and we were hoping that being transparent in a Bible study would open the door to that even more. We are fine with them serving in the way they choose (we don't agree about serving and complaining about serving, but we say nothing). They are not ok with us serving in our way. There was a homeless outreach and we decided not to participate because we are helping our multiple sets of friends who don't have jobs so THEY don't end up homeless. This seems bothersome to a few in the group.

[Cheryl in NM]

Ladies,

Relationships are not my strong point. Especially with women. I don't have a lot of trust in this area and it's a real struggle for me. I'm trying to find balance between being a people pleaser and smiling when I need to tactfully express my heart with honesty.

 

I, also, have had this trouble in my life. I finally decided to take people at face value until faced with proof that they were being fake. I feel more at peace since I made this decision than I had in years.

 

This was not a situation where I really felt that this is just a lady trying to help or just passing a book off. It was not a gift, it was from her own personal home library. She had given me a book to read when I first met her and told me that she wanted me to read it and that she wanted to get my opinion to see if it would be well-suited for another girl she knew that experienced a lot of similiar situations that I had. Initially when I had met her, I opened up to the group about my "life". Anyway, I made the assumption that this lady carefully considers the specific content of a book before giving it. That indicated to me that she gave me that book for a reason.

 

This is information that would have been helpful when asking the advice of others. I still think, no matter what her intention your email was rude. I'll explain how and why later in my post.

 

I am not beyond accepting help. I do, however, stand confident on the behavior of my kids. Not out of pride or arrogance, but my kids show the fruit of our family life and of the time my husband and I invest in them. Again, this is not to say they are perfect and this is not to say that I have the parenting thing down and that I could not use some help. I actually DO want to read the book and I believe whole-heartedly that I could gain some much needed wisdom from it. I'm not that arrogant.

 

She might believe you actually need the book. Of course, even if she thinks your children are ill-behaved, that is just her opinion. Maybe she just needs time to get to know your family. You just seemed so defensive. Someone else mentioned the Mama Bear syndrome. I think that's where you were coming from. This part is particularly frustrating to me. You WANT to read the book so you either you think you would enjoy it or you think you could benefit from it. So....her choice in gifting you a book was accurate? Thoughtful?

 

I wish very much that she would have offered a few words along with the book. All mothers need love and encouragement - it brings life. Judgement brings death. I accepted the book from her hands as a judgement - based on ALL the circumstances. Someone else could have handed it to me and I might have felt totally different and responded with a true "thank you!"

 

<gently> Don't you see that you are judging her? :confused:

 

Maybe she just made a mistake in HOW she gave you the book. You jumped right in the middle of her instead of asking what she meant by it. You acknowledge that you have a problem with this lady so maybe you two just rub each other the wrong way.

 

I do intend to write her another letter. I'm going on vacation and will not see her for a week or so. I don't want the situation to sit. She made very clear that she does not have time to meet face-to-face.

 

Show up early for group or church. Call her to see if you could meet her a few minutes early. Tell her that you feel she misunderstood the tone of your email and in the interest of harmony you'd like to clear the air.

I mentioned that had we had the CHANCE to have this type of foundation in our relationship, that her handing me a book would have been received with love.

 

You schooled her. Imagine how you would have received the email you sent her. You were horribly offended she handed you a book that you wanted to read and admit you would have gladly accepted from anyone else.

 

She came back and told me she does not have the time for those "types" of relationships because of her busy schedule (just to clarify).

 

I don't know what to say here. Maybe just her hurt feelings speakings or maybe she's being judgemental. In either case, could you just overlook it in the interest of harmony?

[Cheryl in NM]

Even after considering the responses, I still believe that it was ok to let her know that offering another mother a parenting book without saying anything might hurt their feelings. This request for opinions has clearly justified that statement, in my opinion. There were different responses from different hearts. I don't see it as rude or wrong to point this out because this lady is in a discipleship/mentor ministry. There are a lot of women who WOULD smile, take the book and be hurt and our job as women is to lift each other up come along side with encouragement. Like two other ladies said, it really is like walking up to someone offering a listerine strip or a heavy person a diet manual.

 

It is not your job to tell this women how to fullfil her ministry in the church. She wouldn't hold that position if she was so terrible at it. I really don't think the above examples are quite on the same level as what happen here.

 

I would like to ask of those that believe I was rude in my letter - how and when is it ok to let someone know you have been hurt by them? I'm just wondering how you all handle it when someone inadvertently hurts your feelings. Is it wrong to let them know? Is it wrong to politely give someone the truth about how their actions affected your heart and help them prevent hurting someone else? I would also wonder why this lady did not come back and respond more maturely by saying, "oh, I did not mean to hurt your feelings and I can understand why you may have perceived it that way....". I know for a fact that if I hurt someone and they let me know -wether it be by blasting me out of the water or by being honest and tactful, I would do whatever necessary to smooth that over and make things right. Her response was spiritually immature. She was harsh and cold despite the fact that I did make clear that I did not believe she did it on purpose and that I wanted to believe she had the best intentions. I did ask her why she thought of me and she did not respond. I did not blast her, I spoke the truth of my own heart and considered my words very carefully before sending that note. So, I'm really asking you all what is the right way to handle hurt feelings? Me not speaking up would damage any potential for a future relationship with this lady. I'm stumped here.

 

First of all, your feelings are YOUR responsibility. No one can hurt your feelings without your permission. I think this situation would have been better handled in person and without all the innuendos. You said SOME mothers MIGHT have been upset. You were upset but were trying to play it off as if you were helping her. In another vein, you hurt her feelings and she let you know in her response to you, which you think is wrong. Do you see how this is a vicious cycle? I've recently just had this switch over in paradigm. Hurt feelings are not the same as physical hurt. With a physical hurt it is easy to measure and tell if it was a mistake. Hurt feelings, on the other hand, are difficult to deal with. We all have baggage so I might say something that hurts your feelings, but wouldn't hurt someone else's. Do you see how you could go your whole life trying to say the right thing but still end up hurting other's feelings? When someone says something that hurts my feelings the first thing I do is make space. I don't run away, I just become quiet and introspective. If I can physically leave them, I do because it's easier for me to think by myself than in the midst of others. Then I think about what I said or did before and leading up to their comment. I think about what I know of the person. I try to see if their comment might be reasonable or if I might have misconstrued it. Then I give it a little time. I don't ponder on it, I might spend a few minutes on the thinking above. Then I'd give it a few days. Sometimes I might still feel wronged, but I know that it's my baggage causing it. Sometimes, I'm not sure if I'm being too sensitive so I ask 1 other person (usually dh). If I determine that they were out of line then I think about what's been going on in their life. If they are horribly stressed I let it all go and count it up to Christian charity. By this time, I usually feel better and let the whole situation drop. If there is a caustic person in my life I make space. If I can cut them out of my life all together I do. Otherwise, I recognize their limitations and live my life around them knowing that others are doing the same for me. I know this response is very long and maybe convoluted. Please ask me any questions that you need to to understand where I'm coming from. Basically, a few years ago I started praying for God to help act with grace in all situations. I've done pretty well since then. The above techniques are what I've employed. The main idea is that MY feelings are just that my FEELINGS. They are no one else's responsibility.

 

Lastly, my husband and I being in the group has not been about us trying to shove our church beliefs down their throats. It has actually been the opposite for 'some' of these people. There are couples and individuals that gravitate towards us and there are those that feel threatened. Ultimately, our desire has been to make more friends and we were hoping that being transparent in a Bible study would open the door to that even more. We are fine with them serving in the way they choose (we don't agree about serving and complaining about serving, but we say nothing). They are not ok with us serving in our way. There was a homeless outreach and we decided not to participate because we are helping our multiple sets of friends who don't have jobs so THEY don't end up homeless. This seems bothersome to a few in the group.

 

It sounds like this believe is a point of contention between you and your new friends. Which is why I said it might not be a good match for your family, regardless of the situation regarding the book. I agree with the pp that your earlier posts sounded like you thought your way was better which is why I responded the way I did earlier. Somewhere in the bible it talks about giving to others but don't let your left hand see what your right hand is doing. Basically, I take that to mean that we should not take glory in our work for the Lord. Anyway, I hope I've cleared up where I'm coming from. I'm afraid my posts may have sounded harsh and I am truly sorry. You asked for opinions and I could find another way to say what I wanted to say.

[Erica in PA]

Jana, I really, really hope that you will reconsider sending this woman another letter. Please talk to her in person, and make amends. Even though she hurt you in giving you the book, you also hurt her with your letter. It would be gracious and good for you to apologize for that, even if she also did something wrong. It is *very* unlikely that your relationship will be restored through another letter, and that should be the goal here. It's not about who is right, or who is wrong. It's not about stating and restating your own case. More explanation is not needed-- humility, love, and openness is. If it were this other woman posting here, telling us about a woman at church who sent what she felt was a condemning letter andasking what she should do, I would be telling her the same thing! She also should talk to you in person, and forgiveness should take place on both sides. Since you're the one who is here, I'm talking to you. ;)

 

I do not think it is wrong to tell someone that you were hurt or offended by what they did-- though Proverbs does say that the wise man is able to overlook an offense-- but I think people need and deserve face to face contact when that is done, and the opportunity to have a back and forth conversation. Reconciliation is a two person process, and that can't take place very well in writing.

 

I would try my best to set a time to get together with her before your vacation. If you absolutely cannot, I would call her and tell her that you're sorry for the trouble you've been having, apologize for hurting her with the note, tell her that you care and that you want everything to be right between you again, and ask her if you can get together to talk when you get back from your trip. I honestly believe that it is a Christian's responsibility to seek reconciliation in this way, and I will pray for the two of you to be restored.

[Garga]

Well since you have been in a small group with her for a few months now, is it possible she thinks you're closer than you are?

I would have just assumed she read it, loved it and wanted to share it with another parent.

 

I agree.

 

As to how to deal with expressing your hurt feelings: it must be done face to face, never in a letter. And you must constantly keep it on how YOU feel. Not how others might feel, or what you thought the other party was feeling. You make it simple and straightforward, with maybe a little teeny bit of humor. Here's a possible script:

 

"I just had to talk to you, because something has been bugging me. When you gave me that book, you didn't say why. That made me wonder if you thought I was doing a bad job parenting my kids. That hurt. Why did you give me that book, after all?"

 

Then wait for the response. That's the important part. Say something concise and to the point and then ... wait. Do NOT start babbling or saying anything else. Not anything else. Just state how you felt and let them respond.

Edited February 11, 2009 by Garga

[sassenach]

It's a great book, you should read it. It's a great companion to Shepherding a Child's Heart. Perhaps she thought you would be interested in a solidly bible based, quick read?

 

You owe the giver a phone call, at the very least. It sounds like you over reacted based on your own insecurities. I also have to tell you, your posts come across as VERY judgmental. You seem to think and act on the belief that everyone around you is threatened by your family choices. I really think you are probably very wrong about that. If you're having a hard time meshing with these people, it could be because you are exuding judgement rather than warmth. Judgmental people tend to think that others are thinking of them the same way, hence your defensiveness.

 

I once had a lady who had been to our home 1 time, bring me a parenting book. She had no kids, but she brought it nicely wrapped on her second visit to our house. I thanked her for it and left it at that. I did have pause over her motivation, for a moment as I went over our kid's behavior that evening in my head, but then I moved on. After getting to know her better, I think she thought we needed it, lol. Somehow I survived enough to develop a friendship with her. I know that if I had shunned her gift, it would have dashed what God was doing in our developing relationship. I have never regretted taking the high road. For the record, it was a great book : )

 

If I were you, I would really spend some time thinking over how much energy you are spending on trying to figure out/evaluate what other people think of you. It may be a hinderance in your developing relationships.

[Guest janainaz]

It is not your job to tell this women how to fullfil her ministry in the church. She wouldn't hold that position if she was so terrible at it. I really don't think the above examples are quite on the same level as what happen here.

 

 

 

First of all, your feelings are YOUR responsibility. No one can hurt your feelings without your permission. I think this situation would have been better handled in person and without all the innuendos. You said SOME mothers MIGHT have been upset. You were upset but were trying to play it off as if you were helping her. In another vein, you hurt her feelings and she let you know in her response to you, which you think is wrong. Do you see how this is a vicious cycle? I've recently just had this switch over in paradigm. Hurt feelings are not the same as physical hurt. With a physical hurt it is easy to measure and tell if it was a mistake. Hurt feelings, on the other hand, are difficult to deal with. We all have baggage so I might say something that hurts your feelings, but wouldn't hurt someone else's. Do you see how you could go your whole life trying to say the right thing but still end up hurting other's feelings? When someone says something that hurts my feelings the first thing I do is make space. I don't run away, I just become quiet and introspective. If I can physically leave them, I do because it's easier for me to think by myself than in the midst of others. Then I think about what I said or did before and leading up to their comment. I think about what I know of the person. I try to see if their comment might be reasonable or if I might have misconstrued it. Then I give it a little time. I don't ponder on it, I might spend a few minutes on the thinking above. Then I'd give it a few days. Sometimes I might still feel wronged, but I know that it's my baggage causing it. Sometimes, I'm not sure if I'm being too sensitive so I ask 1 other person (usually dh). If I determine that they were out of line then I think about what's been going on in their life. If they are horribly stressed I let it all go and count it up to Christian charity. By this time, I usually feel better and let the whole situation drop. If there is a caustic person in my life I make space. If I can cut them out of my life all together I do. Otherwise, I recognize their limitations and live my life around them knowing that others are doing the same for me. I know this response is very long and maybe convoluted. Please ask me any questions that you need to to understand where I'm coming from. Basically, a few years ago I started praying for God to help act with grace in all situations. I've done pretty well since then. The above techniques are what I've employed. The main idea is that MY feelings are just that my FEELINGS. They are no one else's responsibility.

 

 

 

It sounds like this believe is a point of contention between you and your new friends. Which is why I said it might not be a good match for your family, regardless of the situation regarding the book. I agree with the pp that your earlier posts sounded like you thought your way was better which is why I responded the way I did earlier. Somewhere in the bible it talks about giving to others but don't let your left hand see what your right hand is doing. Basically, I take that to mean that we should not take glory in our work for the Lord. Anyway, I hope I've cleared up where I'm coming from. I'm afraid my posts may have sounded harsh and I am truly sorry. You asked for opinions and I could find another way to say what I wanted to say.

 

I appreciate your long and thought out response. I need to read it a few times to take it in because I see a lot that can be learned in your words. Not just your words, but others as well. I also like Julie in CA's response about just saying lovingly, "are you trying to tell me something" and then listening. It's hard to be open to advice or words from someone you don't really trust, someone you don't know if they even really like you. It takes a really big person to do that. I'm not sure I'm there yet, but I want to be.

 

It is true that when someone hurts your feelings, it's really about you. I don't think Jesus walked around having his feelings hurt. In most areas of my life, I have no issues extending grace and overlooking words, attitudes - whatever and whereever I go. My motto is always that you have no clue what is happening in someone else's life and you can't take other people personally. In fact, it's those people that need the warmth and understanding. I'm one of them, quite often. I'm very in touch with my own issues and typically sympathize with others. I said in an earlier post, this is a weakness in me and when it comes to my kids - I am a mama bear. Women, especially mother figures, are also a big weakness - there is much to that story that I'll just stop there. It's like a big, ugly, gaping wound and she walked up and poured salt on it. I've always been the peacemaker with all the women in my family and have eaten crow to keep the peace - time and time again. I'm not some poor, helpless victim, but I've had to overlook a lot of stuff. I do it because of what God overlooks in me.

 

Which, that very statement makes me realize that I probably needed to overlook the situation and given it more time. The light-bulb is going off.

 

As I write this I just realized why it upset me so much. I think in giving so much to my own mother and trying to be good enough, not getting her approval or even a chance to have her in my life causes me to see everything through tainted lenses. I know this, I have known this about myself, but I have not applied the thought to this particular situation. This lady handing me a book like that is received by me as disapproval and it reinforces what my heart is so afraid is true - it's the rejection/not good enough fear. I think this understanding will help me reconcile the situation.

 

Thanks to everyone.

[Guest janainaz]

 

Yes, you are correct. This is something I'm aware of and wish I had a quick fix for my problem. I imagine this thing called "life" is why God has me here - to help me learn to care more about how He see's me than others. It is far more frustrating to know these things and not be able to wave the magic wand and fix them overnight. I've got a lot of issues - thank God he sent Jesus for sick and not the well. I'm in the right place.

 

I'm glad you handled yourself so well in that situation.

[Cheryl in NM]

I appreciate your long and thought out response. I need to read it a few times to take it in because I see a lot that can be learned in your words. Not just your words, but others as well. I also like Julie in CA's response about just saying lovingly, "are you trying to tell me something" and then listening. It's hard to be open to advice or words from someone you don't really trust, someone you don't know if they even really like you. It takes a really big person to do that. I'm not sure I'm there yet, but I want to be.

 

It is true that when someone hurts your feelings, it's really about you. I don't think Jesus walked around having his feelings hurt. In most areas of my life, I have no issues extending grace and overlooking words, attitudes - whatever and whereever I go. My motto is always that you have no clue what is happening in someone else's life and you can't take other people personally. In fact, it's those people that need the warmth and understanding. I'm one of them, quite often. I'm very in touch with my own issues and typically sympathize with others. I said in an earlier post, this is a weakness in me and when it comes to my kids - I am a mama bear. Women, especially mother figures, are also a big weakness - there is much to that story that I'll just stop there. It's like a big, ugly, gaping wound and she walked up and poured salt on it. I've always been the peacemaker with all the women in my family and have eaten crow to keep the peace - time and time again. I'm not some poor, helpless victim, but I've had to overlook a lot of stuff. I do it because of what God overlooks in me.

 

Which, that very statement makes me realize that I probably needed to overlook the situation and given it more time. The light-bulb is going off.

 

As I write this I just realized why it upset me so much. I think in giving so much to my own mother and trying to be good enough, not getting her approval or even a chance to have her in my life causes me to see everything through tainted lenses. I know this, I have known this about myself, but I have not applied the thought to this particular situation. This lady handing me a book like that is received by me as disapproval and it reinforces what my heart is so afraid is true - it's the rejection/not good enough fear. I think this understanding will help me reconcile the situation.

 

Thanks to everyone.

 

Congratulations! What a process this has been! I've been feeling for you. I've seen so many of my demons in your situation, especially the more you've posted. I'm so glad you were able to work this all out!

 

I'm so proud of you! The process you've been through with the situation is difficult and it seems to rip open scars. It is necessary for healing though. Good luck to you!

[Guest janainaz]

Congratulations! What a process this has been! I've been feeling for you. I've seen so many of my demons in your situation, especially the more you've posted. I'm so glad you were able to work this all out!

 

I'm so proud of you! The process you've been through with the situation is difficult and it seems to rip open scars. It is necessary for healing though. Good luck to you!

 

Thanks!

 

:eek: Being me is exhausting.

[Remudamom]

oh man, I probably would have blurted out, "Why the %^$# are you giving me this??" or something equally lovely.

 

Shake it off.

[Anne Rittenhouse]

I'm sorry, no matter what the book giver's motives were, you were extremely rude with your thank your note. The note should have said.....

 

Dear so and so,

Thank you so much for the book, (insert title here). I appreciate you taking time to think of me.

 

That's all that's needed and no more. Her motivations, your motivations, her feelings and your feelings don't come into it. A thank you note for a gift, even an unappriciated gift, is short and sweet and contains nothing more than a sincere thank you.

Edited February 11, 2009 by Anne Rittenhouse

[Mamagistra]

God bless you, Jana. :grouphug:

 

While I don't happen to think that what you described (your note) was rude--certainly I believe that you did not intend it to be so--perhaps your openness here and your desire to do the right thing will bless others or turn their hearts in some way.

 

None of us is perfect, and it takes much courage to put oneself 'out there' for criticism. I commend your honesty in this thread and I do hope that you find peace with the situation.

[Cheryl in NM]

Funny thing...this was in my inbox this morning and typifies my change of paradigm better and with less words than I did in my earlier post. I thought of this thread so I just had to pass it on.

 

 

Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are Kind to each other,

when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give

each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is

accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings, having

patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse

to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we

might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another's

weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us.

CHARITY IS EXPECTING THE BEST OF EACH OTHER.

Marvin J. Ashton

[Retired]

I attended a church about 15 years ago that was very legalistic in their child rearing ideas, and their women's place in the church, and a whole lot of just plan legalism. They gave probability that book or a booklet regarding how to raise children similar to me. I was a young mom and followed some of their stuff for about 4 months, then got the heck out of dodge.

 

I have spanked, but guess what time out worked great for my kids.

 

I would guess that the book is something that the church recommends and gives to all new members or someone who has attended awhile.

[sassenach]

I attended a church about 15 years ago that was very legalistic in their child rearing ideas, and their women's place in the church, and a whole lot of just plan legalism. They gave probability that book or a booklet regarding how to raise children similar to me. I was a young mom and followed some of their stuff for about 4 months, then got the heck out of dodge.

 

I have spanked, but guess what time out worked great for my kids.

 

I would guess that the book is something that the church recommends and gives to all new members or someone who has attended awhile.

 

No, I think you are wrong about that. This is a fairly new book by Ginger Plowman. In the realm of parenting books it is VERY light weight. If she had been given To Train Up a Child, I would think of the action a lot differently. My knowledge of this particular book is why I think that the giver's motives were probably pure.

[sassenach]

 

Yes, you are correct. This is something I'm aware of and wish I had a quick fix for my problem. I imagine this thing called "life" is why God has me here - to help me learn to care more about how He see's me than others. It is far more frustrating to know these things and not be able to wave the magic wand and fix them overnight. I've got a lot of issues - thank God he sent Jesus for sick and not the well. I'm in the right place.

 

I'm glad you handled yourself so well in that situation.

 

I was pretty tough on you and that was just a super graceful response. I'm really praying that this all gets worked out Jana.

[Danestress]

I grinned when you said that your note was "sweet" - there is no really sweet way to say what you said - or at least it would always be sweeter to just not say it. That doesn't mean that it was wrong to say it either. I just think we women sometimes want something both ways - we want to be perceived as really sweet and loving and gentle, and we also want to speak the truth and stand up for ourselves. Sometimes there is no way to do both.

 

You wrote and told her that you think what she did was hurtful and inappropriate. Fair enough - I tend to agree with you. I just think you have to either release yourself from the desire to be perceived as especially nice in every situation, or else you have to not write that type of note.

 

I actually have a similar situation right now. I wrote another woman an email telling her honestly how an email she sent to me affected me. Mine was very short and basically just said that I didn't think it was apprpriate. She's clearly mad at me, and I have just had to let it go. If I really really needed her to think well of me and perceive me as a lovely, sweet, gentle spirit, I would be bothered. But I have made my peace with, in this situation, being honest and direct and letting the chips fall where they may. I really felt it hurt the whole church body when people send out "if you vote this way, you aren't a Christian" emails. So it was worth it to me.

 

In your situation, I definitely would not have written that note, though. It's just you who was hurt. If she were proposing handing that out to every mother who she thinks needs help with parenting, you might want to gently suggest that she rethink that. But in this case, it was just you. Sometimes people hurt our feelings in small ways. It's really NOT necessary to always say so. If she were your great friend and it was damaging a relationship you really cherish, that might be different. Since she's not someone you are close to, I would have just let it go. People hurt my feelings in little ways all the time. I don't think it's wise to always make a fuss about it.