On the go dh, making peace with hobbies, etc. (some CC)

[gamommy]

I'm struggling a bit lately with the fact that my dh is away from home so much. Honestly he did take on an extra position at work this spring, which I supported. Although it means very long days on twice each week it will be a huge blessing to our family financially.

 

He's also passionate about his hobbies though. When we lived up north it was hiking and climbing. Since we moved south several years back it's become mountain biking. I'm feeling frustrated with him for several reasons and I'm interested in hearing your thoughts and advice.

 

How do you deal with your husbands non-family interests? I feel burdened by the fact that he's working all week but then is often out on both Saturday and Sunday (after church though). As a SAH and homeschooling mom I'm with our wonderful girls all week. I feel sometimes like the weekend is just one and the same. It is partially the whole division of labor/childcare type issue, but also just that I miss him. The new work schedule I mentioned above just adds to that. OTOH, I know he's working really hard and perhaps is more than entitled to some extra leisure.

 

I wish that family participation was a more realistic option/compromise, but it honestly isn't. Dh takes his sports pretty seriously and the rough terrain he rides (plus the long distances) makes it impossible for the littles to come along. At home he reads extensively about biking and spends most of his computer time visiting related sites. He's now gotten into endurance racing and I'm anticipating even more time, energy, and funds being directed into that.

 

I admit that I don't relate to his level of commitment to this. I have lots of varied interests: I knit quite a bit, sew a little, and head to the gym a few times a week to run. None of these things take me out of the house for long though, and I wouldn't want them to. He has always gravitated towards things that are time consuming and difficult, IMO. I wish he would take a spin around the neighborhood on his bike, or head for a walk in the park. Instead he needs to go ride a metric century race or scale a challenging (and far away) peak.

 

I've shared my heart with him many times before over the years. He hears me out, but nothing changes. Logically, I know how much he loves and values me and our children, but it just doesn't feel that way sometimes. I've also taken this to the Lord in prayer, but I just can't seem to become at peace with it all.

 

I'd appreciate your thoughts, advice, and prayers.

 

ETA: I really need to make a sig. line! Dh and I have been married for almost 13 years, this is a chronic problem that gets better/worse in cycles. We have 4 dd's ages 12, 11, 7, and 21 mths. Dh is a p/s teacher and admistrator for the system's afterschool program.

Edited February 9, 2009 by gamommy
added information

[KidsHappen]

My dh travels for a living. He is home two days a week. He is the county coordinator for Campaign for Liberty, is joining the Masons, working on a musical play with a friend, and is involved in city politics. He is a busy, busy man. I am also a very busy woman with lots going on myself. We are just incredibly grateful for the time that we have together and try to make the best of it. And to tell you the truth, I think that we will stay married a lot longer this way. When he has two weeks working from home, I am ready for him to get back on the road. :tongue_smilie:

[Aggie]

I can sense your frustration, but I don't think I have a good idea of how long he is gone on the weekends....

 

Is he gone *all* day on Saturdays and all Sunday afternoons? Who takes care of the lawn? Does he help with bedtimes? Is the hobby making it financially difficult for your family?

 

On one hand, I would gently remind you that his passion was probably one of the things you appreciated about him before you got married.:001_smile: It's not now directed to the place you want it directed, though.

 

On the other hand, my stronger hand:001_smile:, I would hate it if dh was doing his hobby all day Sat and then on Sunday afternoon. I understand his need to be involved in something else, but there is balance.

 

Depending on how old your dc are, he is setting up the family dynamics now. If he's not home now for them, they will realize very soon that family isn't that important and they'll make weekend plans with others when they are able. That will be a sad day for him.

 

Also, if you have shared your heart with him and nothing has changed, he hasn't heard you, imo. And no matter how much time and money this hobby is taking up, if it is frustrating you, I think he needs to take that into consideration.

 

Just from your post, it doesn't sound like you're being unreasonable. I don't know how to get your dh to *hear* your frustration, though. Would he consider talking with your pastor or an elder in the church?

 

Wish I could help more.:grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

Lisa and Todd Beamer struggled with this. (Todd Beamer was one of the men killed on 9/11.) He was a salesman and a bit of a workaholic. Her book describes a frustrating cycle wherein they would argue, he would spend a little more time with the family, and then work would creep back in and essentially, nothing had changed. The cycle turned around when she gave him a questionnaire she devised asking him his goals and how much time (in actual days and hours) a good father should spend with his kids, etc. You should try to get your hands on the book to see her questionnaire--I thought it was excellent. The questionnaire was a good catalyst for her husband to set aside a specific number of hours and days of the week to spend with the kids and with his wife, and it also became the catalyst to help him make better decisions at work about when to travel or not, or for how long.

 

The bottom line--can you negotiate with your husband for a specific day/time or times that he can spend with your little ones? For example, can he agree that no matter what he will spend two hours one evening a week, and four hours on Saturday, with them? When you negotiate, make sure you specify things like having the time together BEFORE bedtime, or whether or not family meals count., etc. Be specific, and start with whatever he CAN agree to.

 

If, after say, a three-month trial, you feel more time is needed, renegotiate. Give it at least that couple months to work out the kinks and let him find his footing with the new system.

 

In the case of the Beamers, Todd seemed to need goals and he needed to be specific--trying to spend "more time together" was too nebulous. The demands of his job kept interfering despite his intentions otherwise. Once he had goals, that were time-specific, Lisa says it actually turned their marriage around.

 

HTH.

[Rosie_0801]

My dh is limited to one gaming session per week, plus about 4 weekends away per year. It could be that your hubby doesn't know how to relate to little kids, but he will never get the hang of it if he doesn't practice, huh? Is there a reason why he can't schedule family time for Sundays, other than not really wanting to? Picnics in interesting locations might not count as extreme sports, but he could view it as an opportunity to gently initiate the kids into his world, on a level they can handle. I hate it when my dh goes into bachelor boy mode. It sounds like it's time for you to lay down the law. Nobody with a family is entitled to that much recreation time. There really isn't enough time in the day for it.

 

Rosie- who also hates begging for attention

[gamommy]

Thanks for the replies so far, I edited the original post with some additonal information about our family. I really need to set up a post signature.:blush:

 

He tends to spend Saturday afternoons and Sunday afternoons biking. The gas money, bike repairs, etc. make me 'cringe' and we are on a tight budget, but we certainly don't go w/out things because of this hobby.

 

He's always been great with the kids when he is home. I used to work outside of the home and we divided things more equally. I became a SAHM in 2006 and began h/sing in 2007. Now it feels more unbalanced.

[LaxMom]

He's always been great with the kids when he is home. I used to work outside of the home and we divided things more equally. I became a SAHM in 2006 and began h/sing in 2007. Now it feels more unbalanced.

 

I have a similar circumstance, though my husband had expensive, time consuming hobbies when I worked. Since I've been home full time, without a job, (I used to work mostly from home full time, with time at client sites) he has given those up, but has taken on more work-related things - grad school, union president, teaching - and I totally understand where you're coming from. Our home life does seem unbalanced at times, and I just plain miss him when he's not home.

 

I can't say I have any earth-moving advice, but I do have lots of sympathy. :grouphug:

[classics4us]

No advice but wanted to give you a big hug:grouphug:

[Rhonda in TX]

He plays double bass with 2-3 area orchestras. They involve rehearsal once a week at night and Sunday afternoon performances - probably 15 from September - May. Weeks of performances have an extra rehearsal. He also organizes try-outs and contests for one of the groups, so that take more time. Then, of course, there's rehearsing at home in the evenings.

 

It irritates me at times (and it's not an inexpensive hobby), but DH has never stood in the way of the time that I want to spend in my hobbies. I used to spend more time away from home (hobbies and time with friends), but I feel this is his time now. (He didn't play for years - just started up again about 3 years ago.) He is happier when he plays, which makes him a better husband and father.

 

If you need time to yourself, you need to set up something and tell your DH your plans. "I'm going to go see a movie with Suzy on Friday night. Do you have any objection?" If you want time with him alone, get a sitter and make plans to go out, working around his schedule. If you want more time as a family, ask him to take one Saturday a month away from his hobby to spend with the family. Make a list of fun things you could do together and let him choose.

 

If these don't work, you might consider talking to a counselor or pastor. Sometimes a third party can help you communicate better than you can on your own.

[ElizabethB]

A couple of ideas:

 

My husband like to spend time on the computer looking a car websites. (We shopped 7 years before buying our last car, and have been looking for 6 or 7 for our next car! He loves going car shopping with people.)

 

But, he'll often surf with the children on his lap (or climbing on his head, as the 3 year old is apt to do with him--I don't appreciate or allow this personally, but it doesn't seem to bug my husband) and let them help pick out colors and make cars and watch car commercials with him.

 

Could you take all the children one weekend day with him and let the older ones bike a bit with him, then ride back to you and the 21 month old or the younger two depending on what your 7 year old can handle? How far is it to where he bikes?

 

Could the oldest 3 go to his class a couple of times a year? My dad taught school in a public school in a different district than the one we were in, and we got to go to school with him and sit in the back of his class quietly when we had days off that he didn't. Or, maybe all 5 of you could come in for special occasions when there is a party or something and you could bring some food and you and the older girls help out and help keep the 21 month old from destroying something or choking on something.

 

Or, could you all have lunch with him some days at his school?

 

My husband works long hours with his current job. If he's going to be especially late, I'll bring in food from home or get take out and we'll have dinner with him at his work.

 

Also, sometimes when he's working late, he'll "marker sit" the kids while I get to go grocery shopping childless (who knew that was a luxury!) ("Marker sitting" is when the kids draw on his large whiteboard while he works.) We probably owe his work about 20 white board markers from all the lids that were not fully put back on and the pens dried out. I try to make sure they're all the way on, but sometimes I forget or they look OK but really aren't.

[Danestress]

all girls in the family, father worked very hard, and then played golf both days of the weekend most weekends. My mother deeply resented it. I probably wouldn't have noticed it so much on my own. I don't think kids necessarily focus on how things could be. So my biggest piece of advice is not to let your children see your bitterness because if they spend an hour at night playing with Dad, they may well think he's the greatest Dad ever and have no clue that he's choosing to be consumed with hobbies that take him away form them. Let them think their father is perfect:) It is great he goes to church with you. My mother would have been content with that, but never got it.

 

I don't know what else to say, though. It sounds like you have been honest with him about your feelings, and I am not sure what else you can do. You can make specific requests ("Can you please not bike past 3:00 on Saturday because Katie has a soccer game and it would be great if you could watch it?") You might want to ask him to set a budget for expenses. I think I would try to not ask him to limit the biking as much as I would ask him to do specific other things - every once in a while. Rather than say, "You bike too much," for example, you might say, "I would love to take the girls to the zoo. Could we do that one weekened in March?"

 

I also think it might be good if you tried to budget something for yourself - either a sitter once week so you could get out, or if you aren't really an "out" person and you want to spend that time with the kids, housekeeping.

 

It's tough. I know my mother struggled for a long time with this. I knew I would never marry a golfer, and I didn't.

[Tap]

To me it sounds like you need times when you and the children are the only priority. You (and/or the kids) need to be top of the list, the only thing on the list. You want to feel like you get some of his quality time. The time when he is at his best, and not tired from a long day. Time when he is thoroughly engaged in you and your family.

 

It sounds like he is an active and exciting guy. Like he really likes to live hard and fast. Slowing down to a child's pace is hard for someone like this. I would encourage you to ask him to schedule time to include you (and the kids). Whether it is 1 hour a week or half a day on Sunday....whatever you feel you can start with and put it on the calendar. Try to look forward to whatever time you can arrange and be ready to fully engage him and kids at that time. Don't rush around doing laundry at the last minute or take time for something else. Plan a specific activity (and have a planned back up) and be ready to go at the time you set. Fully engage everyone for the scheduled time. Let dh know that you expect him to choose to prioritize the family during this time.

 

 

Dh does better when I remind him of time in a numbers way...

 

if he works 50hrs per week that equals 2600 hrs per year

play time 10 hrs per week equals 520 hrs per year

family time at 2 engaged hrs per week equals 104 hrs a year.

 

2600 + 520= 3120 hrs away vs 104 hrs engaged with family. That is the equivalent of what he spends at work in 2 weeks....in this scenario, that is all the family gets...for a year.

 

The one thing that people usually say the value the most, it often the one thing they also take the most for granted.

 

 

I hope you are able to figure it out, dh can be a work-a-holic. In fact he worked 60-70-80hr weeks this Dec/Jan (and I work 3 days too), so I have unfortunately been where you are in the past and we are currently trying to recover again. The problem with dh is that he enjoys his work, so to him spending the time isn't a bad thing....he enjoys it. I just have to remind him that we want him to be with us as a family, in an active role, not just a warm body behind the glow of a computer, or asleep on the couch. I think that dh hears us moving around the house, the kids laughing, me cooking etc, and even though he is engaged in work, he gets his 'fill' of us (in a good way) passively. He forgets that we don't get this from him, if he is just sitting in front of a computer doing work. He thinks that it is a two-way-street scenario, he can just be in the house and we 'feel' like he is here. But it doesn't work that way when the person isn't engaged in the situation. If their attention, or priority is on something else, it is really like they aren't there at all. That is why I made a emphasis up above in this post of 'engaged' in the activity.

Edited February 9, 2009 by Tap, tap, tap

[gamommy]

To me it sounds like you need times when you and the children are the only priority. You (and/or the kids) need to be top of the list, the only thing on the list. You want to feel like you get some of his quality time. The time when he is at his best, and not tired from a long day. Time when he is thoroughly engaged in you and your family.

 

quote]

 

This is exactly the problem. Thank you for stating it better than I could in my frustrated state yesterday.