Give me permission for dd to stop violin lessons

[Tiramisu]

Dd13 has been playing violin for five years and after all this time she plays very poorly. She rarely practices. I have to be on her case all the time, and it's wearing me down. I have so many other things to remember and to remind dh and the four dc's about that I just can't stay on top of it anymore.

 

On top of that, we have a hard time affording the lessons. Her grandmother pays for them. And, I agonize for months sometimes about whether or not to buy a book for what the price of a single lesson is. I'm questioning if it's worth it anymore.

 

As for dd, she's been saying for months that she wants to bury it in the backyard.

 

I thought this was my gift to her. An excellent musical education. I feel like I'm failing to just let it go.

 

Is it okay to say, "We're done."?

[apmom]

I don't have children that age yet, but I will tell you a story about myself. When I was 14, I had been taking ballet lessons for 8 years. I began to dread them, I started not caring about how well I was dancing...didn't get parts in the performances and felt like an outsider. My mother told me I could stop taking the lessons whenever I wanted. So, I stopped. Right then. I do not regret it at all. I was never going to be a prima ballerina. I had more time to put into my other interests and to spend with friends and family, my family had more money in the bank, and less driving to do. I love that I did the lessons, but I am not sorry that I stopped when I did.

[chiguirre]

Let it go! I was truly awful at piano and hated every minute of it. My mom still made me do it for 4 LONG years. I think she was concerned that it would be bad for my character to let me quit. It turned out fine, though. I was very active in yearbook, theater and Junior Achievement in highschool, music just wasn't my thing. I do enjoy listening to classical music, but I tend to avoid piano concertos, and I think my aversion is a reaction to all those years of hating piano lessons and practicing.

[*********]

I took violin for YEARS when I was young. I did it because my older sister also played. She was, and still is, wonderful at it. Me, not so much. If your dd gave it a real try, and it's just not her gifting, I say let it go.

[Donovans4]

My dd14 quit piano last November, and it was very hard for me. We had put so much time, energy, and money into lessons for 8 years, but she reached the point where she really didn't like it. I decided it wasn't a battle I wanted to fight. And, she spends time on her interests and hobbies that she really enjoys. Freeing up the practice and lesson time made her a more relaxed person. I still feel sad about it occasionally, but in the larger picture, it was the right choice.

 

Is there another instrument your dd might enjoy? That might be something to consider.

 

LauraD in MN

[Pamela H in Texas]

I believe that students should continue until it is possible they could be pretty good at it. That is usually 2-3 years for most things. I think that at 5 years, y'all have done your part and can close this chapter without regrets. She can always pick it back up later if she so chooses.

[Mari]

Music lessons are not optional in my house. Both of my children take piano lessons whether they like it or not. We outsource their lessons to another teacher. These are the ONLY music lessons they receive other than simply listening to different composers throughout the year. I want my children to be culturally aware of musical influences and also have the ability to not just understand theory but use it as well.

 

Where we differ is that both of my children so far are receptive to their lessons and are willing to practice everyday. We've scheduled their practice times during our school day so it makes it easier for them to know when to practice. But I don't think it's either one of their favorite things to do. My husband and I expect them to practice and give their best effort, though, and so far they have. When they don't, it becomes an issue of obedience. They are not allowed to do anything fun with their friends until they have practiced. Music lessons aren't cheap! Just think of all your mom has paid already. I do think there is an obligation to follow through for that reason also.

[Sahamamama]

I believe that students should continue until it is possible they could be pretty good at it. That is usually 2-3 years for most things. I think that at 5 years, y'all have done your part and can close this chapter without regrets. She can always pick it back up later if she so chooses.

 

:iagree:

[Tiramisu]

Thanks for all your feedback. It made me feel a bit better. I think I need to have a good talk with her about what she really wants to do so we're all clear about it.

 

I think some sort of music education is important, but I don't think there's much hope for violin especially since she's not really good at it. She has already asked about piano lessons. Hopefully, she would be able to apply what she's learned about music to another instrument if we decide to pursue that. Piano lessons are also cheaper.

[JenneinCA]

My daughter did piano for 2 and a half years. She was horribly stuck and could not get both hands playing at the same time. She cried at every practice. She was very unhappy.

 

We talked to the teacher. The teacher knew exactly what was going on and and together we decided that it was time to stop. My daughter has since started playing recorder and is doing well. Piano was just not her thing.

 

I don't regret having her try it. But I don't regret letting her stop either. For us, two years is long enough to try another instrument.

[buddhabelly]

I can't really say whether you should stop or not. It is not worth sacrificing the parent-child relationship. But one part of your post stood out to me: "She rarely practices." Forgive me, but in our house that is akin to saying, "She rarely completes her math lesson," or "she rarely picks up her grammar book." It's just not an option. It's on the schedule every day, just like Latin and Math. Would it help you to have a written schedule? We vary ours every day so his favorite things are first sometimes and sometimes they aren't.

 

It doesn't sound like she has a Suzuki teacher. Suzuki emphasizes love of the violin, the fact that EVERYONE can learn to play (just like every child learns to speak his native language) and it also emphasizes the parent as a practice partner. It also emphasizes finding something positive in the child's playing during every single practice. (Now, I'm not saying I follow the Suzuki method very well -- it just sounds like she is practicing all on her own and that you don't attend her lessons, so it must not be that method.)

 

Too much coffeeeeeeeeeee, sorry!

 

Julie

[CalicoKat]

Dd13 has been playing violin for five years and after all this time she plays very poorly. She rarely practices. I have to be on her case all the time, and it's wearing me down. I have so many other things to remember and to remind dh and the four dc's about that I just can't stay on top of it anymore.

 

On top of that, we have a hard time affording the lessons. Her grandmother pays for them. And, I agonize for months sometimes about whether or not to buy a book for what the price of a single lesson is. I'm questioning if it's worth it anymore.

 

As for dd, she's been saying for months that she wants to bury it in the backyard.

 

I thought this was my gift to her. An excellent musical education. I feel like I'm failing to just let it go.

 

Is it okay to say, "We're done."?

I never regretted stopping piano lessons when I was 7. My mother told me that I would some day. Still waiting for the regret and I'm nearly 40. :D

 

I wouldn't say anything, stop nagging, return the violin or pack it away while she's out. See how long it is before she brings it up.

[Mari]

I can't really say whether you should stop or not. It is not worth sacrificing the parent-child relationship. But one part of your post stood out to me: "She rarely practices." Forgive me, but in our house that is akin to saying, "She rarely completes her math lesson," or "she rarely picks up her grammar book." It's just not an option. It's on the schedule every day, just like Latin and Math. Would it help you to have a written schedule? We vary ours every day so his favorite things are first sometimes and sometimes they aren't.

 

It doesn't sound like she has a Suzuki teacher. Suzuki emphasizes love of the violin, the fact that EVERYONE can learn to play (just like every child learns to speak his native language) and it also emphasizes the parent as a practice partner. It also emphasizes finding something positive in the child's playing during every single practice. (Now, I'm not saying I follow the Suzuki method very well -- it just sounds like she is practicing all on her own and that you don't attend her lessons, so it must not be that method.)

 

Too much coffeeeeeeeeeee, sorry!

 

Julie

 

 

Yes, that's what I was trying to say in my earlier post. I also really believe it's important to follow through with something you began at someone else's expense also. Piano lessons might be cheaper, but what if she doesn't follow through with that either? Practicing needs to be consistent and mandatory or you just won't see the results, IMO. So it's really unfair to say she's not good at it if she hasn't really put forth the effort in practicing.

 

What about changing teachers to give her a fresh start with someone else?

[Tabrett]

I have a major in violin and I say let her switch instruments. Many times a kid who doesn't excel in violin will excel in cello or bass. I'm not quit sure why, but I have seen many kids switch and it was like a light came on. It's kind of like having all the base knowledge of an instrument, but getting to start over. You progress very rapidly and it gives kids confidence. I'd check to see if your dc would be interested in cello to bass before trying piano. She doesn't have the skill for piano like she would for cello.

Guitar would also be a good option for using the skill set she already has.

[yslek]

I've heard David Albert lecture and write about this very thing. His recommendation for this type of situation (particularly if it concerns a young teen) is to allow them to "graduate" from the activity in question rather than "quit".

 

For example, she could choose a couple of pieces she knows and practice those so she can play them well enough that she's comfortable performing them. Invite family, friends, the violin teacher, and celebrate the end of that chapter of her life in a meaningful way.

 

I agree with some of the pps, that if she doesn't want to continue after 5 years, it's time to let it go. I think if you celebrated the time she did spend playing the violin, it would be a way to let it go and build some wonderful memories & good feelings. JMHO :)

[Tiramisu]

It doesn't sound like she has a Suzuki teacher. Suzuki emphasizes love of the violin, the fact that EVERYONE can learn to play (just like every child learns to speak his native language) and it also emphasizes the parent as a practice partner. It also emphasizes finding something positive in the child's playing during every single practice. (Now, I'm not saying I follow the Suzuki method very well -- it just sounds like she is practicing all on her own and that you don't attend her lessons, so it must not be that method.)

 

 

Actually, she does have a Suzuki teacher. And, I encourage her to practice with the family. She enjoys when my husband plays with her.

 

I understand what Buddhabelly and Mari are saying. I don't disagree. But the reality is that if I had one or two children, I could and would sit with her for every practice. But, I have four, including a two year old, and dh is also out two nights a week so I feel like there's not enough time for me to keep on top of it all. I just forget to make sure the violin practice gets done every day. (Fortunately, that's not the case with school work, but I guess that reveals my own priorities.)

 

My plan was to have her continue through high school, but I'm seriously rethinking this because the lack of any interest or talent after 5 years.

 

I have a major in violin and I say let her switch instruments. Many times a kid who doesn't excel in violin will excel in cello or bass. I'm not quit sure why, but I have seen many kids switch and it was like a light came on. It's kind of like having all the base knowledge of an instrument, but getting to start over. You progress very rapidly and it gives kids confidence. I'd check to see if your dc would be interested in cello to bass before trying piano. She doesn't have the skill for piano like she would for cello.

Guitar would also be a good option for using the skill set she already has.

 

We have a piano and guitars in the house. I don't think I would move her to the cello unless she had an interest.

[dawn of ns]

She doesn't enjoy it enough to practice. She doesn't have any particular gift or desire at this time. The only reason I could see to keep her in it is some lesson in persistence but I'd have to wonder why you have to use music and the violin to drive home that lesson when there are so many other opportunities in life to learn it.

 

You certainly have my permission to let her stop.:)

[Garga]

Haven't read the other posts.

 

Read a book by a well-known homeschool person, but I can't remember his name at all: and he recommended letting kids stop stuff like violin lessons when they're ready.

 

His premise was that once a child turns 12 or so, they go through a sort of jump in maturity. And once they go through that jump, they start to let go of things they did when they were younger. He equates it to a scripture that says, "When I was a child, I spake as a child...but when I became a man, I put away childish things."

 

Each person (at 12 or so) starts to realize they are growing up and they start to want to put aside things that feel like something from their childhood. And often it's a hobby they used to love.

 

He warns that you can't really fight this. Let the child put away their childish thing. Maybe later they'll go back to it, maybe not...but it's all part of the maturing process.

 

I wish I could remember this guy's name. I didn't agree with everything he did (unschooling) but I loved a lot of his stuff. Does this sound familiar to anyone?

[Garga]

Just read the post with the guy's name! David Albert! Thank you!!!

[Ruthie]

Can you let her try a different instrument? I was set on piano for all my kids... didn't work out that way. Each plays a different instrument now and they are thriving. And I get my own chamber orchestra :).

 

Also, violin is a difficult instrument. One has to really want to in order to do well, I think.

 

Ruth

[Mari]

Actually, she does have a Suzuki teacher. And, I encourage her to practice with the family. She enjoys when my husband plays with her.

 

I understand what Buddhabelly and Mari are saying. I don't disagree. But the reality is that if I had one or two children, I could and would sit with her for every practice. But, I have four, including a two year old, and dh is also out two nights a week so I feel like there's not enough time for me to keep on top of it all. I just forget to make sure the violin practice gets done every day. (Fortunately, that's not the case with school work, but I guess that reveals my own priorities.)

 

My plan was to have her continue through high school, but I'm seriously rethinking this because the lack of any interest or talent after 5 years.

 

Well, I do have only two children but I only sit with my 5 year old since she just started lessons. Her lessons require parental involvement but my son's doesn't. I just make sure he sits down to do it. The fact that your schoolwork is prioritized tells me you have a plan for the day. But isn't music part of your daughter's education? Schedule it just like you would any other subject, that way there is no confusion about having to do it. It just doesn't sound to me like you (or she) has given it a fair shake without consistent practice.

 

Here's something to consider. I got this idea from our piano teacher when my son was overwhelmed with the amount of practice he was asked to do. She wanted him to give 4o minutes each day, which seemed a lot to an 8 year old. So we broke it in half with 20 minutes in the morning and 20 at night. The first session he was required to play whatever she wrote down for him to practice. The second session he could play whatever he wanted, which usually would turn out to be what he did in the first session because he was already comfortable with it. He really enjoyed the second session much more because he felt less pressure and he felt more in control of what to play. This might work for your daughter, especially if her dad plays some in the evenings with her.

 

It seems like it's all wearing you down because she's not happy. I encourage you to hang in there, and give her a chance to excel through practice. It could actually boost her self confidence in the end. I also encourage you again to change teachers if possible to give her a fresh start.

[Mari]

Read a book by a well-known homeschool person, but I can't remember his name at all: and he recommended letting kids stop stuff like violin lessons when they're ready.

 

His premise was that once a child turns 12 or so, they go through a sort of jump in maturity. And once they go through that jump, they start to let go of things they did when they were younger. He equates it to a scripture that says, "When I was a child, I spake as a child...but when I became a man, I put away childish things."

 

Each person (at 12 or so) starts to realize they are growing up and they start to want to put aside things that feel like something from their childhood. And often it's a hobby they used to love.

 

He warns that you can't really fight this. Let the child put away their childish thing. Maybe later they'll go back to it, maybe not...but it's all part of the maturing process.

 

 

Yes, but how do you know when they are ready if they haven't been giving their all through practice? This is just plain quitting. And how many times have you heard adults say they wished they had kept up with something they did as a child? It goes both ways.

Edited February 5, 2009 by Mari

[iquilt]

The violin is a particularly tough instrument unless you have a bit of a gift. It's so easy to mess up the tone, the notes, the bowing, etc. I started in 4th grade and continued on through college so a lot of years under my belt but I am not playing anymore. I never made it into a symphony although it did provide me with an excellent musical education (this was back when more schools offered music). If she doesn't enjoy it I would think it's time to let it go. Maybe she'll be interested again later or in a different instrument, but 5 years is a long time to do something you don't enjoy anymore. I'm sure she received a lot of benefit from her 5 years of study! I loved it and found great success, in fact playing in the orchestra is what allowed me to survive public school.