Melissa B Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Dh's boss's wife just passed away today. It was very sudden and unexpected. She wasn't feeling well this morning and died around lunch time. How does one show sympathy to a man who has lost his wife so suddenly (and has an elementary-aged daughter)? My dh doesn't think flowers and cards would do much for him if he were in the same situation. He and his boss aren't close in a chummy way, lots of differences in views. But he talks to him several times a day by phone and sees him at least once a week. He feels terrible about what happened, but we aren't sure how to support him at this time? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Just don't do what I've done and dither for so long over the perfect gesture that you don't do anything. Flowers and cards are better than doing nothing. Barb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Make some food, dishes that can be frozen and reheated later. Offer to do some housecleaning, maybe? Yard work? Run errands? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 One that says that you're very, very sorry, and praying (if that's your thing) for him and his family. Go the funeral--both DH and you. Probably the guy would rather die than cry at work, so it might be best not to talk about it unless he brings it up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alessandra Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Obviously, there is nothing you can say to make such a loss better. But a short (2-3 sentence) letter shows that you are thinking about them. In my experience, flowers are always appreciated. I would also make very sure to attend the funeral or service if there is one -- that will be remembered for a long time. I have friends who lost a child suddenly, and the fact that the church -- and the lawn outside - was standing room only meant a lot. One thing I often think of is the Jewish custom of sitting shiva. Visitors to the home of a bereaved person are not supposed to say anything. The reasoning is that you do not know what the person is thinking and it is courteous not to break his/her train of thought. That somehow resonates with me. I don't want to force someone to respond to some comment I've made. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 I agree w/ food. Household chores sounds good, but I'd be worried about intruding. Not that you should be--I think to some extent someone in mourning will need to be intruded upon. But when & by whom always eludes me, so I never have the courage to volunteer for that. Errands might be helpful. Right after my dad died, I had to order countertops at the hardware store (we were remodeling our house & had less than a mo. to move out of our il's). The lady at the counter said, "Oh my goodness! You look as if your dad just died!" And I broke down in the middle of Lowe's. So, you know, if you can save someone from the crazy check-out people at the grocery store, that might be good. In my case...actually, I'll never forget that sweet lady at Lowe's. It was so nice to have a stranger who wasn't enmeshed in my family's craziness to...just let me cry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa B Posted January 31, 2009 Author Share Posted January 31, 2009 Thanks for the advice! We will send a card and flowers in the morning. Is there anything that is suitable to take to the funeral itself? Neither dh nor his boss would be comfortable with dh showing up at his boss's door, even with the best of intentions. And we do not live close - about an hour away. Any offers to help in a personal way would be declined. (But, I suppose dh could offer, all the same.) Can baked goods be brought to the funeral and given (maybe to a relative) to pass on? Or would that be too tacky? With friends and family you just "know" what would be helpful and considerate. We don't really know any of his family and friends to even ask. Maybe just being at the funeral is enough for now? :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 I was gonna say, small portions of dinners. You could make one lasagna for him, and divide it into three of those little aluminum foil pans...Chicken Divan....(You just put on the top of the foil that you use to wrap it...what temp...and how long...) A few of the little pillsbury cookie rolls. A couple bags of those salad mixes. A sweet card that just says there are no words...But you're so sorry...An offer to pick up their daughter..if you know them that well...Practical...full of love...gifts... Carrie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 See whose helping out at the funeral and see if you can contribute food or something later. Often family is around for a week or so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aggie Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Thanks for the advice! We will send a card and flowers in the morning. Is there anything that is suitable to take to the funeral itself? Neither dh nor his boss would be comfortable with dh showing up at his boss's door, even with the best of intentions. And we do not live close - about an hour away. Any offers to help in a personal way would be declined. (But, I suppose dh could offer, all the same.) Can baked goods be brought to the funeral and given (maybe to a relative) to pass on? Or would that be too tacky? With friends and family you just "know" what would be helpful and considerate. We don't really know any of his family and friends to even ask. Maybe just being at the funeral is enough for now? :confused: I think you can take food and give it to a relative. That wouldn't be tacky, imo. One thing I've done when I didn't know what to do was send money. I don't know how appropriate that would be in your dh's position. Would other colleagues be willing/able to chip in for a donation? It depends on the boss, really, and if the money would help him at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EarleneW Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Send a gift card in the card for a restaurant. It would be hard to bring food if they live far. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jane in NC Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Thanks for the advice! We will send a card and flowers in the morning. Is there anything that is suitable to take to the funeral itself? Many people now request a charitable contribution in lieu of flowers. Sometimes when there is a young child, contributions to the child's college fund are accepted. (My son has a savings bond that was given to him by my husband's work colleagues when my father-in-law died.) Personally I prefer these options over flowers. One other idea regarding food: I don't know how his office is set up, but perhaps your husband could bring some baked goods to a departmental meeting. (Quiver's cinnamon rolls?) My husband works with several single guys who adore it when I bake something for the office. What a sad situation. Jane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Send a card. Make dinners and freeze them. Put them in foil dishes and tape the reheating intstructions to the top, or write them directly on the aluminum foil with a sharpie. Take a tray of deli meats, sliced cheeses, fruits, and veggies so they can just nibble without having to prepare anything while they are numb. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mooooom Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Some nice story books - or a stuffed animal- even if you don't know her at all. Maybe that would be more appropriate to do in a few weeks or so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CactusPair Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Flowers and a card are always appropriate. Maybe you could make a small charitable donation in the wife's memory to a cause the boss supports. Very sad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 Some nice story books - or a stuffed animal- even if you don't know her at all. Maybe that would be more appropriate to do in a few weeks or so. I think this is a wonderful idea. Poor baby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa B Posted February 2, 2009 Author Share Posted February 2, 2009 Thanks for the suggestions. My dh went to the funeral this afternoon. Unfortunately, I did not have enough time to find a sitter for Superbowl Sunday. He said most of the people from work were there and all of the employees plan to do something together. They want to wait a couple of weeks to let things settle. It is a large company, people were there from cities several hours away. I think they might put together a school fund for his daughter, or something along that line. I think that would be nice and very helpful to him. I agree it would be nice for us to do something more personal for his daughter as well. I'll talk to dh about that tomorrow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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