snickelfritz Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Background: We have Spanish speaking neighbors. They are learning English and the kids speak pretty well. The pre-k aged dd didn't get enrolled in time for pre-k. Our district does not have enough spots and people line up at midnight to get their kids in. So, she asked me (offered to pay and I declined) if I could help her a little. She comes over twice a week for 1-1 1/2 hours. Fits in nicely between my two kids. They enjoy it and I'm not really planning anything extra. It's stuff I want to do with my younger anyway. BUT They are late about half the time. If they are supposed to be here at 2, she might call at 2:05 and say it will be 2:10. They get here at 2:30. I don't really mind, except I usually have stuff planned afterwards. Today, she was supposed to be here at 11:30. It's 11:56 and no show, yet. We are planning to have her back and leave at 12:30 to have a picnic at the park before we have to be at a scheduled activity. I don't want to call every time. I don't think it's my job. But, how long does good manners dictate that I wait? I'd just as soon leave right now (26 minutes late) and spend more time at the park. At this point, if I call....I don't really have time to do anything if they do bring her over. But, I feel guilty about leaving. By the time I get replies, I'll have made a decision for this time. But, help me with guidelines for next time. Is 15 minutes appropriate? If she's not here, then go on with whatever we have planned to do? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 (edited) I'm not good at confrontation, but I think I'd try my hand at this one, because you're running into a cultural difference here. She could honestly and completely not have a clue that this bothers you. In her culture this wouldn't be an issue at all. (Sort of like, it's not an insult for us to see the bottom of someone's shoe, but in certain cultures, it's considered very rude. She might have no idea about Americans and their preoccupation with time.) I think I'd just explain to her that Americans are very picky about time. Tell her it's something that she'll see a lot of with Americans. Tell her that you make plans for after the lessons and when she's late, you can't do your plans and you feel disappointed. Then, don't say another word except to ask her what she thinks you guys could do to solve this problem. You're both adult women. You should be able to come up with a solution together. Edited January 22, 2009 by DustyLizard Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 I don't think it would be rude to leave early for your pre-activity lunch. You have plans. Maybe she is simply one of those people who is always running late or she just is viewing it as an informal get-together. I'm normally very punctual, but for informal play dates and the like there are times when I'm (or our friends are) running behind our target time and it's never a problem because it's an open-ended thing. Know what I mean? Obviously, if we were getting together for something and our friends had plans afterward, I would be more fastidious about arriving on time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 I would just explain the situation to her, especially the fact that it is causing you to miss things you have planned or are looking forward to. If she is from Mexico, they can be pretty relaxed about time. Heck, a lot of the world is more relaxed about time than we are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracey in TX Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 It is definitely a cultural issue. Our dear friends are from Italy and they were always late for everything. Boys were threatened to be expelled or parents fined due to the number of tardies (truly excessive! LOL). I did have to explain how our society is punctual as we have many obligations, back-to-back. She didn't agree with the lifestyle, but "when in Rome..." She is now almost on time, often. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elise1mds Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 I have to ditto the responses regarding cultural differences. I have a Puerto Rican friend with a daughter close to my daughter's age. We used to try to get together for lunch. If she fixed and I showed up 'on time,' she would be surprised at how 'early' I was. If I fixed, I knew to push for an earlier time than I really wanted and not even to begin fixing until that time anyway. We have had many good laughs about it, especially when her daughter enrolled in PK and she had to get her there on "American time." Sounds like it might be time for that talk, though I have no suggestions on how to bring it up. I'm not good with tactful conversations like that. Best of luck, and kudos to you for helping out. I think that's wonderful! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phathui5 Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 If I have something to go to, I would call her and let her know where we'll be and tell her that she can pick her daughter up there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mabelen Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Definitely a cultural thing, but anybody can adjust to the local expectations! In Spain we are OK time keeping for work related and official business, but when it comes to social relationships, we are overall very lax in that department. However, that doesn't mean I have not adapted to local customs. I certainly learned pretty quickly in the UK that 5 minutes is the absolute longest a person will wait for anybody (versus the 30 minutes late that is de rigueur in Spain)! I would just tell her clearly about US time keeping expectations. You will be helping her out in the long term. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomOfOneFunOne Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Cultural Differences? Maybe but our old nanny and current friend is *exactly* like that and not hispanic. She invariably calls 5-10 after she's supposed to be here or meet us, says she'll be there in another 15, arrives in another 30. For that reason we don't do much with her and when we do I schedule it knowing her time frame. If we need to be somewhere later I won't plan anything with her. If I just want to be home by a certain time or something,I schedule accordingly. Say, I would like our girls to play at the park from 2 - 4 and I need to be home to start dinner, et c. by 4.30, I'll tell her to meet us at 1. If I had a friend with "cultural differences" I'd just take it into account, schedule accordingly, and try not to hold it against her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy in the NH Woods Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 These posts remind me of the time my dh and I invited our friends (an Indian couple) for dinner, and they arrived well over an hour late. We thought they must have been in a car accident. When we asked if everything was okay after their eventual arrival, they just looked perplexed. Now I think back to all the times they had us over and how "early" we must have been. :001_smile: I'm a little embarrassed actually! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Can you change the time to be 30 minutes earlier and just let her play by herself if your not done with the other kids yet? Personally I would tell the mom, Because of our other commitments we will need to be starting class at 2:00 at the latest. Please, feel free to drop her off any time between 1:30-2:00 to play first, but if you are going to be past 2:00 we will skip the lesson for the day, and you don't need to call. If you know your not going to make it, then please call me so I know I have the afternoon off (the earlier the better) but you no longer need to call if she is coming between 1:30-2:00. This way you have a set time, but if she is busy she has a window of time to drop her off. If she calls and says " we are on our way and will be there at 2:05 then say...We won't have enough time to get everything done so lets cancel for the day, and I will see you next week." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
love2read Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I would tell her that I needed more flexibility and instead of setting up a time as you have done, she should call you when she is ready to walk out the door. You can then tell her if the time is convenient for you or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 This is also known as Indian time or Eskimo time---depending on where you live. My dh is Native American and his family runs on Indian time--esp. the extended family. If you have a potluck set to eat at 5, don't expect the people with food to get there until at least 5:30 with 6 or later being common (I learned to feed the toddlers before we went). My friend lived in an Alaskan Eskimo village for 15 years and is well versed in Eskimo time as well. That culture just isn't as tied to the strict time schedule that most us are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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