Okay... I'm kinda freaking out about 15 yo dd and a boy.

[LBC]

Dd met this boy, "R" at the youth group she goes to (Young Life). She's mentioned him a few times, and seemed to have a bit of a crush. I was relieved when it didn't seem to be going anywhere, since I'm just not mentally or emotionally prepared for her to be dating.

 

So, a bit of back-story to help you understand what happened today: Dd has been using our spare cell phone so that I can contact her when I need to pick her up from things. She gave her phone number to a few friends, and now they have started texting her. We didn't want a bunch of texting fees, so we added texting to the phone. I hadn't mentioned it to dd, because I still hadn't decided if I was okay with the whole texting thing. I've never parented a teen before, so everything is new.

 

So, fast forward to this afternoon. I had to pick up a book at the library, so I brought dd with me so that she could run in and I wouldn't need to park. Her phone made a funny noise, so she picked it up and said she had a text from "R". So, while I'm driving, I'm having to decide if I should let her know that her phone has texting. I decide to tell her, and she starts texting back and forth with "R" - this is all going on while I'm driving in some fairly serious winter conditions. Within a few minutes she's telling me that he wants to "hang out" with her over the holidays. She's about to tell him that she wants to, as well, when I say, "Hold on! Wait! I don't know how I feel about this! What does he mean when he says, "Hang out"?" So, I'm still driving on crazy, icy roads, and I'm trying to set some boundaries. I've been trying not to lay down dating rules, because I thought we'd approach it in a relational, deal with things as they come up sort of way. I didn't think they'd come up and need to be dealt with while I'm driving! Anyway, I told her to let him know that she wasn't allowed to hang out with people that her parents don't know, so he'd have to meet us. She texts him, and he says, "LOL, I guess we'll need to make that happen then." Okay, nice guy, but I'm really still thinking dd is too young. He's going to call her tomorrow, and I really don't know where to take it from here. Is it time to make the "no dating until you're 16" rule? I was really hoping for more of a courtship model for my dc, but that no longer seems to be what dd is comfortable with, and I really don't want to make courtship "mandatory".

 

Here's what I know about "R": He's in grade 10 at a local public school. He has a job at a grocery store. He goes to Young Life.

 

Here's a bit of info about dd: She just turned 15 last week. She looks 18. She's tall, attractive, and wears a 36D (yes, I'm talking about a booKshelf). Unlike some of you ladies out there who say your dd hasn't shown an interest in boys, my dd has. I wish she still thought boys were gross, but she doesn't think they're gross at all. She's also quite compliant, which is nice from a parenting perspective, but terrifies me from a dating perspective.

 

Here's a bit of info about me: I was a wild teenager. I did everything wrong. Drugs, alcohol, boys, blowing off school grades, disrespecting my parents, and so much more. I had no rules about dating. I was dating as early as age 12, and there was more than hand holding going on. :tongue_smilie:

 

I don't want my parenting to be a knee-jerk reaction to my own experiences. I want to be realistic. DD is so different from me already. I know she has a good head on her shoulders, but I also know how quickly emotions can cloud judgment at that age.

 

I need wisdom, perspective and objectivity. There's a part of me that wants somebody to give me a list of rules to follow, like 101 ways to make sure your kids don't screw up their lives, but I know that's not the answer.

 

Any advice, or just an encouraging, "Hey, I feel your pain", or "btdt" would be appreciated.

 

Lori

[Starr]

i was dating at 15 but I feel it's too young now. :) and unlimited texting means you never know what's going on. I would at least limit how late it goes on at night. There was another post about this earlier today. My dd is 14 and I can't (or can) imagine how dating would interfere with her life right now. I don't think it's about "good" kids or not.

[vettechmomof2]

I feel your pain.

 

What about meeting him at your house and having a "group" of their friends meet for games or a movie at your house. Completely supervised in your eyes but they are still able to "hang out" ?

 

My only thought right now. Everyone always asks me what I can going to do when my daughter reaches that age and I remind everyone that I have 2 very large dogs and a shot gun with some property.:lol: Seriously though. A friendship can be courting style and they can still "hang out".

 

Good luck,

Allene

[elegantlion]

(HUGS) what a situation. Are you willing to meet this guy and entertain them at your home?

 

No real advice my ds is 11.

 

I understand what you mean about the wild past. My dh and I both did a lot of thing we'd prefer ds never know. However, I hope not to color his relationship with the perspective of MY past, does that make sense.

 

I told someone the other day the good thing about having a wild past means you know all the tricks and it will be harder to allow dc to lie to you. :001_huh:

[SonshineLearner]

I'd say "No Texting" with boys until you're 18. I have a 16 year old and a 13 year old and I know that texting and for that matter im'ing with people can make you feel closer that you are...or should be. It's also basically totally unsupervised. That's my first thought. (and our rule for our two girls) I'd make sure her phone is charging in my room at night and make sure she understands the rule and why)

I'd also say no dating until you're at the point that you're looking for a prospective partner. I have WAY too many highschoolers that I see pass my house.

I saw something, I believe that it was secular based, that was talking about when teens have boy/girl friends when they are...well teens...that they mold their personality and character around the "partner." Because this is the time when you are developing and making such profound choices for your life, you should not be in dating type relationships. When you're older and already basically "set" that's a better time to be in a relationship...

Carrie:-)

[Parrothead]

Invite the young man to dinner with the family. While there explain to both of them that actual boy and girl alone dating isn't allowed until your dd is 16. That gives it a year. If he is serious and wants to go by the rule then he will have earned a bit of respect both from you and dd. In the mean time he is welcome to spend time with your dd at home, at church, at his parents house when his parents are home (they will probably want to get to know your dd, too.), and outings with the family. A trip to the zoo or a trip to the mall or a family movie night. That starts everything out following the courtship model.

 

Also explain that if and when boy and girl alone dating is allowed there is a 3 hour limit for the date. That is plenty of time to go to a movie and come home or go to dinner and a walk and come home.

 

If you are open with both the young man and your dd about expectations and responsibility they should be at least okay with your decision.

[Susan in TN]

Well, this is pretty last minute for you, and I understand your panic! I would simply start learning what you believe is a healthy relationship [from the Bible, other books (even on courtship)] and start talking about it with her. I had a strong, level head on my shoulders at that age, and while I wasn't "wild" I still was immature and foolish in many ways. Talk to her about what you and she believe is right and good, and the things that may stand in her way of doing what is right and good.

 

And also what Carrie said - electronics are a tool, not a means of having a relationship. I feel the same way here as I do about teen social drinking. It is often used to escape from having to deal with the awkward, social insecurity that teens feel when it comes to developing real relationships.

[LBC]

i was dating at 15 but I feel it's too young now. :) and unlimited texting means you never know what's going on. I would at least limit how late it goes on at night. There was another post about this earlier today. My dd is 14 and I can't (or can) imagine how dating would interfere with her life right now. I don't think it's about "good" kids or not.

 

The texting package we got for that phone is unlimited incoming, but only 30 outgoing texts. I told dd that if she goes over 30, she will lose the phone, so I think she'll be careful. She doesn't want to lose the phone.

 

I feel your pain.

 

What about meeting him at your house and having a "group" of their friends meet for games or a movie at your house. Completely supervised in your eyes but they are still able to "hang out" ?

 

 

I think this might be a good idea. I'd really like to try to keep things light, casual, and fun.

 

Invite the young man to dinner with the family.

 

 

I'm not sure about inviting him for dinner, since I think this would actually make things more serious than they are so far. I might consider something like that if this is still an issue in a month or two.

 

...explain to both of them that actual boy and girl alone dating isn't allowed until your dd is 16. That gives it a year. If he is serious and wants to go by the rule then he will have earned a bit of respect both from you and dd. In the mean time he is welcome to spend time with your dd at home, at church, at his parents house when his parents are home (they will probably want to get to know your dd, too.), and outings with the family. A trip to the zoo or a trip to the mall or a family movie night. That starts everything out following the courtship model.

 

Also explain that if and when boy and girl alone dating is allowed there is a 3 hour limit for the date. That is plenty of time to go to a movie and come home or go to dinner and a walk and come home.

 

If you are open with both the young man and your dd about expectations and responsibility they should be at least okay with your decision.

 

 

This sounds reasonable. I'm starting to breathe. I can do this.

 

I would simply start learning what you believe is a healthy relationship [from the Bible, other books (even on courtship)] and start talking about it with her.

 

We've been talking about the benefits of courtship for years, and she's been on the same page with me all along. She wears a ring on her ring finger to remind her of the choice she's made to wait until marriage for physical and emotional intimacy. But, she's been hinting lately that she may not want to wait until her twenties to "date".

 

I guess what I'm realizing through all of your posts is that this isn't the end. It doesn't have to be dating or courtship. It can be both. They can get to know each other in the context of family, and she can learn about what it means to get to know someone in a group setting without the pressure of one on one dating. She doesn't have to marry this guy for it to have a courtship standard attached, right?

 

Thanks for all the encouragement so far. I'm feeling a bit more relaxed about this.

Lori

[LBC]

Are you willing to meet this guy and entertain them at your home?

 

 

 

Well, he just phoned dd, and they had a chat. It looks like we'll host a get together with some of the kids from the Young Life group. We have a home theater, so the kids can come over for a movie night during the Christmas break. Dd is going to open the event up for whoever wants to come, so now "R" can come over, meet us, and then they can all hang out together - no pressure.

 

Thanks for the support. Changing diapers and picking up toys seems like a breeze right now compared with parenting teens!

 

Lori

[phathui5]

What kinds of dating guidelines have you talked about?

 

My kids are young, but I'm trying to get them on board with the time with family and chaperoned dates plan.

[Chris in VA]

Make sure they are supervised, as in, be in the same room most of the time, or within earshot, and make sure there's no lap sitting (I know, it sounds stupid, but it happens). My son is sexually active (not by my choice, that's for sure), and a lot of that happened at the movies, believe it or not. Not saying your dd will be in that position. But she may be surrounded by kids who go *almost* all the way. Young Life is a parachurch organization and many, many kids who participate are either new Christians or seekers, so don't expect a lot of knowledge of scripture or conservative values--could be, but not necessarily.

[LauraGB]

Well, he just phoned dd, and they had a chat. It looks like we'll host a get together with some of the kids from the Young Life group. We have a home theater, so the kids can come over for a movie night during the Christmas break. Dd is going to open the event up for whoever wants to come, so now "R" can come over, meet us, and then they can all hang out together - no pressure.

 

Thanks for the support. Changing diapers and picking up toys seems like a breeze right now compared with parenting teens!

 

Lori

 

Lori,

I think this sounds like a fantastic idea - you're not playing the crazy protective mom, but you are allowing her the freedom to feel as though she's got some freedom of her own :D. Being over-protective may end up getting you a daughter like I was (NOT what you want), and of course, being under-protective will get you the same. Nice work on your decision.

 

I'll be printing this off and pasting it to my palm for future reference...

 

PS...you are going to spy, aren't you??

[LBC]

What kinds of dating guidelines have you talked about?

 

My kids are young, but I'm trying to get them on board with the time with family and chaperoned dates plan.

 

Well, I read the Josh Harris books, I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl a while back. I've also heard some good teaching on the subject at the BC CHEC homeschool convention. We've talked more about philosophy than guidelines, although I have said that I really think she shouldn't even consider dating until she's 16. I guess I'm trying to walk the fine line between being supportive of her values (which would mean saying "no" when she isn't able to), and being supportive of her maturity, and allowing her to begin to participate in the decisions that effect her. Does that make sense? Have I answered your question?

 

Lori

[LBC]

PS...you are going to spy, aren't you??

 

I was trying to figure out how I could do that without embarrassing dd, when I realized that she has two brothers who have no problem with embarrassing her. I'm sure they'll be in and out of the theater constantly, and if there's anything weird going on, you can bet I'll hear about within seconds.:D

 

We're also going to invite the Young Life leaders, so they may be there, too. They're a really nice young couple, and took the time to come out to watch dd's synchronized swimming water show earlier this week.

 

Lori

[Peela]

Dd met this boy, "R" at the youth group she goes to (Young Life). She's mentioned him a few times, and seemed to have a bit of a crush. I was relieved when it didn't seem to be going anywhere, since I'm just not mentally or emotionally prepared for her to be dating.

 

So, a bit of back-story to help you understand what happened today: Dd has been using our spare cell phone so that I can contact her when I need to pick her up from things. She gave her phone number to a few friends, and now they have started texting her. We didn't want a bunch of texting fees, so we added texting to the phone. I hadn't mentioned it to dd, because I still hadn't decided if I was okay with the whole texting thing. I've never parented a teen before, so everything is new.

 

So, fast forward to this afternoon. I had to pick up a book at the library, so I brought dd with me so that she could run in and I wouldn't need to park. Her phone made a funny noise, so she picked it up and said she had a text from "R". So, while I'm driving, I'm having to decide if I should let her know that her phone has texting. I decide to tell her, and she starts texting back and forth with "R" - this is all going on while I'm driving in some fairly serious winter conditions. Within a few minutes she's telling me that he wants to "hang out" with her over the holidays. She's about to tell him that she wants to, as well, when I say, "Hold on! Wait! I don't know how I feel about this! What does he mean when he says, "Hang out"?" So, I'm still driving on crazy, icy roads, and I'm trying to set some boundaries. I've been trying not to lay down dating rules, because I thought we'd approach it in a relational, deal with things as they come up sort of way. I didn't think they'd come up and need to be dealt with while I'm driving! Anyway, I told her to let him know that she wasn't allowed to hang out with people that her parents don't know, so he'd have to meet us. She texts him, and he says, "LOL, I guess we'll need to make that happen then." Okay, nice guy, but I'm really still thinking dd is too young. He's going to call her tomorrow, and I really don't know where to take it from here. Is it time to make the "no dating until you're 16" rule? I was really hoping for more of a courtship model for my dc, but that no longer seems to be what dd is comfortable with, and I really don't want to make courtship "mandatory".

 

Here's what I know about "R": He's in grade 10 at a local public school. He has a job at a grocery store. He goes to Young Life.

 

Here's a bit of info about dd: She just turned 15 last week. She looks 18. She's tall, attractive, and wears a 36D (yes, I'm talking about a booKshelf). Unlike some of you ladies out there who say your dd hasn't shown an interest in boys, my dd has. I wish she still thought boys were gross, but she doesn't think they're gross at all. She's also quite compliant, which is nice from a parenting perspective, but terrifies me from a dating perspective.

 

Here's a bit of info about me: I was a wild teenager. I did everything wrong. Drugs, alcohol, boys, blowing off school grades, disrespecting my parents, and so much more. I had no rules about dating. I was dating as early as age 12, and there was more than hand holding going on. :tongue_smilie:

 

I don't want my parenting to be a knee-jerk reaction to my own experiences. I want to be realistic. DD is so different from me already. I know she has a good head on her shoulders, but I also know how quickly emotions can cloud judgment at that age.

 

I need wisdom, perspective and objectivity. There's a part of me that wants somebody to give me a list of rules to follow, like 101 ways to make sure your kids don't screw up their lives, but I know that's not the answer.

 

Any advice, or just an encouraging, "Hey, I feel your pain", or "btdt" would be appreciated.

 

Lori

 

I suggest to allow it with supervision and boundaries.

I recently went through this with my dd14. I felt she was too young but I don't have a no dating policy and I didn't want to make a bigger deal of it than it was. She went to the movies with this guy once (he is the same age as her, they met through Scouts)- dh and I dropped her off and met him briefly- and then it was literally an email and texting relationship for a few weeks, and it was just too hard for them to see each other so they stopped pretending anything was happening and dropped it. She has shown no interest in "dating" anyone else in particular and I feel she is satisfied she has "had a date" and now its no big deal. If I had stopped it, it would have become a big deal.

I dont think 15 is too young- I remember being 15. I too was wild and owuld not like my dd to follow in my footsteps. However, the best way to ensure that happens would be to forbid it and make a big deal about it. The way dh and I are handling it is to keep communicating, talking about boys and hormones, premature sexual activity, etc with a sense of humour but definitely keeping on talking. We will definitely set boundaries.

Will tell you in 10 years if I feel our approach was best. Have only just started this area of parenting. Not ready by any means- much easier when they were little!