When you know you've had the conversation before - WWYD?

[Carrie12345]

10 hours ago, sassenach said:

ETA: that’s not to say that this is some unheard of issue. I’ve even been guilty of it myself. But it IS worthy of being addressed. 

Exactly.
I am not a computer either. It is normal to loose some information. When I do, I tend to meet that with things like “Shoot. Did you tell me something about plans for tomorrow?” Or “I’m so sorry! I completely forgot!” And then I usually remind him to put things on the calendar.
If it’s something less about plans and more anecdotal, I might look completely wide eyed and just be like, “I remember absolutely nothing about that. Are you sure you told me?” And his answer is sometimes “Maybe I just thought I did.” If he swears he did, I apologize for my leaky brain.

He has never shown any negative feelings about me forgetting something, which is probably why he struggles too understand why I find it upsetting. He sees it almost like an isolated incident.  Like a kid spills milk. It happens, right?  But when a kid dumps their dang milk at every single meal, it’s no longer an incident; it’s an annoying routine/behavior that needs a solution or the person cleaning it up is going to lose their mind!!!

(FTR, I’m the ADHDer in this pairing.)

[Clemsondana]

13 hours ago, chocolate-chip chooky said:

Same. He doesn't deny it. He's just questioning why I feel the need to point it out. 

Everybody forgets things sometimes, especially during periods of being extremely busy or under stress.  But, I've also told my family at times that it's not reasonable to plan to outsource the annoying parts of life, like having to remember things, to me.  It's also not reasonable for them to expect me to deliver 'just in time' information to everybody about everything that they need to do all day.  I'll help them make a plan initially - Remember to do thing early since there's a dentist appt at 3' but after that they need to implement a plan, whether mine or theirs, based on knowing what I told them.  Anybody who remembers something should be helpful  - it's fine to say 'Shouldn't you be getting ready for practice?' or 'Remember that we're eating at 7' if they see somebody about to do something that might cause them to miss an activity.  But, it's not reasonable to have the expectation that I'm the family Alexa, and they need to set reminders, or make notes, or know that I'm going to act as if they know what I told them.  I may have used the phrasing that, even though I'm a mostly SAHM so I did sign up for doing a disproprotionate amount of driving and cooking and laundry, did they really think that it was reasonable that I not get too busy doing anything so that I was always available as an off-site brain?  🙂  

[Garga]

DIdn’t read all the replies because I’m supposed to be doing other things and not hanging out on social media, but after reading the first 10 or so replies:

My dh used to do this. It got worse and worse. He couldn’t remember what I said, and he didn’t even remember that we’d talked at all. So if I said, “We were in the kitchen and I had just dropped that pot and I said, “Blah blah””, he couldn’t even remember that we’d been in the kitchen at all with a dropped pot.

I had gone through first feeling very hurt that nothing I said mattered to him. Then angry that nothing I said mattered to him. Then scared that he might be going through early dementia in his 40s. 

He didn’t believe me about how bad it was and so I just shut down and didn’t talk to him pretty much ever. Not in a mean way, but because he simply didn’t remember anything I said, so it was pointless to talk.

Finally, it dawned on him that he was forgetting things at work. And one day, he fell asleep waiting for a light to turn green. It was then that he FINALLY took his snoring seriously and had a sleep test done. He had sleep apnea. He got a cpap and the memory issues went away within a couple of weeks. 
 

Now…he’s a man with ADHD, so he still misses things I say, but it’s a “normal” amount for a man with ADHD. (Sorry men with adhd, you guys are notorious for not hearing your wives.) It was back to an amount that was slightly irritating, but not deeply hurtful like it had been getting.
 

So, all I can say to you is see if it’s sleep issues. Sleep issues are very strongly related to memory issues and if he can’t even keep his short-term memories, he needs help. 

Edited July 3, 2022 by Garga

[Garga]

The reason you’re pointing it out (I just read the reply above mine), is that it’s not normal. Tell him that when someone close to you realizes something not normal is going on, they’re not telling you to shame you. They’re telling you to help you. 

Tell him that you’ve researched a bit and realized this could be related to sleep.  Ask him to get a sleep test because if this keeps up, he is headed to early Alzheimer's. The less sleep you get, the more likely you’ll have dementia/Alzheimer's when you’re older. It’s strongly linked.

[Garga]

Oh—And my dh would get upset when I would talk about it, but that’s because from his POV it wasn’t a big deal. He had NO idea how much he was doing it, because he couldn’t remember. To him, it was only a couple of times that he forgot, so why was I being so over-the-top about it?

The more I talked about it, the more hardened he got because he really felt like I was just picking on him for no good reason. From his POV, he was listening to me. But…he didn’t realize that he was immediately forgetting what I said the majority of the time (almost all of the time at the end.). So, all he knew is that he listened and then I still got mad, because he didn’t realize all the times he was forgetting.

You could try keeping track of it if you think he needs that bump to make him take it seriously as a possible medical issue. Maybe with actual figures he might understand why you keep mentioning it. My dh is the sort that wouldn’t do well if I presented him with a list of times, dates, incidents, but my dh has self-esteem issues and would have thought it was just me picking on him even more. He would have felt attacked, even though I was just trying to help him. 

Anyway, it took my dh realizing his coworkers were complaining, and falling asleep at a red light, for him to get scared enough on his own to take action.

Edited July 3, 2022 by Garga

[Longtime Lurker]

12 hours ago, stephanier.1765 said:

I wish this would work for us.. Just this week I texted dh that I was out with DIL and could he please feed the cats when he gets home. Later, when I found out that he didn't feed the cats, he said he didn't bother reading the whole message. He just read what popped up in notifications and thought I was just telling him I was out. I guess from this I learn to next time to put the important bits at the beginning. 🤦‍♀️

I have learned that, when texting DH, I can only include one piece of information per text. DH is brilliant but he is absolutely not a multi-tasker. This one-piece-of-info limit per text has made a huge difference! I think this is different than what you were referring to, but still relevant to the overall discussion.

[KungFuPanda]

20 hours ago, perky said:

Lol is it a man? I have found that unless dh is ready to hear something, I am wasting my breath. He must actively be interested in the info or needing the info almost immediately.

Ummm . . .I’m that person. I’m definitely NT, and it’s not a matter of respect. It’s just the way my brain works. It remembers the way it remembers. Audio is my least effective way to receive and retain information. Also, if I don’t need said information immediately, it can be hard to retain especially if my brain is actively working on another problem at the moment or the information was casually tossed in in a “oh by the way” manner in the middle of another conversation. It’s like you tossed me some balls but didn’t notice my hands were full or that yours got dropped. It’s invisible and there’s no malice at either end. 
 

I have a lot on my mind at any given time. I’m lucky that Dh doesn’t assume I’m just being rude. If it’s important he will write it down on our calendar or in an email or text. Sometimes we set Alexa reminders. I’ve become an organized person so I’m not relying on my memory all the time. 
 

Information that I have an immediate need for is reliably maintained. Information filed further back in the queue is more at-risk. My brain is actively working on multiple projects at the same time all the time. This enables me to be creative, get a lot done in a small amount of time, get a lot done overall, and be able to switch tasks quickly BUT I don’t always remember what everybody SAYS to me. I’d LIKE to, but I don’t. I do have the self-discipline to put systems in place to keep track of information but my family members have learned to properly “file” their requests so they don’t get lost. With work and in the world the organization is all on me because the world doesn’t care about how I operate. Luckily, family and friends DO care and don’t just say “don’t forget this event at this time at that place in two weeks” when I’m in no position to stop what I’m doing to record this information. 
 

If I were doing less in life, it would be less of an issue, but I have a lot of people actively requesting action from me so it’s not that simple. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

To me, the content of the conversation matters.  If it's logistical matters then I text or otherwise communicate in a manner that the person can see the information and can put it on the schedule.  If there is a shared schedule then I put it there.  People kept wondering why I wouldn't even know why my husband was suddenly going out of town (from my perspective).  It's because his casual mentions of an out of town meeting etc. didn't register a couple of months ahead of time when he was actually making the arrangements.  Now I try to catch those references and put them on my calendar so that I'm not surprised but he's also gotten better at seeing if I have the exact information needed to put on a calendar.  Otherwise it gets mentally categorized into "stuff I don't need to know RIGHT NOW". 

If it's emotional relational content then I will do it at a time when I have that person's full attention and when they know that this information is important to me.  I don't expect people to retain all my chatter about what I saw on my walk, but I would like them to pay attention to how I'm processing something like my mother's death or even a less fraught but still significant relational conversation.  I know that they are listening to me by how they respond and relate to me at that moment though so I'm sort of assuming that the OP's issue is what is in the first paragraph and not the second. 

Edited July 3, 2022 by Jean in Newcastle
forgot a word

[KungFuPanda]

20 hours ago, chocolate-chip chooky said:

Same. He doesn't deny it. He's just questioning why I feel the need to point it out. 

 

19 hours ago, chocolate-chip chooky said:

It is my first instinct, and it is exactly what I've been doing. The difference now is that he's calling me on it, so I'm trying to gauge if I'm being rude.

I would say possibly. The person knows they don’t remember the information and you know they don’t remember the information. Is it necessary to get that dig in because you’re frustrated at repeating yourself? Could you have restated the information in the time it took to point out the obvious? I’d dearly love to have a more perfect memory, but that’s not the hand I was dealt. If Dh took it as a personal insult or a reflection of his worth we’d be in trouble. If he started telling me I needed to see a neurologist or asked about dementia in the family that would just be mean for the sake of being mean. I’ve always had to work around a memory that’s less effective than his and there are no recent changes to warrant a medical exam. 
 

Maybe you’re a family that ‘needs’ an actual family meeting time on the schedule to plan things out?  That way everyone is in the right frame of mind to accept information and plan what to do with it. Is the information important enough for you to do more than just mention?  Saying what’s on your mind is a lot easier than remembering and recalling what was on someone else’s mind yesterday. Saying what’s on your mind is easier than assuming responsibility for an actionable task. Is the topic important enough to do more than just talk? Do you have the self-awareness to realize that what interests you might be less fascinating to other people without taking it personally? 
 

Without an example of the actual topic it’s really difficult to say either way. Nobody is going to take notes on an intimate topic whereas it’s absolutely appropriate for a scheduling issue or to-do list. I’d also want to know if the person who was upset about the forgetfulness also the person in the relationship with more free time on their hands. 

Edited July 3, 2022 by KungFuPanda

[Arcadia]

37 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

I would say possibly. The person knows they don’t remember the information and you know they don’t remember the information. Is it necessary to get that dig in because you’re frustrated at repeating yourself? Could you have restated the information in the time it took to point out the obvious?

I think OP feels disrespected when she said she felt unheard. While my husband do genuinely forget stuff, he can be disrespectful at times. Repeating the information won’t work for those times but giving the stink eye would. 

e.g. (putting groceries away yesterday)

me: leave the bag with scallions on the floor. 
DH: takes the scallions out of the bag and stacks them on any available countertop space he see leaving no space for anything

me: I need you to put the scallions back on the floor

DH just walks away to the bedroom even though he heard me. My teens heard the entire conversation and DS17 came to the kitchen to help me put the scallions back in the bag so that I have a small area to food prep. 

My in-laws have a very large kitchen with plenty of space for food prep. What we buy in a typical grocery trip could be dump on his parents counter top and take up less than a third of the available space. My kitchen has very little food prep space left, about the size of a cutting board area.
 

E.g. (grocery shopping) typical scenario 

me: fridge and  freezer are full, we can only get non-perishables

DH: sees cheese on sale at Grocery Outlet and want to buy a dozen

me: we have no space in the fridge 

DH: still grabbing the cheese

DS16: didn’t mommy say no space

DH in ignore mode and our teens glare at him. He did buy 2 or 3 instead because there must be somewhere in the fridge he can stuff them into.

e.g. (Paying bills, this one is not disrespectful)

DH: have we paid this month’s Target bill?

me: yes, last week

a few hours later

DH: have we paid Target bill

me: told you we paid

We go to Target together to pay the credit card bill and look see at the same time. I’m the one who keep track of bill payments. Its not his responsibility for keeping track and not weird that he would forget a few hours after paying. 

[chocolate-chip chooky]

2 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

 

I would say possibly. The person knows they don’t remember the information and you know they don’t remember the information. Is it necessary to get that dig in because you’re frustrated at repeating yourself? Could you have restated the information in the time it took to point out the obvious? I’d dearly love to have a more perfect memory, but that’s not the hand I was dealt. If Dh took it as a personal insult or a reflection of his worth we’d be in trouble. If he started telling me I needed to see a neurologist or asked about dementia in the family that would just be mean for the sake of being mean. I’ve always had to work around a memory that’s less effective than his and there are no recent changes to warrant a medical exam. 
 

Maybe you’re a family that ‘needs’ an actual family meeting time on the schedule to plan things out?  That way everyone is in the right frame of mind to accept information and plan what to do with it. Is the information important enough for you to do more than just mention?  Saying what’s on your mind is a lot easier than remembering and recalling what was on someone else’s mind yesterday. Saying what’s on your mind is easier than assuming responsibility for an actionable task. Is the topic important enough to do more than just talk? Do you have the self-awareness to realize that what interests you might be less fascinating to other people without taking it personally? 
 

Without an example of the actual topic it’s really difficult to say either way. Nobody is going to take notes on an intimate topic whereas it’s absolutely appropriate for a scheduling issue or to-do list. I’d also want to know if the person who was upset about the forgetfulness also the person in the relationship with more free time on their hands. 

The bold: But, I don't intend to 'get a dig in'. That implies negative intent. I intend no dig, no shame, no guilt etc. And I definitely do not do anything like sigh or roll my eyes or hrrmph etc. 

I just feel that he should know that he's missing a lot of info. I think he needs to know that this level of missing stuff isn't normal. Or even if it is normal, it's starting to effect us. 

 

 

[chocolate-chip chooky]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate you listening, and I appreciate your input.

You've given me plenty to think about and work with.

Thank you 🌻

[Clemsondana]

I do think that there is a range of reasons, topics, and frequency with this.  Spouse and I both have moments of one of us saying 'So this week we can...' and the other says 'No we can't - I'm out of town/am taking the kids to camp/company is coming' but when we mention it, the other has a vague recollection of it and just didn't remember the dates.  Or I'll say 'Remember, I need for you to pick up the kids on Wednesday' and spouse will say 'Oh, yeah, I'm glad that you reminded me - I had forgotten'.  Those aren't a problem at all - we both focus on the things that we are responsible for, and we routinely plan on how to divide and conquer and then sometimes need a reminder when we take on something outside of our usual activities.  Even for questions that don't matter, it's not a problem when the other person acknoweldeges that they're asking again - 'I forgot what time you said to be here for dinner' comes across differently than having the same person ask 'What time is dinner?' repeatedly and then not remembering - it feels more like they think it's my job to keep reminding them, rather than implying that I had already told them and they were...not inconveniencing, exactly, but maybe interrupting me again to ask.  I mean, it's no big deal to be interrupted and need to reply '6:30' except on the days when everybody is doing it and I give the same answer multiple times to each person over a 2 hour period.  

Sometimes, though, I think that my family uses asking questions or rambling at me a bit as a brain break rather than actually wanting to know something or have a conversation.  Like, they've been working hard and need to change focus and don't want to play a game or read for fun for 15 minutes, so they come chat with me but don't remember any of it because they're really just decompressing.  And, on one hand I'm happy to be able to help with that.  But, on the other hand, it's kind of insulting, with the implication that I"m not doing anything important that could be interrupted, and not saying anything important that needs to be remembered.  If I've been grading a stack of tests and I stop to explain that I'm making snacks to eat at 4 so that we can leave for the game at 4:30 and then I've got dinner in the crock pot to eat when we get home, and I interrupt my test grading to say that 5 times to 3 people over 2 hours and dont get my grading done...the fact that they aren't listening gets annoying.  And sometimes it's over more weighty things, like where to sign kid up for DE or whether and where to outsource a particular class, and having discussed it and then acted on the decision it can be annoying to be told 'So we need to figure out X' as if the previous discussion didn't happen.  We all have brain glitches and 'Oh, yeah' moments, but if it's recurring with the same person doing most of the forgetting, particularly if it's not happening in work/school contexts so it's not a generalized problem, it can be frustrating.