College child living with Grandma?

[historically accurate]

My oldest DD will be taking next year off of college. We only have 2 kid bedrooms (and 2 kids still in high school), so my MIL has offered to let DD live with her for the year. What things would you discuss ahead of time in order for this to be a good situation? Money? Cleanliness? Etc?  

DD may have full run of the basement (partially finished) that MIL never uses, but DD is having knee surgery in May (she'll be here living with us for the summer while recuperating), so she may be unable to navigate the stairs. She may end up in MIL's sewing room, which would be more of an imposition than having a guest in the basement. DD does not currently drive but is planning on getting her license as soon as her knee heals. So she could do errands for MIL as well.

Notes: MIL lives about 20-30 minutes away from us, so it could be that DD could come here for the day when MIL needs a break or something. MIL is in fairly good health, but she is in her mid-80s, so definitely slowing down.

[Soror]

I actually considered this for ds, while he went to local college to give him some freedom and her the company. But it didn't work out for him to go local so, that got nixed.

Dh lived at home until 23 when we got married so I had an idea of expectations but I've noticed our parents have different ideas than before so I didn't want to assume anything would be the same.

I think it would wildly vary depending on the parties involved. I would be talking about-

--curfews- does she expect one-

-how much info does she want to know about comings and goings- I think it is common courtesy to let others your living with know when you will home or not but she may have different thoughts as to what that means or may not care

-money- having her there will raise bills some-- electricity, food,water, trash, etc -- will internet be sufficient-- any streaming services she'd want there? -- but some grandmothers wouldn't think of charging. Others might really need or want it as they can't absorb the extra. I think it would be easiest to offer some set amount each month to help with any extra costs.

- how does granny feel about guests over friends or bf/gf's

-when does granny expect need quiet time-- my mil is a night owl and doesn't like early morning noise-- like don't call before 12 (another way ds would be a good companion as he is also a night owl)

-what kinds of things would granny like help with while she is there

 

[gardenmom5]

How well do they get a long?  how healthy is grandma?  (more significant than age.)

Will grandma be preparing her meals? - if yes, she needs to let her know ahead of time if she'll be home for dinner, and always let her know when she won't be.  that's polite to the person making your meals.  It would also be polite if she'd make some on days she has time.

having a customary time of when she'll come in- and let her know she's going to be late so she doesn't worry and stay up waiting.  (I was NOT a happy camper when at 2am 1dd still hadn't returned and let me know she wasn't broken down somewhere on the side of the road! - she was at work . . .)

make arrangements beforehand about what guests she's allowed to have over and when.  studying?  hanging out? 

[elegantlion]

After my dad died, my mom, me, and ds all moved in together. I now live elsewhere and ds lives with my mom. They've always been very compatible so it's a great arrangement. Some things to consider: 

• how much company will grandma expect dd to be? IOW, does grandma want the ability to pop into her room or basement anytime? When I was living with my mom, I found it hard to work there (I'm a student) because my mom wanted to talk at random points in the day. I started going to the library to work. Ds does the same thing to me too, lol. 
• expectation of bills. My mom lets ds pay minimal bills in exchange for him driving her places - she doesn't drive at all (she's in her 80s). 
• expectation of space - especially if they're sharing a kitchen or bathroom. 

Other things to think about. Since you said your dd is taking the year off, does grandma support/understand that? Will your dd be working at some point? IOW, will grandma think dd is being "lazy" at some point? A lot of it depends upon their relationship already, it may not be an issue. 

Another is general lifestyle expectations. For instance, my mom wasn't use to people who kept alcohol in the house. She was used to someone who stayed up into the wee hours of the morning (Ds and my dad). She wasn't used to NOT doing chores for everyone. For instance, she would fold ds' clothes if he didn't get them out of the dryer right away. She made the coffee every morning. 

It's been a very positive thing for us with just a few bumps along the way. 

[fairfarmhand]

I would recommend a regular recurring coffee date like every 4-6 weeks where they can discuss how things are working. This will help them both discuss issues when it’s not “in the moment” and reach good compromises.

[HS Mom in NC]

Explicitly stated expectations about things like:

waking hours
noisy hours
cleaning up
overnight guests
day guest visiting hours
notifications/assumptions about when they will won't be home, having regular meals, etc.
helping Granny out (driving, extra unexpected expenses, taking care when Granny is sick, cleaning in Granny's space if Granny isn't feeling well, errands, waiting for repair/delivery person, etc.)
possession/use of alcohol and legal marijuana (if applicable in that state)
laundry
saving money (Usually offer of living space is extended in order for the young adult to save money, so what happens if the young adult uses money that is supposed to be be saved for entertainment, stuff, travel, partying, etc. instead?)

[QueenCat]

I would make sure that your daughter will be treated like an adult and not a child. For example, adults don't have curfews. Instead, they respect each other by letting the other know around what time they'll be home & notify if they'll be later. They come in quietly. It's all about mutual respect.

[livetoread]

I lived with my grandparents for a bit while in grad school. It had its pluses, but the minuses won out. They lived a very conservative lifestyle, and I wanted to come and go as I pleased, especially without anything being reported back to my parents who were struggling hard with me not embracing the same values. They really did bend over backwards to try and accommodate me, but in the end it was best for all of us for me to move out. I was tired of feeling guilty, even though they weren't hassling me, and I'm sure they were tired of worrying about me. It can work, but it's tough during a time when many kids are wanting to spread their wings and establish who they are apart from family observing their every move.

[catz]

As a parent of a college student and a high school junior, my first concerns may be related to the reasons my student was taking a year off of college and how they were going to productively use that year.  Unless this was a very mature and motivated young person with an unusual reason for a year off of college, I might want them under my nose if they weren't working and paying rent somewhere.  Is she going to be working?  Job hunting?  Volunteering?  Working on physical or mental health?  I'd consider it if you both had excellent relationship with grandma and all had good communication skills when things came up.  If I had specific concerns, I might have a frank talk with grandma ahead of time.  

I agree your daughter should be treated like an adult, but she also should also be expected to act like adult with mutual respect going both ways.