Age when temper-tantrums/melt-downs stop...anyone??

[Alaska Mom]

My 6yo has been reliving some of her 3 yo days. We had a terrible time from age 3-4 with her. I feel like we must have not "worked out" the issues from those days, because they seem to be returning with a vengence. My current 3 yo (boy) has never had any problem with tantrums...he blows, does 2 minutes in his room and he's done. She's another story....her tantrums are dramatice, intense, scary and can go on for a LONG time. Is this just "normal" or is there an unresolved issue from her 3 yo days? I'm fearing my dd going into adult therapy someday with "mom issues" because I'm not figuring this out.....help!

[Tree House Academy]

My 5 y/o just started having 3 y/o tantrums as of late. He never went through it at 3...guess he is making up for it now. :(

 

When they get older (9, for instance, LOL) they just pout and slam their bedroom door. A little better, but the "mad face" really gets my goat.

[beansprouts]

I am still working on it at 35...

[beansprouts]

My 5 y/o just started having 3 y/o tantrums as of late. He never went through it at 3...guess he is making up for it now. :(

 

When they get older (9, for instance, LOL) they just pout and slam their bedroom door. A little better, but the "mad face" really gets my goat.

 

 

But the "mad face" is SO cute!!!

 

[swellmomma]

My 10 year old had 2 major meltdown tantrums today including 1 where he picked up his desk and threw it. From what I can see they sometimes never stop. That said she is likely not going to need therapy because she is having tantrums, Some kids are jsut more intense and feel the world more intensly leading to more tantrums as they figure out their place in this big world. Just keep loving her and don't worry about therapy bills down the road.

[Parrothead]

Do you give her attention while she is throwing the long, dramatic tantrums? Dd tried to do that once just a year or so ago. I guess she was trying to see if the rule was the same at 7/8 as it was at 2.5. When she calmed down I told her that she owed me XXX amount of money from her piggy bank because she disturbed 30 minutes of my time by having a fit. I then took the money from her bank. There isn't much my dd likes more than her own money. I haven't had a dramatic fit since.

 

If you want to try it, you'll have to find what she wants more than her way, then take it from her. Let her know each time she throws a fit she will loose more of her stuff.

 

ETA: I will put up with a lot before dd gets in trouble. One thing I've never held with is temper tantrums. IMHO there is never a time or place for one as an adult or a child. Learning early how to control temper is a biggiie to me.

Edited December 9, 2008 by Parrothead

[Lovedtodeath]

At this age she could be cutting teeth, so you might want to check for that. Also pay attention to how much sleep she has had, how much water, and what kind of food.

 

I am 32 and I still have tantrums. I need regular Bible study and prayer, tapping (see below) Vitamin supplements, plenty of water and protein, and Fish Oil. All of these things could probably help kids too.

 

My DD seems to think that if she does not have a blow up then I don't get how angry she is. It can help to listen to the reason for it and to tell her that you know why. You thought that we were getting icecream because Dad was with us? Now you are really dissapointed and you feel like you were tricked? Lots of emotion in your voice while talking to her helps so that she knows that you get it.

 

www.tapping.com is something to try with her. You can teach her how to do it, tap on her yourself, or tap on yourself to keep calm while dealing with her. I have a lot of more information on this with kids if you are interested, some is here http://www.emofree.com/Children/forparents.htm

 

Off to read your other post.

Edited December 9, 2008 by Lovedtodeath

[dirty ethel rackham]

I a 45 and I am still working on it:).

[Alaska Mom]

Do you give her attention while she is throwing the long, dramatic tantrums? Dd tried to do that once just a year or so ago. I guess she was trying to see if the rule was the same at 7/8 as it was at 2.5. When she calmed down I told her that she owed me XXX amount of money from her piggy bank because she disturbed 30 minutes of my time by having a fit. I then took the money from her bank. There isn't much my dd likes more than her own money. I haven't had a dramatic fit since.

 

If you want to try it, you'll have to find what she wants more than her way, then take it from her. Let her know each time she throws a fit she will loose more of her stuff.

 

ETA: I will put up with a lot before dd gets in trouble. One thing I've never held with is temper tantrums. IMHO there is never a time or place for one as an adult or a child. Learning early how to control temper is a biggiie to me.

 

Thanks for the reply (and to everyone else).

 

Yes, I do give her attention, but I don't know how not to when they are so intense (pounding the floor, jumping and landing on her knees, etc). Here's the typical scenario, although it's not frequent, the scenario is always the same):

 

Dd is getting dressed and something is not "just right", she can't find socks she likes, or her pants are too loose in the waist, etc. She starts to blow, I come in to help, she gets completely flustered, I try to calm her, hug her... no improvement and she can't talk (only whimpers and looks at me like she's tramatized). I leave the room tell her to come out/I'll come back when she can "talk to me" and tell me what the problem is. I leave. She starts pounding the floor and crying loudly. I wait 5-10 minutes, go back in and try it again. When she was 3 she could go on for 1-2 hours. I'd often go stand outside to avoid going in. Today I went and sat in the car with my 3yo. Went back in, still crying, still pounding......I went in....yelled at her to stop because I was so frustrated (I hate yelling).....took her to the car crying, she finally stopped as we are driving down the road in complete silence.

 

I hate this. I don't know how to "let it run it's course". How long is too long to leave her in her room? Is her room the right place for her? Is the "tramatized" look she gives me just an act for attention? She's very bright and mature beyond her years, and I think part of the problem is I've always given her responsibilities that may not have been age appropriate, and she wasn't ready for. I feel like she's screaming out for me and I don't know what to do. Or am I just overthinking all of this and it's completely "normal"? Thanks.

[EKS]

Let's see... I have a 12 yo who has meltdowns on a fairly regular basis. He has some challenges (ADD being one of them) that may have something to do with it. Or maybe not...

[Goldilocks]

Sounds a lot like my 6 yo dd. I have talked with a few other moms and think that it could be normal. My dd is also aggressive, vengeful, and can say some very hateful things when angry. Added all together I am beginning to think it is *not* normal. But just the tantrums--maybe normal --especially if they went away and are now coming back.

[Mandamom]

My older dd is like this and has been since she was 12 months old.

 

<<<<<Dd is getting dressed and something is not "just right", she can't find socks she likes, or her pants are too loose in the waist, etc. She starts to blow, I come in to help, she gets completely flustered, I try to calm her, hug her... no improvement and she can't talk (only whimpers and looks at me like she's tramatized). I leave the room tell her to come out/I'll come back when she can "talk to me" and tell me what the problem is.>>>

 

When my daughter is in that mood I don't get involved at all because once she starts losing it, my involvement will automatically make it a reason to totally meltdown (she's 8 by the way).

 

>>>>> She starts pounding the floor and crying loudly. I wait 5-10 minutes, go back in and try it again. When she was 3 she could go on for 1-2 hours. I'd often go stand outside to avoid going in. Today I went and sat in the car with my 3yo. Went back in, still crying, still pounding......I went in....yelled at her to stop because I was so frustrated (I hate yelling).....took her to the car crying, she finally stopped as we are driving down the road in complete silence.>>>>

 

When this dd was 2 -5 I would end up leaving her in her room screaming and whatnot for 1-2 hours if not longer before she was calmed enough to be civil. If I tried to involve myself before she was calm it would get worse so I decided that letting her go in a safe place worked for both of us. Luckily we only ended up with one hole in the door from her kicking :)

 

Since we had years of yelling and screaming for hours at a time she's now down to about 45 minutes and she really only loses it about 1-2 times per month now which was better than the 3-5 times per week -- worse before we discovered she was sensitive/allergic to food dyes which triggered meltdown -- that we were dealing with at younger ages.

 

I don't know where you were going but I have been known to cancel activities due to meltdowns. Sometimes if they haven't lost it completely knowing that a favorite activity was coming up was enough to change the behavior at which point I would let them go -- as long as the meltdown wasn't about the activity itself.

 

Whether or not it is normal for everyone I don't know but it is normal for my 8 year old and my now 13 year old went through it when he was similar ages although his weren't quite intense.

 

I don't think there is "too long" unless there is a safety/health issue. Obviously you'll have to decide for your family but for us this strategy has worked pretty well.

 

Good luck figuring this out. I tend to be very laid back in personality so keep that in mind.

[lionfamily1999]

Thanks for the reply (and to everyone else).

 

Yes, I do give her attention, but I don't know how not to when they are so intense (pounding the floor, jumping and landing on her knees, etc). Here's the typical scenario, although it's not frequent, the scenario is always the same):

 

Dd is getting dressed and something is not "just right", she can't find socks she likes, or her pants are too loose in the waist, etc. She starts to blow, I come in to help, she gets completely flustered, I try to calm her, hug her... no improvement and she can't talk (only whimpers and looks at me like she's tramatized). I leave the room tell her to come out/I'll come back when she can "talk to me" and tell me what the problem is. I leave. She starts pounding the floor and crying loudly. I wait 5-10 minutes, go back in and try it again. When she was 3 she could go on for 1-2 hours. I'd often go stand outside to avoid going in. Today I went and sat in the car with my 3yo. Went back in, still crying, still pounding......I went in....yelled at her to stop because I was so frustrated (I hate yelling).....took her to the car crying, she finally stopped as we are driving down the road in complete silence.

 

I hate this. I don't know how to "let it run it's course". How long is too long to leave her in her room? Is her room the right place for her? Is the "tramatized" look she gives me just an act for attention? She's very bright and mature beyond her years, and I think part of the problem is I've always given her responsibilities that may not have been age appropriate, and she wasn't ready for. I feel like she's screaming out for me and I don't know what to do. Or am I just overthinking all of this and it's completely "normal"? Thanks.

"The Explosive Child" Ross W. Greene, Ph.D.

A book about, "explosive, inflexible, easily frustrated children."

The tantrum you've described sounds a lot like the examples given in this book. You might want to give it a try, the guy describes many different ways to handle these sorts of situations without letting it escalate into a screaming fight or battle of the wills. We had some problems with our son at six and now (he's seven) and much calmer, much quicker to explain his frustration/anger/etc.

[Lovedtodeath]

When my daughter is in that mood I don't get involved at all because once she starts losing it, my involvement will automatically make it a reason to totally meltdown (she's 8 by the way).

 

:iagree:before the meltdown, stay away. Your failed attempts to help will make it worse.

 

"The Explosive Child" Ross W. Greene, Ph.D.

A book about, "explosive, inflexible, easily frustrated children."

 

 

I am checking this one out!

[Barb_]

Beyond Time-Out: From Chaos to Calm by Beth A. Grosshans and No More Meltdowns: Positive Strategies for Managing and Preventing Out-Of-Control Behavior by Jed Baker. You'll get parenting style descriptions and specific, easy to follow advice to head this kind of behavior off at the pass. It sounds like you need some ground-up work the dynamic in your household and these books will give you an excellent beginning. Good luck and :grouphug:

 

Barb

[Susan in KY]

Become an emotional "coach."

 

Around here when the emotions start to heat up, we kindly and gently say, "I am prepared to listen to you state your case, but not if you cry, whine, or vent. Calm down, speak through your mouth (not your nose) and look me in the eyes with a clear face so we can deal with it."

 

Surprisingly, this has done much to teach both dc how to control themselves. FYI, the 9 y. does a better job of it than the 7 y/o at this time.

[Desert Rat]

I can still throw a mean tantrum and I'm 37! That's just my personality though and I'm always working on it. My almost 6yo has recently started throwing tantrums again. It's really thrown me for a loop so I know how you're feeling. I just scoop him up and take him to his room where he can get himself together. When he has calmed down he can rejoin the family. I think it's just the age, really.