Deep, Serious Thoughts for Little People

[Condessa]

My ds7 seems to be doing a lot of thinking about death lately.  This is my child with cancer.  He knows that his cancer is not a kind that is likely to kill him, and when he hears references to people dying from cancer, these were a different type than his.  (I never realized how frequently references like this come up in life, on the radio, tv commercials, etc. until I was aware of my cancer kid taking it in.)  

He has made a number of references to himself with this that have generally not seemed to be in a depressed or worried way.  Several times he’s said things about being grateful to be alive.  The other day he was describing a story he’d imagined to me about magic eight balls not just predicting the future, but making it.  He said he asked one if he was going to die, and the answer was no, so then he got to live forever.  

Mostly his worry on this has been expressed about the baby I’m pregnant with.  He talks to my stomach all the time, and told me last week that he really wants the baby to know that he loves him now.  My immediate thought was that ds7 was thinking of his own death, but then he was talking about being worried the baby would die in my tummy before he is born, and crying .  I gave him lots of comfort and reassurance that there is no reason to think that would happen, and the baby is fine and healthy—but he brought it up again twice more in the next few days.  

Even though he hasn’t seemed upset or down about concerns over his own life, I think it must be related.  He is mostly a very happy kid and most of his references to death have not been made in a negative way, but I am still worrying about this.  He is very familiar with our family’s beliefs on life after this one and on eternal families.  I don’t think he fears death.  I heard him praying in the bathroom yesterday.  “I am grateful for this life, and that I get to be here right now.”  It’s just such heavy subject matter for such a little guy who has been through so much.

 I don’t really know what I’m asking, even.  

[Catwoman]

I’m so sorry, Condessa. Your son sounds like such a sweet, courageous, and caring boy. You must be so proud of him.

[prairiewindmomma]

This is really really common in ped onc circles. They are dealing with more serious issues than most of their age peers. My daughter wrestled with the same. Hugs.

Fwiw, we put her into art therapy with someone who deals with very ill children (which, even with good prognosis, your kid qualifies) and we found it helpful.

[Pawz4me]

Cancer is such a hard thing to deal with even for adults. I can't imagine what a 7 yo might be going through. I assume the cancer center where he's being treated has some supports available? If so I wouldn't hesitate to contact someone there. If you haven't been given any info then his oncologist's nurse would be a good place to start. Hugs.

[Splash1]

We went through something similar with my daughter.  She was 11 when she almost died and was in the PICU for 35 days and diagnosed with atypical HUS which is a lifelong chronic/life shortening disease.  We had a lot of discussions about death and life, God, what if she died, etc.  I will say things that helped her process a lot of her feelings and thoughts through the years were art, therapy and taking advantage of the Serious Fun Camps.  Our social worker was a great help finding things for her.  She also got a Make-a-wish trip.  She is turning 20 this year and as she's grown and developed and matured we have had to process things over and over at different developmental levels.  She is doing really well.  She was a freshman in college this year and still uses art as her main therapy to process her feelings and talks with a therapist once a month to keep on track.  I will say too that she often struggled with peer relationships because her life experience was/is so different than theirs.  She is much more serious and doesn't have that same sense of invincibility that teens have, this experience did change her, she was my happy sunshine girl.  She's a little darker now but that is understandable.

 

I'm sorry he and you are going through this.  It is not easy   It also impacts the other kids so keep an eye on them as well and help them process their feelings.  Our family still feels the impact and it has been nine years (but her disease is ongoing, with ongoing treatments and ER visits)  One of her brothers said to me one night in fear and anger that this is never going to end is it?  Honestly I had to say no.  I think in retrospect I should have done family therapy for a bit when she first was diagnosed but no one suggested it and I think I was too tired and overwhelmed to think of it.  It would have been good for the kids to have a place to express their feelings of fear, grief, etc with a neutral person as all adult family members were struggling to process their feelings and exhaustion.  At the time of diagnosis my other kids were 17, 14, 13, and 6.  It took two to three years to get to where she was stable and doing okay.  It was probably five years before I felt like "me" again.

 

Sorry didn't mean to make it about me, just wanted to let you know you're not alone and that their big thoughts are pretty normal.  Take care of yourself while allowing him to process, so easy to say and so hard to do.  Accept the help that is offered, this is a long journey.

 

Praying for you all.  

[MercyA]

It sounds like you've done a really great job, Condessa, and what an amazing little guy he is! 

Hugs and prayers to you all.

[saraha]

He sounds like such a wonderful little guy, good job momma! Hugs to you and yours and prayers for wisdom and comfort.

[Fritz]

He sounds like a sweet and caring little boy. So sorry he is having to deal with cancer. Just to encourage you, my now 40ish nephew was 5 or 6 when my sister was pregnant with my niece. He worried about the baby and my sister during her pregnancy for no known reason. He was a healthy child, although my sister would tell you he has always been a bit of a hypochondriac. All that to say he was a very protective big brother and they have always been very close. I hope this is the case with your little boy and this new baby on the way.

[Condessa]

3 hours ago, Plum said:

{{{{Condessa}}}}
 

Has the oncology center offered any supports? I have heard Cognitive Behavior workbooks are helpful for framing difficult thoughts. 
 

It sounds like you are a wonderful mom. I hope you find some help for your beautiful child. 

We’ve been so swamped dealing with the physical side of his health, it hasn’t even come up.

[prairiewindmomma]

Usually child life has workbooks, and there are sometimes peer or parent support groups.  Most major metros will also have special play therapy places with sibling support. 

When my baby got RSV while dd had cancer it was a major emotionally traumatic event. Just because they are talking about things in a positive light (gratitude) doesn't mean that they aren't going through major things. Honestly, I think you're LDS, right? You are seeing the framework for typically Mormon cognitive processes....everything in couched in gratitude. "Heavenly Father, we thank thee...."  "We're grateful for this time with...."  He's taking frameworks he knows and trying to put his feelings into it.  I'm going to offer a big warning flag here.  Mormons tend to "accept" emotionally only positive feelings and not give space for talking about sincere challenges or questions.  Right? It's when a kid dies, "We thank thee so much he could be part of our family. We're so grateful he's not suffering anymore. We know we can be together forever." That's what you hear.  There's not a space to talk about the rest.  Make sure you're giving your kid a space to talk about all of his feelings, and demonstrating to him how to do that. 

[Drama Llama]

I am so sorry you are in this situation.  I agree with both the suggestion for Child Life, and the suggestion to make sure he and his siblings have words and permission to express all their feelings.