post-pandemic homeschooling crisis

[kristin0713]

I fear that the pandemic has ruined homeschooling for us. 

My kids are 15 and 13.  We have always homeschooled.  They were absolutely thriving before the pandemic. They were not lacking socially or academically.  We had a good groove, and a good plan.  They were engaged with friends and had many creative outlets. 

Our fine arts program went virtual and it was a flop for both of my kids.  Our church and youth group fell apart and we are not going back. And many of our connections there either moved on or moved physically OR I saw things about people that I just can't respect anymore.  

DD 15 is still doing fine academically.  I have no worries there.  But she is absolutely starving socially. And her OCD has increased pretty significantly, setting her way back. 

DD 13 is doing ok socially but wants more.  He is involved in taekwondo which is still going well. But does not have a local friend "group" so to speak.  Academically, I have had a huge revelation about him.  He is a brilliant kid, but does not put forth the effort for me that he does for other people.  I am seriously concerned that homeschooling him through high school will limit him because of his unwillingness to work for me.  He is also a know-it-all and refuses to consider other perspectives when we discuss topics in history and government.  This really concerns me.  I think that if he were in a class with a knowledgable teacher and peers, he would learn to respect other opinions or at least be willing to have a respectful conversation with people that he doesn't agree with.  Outsourcing writing and science has been great for his motivation, so I decided to outsource math for him next year as well.  But maybe he needs more than outsourcing?  Maybe he needs school??  

I hate that I let them start playing video games during the pandemic out of desperation to find things for them to do.  They are amazing and creative kids and they want more than that and I want more for them. But now it has become a default activity.  "What else is there to do, Mom?!"

Compounding all of this is that we don't know where we will be living in September!  We are trying to move to PA from NJ.  We lost our new build due to the cost of lumber (the builder bailed) and we cannot find a resale that suits our needs without getting outbid.  We are currently living with my parents in our hometown.  I can't even consider putting them in school if I don't know where we will be living.   

Then there are the concerns that I have about school in general.  Would b&m school squash their creativity completely?  Put them in a box?  Would it be worse for DD's mental health, or better?  Would it take up too much time with busywork and not allow DS to thrive doing other things that he is amazing at?  What about the horror stories of bullying, social media drama, teen suicide? 

I want what is best for my kids.  I don't know what that is anymore. 

 

[Wheres Toto]

I've been having similar concerns about my teens (ds is turning 16 in August, dd is turning 14 in July).   

We have still had some in person activity because I run a science center where they are taking classes.  But instead of multiple times a week of classes, hang-outs, 4-H meetings, etc. they are there only once a week each.   They have fallen into a habit of sleeping most of the morning away and staying up half the night, which I wouldn't care about too much since as teenagers that is a more natural schedule for them, but they aren't getting things done.   Even if they don't wake up until noon, they expect to have all their schoolwork done by 2pm.  Plus dd is trying adhd meds which really need to be taken in the morning, and I don't feel we can get a decent idea about side effects if she falls back asleep right after taking them.   And nobody is getting enough exercise. 

But, despite being concerned I'm trying not to make big decisions based on the past year.  It hasn't been a normal time for any of us and I don't want to use that as the basis for making decisions.   I'm trying to be calm and slowly make some changes to get back onto a better routine, plus I'm hoping that we'll be more back to normal this fall.    

[HomeAgain]

Sometimes 'best' isn't what we envision.

I don't know what's best for your kids, either, but I do know that a move at the beginning of high school really upended my kid - but it turned out for the absolute best for him. He lost his friends and activities, and slid into a funk where he was in the house much more than he should have been.  He had a hard time finding connections at our new home.  By the end of 9th, I put down an ultimatum: he needed to find a school.  I didn't care which, but he needed one.

Before our move I thought we would homeschool through the end of high school, possibly.  Even if that meant outsourcing all of his classes to an online program.  It just didn't turn out best for him because of limited opportunities in our new town.  He ended up thriving in his small charter school (class size of 55) and gained a ton of confidence.

I have always tried to look at homeschooling as HOME directing the SCHOOLING.  That means that it's my job to empower my kid with the ability to make choices, and for us as a family to make choices about what's best for any given year.  My kid was able to convince his school to let him do triple enrollment to take simultaneous maths online and at the building, and do most of junior and senior year with the college.  As a family, we were able to see that his current situation at home wasn't good for him, and decide how to change it to be more favorable. 

I think if you sit down and start gathering all the options, you'll find one that works the absolute best for you, too. ❤️  Even if it wasn't what you want.

[kristin0713]

1 hour ago, Wheres Toto said:

We have still had some in person activity because I run a science center where they are taking classes.

Would you mind telling me the name of it? Do you have any summer programs? 

 

1 hour ago, Wheres Toto said:

But, despite being concerned I'm trying not to make big decisions based on the past year.  It hasn't been a normal time for any of us and I don't want to use that as the basis for making decisions.   I'm trying to be calm and slowly make some changes to get back onto a better routine, plus I'm hoping that we'll be more back to normal this fall.    

Yes.  I know this is wise.  

 

1 hour ago, HomeAgain said:

I think if you sit down and start gathering all the options, you'll find one that works the absolute best for you, too. ❤️  Even if it wasn't what you want.

I guess my first problem in all of this is that I don't know where we will be living.  Eventually, if we are not able to get settled in PA before September, I will just have to homeschool them anyway.  I can't see putting them in school here and then uprooting them for a move.  I also don't want to put them in school for the first time in their lives mid-year.  

[Wheres Toto]

12 minutes ago, kristin0713 said:

Would you mind telling me the name of it? Do you have any summer programs? 

North Jersey Homeschool Science Center.  We have camps for up to 13 years old. 

[kristin0713]

6 minutes ago, Wheres Toto said:

North Jersey Homeschool Science Center.  We have camps for up to 13 years old. 

I was wondering if that is what it was! I have friends who go there.  🙂

[Janeway]

Covid killed all the fun things we did, and now we do not even have a Grandpa to hang out with.  I am planning to go out of my way to have us do tons of stuff this summer and fall, more than usual, in hopes of making those connections that we no longer have.

[Insertcreativenamehere]

I totally get this. I'm in a very similar spot. I had three kids home this year and will just have one next year: DS 14 is going to high school, as previously planned, and DS 9 is going back to public school due to his profound special needs. DD 11, who is very outgoing and social, will be the only child home. 

She was in a half-time homeschool hybrid program at a lovely school prior to Covid. We kept her home this year out of an abundance of caution. Most of her friends from the private school also stayed home, but we were all very cautious due to vulnerable family members and her friend group didn't see each other very much. We did attend a co-op, which was helpful, but it was only every other week -- not really enough time for DD to make good friends. Returning to the private school is an option, but not likely for a few reasons -- namely, none of her good friends are going back either. Also, there are some academic gaps that I've found and I'm not convinced that the school can best meet her needs. I'm hopeful that we will be able to see friends more often, now that things are not quite as dire, but I will still need to be very intentional about finding many more social opportunities for her. We looked into a one-day homeschool tutorial and it looked perfect on paper, but it's too far away and winter driving conditions here can be pretty dicey. I'm hopeful that church and youth group will be in-person, as all three of my older kids have definitely missed it and need those connections. She does play sports, and that will continue, but she needs way more social time than I do and so it's a constant challenge to fill up her schedule. 

 

[Not_a_Number]

The pandemic has been really hard on everyone. I have a ton of sympathy for you and I know just how you feel. And yes... my kids also don't necessarily do their best work for me. As I'm a pretty demanding homeschooler, that's something we've been trying to tackle.

Buut... I'm looking at this: 

3 hours ago, kristin0713 said:

Compounding all of this is that we don't know where we will be living in September!  We are trying to move to PA from NJ.  We lost our new build due to the cost of lumber (the builder bailed) and we cannot find a resale that suits our needs without getting outbid.  We are currently living with my parents in our hometown.  I can't even consider putting them in school if I don't know where we will be living.   

 

Basically, it sounds like you can't actually decide to put them in school yet even if you wanted to. And that means that trying to decide whether you should put them in school or not right now will do NOTHING except add stress to your life. So if I were you, I'd just take it one step at a time... figure out where you're going to live first, then look at what the homeschooling options there are (I have to say, one of the reasons I like being in NYC is that the homeschooling options are very robust), and only THEN does it make sense to worry about whether to put them in school or not. 

In the meantime, can you figure out some temporary solutions to the issues you're having? One foot in front of the other, so to speak? Find some social outlets for DD15 and find some ways for DS13 to work on his academic rigidity? (I sympathize with the latter, since DD8 is also brilliant but extremely rigid.) 

Anyway, I guess that's my main advice: tackle the stuff you can tackle right now, try hard not to think too far ahead 🙂 . And don't forget that this has been a demanding and challenging season for everyone! 

Edited June 4, 2021 by Not_a_Number

[Lori D.]

As the pandemic passes, more things will re-open. But yes, some things may be gone for good, and some relationships/groups may no longer be an option due to the way groups/individuals responded to the pandemic.

And yes, socialization is a REAL need of teens.

So, you may need to start researching very broadly for what is (or will be) available for your teens in the next school year. You might want to check out what's going on in the community, or with an all-ages group that would click as part of socializing next year.

And your teens may need to be willing to try something they never would have thought they were interested in (and hopefully be pleasantly surprised 😉 ). For example, neither DS here had the LEAST interest in politics, government, or being a lawyer -- but they had a BLAST with YMCA Youth & Gov't, and asked to go back year year. 😄  

Below are some past threads with ideas; all of these are linked on PAGE 5 of the big pinned thread "High School Motherlode #2", at the top of the high school board.

BEST of luck as you sort through all the up-in-the-air variables right now. Warmly, Lori D.
____________________________
 

EXTRACURRICULARS

activity ideas
Advice for extracurriculars (lots of ideas in the posts) 
What extracurricular activities for the high school years? 
High school socialization (activity ideas) 
DS is so, so lonely (activity & social suggestions for teens)
Once your child hits middle school, does all the 'fun stuff' stop? (how gr. 7-12 are fun in new ways + ideas)

specific extracurriculars
Extracurricular activities for computer-obsessed introverted kid?
Best recreational level extracurricular opportunities (suggestions for all ages) 
Low income people and extracurriculars (suggestions for all ages + ways of cutting costs)
Congressional Award discussion 

Edited June 4, 2021 by Lori D.

[Lori D.]

5 hours ago, kristin0713 said:

I fear that the pandemic has ruined homeschooling for us....
... DD 15 is still doing fine academically... But she is absolutely starving socially. And her OCD has increased pretty significantly, setting her way back. 
... DD 13 is doing ok socially but wants more...
... I am seriously concerned that homeschooling him through high school will limit him because of his unwillingness to work for me... I think that if he were in a class with a knowledgable teacher and peers, he would learn to respect other opinions... Maybe he needs school??
...We are trying to move to PA from NJ... we cannot find a resale that suits our needs without getting outbid.  We are currently living with my parents in our hometown.  I can't even consider putting them in school if I don't know where we will be living.   

One other thought: if having DC attend a brick & mortar school in NJ would be the best option for a variety of reasons, is RENTING an option right now? In other words, move to NJ and live in a rental while you search for a home to buy in NJ?

[kristin0713]

9 minutes ago, Lori D. said:

One other thought: if having DC attend a brick & mortar school in NJ would be the best option for a variety of reasons, is RENTING an option right now? In other words, move to NJ and live in a rental while you search for a home to buy in NJ?

We are in NJ, moving to PA. 

We have talked about renting.  Rentals are hard to come by right now and we are saving so much money living with my parents. They have a big house and plenty of room for us.  As much as I want to get settled, it really makes the most sense to stay put until we find a house. 

[Not_a_Number]

I actually personally really like renting to get a feel for a neighborhood 🙂 . But then we've always rented -- we're about to buy a place and it's the first time either one of us have owned a place to live... 

[Wheres Toto]

Renting is a good idea but rentals are really really hard to find right now unless you have a ton of money to spend.    We just went crazy trying to find a place for my oldest since she lives with my mom and we're selling her house (we will be building an addition for mom).   We found a place, but so many people are selling their houses faster than they expected and scrambling to find a place to live that the rental market is insane as well.  My mother's house went on the market last Monday and she's got a contract already.  And this isn't a unique or special house in any way.

[kristin0713]

@Wheres Toto Exactly.  There is literally nothing available to rent that meets our needs.  We sold our house because we really needed more space. I don't want us crammed into an apartment just to get to PA sooner.  I also need a yard for the dog with a fence or I will go *insane* taking her out all the time. 

If we could rent a house for a year and possibly wait out this crazy market, I would do it.  But that is not even an option right now with the current inventory.  

[Wheres Toto]

1 minute ago, kristin0713 said:

@Wheres Toto Exactly.  There is literally nothing available to rent that meets our needs.  We sold our house because we really needed more space. I don't want us crammed into an apartment just to get to PA sooner.  I also need a yard for the dog with a fence or I will go *insane* taking her out all the time. 

If we could rent a house for a year and possibly wait out this crazy market, I would do it.  But that is not even an option right now with the current inventory.  

Between dh, my daughter and myself we know multiple people/families who are basically stuck living in hotels because they weren't able to find a rental.   It's a great time to sell if you have options like living with family (dd's boyfriend did this) or already have something but it's a bad time to be trying to find something.

[Lori D.]

1 hour ago, kristin0713 said:

We are in NJ, moving to PA. 

We have talked about renting.  Rentals are hard to come by right now and we are saving so much money living with my parents. They have a big house and plenty of room for us.  As much as I want to get settled, it really makes the most sense to stay put until we find a house. 

Oops --  I had the wrong direction. 😉 

And, yes, I see why staying put for the time being is working financially.

BEST of luck! Warmly, Lori D.

[Hunter]

I don't think we are anywhere near post yet. Even if the infection is contained, things have been set in motion that have not played out yet.

I have to check in with myself sometimes. I have been better prepared for this than many other people, but I get a bit lost sometimes, forgetting everything that I have learned in times that were similar in some way.

We cannot prepare for what comes next because we don't know what it will be. As scary as that is, there is also some permission in there.

My body knows I am in danger, and there is an instinct to prepare, but I can't. I have to swallow that and just finish up things that I can finish up. I use that energy to tie up loose ends. Do you have 3 books of computer passwords? Recopy it and condense it into one. Start with copying what is most critical in a mucked up world, and what is most critical today. If you don't finish and must leave behind all the old books, they will just contain what will no longer matter. Instead of buying new clothes, I just wear out what I have. Books I meant to finish: I read them now. Phonecalls I meant to make and things I meant to say to people: I say them now.

This pandemic is crazymaking. This pandemic is pink elephants not being discussed. None of us know what is true or real right now, never mind what might happen next.

My situation is crap right now, in context of my old life. I miss college and my city, but the college I attended and the benefits of that city no longer exist. The buildings are there, but everything that mattered to ME is gone. Where I am now is surreal and my situation is not sustainable. But it does not need to be sustainable. I just need to survive day to day until we truly do know what is ahead.

People keep asking me what my plans are, especially after my air conditioner stopped working and we found out that it was bullet holes that were the problem. The airconditioner has been repaired and I need it because it is 109 degrees right now. Everything is okay for today.

We keep getting blackouts and worse than that are the power surges that break my appliances. There was a new study that it is expected that at least one city like mine will experience a Dallas like event from the heat, and that the deaths will be much worse.

I cannot drink the tapwater without getting sick. Sometimes I have to plug the drains because the sewer gasses are so strong, and actually spew stuff up.

But I sit tight in my foxhole/trench for now. And thank God for what I do have, and enjoy it to the fullest. I am more afraid of what is coming than living like this.

In war, the commanders scream at the men to stay in their foxhole/trenches. Most of us need to sit tight today. And we need to love our trench-mates even if they be mighty crazy. What I am hearing going on outside right now is just ... like only what I have seen on a 1990s episode of a show with a portal to a demon world, ambulance-ice cream truck playing uncopyrighted folk tunes and all. 

Edited June 5, 2021 by Hunter

[2_girls_mommy]

I think everyone, teens everywhere, have had a rough year, not just mine.  My oldest missed a graduation ceremony.  She spent her first year in the dorms without a roommate and with very little campus activity with most of her classes on zoom and part of that time was quarantined in another dorm away from her own stuff.  My next at home had one co-op close down and we had to find a new place that was meeting. (Luckily it worked out for us, and we found a group where she really fit in well.) Our neighbor's kid was in public school all year, which in our city was completely virtual until March, then was only a couple of days a week in person, which meant as an only child she spent her days completely alone while her mom worked doing cyber school at age 10-11.  It has just been tough for everyone.   I wouldn't judge the rest of schooling by this one year. 

And sorry about your know it all.  I have one of those too, lol.  She did better to explore ideas without being lectured to.  Books or classes served as her teacher, writing as her way of communicating, if that makes sense.  If she was getting too much against anything I would have to say on a subject, I found feeding her full of good books from multiple sides was enough for her to explore different ideas on her own, instead of me talking to her about them.  I tried to stay very neutral on things that I knew she would choose the opposite side on simply to choose the opposite side.  It was better for her to just hear things, and not think that I was trying to convince her of anything.  I would often take a different side when she brought up a view on something, like a devil's advocate type of talking about it, but not where I was trying to convince her, just letting her know that there are other ways to look at things. But I had to stay very neutral.  I think teaching logic and rhetoric and giving that space to come up with arguments and to support them is what we are supposed to do.  And the teen ages are when they like to argue and think through all of that.  Some are just really good at it, lol. 

Good luck in whatever you decide.  It has been a rough year, but rebuilding everything will be happening for everyone.  

[prairiewindmomma]

It's ok to change plans when things don't work anymore.

We put older dd into public school for the first time in TX, and we ended up doing a surprise move cross-country a couple of months later. She hadn't been to school at all, and suddenly had two schools in just a few months. She was completely fine!  People move all of the time. This was a big deal in my head that just wasn't a big deal in reality.

When we moved here, we put our younger three in school, then covid hit. Two are headed back to school. One definitely works better for other people than for me, the other needs social time. We aren't doing this for academics. Academics are better at home with me.  We're prioritizing other things for a time, and that's ok.

It's super easy to get caught up in black and white thinking and start to think that only one thing is ok, or the best, and that all of the other options are untenable. 

One final thought: our kids grow up, all too rapidly, and head out into the world. While oldest was homeschooled K-12, I think my younger kids are going to have an easier time with the transition because they will have the groove down before they graduate.

[Not_a_Number]

2 hours ago, prairiewindmomma said:

While oldest was homeschooled K-12, I think my younger kids are going to have an easier time with the transition because they will have the groove down before they graduate.

Were there advantages to homeschooling K to 12? Just curious 🙂 . I'm not sure what we're planning to yet, frankly -- we've mostly talked about sending DD8 to school for social reasons, but it does depend on what she wants, and she's academically-minded enough that she may choose the academics. 

[prairiewindmomma]

messaged you

[Shoeless]

On 6/4/2021 at 3:11 PM, kristin0713 said:

@Wheres Toto Exactly.  There is literally nothing available to rent that meets our needs.  We sold our house because we really needed more space. I don't want us crammed into an apartment just to get to PA sooner.  I also need a yard for the dog with a fence or I will go *insane* taking her out all the time. 

If we could rent a house for a year and possibly wait out this crazy market, I would do it.  But that is not even an option right now with the current inventory.  

It's a rough time. I mentioned in another thread that PA was on our list for possible relocation, but until the market calms down a little, I have no idea how we'd get up there from TX and actually find a house. DH is dead set against renting temporarily, too. 😕 

Ah well. Maybe one day we'll be sorta-neighbors in PA 😉 

It's just a hard time. It's hard to live with uncertainty for so long. I think we'll have a lot more answers by fall. Until then, everything is a big question mark. 

What do the kids want? Do they want to go to school?  

Edited June 11, 2021 by MissLemon

[kristin0713]

3 hours ago, MissLemon said:

It's a rough time. I mentioned in another thread that PA was on our list for possible relocation, but until the market calms down a little, I have no idea how we'd get up there from TX and actually find a house. DH is dead set against renting temporarily, too. 😕 

Ah well. Maybe one day we'll be sorta-neighbors in PA 😉 

It's just a hard time. It's hard to live with uncertainty for so long. I think we'll have a lot more answers by fall. Until then, everything is a big question mark. 

What do the kids want? Do they want to go to school?  

It is impossible to rent in PA unless you want an apartment.  We can't do it.  The whole reason we sold our house was because we needed more space.  I can't see putting the four of us plus a dog in an apartment for an indefinite amount of time.  

DS13 does not want to go to school but DD15 is interested.  Ironically, DS is the one that I know would fall right into place and adjust quickly no matter where I put him, and he is the one who only puts forth his best work for others.  Going to school for DD could be a disaster with all of her anxiety and OCD struggles.  She is a good student and does whatever work I give her.  Ideally, for her, academics at home and extracurricular fine arts plus youth group (what we had before covid) is the perfect balance.  

I've been working out a schedule of mostly outsourced classes for both of my kids to give them accountability with other teachers and regular peer interaction.  I told DD that I would sign her up for our previous fine arts program if we are here in September.  The program expect to run normally next year.  I guess that is the best I can do at this point.