Reality vs. Vision

[cougarmom4]

My vision of how this year was supposed to go is not matching up with reality!

Background here: I’m homeschooling my 8th grader due to Covid, most likely only for this school year. I am a teacher and for years I have wanted to homeschool but I needed to teach full time (and my husband has not been on board with homeschooling; although a few years back, I did keep my older son home for a semester and we have always ‘after-schooled,’ kind of always a literacy-focused home, etc). I have followed these boards for years and I love so much about it here....I’ve always said I’m a homeschooler-at-heart. I have learned a lot over the years by reading of the dedication and efforts from all of you. I have great respect and admiration for what I read about here.
 

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I didn’t just jump into this year thinking I could grab a workbook and call it good. I know so much more goes into homeschooling than that. I’ve researched curriculum (one of my hobbies, apparently) and feel really good about the plans I have set in place for the year. My dd is highly capable and at grade level in all of her subjects. She is a good kid and typically pleasant to be with. 

But she is making this all so difficult!

She complains about everything, tries to get out of every assignment. Sometimes she’s in a great mood and I feel this glimmer of hope...and then the next minute she is grumbling and complaining. I’ve tried switching things up (even buying different curriculum trying to find something she will like better), I’ve tried giving her more ownership. She does work well with a checklist and doing things on her own, but if I have to actually teach her, there is bound to be some conflict. (And I should actually be teaching her, right?!?) If we are working together on something (say a timeline project or even doing art), she asks Can we be done yet? Is that all? 
 

Is this normal? Is it just because she’s 13? 
I’d appreciate any suggestions!
 

 

 

Edited January 13, 2021 by cougarmom4

[alisoncooks]

Gosh, 13? Sounds about right. My hat is off to parents jumping in during the tween/early teen years. If I didn't have the warm fuzzy memories of homeschooling kindergarten/1st grade, idk what would keep me going, lol. 

Fwiw, my girls are 12 and 14. And aside from those warm fuzzy years, they've never loved school time. Also, my elder child does best (attitude-wise) when I'm not the direct teacher, so over the years several of her subjects have moved to video/digital instruction, with mom facilitating. 

[8filltheheart]

Homeschooling kids who have previously been in school is a different scenario vs kids who have always been at home.   You really can't make even generalized comparisons.   For my kids, yes, middle school has still been a wonderful time, but they have been born into learning is a lifestyle where learning fills their own personal needs, not mom is telling me what I need to learn/do and I just want to hang out with my friends.

[Junie]

I got halfway through your post and asked myself, "Is she 13?" And then I kept reading. 😉

If she works well with a checklist, that's really good!  I would choose the subject(s) that really need to be taught -- probably math -- and let her do the rest on her own.

[cougarmom4]

Oh, it helps to hear this! Thank you for taking the time to reply! I keep asking myself where the warm fuzzy times are? The ones I was hoping for....🤪. The ones that make this all worth it, right? 
 

I keep telling myself that as long as she is ready for HS math and can write an essay, then everything else will work out okay. So we do Jacob’s Algebra, WWS and Grammar everyday. I work part-time, so she is on her own in the mornings M-Th (sometimes she has another Covid homeschooling friend come over; she does online schooling so they are basically just in the same room together) and will usually get through some reading assignments and her viola practice. The plan is for us to eat lunch and then spend an hour together on the essential 3. For the afternoon, I had visions of doing US History with a timeline and historical fiction and art history and music history and it could be so awesome...but. It. Is. So. Not. 
 

Anyways, I struggle to know if it’s just the age, if it’s part of adjusting to homeschool, if it’s that she’s dealing with the emotional toll of Covid (she is a huge extrovert and I am not), or if I just need to be more insistent and make her do what’s on the list. Given the situation is most likely temporary (if this was going better, I would continue in a heartbeat), I just don’t know how much of a battle to create. Ultimately, my goal is to have a good relationship with my daughter and this doesn’t feel like we are accomplishing such a thing!
 

 

Edited January 13, 2021 by cougarmom4

[cintinative]

Agreeing with the others. 13 is a hard age on multiple levels. 

There is a "my kid is a pill" thread somewhere on here that was helpful.

[Runningmom80]

7 hours ago, cintinative said:

Agreeing with the others. 13 is a hard age on multiple levels. 

There is a "my kid is a pill" thread somewhere on here that was helpful.

I have it bookmarked and refer to it often. Here it is, 

 

I agree with the others, 13. Oof. It was the hardest parenting year for me. I dont have a ton of advice because I don't know that much really "works" but I would say try to find common ground somewhere. ANY topic you can both get excited about learning. We are big book nerds so we did a lot of reading the same book and watching the movie, which led to a lot of great discussion. OK maybe not a lot, but some great discussions and I called it a win. I don't know if this is mentioned in the pill thread but Maria Montessori believed that young teens or middle schoolers should be working on a farm all day. I have to say I agree. If she isn't getting regular physical activity, it may be another thing to try. 

 

Mostly, just here to nod along that yeah, its a difficult age and what you are saying is something I went through too, and my oldest homeschooled from kindergarten. My DS is 14 and seems to be coming out of this stage, thankfully. I have 10.5 year old twins that are about to start though! 

[Farrar]

Aw, thank you all for reminding me of that. Poor pill. He shouted at me about passive voice that I was telling him to eliminate from an honors philosophy essay due Friday for a little while earlier. Sigh. But most of the time... he has grown out of this behavior. It does get better for most kids!

[cintinative]

11 hours ago, Runningmom80 said:

I have it bookmarked and refer to it often. Here it is, 

 

Thank you! I was paging through my 17 pages of followed threads and couldn't find it!!

[Miss Tick]

Sometimes I take a moment to spell out what those sighs and snippy comments do to me. It is preferable to not do this during a time of raised tensions, although I slip now and then (I prefer to claim that I was pushed!) I think this is an age-specific way of reminding our people that their actions impact the people around them.

[BusyMom5]

13- lovely age.  I currently have twin 13 year old boys.  I thought they would be better than 13 year old girls.  I was wrong.  Not worse, not better- just different.   A few thoughts- my oldest started homeschooling at age 12, and it is much different than the younger ages.

1.  She may not want to do timelines or art projects as part of her school.  Ive had mixed opinions.  One likes drawing diagrams,  one does not.  

2.  She is used to textbook learning and anything else doesn't feel like real school.  It takes several years to break out of that mold!  If she would prefer a textbook,  use one.  Ive gone back and forth- right now we use a textbook for science and Joy Hakim for history (kinda cross between textbook, reads like a story).  Most years I have made my own either books, printables etc.  Not anymore.  

3.  This isn't normal homeschooling.   Its very isolating.  This can make you feel you are in a rut.  

4.  IT'S JANUARY!!!!!    Little known fact, every year in January and February homeschool moms across the nation start to feel this way.  We then buy new, shiny books.  We despair that our children aren't learning enough..... then about April we consider the school year over and send the kids outside most of the day.  

[cintinative]

4 hours ago, BusyMom5 said:

 

4.  IT'S JANUARY!!!!!    Little known fact, every year in January and February homeschool moms across the nation start to feel this way.  We then buy new, shiny books.  We despair that our children aren't learning enough..... then about April we consider the school year over and send the kids outside most of the day.  

Right? There is a reason they send out catalogs in February.  I always tell new homeschool moms that they will feel serious self-doubt this time of year, but that is completely normal. 

[goldenecho]

Agree with all the comments about 13...I'm homeschooling my 12 year old for "just this year."    Even though we had already homeschooled kindergarten through 3rd (something I enjoyed immensely), this, doing middle school, is a totally different experience.   Yes, the complaining is HORRENDOUS.   I have to keep reminding myself that that's about where he is, not what I'm doing (remembering my oldest two at this age, it's definitely the stage). 

And just doing a year has it's own difficulties added in.   There's this pressure that "this is my one and only last chance to do all this stuff I want to do" but also this looming question of "what if I let her get behind and don't prepare her for what she'll need next year?"   You can get in this place where you are trying to keep up with the school and do everything that they won't do in school at the same time (which is maybe not what's happening with you...but I feel that).   I have tried this once before with one of my older children, who decided they wanted to try homeschooling for just a year (same year I'm doing now with my son, 6th grade).   I got myself in such a tizzy wanting to do "all the cool things" but at the same time worrying that he'd get behind, that it didn't work and we ended up not doing it at all after a little trial run in summer (just sent him back to school).   Its easier this time because I did have the chance to do so much with my youngest already...but I do see things that I wanted to do with him "when he was older" slipping by, and I just have to keep reminding myself to do what I can and not fret over what turns out not to work or try to fit so much in he's buckling under the weight of extra stuff that's "supposed to be fun."   

Not to mention it's COVID and these "temporarily homeschooled" kids are  missing so much stuff they normally are able to do but can't.   Full on grown ups are having trouble not letting that darken their attitude, so it's gonna be even harder for kids dealing with new hormones. 

 

 

Edited January 21, 2021 by goldenecho