cave canem Posted December 12, 2018 Share Posted December 12, 2018 I am talking with a teen who lied to friends about some other teens, some who are known to the friends and some who aren't. She is going to explain to the friends what the lies were. It is also incumbent on her to tell the lied-about teens what she said? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted December 12, 2018 Share Posted December 12, 2018 (edited) 36 minutes ago, cave canem said: I am talking with a teen who lied to friends about some other teens, some who are known to the friends and some who aren't. She is going to explain to the friends what the lies were. It is also incumbent on her to tell the lied-about teens what she said? My instinct is to apologize to the lied about teens if it will not cause more harm. I don't know all the details so I am not sure if apologizing will or won't cause more harm. Edited December 12, 2018 by unsinkable 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted December 12, 2018 Share Posted December 12, 2018 I would say only if it is helpful to those involved (either now or in the future). If it's just to appease her (or your) conscience, then some things are better left alone. (Of course I don't know all the details.) 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SquirrellyMama Posted December 12, 2018 Share Posted December 12, 2018 I once said something not nice about a person to a friend. I apologized to the person I talked about, and it didn't go well. I also had a friend apologize to me about something she said about me, and I can't say that I trust her as much as I used to. So, as others have said, maybe make sure it is helpful to tell them. Kelly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted December 12, 2018 Share Posted December 12, 2018 Do the lied-about teens know about the lie (even if they don't know who started it)? Is this teenager capable of apologizing sincerely rather than in a bullying way? (Like "I'm so sorry I told everybody you were a s**t just because you kissed Joe at the party, the one where you wore that really tacky skirt, even though everybody knows Jill likes him except she's too shy to go after a guy like that and then we didn't see you for a few minutes and so nobody really knew what you two were doing... anyway, that was mean! And I'm sorry!") If so, then she can go ahead. If not, it may be a bad idea all around. Better to let sleeping dogs lie. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cave canem Posted December 13, 2018 Author Share Posted December 13, 2018 22 hours ago, SquirrellyMama said: I once said something not nice about a person to a friend. I apologized to the person I talked about, and it didn't go well. I also had a friend apologize to me about something she said about me, and I can't say that I trust her as much as I used to. I recognize that the fallout from confessing a wrong toward someone can be long lasting, but I don't know what the alternative should be. The guilty conscience of the person who did the wrong clutters the friendship. Also, there's nothing preventing a third party from spilling the beans. It seems to me that hearing confession/request for forgiveness is more likely to restore trust than hearing second-hand. Is there just no way to heal a friendship after this sort of transgression? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 13, 2018 Share Posted December 13, 2018 18 minutes ago, cave canem said: I recognize that the fallout from confessing a wrong toward someone can be long lasting, but I don't know what the alternative should be. The guilty conscience of the person who did the wrong clutters the friendship. Also, there's nothing preventing a third party from spilling the beans. It seems to me that hearing confession/request for forgiveness is more likely to restore trust than hearing second-hand. Is there just no way to heal a friendship after this sort of transgression? How bad was the transgression? If one of my friends said something truly horrible about me to another friend, I’m not sure I could forgive that, no matter how sincerely she apologized. I would appreciate the honesty and the apology, but don’t think I would ever really trust her again. Also, I would always wonder if the only reason she confessed was because she was afraid I would find out the truth from someone else, so she felt she had no other option but to apologize before she got caught. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SquirrellyMama Posted December 13, 2018 Share Posted December 13, 2018 10 minutes ago, Catwoman said: How bad was the transgression? If one of my friends said something truly horrible about me to another friend, I’m not sure I could forgive that, no matter how sincerely she apologized. I would appreciate the honesty and the apology, but don’t think I would ever really trust her again. Also, I would always wonder if the only reason she confessed was because she was afraid I would find out the truth from someone else, so she felt she had no other option but to apologize before she got caught. I agree with the bolded words. This is what happened in both of my situations. The first person never trusted me, and I'll never entirely trust the 2nd one. Kelly 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SquirrellyMama Posted December 13, 2018 Share Posted December 13, 2018 (edited) 42 minutes ago, cave canem said: I recognize that the fallout from confessing a wrong toward someone can be long lasting, but I don't know what the alternative should be. The guilty conscience of the person who did the wrong clutters the friendship. Also, there's nothing preventing a third party from spilling the beans. It seems to me that hearing confession/request for forgiveness is more likely to restore trust than hearing second-hand. Is there just no way to heal a friendship after this sort of transgression? Maybe with kids it will be different. I think trust will be destroyed even with an apology. But, hopefully she can regain it. I won't say no friendship can be healed. I've just heard a lot of stories similar to mine. Kelly Edited December 13, 2018 by SquirrellyMama 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 13, 2018 Share Posted December 13, 2018 (edited) On 12/12/2018 at 8:27 AM, cave canem said: I am talking with a teen who lied to friends about some other teens, some who are known to the friends and some who aren't. She is going to explain to the friends what the lies were. It is also incumbent on her to tell the lied-about teens what she said? yes - along with a very heartfelt apology. and absolutely tell those she told the lie to - that it was a lie and she never should have said it. and find out to whom they repeated the lie - and tell them she lied too. eta: she's already done damage to the teen about whom she lied. that teen will not know why - unless this teen tells/warns her she lied about her. the lied about teen needs to be told - so she can be warned she may need to defend herself because the reality is - lies get repeated and there will probably be people the lying teen didn't speak to who have heard the lie - and won't know it's a lie. if it puts paid to the relationship between the two teens - well, the lying teen should have thought about that beforehand. Edited December 13, 2018 by gardenmom5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 It's hard to say without the circumstances. If it's a big enough issue, then I think she probably has to come clean and take the fallout. But there's a way in which coming clean can hurt people more and just dredge up stuff, plus it can turn it all into a "look at me" apology. Like, sometimes apologizing can become about unburdening yourself in such a way that it transfers the burden to the person you're supposedly apologizing to. Like, maybe they didn't know she called them a names and they'll just feel angry and hurt as a result while she gets to feel like she "did the right thing." And that's just gross if you ask me. Sometimes the best thing for all parties is to move on. The "right" thing won't add to the stress or hurt of the people she lied about, basically. So that might mean telling them, but it might mean sucking it up and living with knowing she messed up. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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